Ex dumped me on anniversary - long story

[Sgt. Pepper]

So,

 

Back in June, I got with a girl I'd met online. We hit off right away, though she was emotionally not over her ex. She claimed she was over loving him, but that she wasn't over missing talking to him. They had broken up in November of 2013. She and I were semi long distance: I live in Brooklyn, she lives on Long Island. So I'd see her once a week, going by train.

 

Long story short: Her ex, Patrick, is a manipulative sociopath who used to cut himself. She is 20. He is 26. They were 24 and 18 when they dated. He caused her to begin lying to her family and sneaking around and she became very selfish and he attempted to alienate her from them. Her own sister told me that Patrick is "a sick obsession of hers...When with him she doesn't care who she hurts as long as it is not him." Her sister also told me Patrick threatened her fiancee and had threatened to blow up his school in High School. He is disliked by many people, not just her family, and many consider him highly, highly manipulative. Her sister goes as far as to say that my ex doesn't really love him but that Patrick manipulated her into loving him. My ex has a very very low self esteem, and she comes from a family of brilliant people and she always felt like she was never noticed by them and he was the first person who paid her any real mind. She puts him on a pedestal and he can do NO wrong. Anytime you criticize Patrick in the least way, it is a direct attack on her and she will not tolerate even the slightest criticism of him. When I told her own flesh and blood story I am about to tell you, her own sister supporte me 100%, feels bad for me, and still speaks to me.

 

All I knew when we first got together was that he was mistreated by her family. She made it sound like they were judgmental villains who hated him without trying to understand him. She said she began sneaking around because her mother wouldn't allow her to be with him and even began checking her text messages. After he moved away to Florida, he dumped her to spare her the pain of the relationship, because it was tearing her apart inside--her family or him? They could never, ever be together with her family's approval--and she is old fashioned and loves her family.

 

So we met and got together and he wasn't talking to her. He'd talk to her, but very coldly and distantly, which bothered her because he'd promised they'd remain close friends (they were friends first). She felt the him she fell in love with was dead, basically. It saddened her deeply, she would have panic attacks in the night and need to be constantly reassured by me that she was good enough (she felt he left because she wasn't good enough to love), and needed my reassurance constantly that I would never leave her. I helped her through it. We also began falling in love ourselves.

 

However, little things began cropping up here and there. She made the ghost of him a third person in our relationship. Example: She wanted to introduce me to the show Firefly. She said it was his favorite show in the world and was precious to him and it was thus precious to her too and it would be for me to know him and have someone in her life know he was a good person. Meanwhile, getting her to watch anything I wanted to was pulling teeth and hardly never happened. For my birthday, she gave me three gifts: One, a jar with little notes, each note listing something she loved about me or why she loved me, a ton of notes; a box full of all her writings; and a bag with a rock. The latter two included letters he had written her and poems she wrote while with him, and the rock was something he gave her and to her it was a special gift to me as it was the only physical thing of his she had.

 

But I held my tongue. We were very happy, very very very happy otherwise, mushy as could be. She said I made her feel safe and protected and that being in my arms was like being in Heaven. She and I did silly cute things. We shared each other's souls. We talked all day and all night. We never got bored of each other's company. We could talk about the smallest things, the biggest things; We would snuggle and fall asleep for hours. We lifted each other up. I began doing her homework for her, and ended up doing her entire semester's worth of work as well as a bunch of her best friend's assignments, getting them both on the Dean's List for the first time in their academic careers.

 

So everything is going wonderful and we're falling deeper in love and planning out a future which included me moving out there and a house and kids. We were serious to the point that even her parents--who are VERY old fashioned Catholics and don't take this stuff lightly--were beginning to look at us as being on the way to someday being married.

 

Then, in December, he started talking to her again. He wrote her feeling her he was coming up from Florida to visit family for Christmas. I had fallen asleep on her that night - I was tired-- and I wrote her a note apologizing, and this was her reply, on December 11th.

