My partner left me for a younger woman

[Lianalady]

My partner of 6 years left me and immediately started living with a woman nearly half my age. For years he demonstrated paranoia about my commitment, despite the fact that I adored him and helped him raise his children. Despite this his new lady (22years and 18 yrs his junior) has a reputation for being permissive, drug using and completely full of herself. I asked him for an explanation and to know when he stoppedc loving me and she sent me an abusive message and said 'WE'RE happy, move on'. I am lost and bewildered. Everyone says I have had a lucky escape, I'm beautiful, talented etc etc, but I believe none of it. I will never know if all the times he said he loved me were real or not. What should I do?

[amaysngrace]

A brain at 22 isn't even fully developed. That's pretty sad that he has to prey on someone that way.

 

This whole thing says a lot more about him than it does about you. I think your friends are exactly right.

 

You got rid of a loser and he's her problem now.

[Satu]

I'm sorry to hear that this happened. I don't know how recently this happened but here are some tips that might, (or might not), be helpful:

 

1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt and disappointed, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce over time.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Tell yourself that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. Thats not easy, but it helps.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.

[Lianalady]

Thanks. She is as different to me as you could ever imagine and is jobless (they are living in a caravan together). He was a difficult man at times and could be emotionally abusive, but I tried so hard to make him happy and just loved being near him. I have never hurt anyone and do a job that benefits my fellow man, have raised two wonderful children but feel so trodden on an sad, that I'm starting to wonder if it's all worth anything at all.

[Lianalady]

I'm afraid I haven't been eating or sleeping and have lost over a stone in a month! I'm dreading New Years Eve as I know they will party and I will be at home alone. I understand that this is a process but I just want to fast forward to a place where I feel better and stronger. I can't believe that I've fallen into such a black place because a man betrayed me.

[Satu]

I'm afraid I haven't been eating or sleeping and have lost over a stone in a month! I'm dreading New Years Eve as I know they will party and I will be at home alone. I understand that this is a process but I just want to fast forward to a place where I feel better and stronger. I can't believe that I've fallen into such a black place because a man betrayed me.

 

You definitely need to eat right and get some sleep. Healing from experiences like this has a physiological component, so you have to look after your body. How recently did the break up take place?

[amaysngrace]

If he's 40 he isn't going to be able to keep up with her for very long.

 

Sure he may look okay for now because he hasn't started aging but it won't be long before his skin gets more mushy and his balls start to sag because he'll be losing testosterone and a young jacked buck will bring him the karma he has coming to him.

 

I understand you're knocked down right now and that sucks but you need to love yourself a lot right now to make up for the love you didn't ever get from him.

 

You didn't deserve this to happen to you...you're better than that. And he was never good enough for you to begin with.

[Lianalady]

Wow! So glad I decided to post this (as I felt a bit self-pitying and weak minded). Your replies are so full of love and understanding, it has really helped. He used to shout at me and and tell me I would 'end up alone' despite the fact that I moved him and his children into my home and threw myself into being his partner and their friend (they ere still in contact with me). He hid his own stimulant use for years but I know I suffered on his come down days so it hurts like hell that I hear he treats his new lady like a princess. I make him sound like a monster, which he isn't. Just a damaged and weak man but one that I miss so much it's painful. Sleeping alone is so hard and I'm just so tired out. I have a lovely home and a good job and some great friends (and my wonderful dog) so at least I wasn't financially dependant upon him and I know I'm strong and capable, just feel so broken and unlike myself right now. Thanks guys. X

[Lianalady]

'You definitely need to eat right and get some sleep. Healing from experiences like this has a physiological component, so you have to look after your body. How recently did the break up take place?'

 

It seems like forever but it was just 4 weeks ago. 6 weeks ago we went on a trip to Wales in his camper and had the best time. Walking, shopping, laughing and I thought just being in love!

Now here I am, sat in front of the TV drinking endless cups of tea ( typical English woman!) Feeking abandoned and so confused.

[amaysngrace]

You have to focus on your positives right now and recognize his negatives. Get pissed at him if you can. Get really mad that he would treat you that way because you deserve so much more from a man you open your heart to.

 

Anger is the next stage after sadness. Just don't get stuck there for too long because you will become bitter. You need to find acceptance but by all means allow every emotion to get it's proper attention.

 

You're allowed to feel however you feel. It's part of being human.

 

Edit to add...you're positively lovely in your picture!!

[Lianalady]

Thank you. I have moments of feeling pretty 'pissed' at him but also recognise his right to make his own choices in life and hope one day I can wish him happiness. I just can't imagine ever feeling that way about another man (loved him more than my ex-husband who is actually wonderful) and don't want to be alone forever. ?

