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Why is my ex-boyfriend (who dumped me) contacting me?

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Old 31st December 2014, 1:40 AM   #1
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Why is my ex-boyfriend (who dumped me) contacting me?

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]To sum it up: He spent the duration of his time with memistreating our bond while I committed most of my daily energy into remedyinghis mindless mistakes. I started to type out a very vivid yesteryear into our former relationship, but I'm sick of revisiting his BS. I guess all that really matters now is that he's an egotistical azz who shattered my feelings for him and severed our attachment once and for all. Now that I realize my life is happier and healthier without his endless B.S., I'M STAYIN FREE DAMN IT! lol! NO MORE. I do not want to contact him, see him, or even acknowledge that he exists so why is he texting me saying "I need to talk to you face to face"??

We were in a relationship for a year and four months however still nurtured our bond after the break-up for three months.

***TOTALLY OPTIONAL*** Just in case you're curious or feel you need more insight to gather an accurate point of view...
  • 1st Break-up: After waking up in his arms, for the very first time I looked him right in the eyes and told him I loved him. His reply? "This is getting too serious, we have to end this." Now, keep in mind that this man is a political refugee who watched his Islamic country get torn apart by chaos. His last relationship ended not by choice, but because a war was tearing his homeland apart. In addition, he came to America to earn a degree not fall in love and complicate the foundation of his future. Thus his commitment issues made sense.
  • 2nd Break-up: He dumped me for being a virgin and not receiving sex from hisgirlfriend. Simply put, he was far too consistent with letting me down for meto fully trust embracing that layer of complexity with him. He washabitually giving me reasons to be disappointed and I knew that lingeringfeeling would just amplify if we had sex. Plus I enjoyed thesimplicity of being a virgin! Very refreshing![FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
  • 3rd Break-up: I later found out that before he had dumped me for being a virgin, he had another girl's number in his phone and had gotten her number while we were together. Not just while we were together, but on the night where I was waiting outside of his house for him in the cold at 1:30 a.m. for over 30 minutes and he had originally asked me to come later, but I refused saying I needed to get sleep. He lied to me about where he was, got another girl's number while he left me waiting in an unsafe neighborhood for half an hour, then went home and received the love/adoration/affection of another woman. After finding out, I dumped him immediately.
  • Somehow our annoyingly inseparable asses got back together then broke up again (lol?) Let me just put it this way: there were so many break-ups that one of our mutual friends began doing a tally. He would opt to break-up rather than communicating openly yet after I found out about that other girl, it altered my ability to have patience and unlimited understanding towards him, creating mass tension in our relationship.
  • I believe at this bullet point we are still broken up for some unremembered reason? I got into a really horrible car accident over the summer, knocking some sense into him and making him realize how much he cared about me. So boyfriendnotboyfriend and I got back together. This was in August I believe. He was really putting in overtime to make up for previously betraying my trust and mistreating our bond. However, there was a lot of anger, frustration, and dissatisfaction boiling inside of me. Instead of doing thorough investigating, he just assumed that I was holding a grudge against him for what he had done back in April, negating from the fact various, troubling obstacles were being thrown at me at once.
  • FINAL BREAK-UP: After a pleasant day together including hearing his mother's voice for the first time in over a year of us being together (she lives in Morocco), picking him up from work (he didn't have a car at that time), and heading to the movie theatre, he dumped me that night. Right before we headed to the showing, as we were waiting in line, one of the students he cooks for/socializes with *he works at a university* started a conversation with him. I introduced myself and the student replied with "Who are you?" I said "I'm his girlfriend" with a big smile. His reply: "....*pause* okay, man what happened to that white girl you were with?" WHAT! 1.) Dude just negated me as a legitimate girlfriend. 2.) Dude just suggested he saw my man with another girl. 3.) My boyfriend didn't let him know how disrespectful/not cool that was. There was a pause where my ex was like "...what?" as if he didn't know what the guy was talking about and to this day, he insists that he doesn't know that guy like that/never hung out with him like that/was never with some random white girl. I WAS PISSED and I did not hide it! I did not crack not one smile in that movie theatre. We got into a huge fight on the way home where he dramatically threatened to jump from the car after screaming at me and telling me to "shut the f*ck up", claiming I was paranoid and I should just ignore the fact that someone said he saw him with another girl/there WAS another girl at one point. He also disrespected my new care and jeopardized me getting into another accident with his shenanigans. So after cussing me out and risking vehicular homicide on me, he dumped me. That was in September.
For the next three months, he was unclear with me about our relationship being done for good and still benefited from the delights of having a girlfriend, knowing that I was too in love to control my instinctive gestures. Basically, he screwed me over. I boldly told him that I loved him and was going to put up a fight for him, simply asking that he spare me the embarrassment and let me know if he gets another girl's number or starts seeing someone else. Well, I had to find out that he had invited a girl to his home to hang out after I had just been there the night before. In conclusion, he has screwed me over multiple times and continuously does shady, grimy, not cool things to mwa, his number one supporter (FORMER supporter).

