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Totally Not sure She Wants a Break


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Hi

 

Not sure if this is the right forum, but I will post anyway.

 

I have been with my girlfriend for a year, and we currently live together. We tend to argue fairly regularly but it always seems to rectify itself. She has now gone away for the festive season to her hometown and has been quite distant, and we have had a couple of arguments while she has been away.

 

I say arguments, but I dunno. I couldn't tell you what they were about. Namely just that she was enjoying herself and that I was somehow bringing her down for asking what we were doing on NYE or when she might be coming home. Anyway she has now asked for space, because I'm 'strangling' her.

 

To be honest with you - everytime she goes to her hometown, she does this. She will start acting like I don't matter, that everything is so great and wonderful in her city. She has actually done this before, and then as soon as she saw me at the door started hugging me and telling me she didn't mean it. There was actually nothing wrong - she just thought I was getting in the way because she's having so much fun. She has literally done all of this for no reason. We have a home together, and she is acting like she barely knows me.

 

 

 

She mentioned that she was really happy, happier than she has been in a long time, that I am not making her happy and that, going into the New Year, she doesn't want us to continue.

 

I said I would do my best to try and make her happy, that I hadn't realised this was the issue but will promise to do my best if she comes home. She just said she would be happy to talk in the New Year but for now she is making the most of the space and freedom she has.

 

I told her I loved her and she replied with "I know" and just repeated that we could talk in the New year, after the 'break' and to see how she feels then.

 

Now that I've written this all down I can't see any hope. Lol.

 

But she does have all her stuff here - stuff that she needs for work, and she doesn't have anywhere else to go. She works in my city, but comes from a different city so will have to come back to this city for work. So I guess she has to come home, right?

Edited by lindyhop123
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The best thing to get her to fall for you again is to let her go. Don't try to please her. You will end up strangling her which is what she wants to avoid. Just tell her that you will respect her wishes and if she is happier without you than you will be happy for her. Don't talk too much to her when she comes back. Seems like she's got you by the balls, so you need to man up and take it like a man. She would not expect that and would be intrigued by you. Just let her see what she lost.

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DivorcedDad123

You can't make anyone happy. They have to do it themselves. Then, they'll want to be with you because they can,not because you're making them happy or giving them anything.

I'm guessing she's probably found someone in her hometown,but that's just a guess.

If it were me,I'd throw her stuff on the lawn and when she comes to get it and asks why, tell her it made you happy.Really happy. Happiest you've been in a long time.

But that's just me.

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The best thing to get her to fall for you again is to let her go. Don't try to please her. You will end up strangling her which is what she wants to avoid. Just tell her that you will respect her wishes and if she is happier without you than you will be happy for her. Don't talk too much to her when she comes back. Seems like she's got you by the balls, so you need to man up and take it like a man. She would not expect that and would be intrigued by you. Just let her see what she lost.

 

But I don't get it - there was literally nothing wrong before she left! I am so confused. I love her so much, I don't even know what's going on. But I will take this advice on board. Everyone has told me to just leave her to it - you're right, I need to be stronger.

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You can't make anyone happy. They have to do it themselves. Then, they'll want to be with you because they can,not because you're making them happy or giving them anything.

I'm guessing she's probably found someone in her hometown,but that's just a guess.

If it were me,I'd throw her stuff on the lawn and when she comes to get it and asks why, tell her it made you happy.Really happy. Happiest you've been in a long time.

But that's just me.

 

I thought about doing that, but I didn't want her to have any ammunition against me. Do you think she's being fair?

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DivorcedDad123

No,she's using use as a doormat. Knowing you'll be there when she returns,you'll keep the lights on,her stuff in order,and when and if she decides to come back,you'll welcome her with open arms.

You've done it before.

Honestly,from a guy who's 44,trust me. There are tons of women out there that won't treat you like this,but this one will for as long as you allow it.

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No,she's using use as a doormat. Knowing you'll be there when she returns,you'll keep the lights on,her stuff in order,and when and if she decides to come back,you'll welcome her with open arms.

You've done it before.

Honestly,from a guy who's 44,trust me. There are tons of women out there that won't treat you like this,but this one will for as long as you allow it.

 

I'm just confused because - in most other ways she can be quite kind. She has been quite kind to me over the last year in many ways. So I don't get this.

 

I realise that I am being used, but if I am honest I am worried to stand up to her. I don't know why - I think my confidence is a little low as I've put on weight, etc. I sort of don't want her here, but I do? Does that make sense?