 

""U falling asleep only got to me bc I spent about 2 hours talking to patrick and it was strange and I was crying alot at the end of it. It is confusing, and I'm bothered by the fact that he can still make me cry so much. It wasn't a bad talk, jt was actually the first truthful one we've had in a while. Hes coming back up for christmas and I knew that was a possibility but I just didng know it was definite. And now out of no where ill be able to see him in a week and a half. I asked him if it would be ok if u came with me one day to meet him, and he asked why. And I spent so long trying to explain how u guys are alike and I just want u to be able to meet him and that someoje in my life would know him. And he said he didn't think that's really what the reason was. And later on in the conversation when I was getting upset i told him that maybe I just need u there bc I feel likd I might fall apart after I see him again and I don't want to cry on my way home and somehow die. And he said that was more likely what it was. I've always liked that he dug like that, that he cared enough to really know the truth of what I was feeling. That he cared enough to know when I was lying or misunderstanding. Even if I wasn't doing it purposefully. But it made me think. You do thw very same thing but with u I never cry when I'm going deeper into my feelings. U make it painless to figure out the truth. And idk, I was spending so long just letting myself havr closure with some things. He had said that maybe I want u guys to meet so that I know dor sure when u guys are togethwr thst I like u better than him. And that bothered me. I will always care about him, I will always want to talk to him, I will worry about him, I will cry sometimes bc I've just been thru so much and I didn't let myseld feel it for the longest time. But the decision to move on emotionally? God ryan. I love u and I have no question about that. Not in the slightest. And the proof for me, the ultimate proof. Was that when I was talking to him I never stopped thinking about u once. And then after he went to bed I was upset, and I just wanted to hesr ur voice bc I really missed u. And usually after I cry like that with him I spiral and I feel worthless and I spend a half hour lookingbat his pictures or holding the rock or listening to music.but this time, u know what happened. I got into bed, curled up with stuffy and dragon and I thought of u holding me and kissing me and I wqs so happy and felt so protected that I slept like a baby. I hope this doesn't bother u. I still have a lot of tears about him. But j love u. And I never want the fact that my past upsets me to bother u. And I really do want u to come with me to meet him if jt is possible. I really need u to if he ends up having that sunday free. Is that ok. Can I need u ryry""

 

 

Let's break it down. She tells him she needs me to come with him to meet him for emotional support. He gets in her head and says, no no, it's because you need to see who you like better. And when she disagreed, he got in her head even more until HER reason became a modified version of his. See what I mean by manipulative?

 

The meeting with her, me and him is set for the 21st of December.

 

So, my grandma dies of cancer at 1am, December 18th.

 

It's like 9-10am on December 18th. I tell her about my grandma's passing and she expresses her condolences. She then asks if her funeral will clash with the plans to meet. I say, I don't know yet, but if it does will you come with me? She says she doesn't know. I'm like, what do you mean you don't know? It's my grandma. "I didn't know her", but that's not the point I say, I'd love if you came so you could meet everyone and also because having you at my side would really help me emotionally. The argument - one of only two we ever had - escalates and she begins crying, sobbing, wailing hysterically that she wouldn't go because she knows if they clashed, she'd pick seeing him instead, because it might be the last time she ever sees him and I'm like "What? I think he means more than I do" And a savage argument ensues which hurts her feelings and makes her cry again and I'm pushing the argument to almost the breaking point because I'm sad over my grandma being dead, and her choosing to meet with him over coming with me if she had to choose.

 

So then, the dates don't clash. She comes to the burial for me. The next day, we meet with him. He comes off as the coldest, most reptilian person I've ever met. Like someone of extreme arrogance and extreme intelligence who knows he is brilliant and looked at me as a dumb oaf. I was polite and nice and kind and he kept making "jokes" about my hair or picking apart my logic when we talked about dorky things. At one point, she says to him "You see, he's more on my level of intelligence than yours."

 

She goes to the bathroom, and me, trying to be nice, I say:

 

"Hey, man, what do you make of this, this meeting?"

