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I broke NC and I'm an idiot


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 28th December 2014, 5:23 PM   #1
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I broke NC and I'm an idiot

I haven't spoken to him for just over a week, suddenly last night I thought I was ready to speak to him again. I wasn't. I unblocked him and saw he had changed his picture and was carrying on absolutely fine, actually better. It was the worst mistake I've made. I've broken nc and I spoke to him as well, I'm getting him to block me because I don't want to make this mistake again, what hurts me the most is that he's fine without me and I'm still pandering for him. It hurts.
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Old 28th December 2014, 5:28 PM   #2
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Your not a idiot. It's only natural to be curious. Keep strong. X
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Old 28th December 2014, 5:32 PM   #3
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Don't worry about it, as hard as it is sometimes you need to see these things in order to move on.

I personally think you should only start NC when you are ready and want to move on. I've read lots of posts about people doing NC and finding it difficult, because they still want their ex back and aren't ready to move on. Why not start with LC first, some people find it easier this way.

There is no right or wrong way, just do what suits your needs x
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Old 28th December 2014, 5:53 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Ieris View Post
Don't worry about it, as hard as it is sometimes you need to see these things in order to move on.

I personally think you should only start NC when you are ready and want to move on. I've read lots of posts about people doing NC and finding it difficult, because they still want their ex back and aren't ready to move on. Why not start with LC first, some people find it easier this way.

There is no right or wrong way, just do what suits your needs x
I agree in part with this. But in my experience, if you keep contact (especially active contact with messages, email, etc) then eventually you just look desperate. After the pain of being dumped no one then needs to humiliation of being labelled crazy and desperate!

I only started full NC when I came on here a few days ago and it has made a marked difference in how I am handling things. I've a way to go but without new material to obsess over e.g. pictures, status updates, etc, then the old stuff I used to question is losing it's power over me.

That said, although it sounds twisted, in the initial few days after the break up when he was friending all these girls on FB and other things that indicated he was actively courting women, it actually helped to keep putting nails in the coffin. Although I wanted him back, I knew with every new pain that it was aiding the resolve that I couldn't actually do it even if he came back.

Horses for courses, but I you just want done with the whole situation as quickly as you can, then full NC is absolutely the way to go.
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Old 28th December 2014, 6:10 PM   #5
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The title of your post makes me think about a fight with my ex husband; after the fight I had put a sign on his trunk "My wife is always right, and I'm an idiot." He drove all day with it

You're not an idiot. It's just human nature that got the best of you. You ought not to be so hard on yourself.

That reminds of this post I just answered about forgiveness. Who cares about forgiving an ex. I think what's important is to forgive numero uno, yourself. It's much tougher to do.

You will do fine. It's just a bad day. That will go away, and obviously you're working in it.
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Old 28th December 2014, 6:58 PM   #6
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You are not an idiot. We are all human, and you did what you felt in that moment. But if you want to get over him, you should not contact him anymore, cause you will suffer more.
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Old 28th December 2014, 7:12 PM   #7
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Thank you all for your kind replies. I am going to try and stick to nc as I should have done in first place, yes, human nature got the better of me and all its done is made me feel worse by knowing that's he's completely fine without me, I didn't need to know that. Hopefully there'll come a time where I stop caring so much but until then I need to forget he exists as best I can.
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Old 28th December 2014, 7:21 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by welshbambi View Post
I agree in part with this. But in my experience, if you keep contact (especially active contact with messages, email, etc) then eventually you just look desperate. After the pain of being dumped no one then needs to humiliation of being labelled crazy and desperate!

I only started full NC when I came on here a few days ago and it has made a marked difference in how I am handling things. I've a way to go but without new material to obsess over e.g. pictures, status updates, etc, then the old stuff I used to question is losing it's power over me.

That said, although it sounds twisted, in the initial few days after the break up when he was friending all these girls on FB and other things that indicated he was actively courting women, it actually helped to keep putting nails in the coffin. Although I wanted him back, I knew with every new pain that it was aiding the resolve that I couldn't actually do it even if he came back.

Horses for courses, but I you just want done with the whole situation as quickly as you can, then full NC is absolutely the way to go.
At times, when the dumper/dumpee goes NC, it can make the other person think "wtf?!" and act more crazy.

I remember with one break up I had, we went LC and we both got over it quickly (one month) because we let the news sink in so it was easier to let go. Whereas if we went NC, we may have been banging on each others door kicking and screaming.

I guess it depends on the person you're dealing with and the situation. Some like a swift clean cut and some like a gradual cut off, do whatever suits you x
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Old 28th December 2014, 7:28 PM   #9
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Please don't think that just because he has a new picture on FB or anywhere that he's "doing just fine". I saw my wife last week and she looks fantastic! Lost weight. Well, it turns out that she's not able to eat much now. she has put her job in danger by not being able to perform it. Yeah, she looks wonderful (and that makes me worry guys will start really hitting on her), but it's definitely not because she's doing so well. The opposite is true!