[Satu]

I get a strong impression that you'll successfully heal and get through this. You've got a lot of positives in your life which will make the healing easier, and hopefully not too protracted.

 

In your few posts, you come across as a self-aware person, who is in touch with her feelings, and that is a very big positive.

 

Treat yourself the way you would treat a person who you really love, and care about, and you'll get through this successfully.

[Elle1975]

My father left us and replaced my mother with a woman a year older than me (no, I kid you not). Guess what? She left his old @ss a few years later. In the process he lost my mom, my brother, and I.

 

You're very pretty. He left for someone younger? Replace him for a better model! I myself like men my age. Not everybody wants a younger partner.

 

By the way.. a good job, your own home, and fit? You're a catch. Don't let his infidelity bring you down. Hope you meet someone new by the time he realizes his mistake.

 

PS: change your locks.

[anne1707]

You have received lots of good advice already so I just wanted to point out some good news....

 

they are living in a caravan together

 

:laugh:just think how cold they must be shivering away in a little caravan in the middle of winter whilst you have your nice warm home which you don't have to share with that waste of space anymore.

 

Oh and I don't see what the problem is in drinking tea!

[Allumere]

Thanks. She is as different to me as you could ever imagine and is jobless (they are living in a caravan together). He was a difficult man at times and could be emotionally abusive, but I tried so hard to make him happy and just loved being near him.

 

Oh huni....you don't need this crap. What you wrote above is very telling. You are a pleaser and that is something very different from being kind (although you may in fact also be a very kind person) In this scenario you were looking for validation and approval. If I make him happy, if i do x, y and z he will love me....that is not what a real loving relationship is built on.

 

Take this time to look out for you...try and implement the suggestions of the other posters and consider going to a therapist to talk some of this out. Bottom line is that this man IMHO never really loved you but just kept you around until something else struck his fancy. My guess is he didn't have to work really hard at the relationship. A real man who gives two cents about his partner (or did at some point) doesn't just run off to join the circus.

 

You simply deserve better.

[Lianalady]

I hear the very good sense of you guys and I know that you're all talking sense. I do blame myself for staying so long with a man who had little regard for me as a person, my job, my views on parenting.... Pretty much everything really! This isn't what I envisaged I'd be like at this stage of my life. He told me once that reading about life in books was pointless and to my shame I stopped (and I used to be a Librarian, so literature was my passion). I consider myself an educated, aware woman but I have let myself be completely destroyed emotionally by a drug-using, selfish man. I found out about his new lady (incidentally the daughter of one of his friends who he watched grow up and used to socialise with his own 19 yr old daughter) when I saw them walking down to his caravan together at night. I asked where he was headed and he said 'back to the van with my new partner'. I was so shocked all I could think of to say was 'are you happy?' After mumbling some vague accusations about me being 'too full on' he then said 'just f*** off and leave me alone!' This from a man who a few weeks previously had talked of marriage and would get upset if I didn't immediately respond to texts he sent during the day. I'm ashamed to say I miss those texts. Just simple and obviously meaningless words of love. I feel so damaged by my failings as well as his. My children (both brilliant and hardworking) were home for Xmas and told me they were so relieved he was gone but we're frustrated by my grief.

[Lianalady]

Elle1975 so sorry to hear about you father's desertion. I need to remember how my ex's own children (aged 19, 17 & 13) feel about the choice he has made. I came to love them very much even though at first they resented the fact that I was on their case about homework, teeth-brushing etc like I did with my own. They all now tell me that this actually made them feel loved and valued unlike their dad's more permissive and inconsistent parenting style.

I know the day will come when he is a broken, lonely man and Inwill be ok but, that doesn't make it better as I know my heart will bleed a little for him. I hope you can forgive your father and I hope your mother found happiness and peace.

[whichwayisup]

I'm afraid I haven't been eating or sleeping and have lost over a stone in a month! I'm dreading New Years Eve as I know they will party and I will be at home alone. I understand that this is a process but I just want to fast forward to a place where I feel better and stronger. I can't believe that I've fallen into such a black place because a man betrayed me.

 

Call your women friends and go out NYE. Don't let this fool get you down.

 

It sucks and I'm sorry he's hurt you, but in the long run you're better off. He's in a fog and is selfish, soon he'll realize what he gave up for this 22 year old girl.

 

Grieve the loss, it's okay to cry and feel sad. It hurts to lose someone you loved and never thought they'd betray you in the worst way possible.

[Elle1975]

He's in a nursing home somewhere, alienated from his own family. It's not just what he did, it's a bunch of other things, drama, lies. Not worth talking about.