 

"It's a friend meeting a friend and her boyfriend" he dryly, coldly replies.

 

"I know" I said, "But I also know you guys have a history. I don't want you to think I'm some macho ******* trying to show off. Look, I've heard from her there was a lot you went through that you didn't deserve, and if it's any consolation, you still mean a lot to her."

 

I said the last part holding back tears. I'm very empathetic and I always thought their story was a sad one to be honest. I had no ill feelings against him.

 

So, it goes well and he's going to a party with old friends of theirs - friends she hasn't seen since they were together - the next day, and she's supposed to go with him. He invites me. But she decides she needs to see him alone and talk with him alone to clear the air and get closure.

 

I say, "What if he says something like he still loves you? What if talking to him you realize that the Patrick you love isn't dead?" she reassures me that he doesn't love her, for one, and that if he did, it doesn't matter now; she's over that part of her life and has me.

 

She says to me it's very important she has his approval of me, though. For her, me meeting him is more important than meeting her parents. Bear this in mind.

 

So, she goes the next day and I give her space and don't text her. And she only texts me very very sparingly thoroughout the day. Apparently, she asks his opinion of me "It's not my place to say" he says "If he makes you happy that's all that matters." This is manipulative, because he knows--she made it clear--she was looking for his approval, an endorsement.

 

She comes home and goes to bed shortly after and then in the middle of the night writes me "I love u, u know that right? I love u"

 

Then the next morning, December 23rd, she writes me this letter. Mind you I had only just buried my grandmother 3 days before; it was less than a week since her death and a day to Christmas:

 

"I still love him ryan. And no matter how close I get to you it will always be a separate me trying to live a life that I am not supposed to. I cannot be with him regardless of what I've felt for him. And I do love u, apparently both feelings are possible at once. I do not want to be unfair to u. To be completely honest I am selfish. I want to have a family, I want to be married, I want to have a house and a library. I cannot have those things with him for the reasons u are aware of. But I cannot seem to stop wanting it with him even tho it isn't possible. So what does that mean, does that mean that I must be alone forever. That I can never have a family, never have children bc I am so afraid of hurting someone. I cannot seem to get over the feelings I have for him. I don't expect u to understand that but I am not going to lie to u. It is your choice. You can decide to love me and be with me knowing I might ever be able to fully commit, or fully detach myself from him emotionally. Or u can leave, and I know that will also tear me apart. I do not want u hurt, I shouldt have began a relationship without knowing I was completely done with him. But u shut off all the pain and u made me smile and that has always meant something to me. I just can't lie to u about how I feel. I cannot tell u that I don't have feelings for both of u. And I really do not know what to do""

 

She also reveals that over the course of the previous day, he admitted to her he still loves her and made it clear, but refused to explain how.

 

I tell her I want to stay, but list my grievances and she feels that I haven't listened to her at all. I tell her I have, this is just distressing and too much, and she says how if we do get married and have kids she'd want him to be part of any children's lives, a large part of their lives. I agree to that. Then she says she needs space throughout the day to think on things.

 

I stupidly get drunk for the first time in my life and my dad is drunk and being mean to me over his mother's death and I'm getting irritable myself.

 

She returns hours later, at which point I'm kind of loaded, and says she's decided we should just be friends. That she could never be with me while she loves him, even though I say I'm fine with it, she won't budge. I get wildly pissed. I feel like she's dumping me and she says no she isn't, and I get angry and paranoid and hurt, irrationally so since I'm drunk and I'm like, well if a couple goes from being together to being friends, that's called being dumped. And I get madder and madder.

 

Finally she calls and I began screaming at her, telling her I know what's going to happen, she's going to dump me fully and end up with Mike (an old rival of mine for her affections) and I curse her out, saying "You had to wait to Christmas to do this after all I've done, you M-Fer", and that I'd "crack his f-ing" head open. I'd never talked to her like this (or anyone) ever and I've never been in fist fight ever. I make her cry.