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DivorcedDad123

That's perfectly normal. You've been "conditioned" and yes,your self esteem has probably taken a hit.

Enough about her.First things first.You need to work on being just fine by yourself. Can't have you meeting some hottie being all "needy" and ****.

What can you do to make improvements on the weight gain?

Long range goal?

Believe it or not,exercise is a great moral booster and stress reducer.

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That's perfectly normal. You've been "conditioned" and yes,your self esteem has probably taken a hit.

Enough about her.First things first.You need to work on being just fine by yourself. Can't have you meeting some hottie being all "needy" and ****.

What can you do to make improvements on the weight gain?

Long range goal?

Believe it or not,exercise is a great moral booster and stress reducer.

 

 

My self esteem has taken a major blow. I literally can't sleep as I just keep going over everything in my mind.

 

I just want to lose a couple of stone. I used to run regularly and love it but I don't so much anymore

 

I just don't understand. Sure, we all have fun with our friends but if you're committed to someone, do you just up and leave and ignore them when things are boring? Is that the answer? What?! She's acting like someone totally different to who I thought I knew. I know it seems minor, but we have a cat who she absolutely doted on, is she happy to just walk out? Sure, things weren't great recently but what is this... and I can't even message her as I am supposed to be giving her space. Great.

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If i asked you what's the most important thing for you now, you could give me many answers, but you wouldn't say "air". Yet I can guaranty (Yes I have that wisdom) that 1 minute without air and you're dead.

 

You don't know if she needs you or not, but right now she treats you as if you are "air". The only way she can notice your existance is if she can't have you. She may not want you at all but then you'll know it for sure.

 

So - gently Pack all her stuff into bags, and text her NOW that her stuff is waiting in the entrance to be collected, or you can ship it to her home city. and from now on full NC!! Don't answer her accusations, or anything. Now it's you that needs the space, and just move on.

 

This is the only way you have a chance with her - To ignore her. So my secret plan is that you'll "move on" only to have her back, but the "moving on" momentum will put you in a good place and you will be really moving on.

Edited by lolablue17
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I agree with most people here.

 

She is testing you and youre failing. You may be too late, who knows. But you need to show you're not scared to walk away. Don't respond to her BS anymore.

 

She wants you to make her happy? Its her own job to make herself happy. That's such garbage...she is disrespecting you and you are sitting around like a wimp accepting it. No more man, I want you wake up from this dream and realize she isn't someone irreplaceable or super special. View her as another person.

 

Give her what she wants - a breakup. And you know what that means? She loses you. When she comes back and wants to talk, you're too busy going on another date because she decided to let you go. No crying, no beging and no closure talk. You'll see her attitude change towards you and she'll be shocked that youre reactign this way. Shes going to expect you to sit around, cry and wait. With this said, I wouldn't take her back anyways. She sounds like she's wasting your time.

Edited by lauri
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I agree with most people here.

 

She is testing you and youre failing. You may be too late, who knows. But you need to show you're not scared to walk away. Don't respond to her BS anymore.

 

She wants you to make her happy? Its her own job to make herself happy. That's such garbage...she is disrespecting you and you are sitting around like a wimp accepting it. No more man, I want you wake up from this dream and realize she isn't someone irreplaceable or super special. View her as another person.

 

Give her what she wants - a breakup. And you know what that means? She loses you. When she comes back and wants to talk, you're too busy going on another date because she decided to let you go. No crying, no beging and no closure talk. You'll see her attitude change towards you and she'll be shocked that youre reactign this way. Shes going to expect you to sit around, cry and wait. With this said, I wouldn't take her back anyways. She sounds like she's wasting your time.

 

I don't think she'd be shocked. I don't think she'd care. I did just message her telling her that her stuff was waiting and she blew up, basically. Also won't tell me if she's coming back or not.

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I know I keep posting but... why when asked outright does she not say whether or not she's coming home? What the hell does that mean? She's been pretty direct with everything else, so why not this.

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I don't think she'd be shocked. I don't think she'd care. I did just message her telling her that her stuff was waiting and she blew up, basically. Also won't tell me if she's coming back or not.

 

I disagree. She will care..look at her reaction to you, that's anger.

 

I think she will be shocked you actually are able to do what I said. Blow her off like she means nothing and you'll see. I think your engaging in too much conversation and letting her disrespect you.

