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Hurt my ex bad..how do i get her to at least talk to me


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 27th December 2014, 10:47 AM   #1
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Hurt my ex bad..how do i get her to at least talk to me

hey guys,

never thought i would be writing here.. but i guess we all surprise ourselves once in a while right?

so i need your help to make me understand this situation im in.

my ex and i started dating 5 years back and we were very close to each other, to the extent that we almost had no other friends.
last year, she moved to another country because of her job, and that left me heartbroken. a few months later she said that she wanted to break up, cause she wanted to live her life and explore other opportunities. i cried and tried to convince her not to....and we ended up getting back together 6 months later.

a few months back, i entered that exact same phase, and did the same thing to her not realizing that she was even more in love with me at this point and didn't want to break up at all. she remained depressed for a while, and we kept talking on & off, until suddenly she suddenly stopped calling me.

at this point i realized what a grave mistake i had made... and called her a few times to see if she was ready to give us a second chance...if not now but at least in the near future. she told me that she had nothing to do with me and everything was over between us, cause she had lost all faith in me.

a few weeks later i flew down to her country only to stumble across her phone which had a messages from a random friend of hers. the messages had a few dirty pictures of hers ( although no one could make out they were hers as she wasnt showing her face in any of them).
i dont know what happened to me at this point, i sent those pics to my phone and created this whole story of how i found these pictures on a random porn site a few days later. she was very upset as she thought that someone had hacked her phone. i was basically doing all this just to make her throw this random guy and confide in me once more as this is what i missed most.

she found out what actually happened the next day, and basically told me to never talk to her ever again.

now, i totally agree that what i had done was out of order and i should never be forgiven for it. i know shell never come back to me cause she can never trust me again.

but i really love her. i know some of may say that all that i did doesnt show any love, but i acted out of desperation for her attention.

i need to know your opinion guys....please help....

im suicidal right now. cause ive not only lost the only girl i ever had feelings for, but cause ive lost faith in myself to ever be a good person.
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Old 27th December 2014, 12:23 PM   #2
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You deserve it, just don't go killing yourself
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Old 27th December 2014, 12:58 PM   #3
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Yeah, you haven't been the model boyfriend but her reaction is totally understandable. You need to respect her feelings and wishes and leave her alone.

What you should now focus on doing is accepting your faults and making sure you gave dealt with any trust issues you have that could affect future relationships.

I understand your love for this girl, but you have both hurt eachother in turn. Even if you git back together, it us unlikely to be the same because there would be very little trust on either side.

Respect her wishes, learn and grow. If you are genuinely feeling suicidal then please, please get immediate support and help.
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Old 27th December 2014, 2:31 PM   #4
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First, don't kill yourself. You will hurt people you love and will loose the opportunity to have a full life in the future. You are much better than that.

Until half of the story I though OK, she is playing the victim for something she has done to you before. That actually should have been the lesson for you both. THINK before you cut the other off as it hurts a lot (I have been there more than once). You both sound young, are you?

Than your actions ... It seems to me that you have anger issues that you really have to work on. Doing what you did is passive aggressive behaviour. You know even the breaking up with her could have been your unconscious revenge to her for what she did to you before, as she had played a major game with you when she moved away. I find it strange that you begged her back and than lost your feelings a few moths later, why was that? And after that incident you wanted her back again, why? It sounds to me that you wanted to have the control (having the power). While you broke with her she acted like the victim which probably was (even more) angering. Your revenge was the ultimate power-trip, until you started to think again with the same conclusion you want her back. It think you should be investigating of this all rings true with you.

You flew to her? What happened in between? What she willing to engage again? Because stumbling on her phone does not happen out of the blue.

The dynamic you two had is a bit worrying to me, first the clinging you both did and than the dynamic you described. You two do not sound very healthy for each-other if I am honest to you.

cheacko please seek help for how you feel and search for some therapy. It can only get better!!
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Old 27th December 2014, 2:52 PM   #5
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Forget about being with you ex or any other woman for a while, and get some therapy.