 

So the next day is awkward and after some hesitation, she invites me over for Christmas (our original plans before all this was I would spend Christmas day at her house and spend the night). The plans go ahead as scheduled. Thoroughout the day, she is snuggling with me, cuddling into my chest, kissing me, hugging me and everything seems like nothing happened. She even acts sexual toward me later in the evening. Everything seems pretty perfectly normal.

 

So, I feel a bit suspicious, and when she goes to the bathroom I check her phone and I see that right before she got horny with me, she was talking dirty with him about wanting a baby and him doing her.

 

I don't say a word about it and act totally normal.

 

The next day, we go to her family's annual Christmas party. Instead of taking me to the 11:30 train like always, she decides to leave early and take me to the 9:30 train. She says it's because she needs to go to the bathroom and she doesn't like going in public places and that she wants to write and her parents wouldn't want her and I in the house alone (which is true, they wouldn't).

 

She drives me to the train and so I ask: Where do we stand? Since she was acting normal toward me with the snuggling and cuddling and kissing, it confused me. I don't bring up the phone at all. She says the same, she wants to be just friends and it leads to an argument and she says that when I was holding her, she felt the same way she would if only her best friend was holding her. She said that being with me, she feels like she's cheating on HIM. That she can't force herself to love me.

 

I'm like...What are you talking about? You've been saying you love me all along!

 

She then gives a haphazard analogy of saying she realized being with him that loving me for her was like a gay man trying to love a woman. That they love the woman but they're still gay. And that basically she's the gay man and he's another man and I'm the woman. She also says my outburst when drunk makes her feel like she can't be safe with me, and that she knows she loves him and will love him for the rest of her life even if it means being alone.

 

Yet at the same time, despite me having the outburst the other day, she says she wishes I could do something bad so this would be easier on her.

 

Even as I leave to go to the train, we share a long deep kiss.

 

I get drunk again the next day - Dec 27th, our 6 month anniversary- and drunkenly get her name tattoed on me. I do it as a leap of faith in the relationship, feeling broken and desperate, and as a way of showing her that while I can't cut myself like he did, I'd undergo pain for her. Basically, stupid drunken logic, a way of showing love.

 

I tell her and she goes nuts and feels I'm trying to manipulate her into staying. I explain my reasoning, she doesn't accept it and officially dumps me that day. Saying she feels that when I got upset over my grandma's funeral, and with my outburst when she did what she did on Christmas, and now the tattoo, that she feels I manipulated her.

 

She still extends an invitation to come over to her house for New Year's as a friend.

 

Her best friend, who I'd helped so often, unfriends me on FB.

 

Then, a few days later, she (my ex) changes her mind and says not to come, we should go our separate ways for right now, but she herself keeps me on Facebook.

 

Then on New Year's Eve, 20 minutes to the New Year, she writes me asking if I can mail some things. Sure.

 

Yesterday, she writes me an exact list of what to meal and we go through exactly what she wants.

 

So, last night, I write her and ask her, do we have any chance of being back together? Did she ever mean what she said?Am I ever going to see her again?

 

She "doesn't know" if I will ever see her again

She said I "ruined any chance of us getting back together",

She will "never" get over him,

and that even if she is over him she "will never come back" to me

She said I was happy, she wasn't ever, she was "trying" to be

 

When I say, you know, these last two weeks have been utterly confusing to me, she says "I love him and he loves me and that is the only thing that matters."

 

Seriously...What the hell?

 

On top of all this, around Dec 16th, my old ex, the money stealer, gets in touch and writes me messages ranging from missing me to wishing she was back together to hating me and being resentful. After the break up, being lonely, I reply and all she is is resentful, mean, and argumentative and we get into an argument and cease talking permanently.

Edited January 8, 2015 by Sgt. Pepper

[Zahara]

She was never really over her ex. And if she's going back to someone like him, it's reflective on how emotionally/mentally twisted she is herself.

