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Hurt, upset


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 30th December 2014, 9:44 AM   #1
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Hurt, upset

Hi I am new to this, I thought I would give it a try as I need someone to talk to about a very sore subject. I know I may be judged for what I am about to discuss but I can't change what has happened, I need help and advice to get myself out of it.
About 3 years ago I was on a date site, started chatting to a lovely guy, said he was just out of a 2 year relationship and wanted to just see how things went. I was in same boat so we took everything slow. We met, and instantly both fell for each other. After about 6 weeks it got intimate and we both said it was the best ever for us. We were in contact 24/7 and he told me he had never been so in love. I felt the same, so quick. This is the first man I saw myself settling down with and even having a family with. He promised me he wanted all of that.
He had told me he didn't have a Facebook.. We are both professionals so never questioned it. About 2 months in I synced my Facebook with my phone contacts.. He came up.. A pic of him and a woman as his profile pic and it said he was married!! As you can imagine my world came crashing down.. I called him at work and he came straight over.. He said technically he was married but they had been seperated for 5 months.. He said he was going to tell me and begged forgiveness.. I believed him.. A couple of weeks went by and he told me his wife was coming to their house to talk... As a result of this 'talk' he told me she wanted to move back into the house they owned together as she was fed up of paying a mortgage and living on a mates floor... I told him that he needed to make arrangements and move out. In hineside I should of walked away but our connection kept us strong.. He came and lived with me for 4 weeks which wasn't ideal as I shared and it was over an hour away from his work.. He then decided that he needed to be back in his house and showed me the 'ground rules' they both had made for living together.. He promised me the world.. He promised me he would sort the situation soon.. We spoke openly and bluntly. We went on hols together.. It was everything I wanted. After 2 years I decided that as he still hadn't left the marital home, even though she knew about me and him.. I had to walk away.. I started dating again and he was beside himself.. He messaged me 24/7 he turned up at my work.. He begged to be with me.. I said I couldn't be with him as he was still living with his wife.. And even though they apparently slept in separate rooms I wanted to be his no 1. So I have been dating since the summer and up until oct of this year, the married guy was still begging to set up home with me.. I love him so much I left my relationship I started as I couldn't get this guy out of my head and I didn't feel as much for this new guy as I did the married one. I stopped dating in nov. Since then the married guy started acting odd... Kept saying he didn't want to hurt me again etc etc.. He told me then that as I started to move on.. He didn't want me too but figured he should be happy for me and he said he had slept with his wife twice to try and move on himself!!???? I was gutted and said surely that's moving back not forward!!! He said it didn't feel right but he felt he had to just try and get on with things as I was moving on! I told him why I couldn't move on and still he was acting weird. I found out on Xmas eve that he's got his wife pregnant. So I know that's it... I can't help but be destroyed.. All I think is the last 3 years have been lies... He assures me that they haven't and that it was a shock to him... I think he was either sleeping with her the whole time (he denies) or he has been trapped as she knew about us. I just can't get my head round it all and since Xmas eve I have cried everyday.. I feel sick to my stomach, I can eat and I was due back to work yesterday and I can't even get out of bed. This is not normal for me, I don't know how to deal with it or stop myself from thinking about it. I don't want to go to docs as they will just put me on anti depressants which I don't want... Can anyone give me any advice?
Hairc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th December 2014, 10:00 PM   #2
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Well, I don't have a lot for you, but I do have one piece: Stop talking to him, don't contact him, don't accept contact from him, don't look at his Facebook, or anything like that.

You may be tempted to accept whatever contact you can get, under the guise of "figuring it all out" or whatever, and you may instinctively crave that contact, because it's like a little hit of the drug you are trying to break the addiction to. But it will just set you back every time you do it.

I know you are grieving, and trying to figure things out - no question about that. But you really don't need anything more from him. I don't intend to be mean, but I say this bluntly to be clear: he is with his wife, and she is now pregnant. Please don't spend any energy trying to figure out whether he had sex once and was trapped or whether he's been sleeping with her all along - this will drive you nuts, and it won't make any difference in what you need to do: put your relationship with him behind you, and begin healing and moving forward again.

Take action to block his number, defriend him and block him (two separate actions) on Facebook, set an Email filter to discard any Emails. This will do two things: (1) it will cut off contact from him - you know enough now to realize you don't need that any more and it will just hurt you to keep tasting that drug and testing your ability to endure it; and (2) by taking specific action to block him (instead of just saying "oh, I just won't contact him back if he tries...") you are taking the first actions in moving forward, as hard as they may be.

Moving forward will be difficult - like using muscles that have atrophied. But every positive, forward action you take will be like a little bit of exercise that will gradually strengthen you as you continue to heal.

Do you have people around you - friends and/or family? Someone you can call on - lean on a little bit?
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Trimmer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th December 2014, 10:20 PM   #3
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It sounds like you have been manipulated a whole lot and I cam totally relate to that.

The question you need to ask yourself is this: if he left his wife and made good on his promises to you, do you honestly think you would ever be able to fully trust him? That there wouldn't be some concern over whether he would play behind your back too? Guys who go to such lengths to deceive like he has to you are likely to repeat this pattern time and time again. Generally speaking, there is not going to be any woman who sufficiently holds his interest for life. I say this from personal experience. Check out sone of my other posts if you want more info on that.

It's going to be tough but you WILL get through it. Follow the advice given above about blocking all contact and access to you, no good can come of that. Inevitably you are going to have questions so your first step in recovery, in my opinion, is to learn to accept you are never going to get answers to them. After that you will be much better equipped to start healing and moving on.

You've come to the right place though...Welcome
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Old 31st December 2014, 6:59 AM   #4
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Thank you both for your guidance.. You are both right I will never know the answers now and I am just wasting my time trying to figure it out! He has been contacting me still and I have now taken the relevant steps to block him.
He's asking me questions like 'what have I been doing today' 'have I been to gym' 'how are you today' which is all irrelivent now. So he is blocked, it's hard ATM but I am hoping things will get easier roll on 2015!
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Old 1st January 2015, 12:10 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hairc View Post
Thank you both for your guidance.. You are both right I will never know the answers now and I am just wasting my time trying to figure it out! He has been contacting me still and I have now taken the relevant steps to block him.
He's asking me questions like 'what have I been doing today' 'have I been to gym' 'how are you today' which is all irrelivent now. So he is blocked, it's hard ATM but I am hoping things will get easier roll on 2015!
Well done on going full Non Contact! It's not easy whichever way you do it, but it certainly doesn't prolong the pain in the same way that maintaining contact will.

There will still be some tough days ahead - just keep yourself busy or come on here for those moments when you are feeling like you want to do a uturn.

As far as him asking you questions, it was probably to appease his guilt. He wanted to hear that you were getting on OK so he wouldn't feel so bad. It's none of his business what you do now - he chose to play games with you and now you changed the rules.

Onwards and upwards!!!!
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