Your push-pull behaviour needs to be unravelled and dealt with.
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Old 27th December 2014, 3:08 PM   #6
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You made a terrible decision and you regret it. I get that.

But, think about how she is feeling too and not just how you are feeling because you miss her (or her validation).

Not only did you lie to her and probably scare the bejeezus out of her, but your broke her trust. Why should she have any reason to talk to a person who would do that to her? Try seeing this from her end.

If you are truly feeling suicidal then please pick up the phone and get yourself some help. Breakups are an utterly terrible loss that most everyone has to go through and that often means mistakes along the way. They hurt so bad you may not want to feel like living (for a time) - but that doesn't mean you should translate that to action.

You have already shown that you will manipulate this person in an attempt to get what you want. That is a bad road to head down and there are consequences (As you are seeing now). Might not be a bad idea to examine why you would do that....furthermore, to realize you don't do that to someone you truly love and have respect for.
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Old 27th December 2014, 4:03 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hoping2heal View Post
You made a terrible decision and you regret it. I get that.

But, think about how she is feeling too and not just how you are feeling because you miss her (or her validation).

Not only did you lie to her and probably scare the bejeezus out of her, but your broke her trust. Why should she have any reason to talk to a person who would do that to her? Try seeing this from her end.


If you are truly feeling suicidal then please pick up the phone and get yourself some help. Breakups are an utterly terrible loss that most everyone has to go through and that often means mistakes along the way. They hurt so bad you may not want to feel like living (for a time) - but that doesn't mean you should translate that to action.

You have already shown that you will manipulate this person in an attempt to get what you want. That is a bad road to head down and there are consequences (As you are seeing now). Might not be a bad idea to examine why you would do that....furthermore, to realize you don't do that to someone you truly love and have respect for.
All of this. Until you figure out why you think manipulating someone that way is an appropriate course of action (and yes, something in you gave yourself justification for this) you need to stay single. Work on your own issues first, then think about dating again. I think you need to let her go now and close this chapter, though.
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Old 27th December 2014, 5:42 PM   #8
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You admitted to be very wrong with those phone pics, so i'm not going to refer to that.

I don't buy the distance as the reason she wanted to break up with you in the first place, when she was away. See, when YOU were away suddenly the distance was not an issue. She just wanted to replace you with other men, to "explore other opportunities".

I also don't buy the reason she lost faith in you, was her "being in love with you". It sounds more like EGO than love. Because if she loved you so much, she would have taken you back, because you regreted quickly, due to the circumstances.

In her mind it's inappropriate for you to do things, she allowed herself doing to you. I have a feeling that you wouldn't break up with her (when you're away) if she didn't do the same before.

In my eyes, when she stopped loving you, and dumped you "to explore men", she cracked your pure love and from that moment the negative process has began - You did the same to her... and it was only the beginning. Even if you were married now, most chances that the negative process would have continued.

So i think your current story with her is terminated. Not because of your stupid trick with the phone, but because she didn't love you so much. then, and now.

You ask about the future? I think the only way you can be with her in the future is if you start something totally new from scratch. So you can wait at least a 2-3 years until trying again.

Last edited by lolablue17; 27th December 2014 at 5:45 PM..
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Old 31st December 2014, 11:22 AM   #9
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hey guys,

thanks a lot for your help. ive learnt quite a bit from them and have hopefully moved on from being suicidal - at least for the immense love my parents have shown me.

i was resigned to not talking to her for a while until a few days back when i messaged to ask her for her account details, cause i owed her quite a bit of money. she messaged back asking me why i had all that to her, and asked me to call her for a while.

when i did, she told me that she loved me a lot still, and really missed me all this while. she cared for me a lot and wanted to help me through whatever trouble i had, if only as a friend. now, bcoz of all that i had done, she had lost complete faith in people, as she had trusted me much more than anyone else on the planet.