 

You were the bandaid she slapped on that wound for a bit. The nice guy that she could depend on. After being with douchebag, she probably realized you were good for her but with her twisted mindset, she could not appreciate or value you and what you could give her. The boring nice guy versus the douchebag that keeps her submissive and dependent.

 

Now that he's back in the picture, she's done with you. Your outburst isn't the cause of her never wanting you back again -- it's an excuse she's using to blame the demise of the relationship on you.

 

You need to man up. Block her. NC cold turkey. This woman is not good for you. One of the things about toxic relationships (ex and Patrick) -- it's a difficult process to detach, especially for her. She's going to keep bouncing with him. He will treat her badly again or even dump her, but she will likely keep going back.

 

The dumbest thing you could have done was tattoo her name on your body. A year from now you'll look back and knock yourself upside the head.

Edited January 8, 2015 by Zahara

[Sgt. Pepper]

She was never really over her ex. And if she's going back to someone like him, it's reflective on how emotionally/mentally twisted she is herself.

 

You were the bandaid she slapped on that wound for a bit. The nice guy that she could depend on. After being with douchebag, she probably realized you were good for her but with her twisted mindset, she could not appreciate or value you and what you could give her. The boring nice guy versus the douchebag that keeps her submissive and dependent.

 

Now that he's back in the picture, she's done with you. Your outburst isn't the cause of her never wanting you back again -- it's an excuse she's using to blame the demise of the relationship on you.

 

You need to man up. Block her. NC cold turkey. This woman is not good for you. One of the things about toxic relationships (ex and Patrick) -- it's a difficult process to detach, especially for her. She's going to keep bouncing with him. He will treat her badly again or even dump her, but she will likely keep going back.

 

The dumbest thing you could have done was tattoo her name on your body. A year from now you'll look back and knock yourself upside the head.

 

The tattoo yeah was stupid.

 

This is an example of how Patrick talks to her. This him in July, responding to a letter she wrote him saying how she'd like closure and she wishes he'd just keep his promise and be a real friend to her so she could have closure. She accused him of seeming like her family in the letter.

 

His reply:

 

"I have answered every one of those questions before. You always come back and ask me again. My answers are not different than they were before. And I must comment that your statement that I am exactly like them, while emotion inducing, is unsupported. What do you want me to tell you? What is it you are looking for? All of those questions have been answered, so either you want something else, or you want me to tell you a certain answer to those questions."

 

Her : you misunderstood that part. meant it to mean you are like them in the sense that i had you up on a pedestal and i realized you did not care for me in the way i had always believed

 

Him: ok

 

Her: well maybe im dull, and i do not remember your answers to all of the questions. does that mean u cannot repeat them

 

Patrick: Then ask, but not in essay format. The essay is a good way to get it all out, but not for a back and forth. And at the moment I am watching the kids, so if Jade wakes up I may suddenly disappear

 

Her: essay format was because there were feelings i just needed to get out

and you know that wont bother me, you leave when you have to to take care of her

 

Patrick: ok

 

Her: so must i go through and pick out the questions

 

Patrick: yes. doesnt help premeditated.

 

Her: how do u mean

 

Patrick: if you think and plan everything out that changes nothing. all the same questions, all have being answered. if we change it up maybe it will help instead

 

Her: does it bother you that ive gotten worse

 

Patrick: yes

 

Her: and do you feel there is any solution for me. bc i dont know if i need therapy or medication. but i do not wish to one day spiral so hard ill kill myself

 

Patrick: that is not for me to decide. it is for you to test and decide what actually helps. the only way to know is trying it. regardless of the path i do believe that it will get better, some paths are just harder. just need to keep with it in the end

 

Her: why did you stop talking to me altogether. i understand ur busy but its not a great feeling to feel like u dont want to talk to me

 

 

This is from October. She was trying to reach out to him so they could have conversations like they used to, real conversations. This is his response to her messaging him:

 

"Well that is the nice thing about facebook and such. You can always message me and when i can i will respond. And no pictures dont count as conversation starters, that is more entertainment. As for missing you, of course i do. But i dont talk to people anymore. Not because i dont want to, just because it is how i am and ihave no better explanation than that yet"

 

 

She did say I "make her feel safe and happy" whereas he "brings the lightning and passion" when directly comparing us

 

Now, yes, I agree NC. But do you ever see her eating her words and coming back to me?