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Old 31st December 2014, 1:47 AM   #2
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The incident that made him worth absolutely nothing in my heart.
Something very traumatic happened where someone I love pulled a knife on me after initiating a physical confrontation. Instinctively, I turned to him because he had been my number one confidant for so long. We had already made plans to meet that night, but after it happened, I immediately messaged him telling him ____ had just pulled a knife on me. His reaction? To accuse me of lying to see him. I.was.PISSSSSED. This guy had nothing when I met him. He was a political refugee with not a whole lot besides his freedom and ambition. He lived in a bad neighborhood down in a cold, dusty, stone basement. It was always my mission to support him, have his back, and help him in anyway I could even when I didn't have the time or resources to do so yet when I legitimately needed him the most, his initial reply is to accuse me of smearing someone's character for him?? It was a complete smack in the face. He also informed me that he had lied in that moment about meeting up with me and he had no intention nor desire to see me after that last time. He turned me away while I was literately bleeding with bruises.

Later on, I find out from a friend that he was using my psychology book that I let him borrow to get a good grade on an online exam. While he was turning me away, he was using my generosity for his own gain. So you see, we are completely done for good. This man has betrayed my trust/screwed me over as a friend and a boyfriend.
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Old 31st December 2014, 11:21 AM   #3
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I do not want to contact him, see him, or even acknowledge that he exists so why is he texting me saying "I need to talk to you face to face"??
Firstly, and most obviously, because he isn't privy to how you feel. He doesn't know that you desire to not acknowledge that he exists because he is not a mind reader. (He'd have to climb out of his own behind first, and clearly that's his favorite place to be.)

Secondly, he is contacting you because he is a narcissistic *ss who is currently without a source of ego supply, and he could always count on you for a boost. He wants to take advantage of your kind-hearted personality once more.

This man is unhealthy, the relationship you had was clearly unhealthy, and you are wise to ignore and steer clear, especially if you might not be strong enough to withstand the pull that you have toward him.

Seek out some counseling for yourself, dear girl. It's concerning that you were not only attracted to this man, but that you put so much of your time and emotional energy into him when you were getting torn down and hurt in return.

If you don't figure out what is at the root of this behavior, then you are liable to get sucked in by another emotional vampire like him in the future. You're liable to mistake the drama roller-coaster for "real" love, and train yourself to feel like that is what you want for yourself - to enter into a crazy tumultuous relationship and win him over via the strength of your love. You want to find validation of your worth that way. Via the dramatic nature of your on/off relationship, you've built up and reinforced some neural pathways that have you convinced that he, and only he, carries the key to your salvation. Those are false and you have to retrain your brain.

You're obviously smart and sweet, and you deserve way better. Here's hoping you start to believe that too!
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Old 31st December 2014, 12:51 PM   #4
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Two words: no contact. (Thank me later)

But seriously, no contact is the only way. You need distance to think more clearly about this situation and the negative impact he's having on your life and to re-evaluate your worth.

He clearly has major communication issues (hence the continual break-ups rather than sorting out the problems that arise) among other issues.

he was unclear with me about our relationship being done for good and still benefited from the delights of having a girlfriend, knowing that I was too in love to control my instinctive gestures.
You're allowing him to benefit by letting your 'love' for him dictate your actions. First thing: love is not enough. I've learned this a time or two in my life. It's not enough to sustain a relationship. A relationship requires two people willing to communicate with one another and make a valiant effort. Trust, loyalty, and honesty are some other key elements that are lacking in this current dynamic between you two.

Screw him for taking advantage of your kindness and selflessness. Time to be selfish, darling. For real. When you stop contact with him, you stop giving him that power over you, and you take back control of your life. The blinders will come off if you give it time and you will be able to stop wasting time and start making healthy choices, because you DESERVE it.

Know your worth.
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