she said that she was in a terrible place in her life, bcoz of all the things that i had done to her. after i broke up with her she had turned into a maniac who couldnt concentrate on her work, nor was ever happy.

she said that she had no feelings towards the rebound, and she was only making out with him cause she needed some sort of companionship in life. the guy also was very platonic towards her and was only in it for the sex.

i feel terrible that shes in such a situation. even more so because im the main culprit for it....

what do i guys?????

i want to help her..really !! but i dont know what to say to her. i know that she shouldnt be with this guy, bcoz if she really wants some stability, she needs to be happy by herself - thats exactly what you guys to told me to do right?

i thought that being with this guy would atleast make her happy. on the basis of what she just told me, it doesnt seem to be the case.

please help me guys. how do i help her???
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Old 31st December 2014, 11:47 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cheacko View Post
she said that she was in a terrible place in her life, bcoz of all the things that i had done to her. after i broke up with her she had turned into a maniac who couldnt concentrate on her work, nor was ever happy.
According to this definition I regularly have been a maniac. in all honesty a mania refers to different symptoms
Quote:
Originally Posted by cheacko View Post
she said that she had no feelings towards the rebound, and she was only making out with him cause she needed some sort of companionship in life. the guy also was very platonic towards her and was only in it for the sex.

i feel terrible that shes in such a situation. even more so because im the main culprit for it....

what do i guys????? [...] please help me guys. how do i help her???
Are you sure that you are the cause, she started distancing remember? What you did was out of bounds, but it seems to me that this lady also needs an honest look to herself. Yes, just as members here told you As for your part, pay your debt to her and tell her that you really regret what you did, that you will search therapy to become a better communicator. Her unhappiness is something she unfortunately has to work on herself as that goes a lot deeper than your actions alone, believe me on this one.

I really advice you to search for therapy to work on your communication-skills and your anger.

Have a healthy and happy 2015
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Old 31st December 2014, 12:22 PM   #11
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Wait...wait...She has been seeing this other guy (but it's more friendly). Yeah, dude? that's friends with benefits. All the while keeping you on the hook. You go see her and discover that she's been sending naked pics to this guy and you got a little crazy. But, YOUR the bad guy in all of this? She's been screwing some other dude and keeping you as the back up plan and now YOUR to blame for everything? She wants her cake and eat it too. She's got you to take care of her emotional needs and she's got this "friend" to take care of her physical needs. She's got the best of both worlds! But, how is that fair to you?


Dude, let this one go! There are plenty of girls out there that want to be exclusive with just one guy. Stop playing her games. She wants to "help" you as a friend.....dude, that's more of the same. She wants you to continue to fill that emotional need. Have you still communicating with her and trying your best to get her back by telling her she's awesome and beautiful and being that shoulder to cry on and to unload on you. All the while, doing it from this guys bed.


So, you did something stupid. Love makes us do stupid things. But, lets be honest, you could have done worse things than have her believe that you "found" those pics. She's making you out to be the bad guy so that she doesn't have to feel guilty about what she's doing with this other dude. "I wouldn't be here with this other dude if he didn't betray my trust." News flash! She was ALREADY doing that, now she doesn't have to feel guilty about it.


Dude, I think you got a little more self respect than this! And NO GIRL IS WORTH ENDING YOUR LIFE OVER!!!
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Old 1st January 2015, 4:35 AM   #12
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Hey guys,

thank you for your help...i'm not suicidal anymore...

but i really miss this girl. I've spent every new year with her for the past 6 years and i missed this one cause were not dating anymore ( and she lives in another country now).

anyhow, i messaged her last night to wish her a happy new year, but i only got a cold "same to you" reply. then, under severe intoxication i asked if could call her to which she gave a blatant "no". all i wanted to do was to explain to her why i did it so i messaged her to say that i really wanted her back and was severely hurt and jealous of the fact that a stranger had prized her away from me.

i cant spend a moment without thinking about her. and the more the days pass by, i have to consign myself to the fact that i have truly lost her.