 

 

I mean the last ex DESPISED me--and in that relationship, I was the genuine bad guy. And yet she came back after several month missing me and wanting to talk.

[Zahara]

She did say I "make her feel safe and happy" whereas he "brings the lightning and passion" when directly comparing us

 

He brings her toxicity. It's not passion. She's dysfunctional just as he is and together they play this hot/cold/push/pull dance and she confuses that sort of mindphukk for passion.

 

I mean, who in their sane mind gives their boyfriend birthday gifts of notes/letters that belong between her and the ex? I though that was off.

 

Now, yes, I agree NC. But do you ever see her eating her words and coming back to me?

 

She'll come back because you are the safe bet when/if he dumps her again. That's about it. I don't think she was actually emotionally invested in you. I think she stayed with you because you were safe.

Edited January 8, 2015 by Zahara

[Sgt. Pepper]

He brings her toxicity. It's not passion. She dysfunctional just as he is and together they play this hot/cold/push/pull dance and she confuses that sort of mindphukk for passion.

 

I mean, who in their sane mind gives their boyfriend birthday gifts of notes/letters that belong between her and the ex? I though that was off.

 

 

 

She'll come back because you are the safe bet when/if he dumps her again. That's about it. I don't think she was actually emotionally invested in you. I think she stayed with you because you were safe.

 

A little insight into her psyche:

 

She had an imaginary friend named Jason. I'll give you her own words on that:

 

"

we had a world,

i remember that i could go there to visit him.

only when i closed my eyes.

alot of the time i would go there when i was asleep,

bc his night was my day and vice versa.

i remember something about an eye.

that was the symbol of him and his world, and there was another language.

he had a twin, jeremy, he liked me too but i wasnt meant for him,

i was jasons. and jason had 100 other brothers that all protected me

when i was in trouble. jason was with me throughout the day in school

and i would talk to him in my mind. no one could see him but me. and

i remember it. i remember all of it. and i remember always thinking

that he had to be real. that the reason he was imaginary was only bc

he was somewhere else in the world and imaginary was bc my subconsious

was weak seeing as i was young. and only when i was strong enough would i know him in real time"

 

She always felt Patrick wasn't really Jason. And so she couldn't call him Jason, she called him Caleb. And he called her Maya. In the novel she is writing, the protagonist is named Maya; her love interest is named Jason and he dies, but comes back in a future form of himself named Caleb and at first Jason and Caleb are on the scene from a while and it forms a quasi-love triangle.

 

She told me that Patrick had stopped being Caleb, he was simply Patrick and that was why she needed "closure". But when she hung out with him on the 22nd, she realized he was still Caleb and that's why she realized she was still in love with him.

 

But she felt I was Jason, where Patrick never was:

 

On me being Jason:

"well ive talked to u about it before. this theory of u being jason. and it doesnt make sense to me. how strong that is for me, how strong that story is. that i always thought i would meet someone who was my jason, who was the guy who was my imaginary friend when i was younger. and not that they were that actual imaginary friend. but when i found my jason it would be a guy that completely understood me. like could understand things about me in a way no one, not even myself could. who could tell me things about my past and my experiences that u shouldnt be able to know bc i havent explained it right or enough. but u know bc u see me, u understand me. and its weird. its weird that ive always thought i would find that person. that u might be that person. im not sure how to explain it"

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, you got a tattoo of her and you did her homework for her to the point where she made the dean's list? I'm sorry dude, whether she was conscious of it or not she was using you because you're an easy mark. Instead of trying to figure out why she's acting the way she is, you need to figure out why you are so willing to be run over and taken advantage of by people. This happened with your other ex and it happened again in this situation.