 

Take away her power over you man. Start moving things into action. She's just stringing you along because she can. Who cares if she is coming back or not. Don't even ask her these things - you should be acting indifferent at this point and not getting too emotionally involved. This girl has built up a million things against you.

 

Are you still going to sit around and wait for what is going to happen? Pack her stuff up and leave it at the front door waiting for her to come back. This girl is bad news.

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I disagree. She will care..look at her reaction to you, that's anger.

 

I think she will be shocked you actually are able to do what I said. Blow her off like she means nothing and you'll see. I think your engaging in too much conversation and letting her disrespect you.

 

Take away her power over you man. Start moving things into action. She's just stringing you along because she can. Who cares if she is coming back or not. Don't even ask her these things - you should be acting indifferent at this point and not getting too emotionally involved. This girl has built up a million things against you.

 

Are you still going to sit around and wait for what is going to happen? Pack her stuff up and leave it at the front door waiting for her to come back. This girl is bad news.

 

Hey. No, I agree. I have her stuff at the door, waiting. I've done all that. I just can't work out - I said, "are you comkng home?" She replied with "Just relax, I just need some space". I understand what you're saying, but surely if she wasn't coming, she'd say so? I mean, she lives with me, has stuff she needs for work, valuable stuff - she couldn't commute frkm her home town to work as it would take too long. I guess what I'm saying is surely she isn't just going to leave, just like that?

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If you know her address, Just send there her stuff, and then text her "i just sent your stuff to _____ by FedEx, you have all the space in the universe to yourself. BTW, I'm perfectly relaxed. Good luck".

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I don't think she'd be shocked. I don't think she'd care. I did just message her telling her that her stuff was waiting and she blew up, basically. Also won't tell me if she's coming back or not.

 

 

 

Because you're taking away her back-up plan!

 

 

Look, I got a feeling and it could be right but you would need to confirm a few things. Anytime she's with you she's cool. You get along great. Little arguments here and there but nothing out of the ordinary for a relationship. But, everytime she's ready to go back to her hometown, the fighting increases more than normal. Then, she goes home and decides that she needs a break; that she needs space. She spends some time at home then comes back and all is right in the universe! Back to normal!

 

 

Here's the rub, she's either got an old boyfriend back home that she's hooking up with while she's there OR she's meeting up with old single friends and when she goes out with them, she starts acting as if she is single as well, so not to feel left out. That means dancing and grinding up on some guys, handing out her number, even making out or even one night stands. All the while you're at home wondering if she's even coming back. Waiting patiently on the sidelines. Then, when she's done having fun, she comes back to what is safe and secure. YOU!!!

 

 

And if you ever find out what she did while she was away, well...you can get mad because, "We were on a break! What I did while we were not together is none of your business! It doesn't count and you can't hold that against me! It's not my fault you didn't date while we were apart!" Don't you love technicalities!

 

 

Dude, I think you're getting played. She wants a break? Fine, But you need to think about making it a little more permanent.

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Because you're taking away her back-up plan!

 

 

Look, I got a feeling and it could be right but you would need to confirm a few things. Anytime she's with you she's cool. You get along great. Little arguments here and there but nothing out of the ordinary for a relationship. But, everytime she's ready to go back to her hometown, the fighting increases more than normal. Then, she goes home and decides that she needs a break; that she needs space. She spends some time at home then comes back and all is right in the universe! Back to normal!

 

 

Here's the rub, she's either got an old boyfriend back home that she's hooking up with while she's there OR she's meeting up with old single friends and when she goes out with them, she starts acting as if she is single as well, so not to feel left out. That means dancing and grinding up on some guys, handing out her number, even making out or even one night stands. All the while you're at home wondering if she's even coming back. Waiting patiently on the sidelines. Then, when she's done having fun, she comes back to what is safe and secure. YOU!!!

 

 

And if you ever find out what she did while she was away, well...you can get mad because, "We were on a break! What I did while we were not together is none of your business! It doesn't count and you can't hold that against me! It's not my fault you didn't date while we were apart!" Don't you love technicalities!

 

 

Dude, I think you're getting played. She wants a break? Fine, But you need to think about making it a little more permanent.

 

I agree.

 

OP is sitting around and its actually working against him. I'm almost positive this is what is happening...want to know what's funny? She's actually getting so turned off by him, every minute he responds..waits..and sits around. Its only pushing her away. Why is she going to want to be with you if you can't respect yourself?

 

Don't respond to her ever again man. She's in the arms of another guy. When he doesn't comit to her, she'll run back to you. Its up to you to tell her enough is enough.