Seriously, nobody is a machine. Some pull off better facades than others, but we all hurt, even the other spouse. Please take some comfort in knowing he's probably in huge amounts of pain!! I do lol.
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Old 28th December 2014, 7:33 PM   #10
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Just some possibly useful tips:

1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt and disappointed, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

5. Tell yourself that you can and will love again.

6. Take care of your body:

Eat enough and eat healthily.
Drink enough water.
Get a bit more rest than you think you need.
Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.
If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. Thats not easy, but it helps.

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.
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Old 28th December 2014, 7:40 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satu View Post
Just some possibly useful tips:

1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt and disappointed, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

5. Tell yourself that you can and will love again.

6. Take care of your body:

Eat enough and eat healthily.
Drink enough water.
Get a bit more rest than you think you need.
Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.
If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. Thats not easy, but it helps.

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.
Thank you very much. I don't drink or do drugs anyway but the thought has certainly crossed my mind. However I can't because of my medication anyway which is definitely a good thing long term. Yes I'm hurting, but I'm definitely a lot better after reading these helpful replies.
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Old 28th December 2014, 8:17 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ieris View Post
Don't worry about it, as hard as it is sometimes you need to see these things in order to move on.

I personally think you should only start NC when you are ready and want to move on. I've read lots of posts about people doing NC and finding it difficult, because they still want their ex back and aren't ready to move on. Why not start with LC first, some people find it easier this way.

There is no right or wrong way, just do what suits your needs x
Quote:
Originally Posted by Satu View Post
Just some possibly useful tips:

1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt and disappointed, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

5. Tell yourself that you can and will love again.

6. Take care of your body:

Eat enough and eat healthily.
Drink enough water.
Get a bit more rest than you think you need.
Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.
If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. Thats not easy, but it helps.

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.
Satu is my hero.
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Old 28th December 2014, 8:58 PM   #13
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You're so not an idiot. You're human. I know how you feel though... with regard to feeling deeply for someone who seems to not care. It hurts very much.

Trying to keep this in mind as per Satu:

Quote:
Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.
I tend to feel like, why am I feeling so incredibly sad about this, when X clearly doesn't give a crap about me? It's because we are who we are. We're freaking sensitive and we are hurt and we can't just snap out of it, because we need time to heal. It's not a fast process, unfortunately. Particularly, for the sensitive/caring type.

I would advise you not to beat yourself up about not following the nc rules to a tee, because you have to follow your own head/heart to a certain extent and learn as you go. As others have suggested on here, it does become increasingly clear though, when you realize how on 'two separate pages' you and the other person are (ie. if you still have feelings, and they're working on moving on without you), that nc is truly the best way to recover from the whole shebang.

It's never fun to keep putting your heart out there to get hurt in return. It's an awful feeling. However, just keep in mind -- what's for you won't pass you, so don't give up as something better awaits you in the future.

You deserve someone who reciprocates the love you give.
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Old 29th December 2014, 12:57 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by dyna85 View Post
You're so not an idiot. You're human. I know how you feel though... with regard to feeling deeply for someone who seems to not care. It hurts very much.

Trying to keep this in mind as per Satu:



I tend to feel like, why am I feeling so incredibly sad about this, when X clearly doesn't give a crap about me? It's because we are who we are. We're freaking sensitive and we are hurt and we can't just snap out of it, because we need time to heal. It's not a fast process, unfortunately. Particularly, for the sensitive/caring type.

I would advise you not to beat yourself up about not following the nc rules to a tee, because you have to follow your own head/heart to a certain extent and learn as you go. As others have suggested on here, it does become increasingly clear though, when you realize how on 'two separate pages' you and the other person are (ie. if you still have feelings, and they're working on moving on without you), that nc is truly the best way to recover from the whole shebang.

It's never fun to keep putting your heart out there to get hurt in return. It's an awful feeling. However, just keep in mind -- what's for you won't pass you, so don't give up as something better awaits you in the future.

You deserve someone who reciprocates the love you give.
Thank you very much for this, it really does mean a lot. It is of some solace that I'm not alone in this and the honest and good caring people of this website can understand and assist. Of course there's only so much you can do and this is something which I must tackle on my own, but thank you all very much for your support.
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Old 31st December 2014, 12:32 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by cmack102 View Post
I haven't spoken to him for just over a week, suddenly last night I thought I was ready to speak to him again. I wasn't. I unblocked him and saw he had changed his picture and was carrying on absolutely fine, actually better. It was the worst mistake I've made. I've broken nc and I spoke to him as well, I'm getting him to block me because I don't want to make this mistake again, what hurts me the most is that he's fine without me and I'm still pandering for him. It hurts.
I truly hope you are feeling better about this.

I had a funny thought yesterday. When I met my wife last week, she confided in me how badly she has been doing and as I mentioned she has lost weight. Yesterday, I contemplated how I must look to her. I still look exactly the same, except I had bought some weights and put on more muscle. Since I moved out I educated myself in a new field and am now employed in it. I don't initiate contact with her and one time when she emailed me about "being together someday in the future", I told her that if this divorce goes through, I don't see why I would want to try again with her considering how she has been treating me.

She still has everything as it was except for me not being there. She still has her job, daughter, house, friends. I moved out and lost everything!

It was an epiphany. As broken and empty as I have been feeling, as I was wondering how she could go on with her life right in stride, she must wonder that about me!

Living well is the best revenge! :-P
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