i dont want to date anyone cause i will be totally incapable to give them the love and trust in the relationship that they deserve. moreover, i cant go down the route shes taken cause i dont believe in sleeping with someone just for the heck of it.

so basically all i have is her and i've lost her.

please tell me how to overcome this ??
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Old 1st January 2015, 7:20 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cheacko View Post
i dont want to date anyone cause i will be totally incapable to give them the love and trust in the relationship that they deserve. moreover, i cant go down the route shes taken cause i dont believe in sleeping with someone just for the heck of it.

so basically all i have is her and i've lost her.

please tell me how to overcome this ??
I understand you, but you have no choice, this is it. So that means you have to do everything to get used to this reality. Put everything that reminds you of her out of side and if you are not capable of not reaching out to her, you have to delete the ways you can contact her. Next you have to give yourself a lot of time, these feelings wont be magically fixed. Also do not fool yourself, as acceptance usually comes and goes before it stays.
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Old 1st January 2015, 8:41 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cheacko View Post
hey guys,

never thought i would be writing here.. but i guess we all surprise ourselves once in a while right?

so i need your help to make me understand this situation im in.

my ex and i started dating 5 years back and we were very close to each other, to the extent that we almost had no other friends.
last year, she moved to another country because of her job, and that left me heartbroken. a few months later she said that she wanted to break up, cause she wanted to live her life and explore other opportunities. i cried and tried to convince her not to....and we ended up getting back together 6 months later.

a few months back, i entered that exact same phase, and did the same thing to her not realizing that she was even more in love with me at this point and didn't want to break up at all. she remained depressed for a while, and we kept talking on & off, until suddenly she suddenly stopped calling me.

at this point i realized what a grave mistake i had made... and called her a few times to see if she was ready to give us a second chance...if not now but at least in the near future. she told me that she had nothing to do with me and everything was over between us, cause she had lost all faith in me.

a few weeks later i flew down to her country only to stumble across her phone which had a messages from a random friend of hers. the messages had a few dirty pictures of hers ( although no one could make out they were hers as she wasnt showing her face in any of them).
i dont know what happened to me at this point, i sent those pics to my phone and created this whole story of how i found these pictures on a random porn site a few days later. she was very upset as she thought that someone had hacked her phone. i was basically doing all this just to make her throw this random guy and confide in me once more as this is what i missed most.

she found out what actually happened the next day, and basically told me to never talk to her ever again.

now, i totally agree that what i had done was out of order and i should never be forgiven for it. i know shell never come back to me cause she can never trust me again.

but i really love her. i know some of may say that all that i did doesnt show any love, but i acted out of desperation for her attention.

i need to know your opinion guys....please help....

im suicidal right now. cause ive not only lost the only girl i ever had feelings for, but cause ive lost faith in myself to ever be a good person.
I've also hurt my ex badly. She has also lost faith in me. Though I have to say, I did less than you.

You had your girl back dude, you know that many of us would give their right arm to be in that situation right?

You're looking for a way out of the pain, as am I. The truth is, there is no way out of the pain. The pain that both you and I are experiencing, is there for a reason.

You've got to learn a lesson. You're dependant on a girl to feel good about yourself, as am I. Is that the man she fell in love with? No.

Go and recover that man.

When my ex left me, I also felt suicidal. This was a few days ago. I looked in the mirror and thought, man no wonder she's leaving me. The suicidal feelings were always there, it was a symptom of the same insecurities that she was leaving me for in the first place.

You need to go no contact right now. Forget the 'we're there as friends ' BS. Tell her that you need to work on yourself, and because you love her you have to step away.

Do that and really mean it and you have a small chance of getting her back. Maybe 5-10%. You also have 100% of improving your life.

Im in the same boat, it's hard. But you can start today.
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Old 1st January 2015, 9:38 AM   #15
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One of the most important factors in being mentally and emotionally healthy is having a willingness to face and accept reality as being what it is.

You know what the reality is, and now you have to accept it.
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