[Zahara]

A little insight into her psyche:

 

She had an imaginary friend named Jason. I'll give you her own words on that:

 

"

we had a world,

i remember that i could go there to visit him.

only when i closed my eyes.

alot of the time i would go there when i was asleep,

bc his night was my day and vice versa.

i remember something about an eye.

that was the symbol of him and his world, and there was another language.

he had a twin, jeremy, he liked me too but i wasnt meant for him,

i was jasons. and jason had 100 other brothers that all protected me

when i was in trouble. jason was with me throughout the day in school

and i would talk to him in my mind. no one could see him but me. and

i remember it. i remember all of it. and i remember always thinking

that he had to be real. that the reason he was imaginary was only bc

he was somewhere else in the world and imaginary was bc my subconsious

was weak seeing as i was young. and only when i was strong enough would i know him in real time"

 

She always felt Patrick wasn't really Jason. And so she couldn't call him Jason, she called him Caleb. And he called her Maya. In the novel she is writing, the protagonist is named Maya; her love interest is named Jason and he dies, but comes back in a future form of himself named Caleb and at first Jason and Caleb are on the scene from a while and it forms a quasi-love triangle.

 

She told me that Patrick had stopped being Caleb, he was simply Patrick and that was why she needed "closure". But when she hung out with him on the 22nd, she realized he was still Caleb and that's why she realized she was still in love with him.

 

But she felt I was Jason, where Patrick never was:

 

On me being Jason:

"well ive talked to u about it before. this theory of u being jason. and it doesnt make sense to me. how strong that is for me, how strong that story is. that i always thought i would meet someone who was my jason, who was the guy who was my imaginary friend when i was younger. and not that they were that actual imaginary friend. but when i found my jason it would be a guy that completely understood me. like could understand things about me in a way no one, not even myself could. who could tell me things about my past and my experiences that u shouldnt be able to know bc i havent explained it right or enough. but u know bc u see me, u understand me. and its weird. its weird that ive always thought i would find that person. that u might be that person. im not sure how to explain it"

 

I have to question your mindset as well. What in the world. Instead questioning her emotional stability, maybe you should ask yourself why you contemplated getting involved with her.

[Sgt. Pepper]

I have to question your mindset as well. What in the world. Instead questioning her emotional stability, maybe you should ask yourself why you contemplated getting involved with her.

 

Because, all her madness aside, she is quite an amazing person. She's a writer. She's very loving and sweet as can be, before all this. She's tender and strong yet fragile in ways she doesn't know. I fell for her and the world she has--not an imaginary world, but the world of the things she loves, who she is as as a person, her strengths and weaknesses; her friends and family and the dorky, Doctor Who obsessed circle they are. I wanted to take care of her and protect her and make everything right. But it wasn't simply that desire that made her want her. She's just special in a way I can't quite explain.

[Zahara]

Because, all her madness aside, she is quite an amazing person. She's a writer. She's very loving and sweet as can be, before all this. She's tender and strong yet fragile in ways she doesn't know. I fell for her and the world she has--not an imaginary world, but the world of the things she loves, who she is as as a person, her strengths and weaknesses; her friends and family and the dorky, Doctor Who obsessed circle they are. I wanted to take care of her and protect her and make everything right. But it wasn't simply that desire that made her want her. She's just special in a way I can't quite explain.

 

Now you're just romanticizing her. In your post you noted she lied, became selfish, didn't care who she hurt, etc. And don't blame that on the guy. To act that way is a choice she made on her own and the fact that she's gone back to him says a lot about who she is. Then she used you as a crutch to get by and then dumped you when she got what she wanted. Then blamed you for the demise of it all.

 

Nah, can't buy the loving and sweet.