 

My mom is well. She's 75 now.

 

You don't need that guy or his texts. Keep the kids in your life, that's where the heart is, but don't take him back. I'm shocked by his language "fck off". After all you've done.. he says "fck off"... jerk.

 

And again, change the locks.

[Lianalady]

Ok. Locks changed on the list. Actually considering selling up and moving away. Small rural communities are great but it's difficult to recover when pretty much everyone knows your business and will unwittingly tell you stuff you don't want to hear or treat you like a leper (it's almost like sadness is catching, people shy away!). Just reading some of the positive stuff on here has helped me so much. I've actually raided the fridge and am eating patè and crackers! Bridget Jones famously used 'Chaka Khan and vodka' to cope with her break up but for me it will probably be Jane Austen and Earl Grey tea! God! I feel so much better, I may even sleep. Good to remember in these times of chaos that there is love out there.

[Elle1975]

Better stay away from alcohol anyway. Btw, now I want crackers and cheese too.. uhm..

 

Glad you are feeling better! I take Zquil when I can't sleep, because it's not addictive and I don't wake up drowsy.

 

New house would be awesome. New house, new neighbors, new guy? Okay okay, maybe a bit early.. but that's a step in the right direction right?

[Lianalady]

I've been prescribed something called Zopiclone for sleep but although I take two (which I shouldn't) it doesn't hold me asleep and gives me troubling dreams. I have imagined them cuddled up together in the van we only recently went away in, where he kissed my head and said he loved me! It hurt so much when I text him for an answer for everything but she then sent me a message, as he must have shown her. He would never have shown me his phone or a text from an ex. He seems to be someone completely different to the man I thought I knew inside out. The look of hatred on his face the last time I saw him was such a huge shock. I just don't get how he doesn't realise how I must feel. He was always so jealous and possessive of me. I married very young and after divorce was single for ages (bringing up my children) so have a pretty limited sexual history but even that made him mad with jealousy. His new lady has, shall we say 'embraced her sexual freedom' in her 22 years even having an affair with his married father of 3 friend in the past (which he said disgusted him). It's something I will never understand and scares the hell out of me for the future. Another poster said I was a 'pleaser'. She's spot on but I don't know how else to be. Just loved him and jumped in with both feet. Uh oh! Starting to go over and over it again!!!

[SoThatHappened]

Yeah, that "relationship" isn't gonna last.

 

He just dumped a great woman (in a horrible way), and their fling will last about 15 minutes. I'm 34 and couldn't keep up with a 22-y/o (granted, she likely has a personality disorder), but the age gap is way too big.

 

I'd bet my paycheck that this guy comes running back to you, begging for forgiveness, in very little time... 6 months tops.

 

Be grateful you got out of a relationship with a P.o.S., and it's all his fault.

[Satu]

I've been prescribed something called Zopiclone for sleep but although I take two (which I shouldn't) it doesn't hold me asleep and gives me troubling dreams. I have imagined them cuddled up together in the van we only recently went away in, where he kissed my head and said he loved me! It hurt so much when I text him for an answer for everything but she then sent me a message, as he must have shown her. He would never have shown me his phone or a text from an ex. He seems to be someone completely different to the man I thought I knew inside out. The look of hatred on his face the last time I saw him was such a huge shock. I just don't get how he doesn't realise how I must feel. He was always so jealous and possessive of me. I married very young and after divorce was single for ages (bringing up my children) so have a pretty limited sexual history but even that made him mad with jealousy. His new lady has, shall we say 'embraced her sexual freedom' in her 22 years even having an affair with his married father of 3 friend in the past (which he said disgusted him). It's something I will never understand and scares the hell out of me for the future. Another poster said I was a 'pleaser'. She's spot on but I don't know how else to be. Just loved him and jumped in with both feet. Uh oh! Starting to go over and over it again!!!

 

If you're not eating enough, it might be contributing to your difficulty getting to sleep and staying asleep. If your blood sugar drops below a certain level your body wants you to eat, not sleep.

 

On the same topic, rapid weight loss causes all kinds of problems, and that is also likely to be interfering with your sleep.

 

Lecture over

[Elle1975]

Another poster said I was a 'pleaser'. She's spot on but I don't know how else to be. Just loved him and jumped in with both feet. Uh oh! Starting to go over and over it again!!!

 

It's normal to go through ups and downs. Eventually you will have more ups than downs (I call them Good Days, as a lot of people do).

 

Being a pleaser is fine, but the person in front of you has to deserve it. He clearly doesn't.

 

Let him enjoy his middle age crisis, and build your life anew. It's like.. this great opportunity! Might not look like it, or should I say "feel" like it, but it is.