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My first thought is that there's someone else in her hometown she's interested in, or she's hanging out with some single friends and enjoying the singles' scene. You say she's acting completely out of characters, but by your own description, that's not entirely true. You stated this usually happens when she goes to visit her hometown. So she's actually behaving as she has before. This time, don't take her BS. Do as the others suggested and show her the door. She's not totally in love with you if she yo-yos around like this and expects you to be Plan B. She doesn't appreciate you, so it's time for you to close that chapter.

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My first thought is that there's someone else in her hometown she's interested in, or she's hanging out with some single friends and enjoying the singles' scene. You say she's acting completely out of characters, but by your own description, that's not entirely true. You stated this usually happens when she goes to visit her hometown. So she's actually behaving as she has before. This time, don't take her BS. Do as the others suggested and show her the door. She's not totally in love with you if she yo-yos around like this and expects you to be Plan B. She doesn't appreciate you, so it's time for you to close that chapter.

 

I have to be honest, I'm not convinced on the other guy theory... I've been to the hometown and know her friends, family. I don't think this is the case. What I do think is that she just enjoys being responsibility- free in her town. I know she's with her friends and getting trashed - she NEVER sees them. I've been, it IS fun up there. I do believe that she enjoys feeling free and single, and we live together so I am not against her having some fun with her friends. I have to admit I was a little persistent with her. She doesn't see her friends and family often, so because I'm a nice guy, I understand.

 

I can appreciate the advice but I'm just not buying the other guy theory. The town isn't that big, and I know everyone up there lol.

 

I do love her. I've got some problems that she's accepted, and I trust her. I just wish she'd not do this. And I wish I could get an answer out of her. I'm not sitting around, I have tried to make every day busy and just leave her to it. I know she will come back to collect her stuff at some point, so all I can do is leave it.

Edited by lindyhop123
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I have to be honest, I'm not convinced on the other guy theory... I've been to the hometown and know her friends, family. I don't think this is the case. What I do think is that she just enjoys being responsibility- free in her town. I know she's with her friends and getting trashed - she NEVER sees them. I've been, it IS fun up there. I do believe that she enjoys feeling free and single, and we live together so I am not against her having some fun with her friends. I have to admit I was a little persistent with her. She doesn't see her friends and family often, so because I'm a nice guy, I understand.

 

I can appreciate the advice but I'm just not buying the other guy theory. The town isn't that big, and I know everyone up there lol.

 

I do love her. I've got some problems that she's accepted, and I trust her. I just wish she'd not do this. And I wish I could get an answer out of her. I'm not sitting around, I have tried to make every day busy and just leave her to it. I know she will come back to collect her stuff at some point, so all I can do is leave it.

 

Sorry you're going through this. Everyone's just trying to warn you of what could potentially be happening. The irrational anger for no reason toward you, the sudden need to take a break and the lines she's feeding you to make sure you're still hooked are all things we've seen many times before on these forums. More often then not it turns out that another guy is involved.

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Sorry you're going through this. Everyone's just trying to warn you of what could potentially be happening. The irrational anger for no reason toward you, the sudden need to take a break and the lines she's feeding you to make sure you're still hooked are all things we've seen many times before on these forums. More often then not it turns out that another guy is involved.

 

I sincerely hope not, as that would be a huge disappointment. She says that she's tired of being miserable with me (we DO argue a lot) and is just having some fun, for once. This is, IMO, why she wants space. I don't know. I can't imagine her seeing someone else, but I will definitely keep updating here.

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I sincerely hope not, as that would be a huge disappointment. She says that she's tired of being miserable with me (we DO argue a lot) and is just having some fun, for once. This is, IMO, why she wants space. I don't know. I can't imagine her seeing someone else, but I will definitely keep updating here.

 

I really dislike how she blames you for not being happy.

 

Its her own responsibility to be happy. Don't let yourself fall into her bs coated explanations of what is happening...its really simple. She lost interest and already has one foot out the door.

 

Just don't be scared to walk away - you shouldn't be scared to be alone or to find someone else.

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I really dislike how she blames you for not being happy.

 

Its her own responsibility to be happy. Don't let yourself fall into her bs coated explanations of what is happening...its really simple. She lost interest and already has one foot out the door.

 

Just don't be scared to walk away - you shouldn't be scared to be alone or to find someone else.

 

 

I have to be honest.... I am pretty scared of being alone. And I can see and feel that she's lost interestm

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