[Simon Phoenix]

Because, all her madness aside, she is quite an amazing person. She's a writer. She's very loving and sweet as can be, before all this. She's tender and strong yet fragile in ways she doesn't know. I fell for her and the world she has--not an imaginary world, but the world of the things she loves, who she is as as a person, her strengths and weaknesses; her friends and family and the dorky, Doctor Who obsessed circle they are. I wanted to take care of her and protect her and make everything right. But it wasn't simply that desire that made her want her. She's just special in a way I can't quite explain.

 

Dude, this is the exact same pattern of behavior that you not only showed in your last relationship, but that your partners have shown you. The "she's a delicate snowflake who's sweet except when she's sh--ting all over me" thing is getting to be an obnoxious pattern for you.

[Sgt. Pepper]

Now you're just romanticizing her. In your post you noted she lied, became selfish, didn't care who she hurt, etc. And don't blame that on the guy. To act that way is a choice she made on her own and the fact that she's gone back to him says a lot about who she is. Then she used you as a crutch to get by and then dumped you when she got what she wanted. Then blamed you for the demise of it all.

 

Nah, can't buy the loving and sweet.

 

A person isn't a one dimensional or two dimensional picture though. I'm rounding out the bad first because it's a breakup. It's not pretty or sweet. I do blame it on him, because when meeting him, I got a vibe about him. I'm a straight guy, and yet I could see why I would be drawn to him (not sexually, I mean in terms of wanting to follow/listen to him). I could see it. The man radiated a quiet, mysterious, arrogant charisma and an aura of vast intelligence. If I, a 24 year old straight guy could at least see that charm, imaginable what it did to a vulnerable, (possibly) emotionally disturbed, self esteem-less young girl of 18, who for the first time felt she was understood and seen? She would do anything he asked and defend him to the death.

 

She is utterly sweet and loving. That side of her is hard to display when talking about the breakup. She's just under the spell, proverbially, of a charming sociopath.

[Zahara]

A person isn't a one dimensional or two dimensional picture though. I'm rounding out the bad first because it's a breakup. It's not pretty or sweet. I do blame it on him, because when meeting him, I got a vibe about him. I'm a straight guy, and yet I could see why I would be drawn to him (not sexually, I mean in terms of wanting to follow/listen to him). I could see it. The man radiated a quiet, mysterious, arrogant charisma and an aura of vast intelligence. If I, a 24 year old straight guy could at least see that charm, imaginable what it did to a vulnerable, (possibly) emotionally disturbed, self esteem-less young girl of 18, who for the first time felt she was understood and seen? She would do anything he asked and defend him to the death.

 

Of course not. But based on what you wrote about her, I can't see much positive coming through when someone manipulates people in her life that way, including you. But you know her best. We'll just agree to disagree.

 

Yes, he is the puppet master. And unfortunately you played to her being the puppeteer in your life.

[Sgt. Pepper]

I feel the urge to have a "lost weekend", drink, have lots of sex if I can, and sort of just do me and let my inhibitions free to spite her. She was very controlling and knew it and admitted it

and liked to pick out how I dress (down to exactly what shirt, pants, I'd wear on dates), how to have my hair cut, the music we listened to in the car, what we watched. What I feel for her is little more than resentment, but also sadness. I feel like I placed all my hope and faith in her world--what I mean is, I was starting to feel at home with her family, moreso than my own and think of a future involving these people (and they were including me as part of the family, inviting me to intimate family events and parties that a regular boyfriend wouldn't have been invited to, and talking about her and I having a future as in marriage etc), only for her to pull the rug out from under me and us at the last minute for a reason which still baffles me and kind of broke me. I feel like just losing myself in decadence in substances and wearing my hair in ways she hated and whatnot to spite her, and to have the power to say no if she ever did come crawling back to her, and kind of feel vengeful in saying no. It's hard to really explain my feelings because they veer back and forth from this anger and resentment to missing her and her world.

 

I just think a Lennon style Lost Weekend might do me good and if she sees me happy, out, being free and having fun, that might make her miss me perhaps, especially since she can't be with Patrick. I want to spite her by being happy and yet also lure her back the same way.