Fabpro Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 (edited) Hello, everyone! I just registered here to ask for advice on what can I do or what is happening. Hope to read from some of you. I just turned 27 years old and my gf just turned 24, we've been going out for 2 years now, and we're one of those couples who other people think are "perfect for each other, the ones", we almost never argue, we're both very rational and both of us discuss things instead of feeling aggravated or offended; we discuss jealousy or whatever may rise. We have been on a beautiful, learning and loving process, where we both scream and declare our love to each other constantly, having no bad experiences, ill feelings or degrading us. Problem is...yesterday she just told me she wants to break up. The story is that she has self-steem issues resulting from almost ten years of ungrateful attitudes from her family, she washes dishes, cooks, cleans, etc. etc. and still always ends up being negatively compared to her sister, who does nothing because of a chronic illness, and all criticism goes to my gf, always. She's also unhappy with her job, and does not know what she wants to do in life, where she is going, she doesn't have a lot of friends, even though she is pure of soul and pure charisma. She told me that she doesn't know what to do, she has "no path" and that she need to find it, and that even though she loves me more than she ever thought she could ever love a man, she feels as if she were on my shadow and that she needs to reach out from there on her own, and that even though she realizes she SHOULD be fighting for our couple, that she's selfish and doesn't feel like it. A year ago she had already told me about these feelings, and she went to therapy for a while, but it seems it didn't work http://www.loveshack.org/forums/images/red/smilies/frown.gif After emptying my soul to her, trying to make her see that we both can help each other be stronger and find our paths, together, for I have not found mine yet, without results, I betrayed myself and asked her for a pause, for her to take as much time as she needs to clear her mind but not to give up on us, for I would not. We are going to speak on the first days of January 2015 about what did she find, what changed and what not, and how to proceed. I'm scared beyond belief, because she's the first person to whom I opened my heart, after being afraid of commitment and emotionally sabotaging other relationships, unconsciously. I fully realize that if one person has doubts, the other can't help because it isn't about me or something I may have done, but a personal crisis that need to be solved, and as my family tells me "if she has doubts, let her go, you cannot help her at that and you are well worthy of someone with no doubts about your relationship". In spite of anything, she's one of the best human beings I've ever met and the kindest soul. Shouldn't these traits be worthy to fight for? Shouldn't we all aspire to surround ourselves in life by these people? Should I not fight for her even if she were to finally break up with me? I'm obviously in negation about this, for our lives have been enriched by each other and two days ago she still declared her desire for me and her undying love, claiming unrequested that she had just concluded that she wanted to spend the rest of her life by my side, while bathing me in affection and love. How can all change in one and a half days when both people love each other so?! Can it? Why would she sacrifice the only real support she has, which is me? The only one who truly sees her for what she is and can achievehttp://www.loveshack.org/forums/images/red/smilies/frown.gif Please, someone tell me what you think. Thank you very much. Edited December 24, 2014 by Fabpro Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 I'm sure that something has happened in the last two days. Something she doesn't tell you about. 1. It can be a conversation with someone very close to her. 2. She met another guy in a specific situation and it made her very confused about you. She doesn't want to share it with you because she doesn't want you to get hurt. 3. it can be a trauma or and assault. If I have to guess - It's another guy she met 1-2 weeks ago. While trying to fight her attraction to him by holding you tight and saying that you're the one, she became confused and needs to fix it with apart from you. Don't panic - It's only a guess. Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 Existential crisis = Chad Woodstock I know you want to grant her all the nobility that a good boyfriend should grant a girlfriend he cares about. Trouble is she's probably taken you down a few notches. Now, Chad Woodstock on the other hand. There's a real man. There's always the possibility I'm wrong about this. My ex was about the same age when so many weird, unrelated peripheral issues seemed to be causing her to change her mind. Turns out it was...yep- Chad Woodstock Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 OP, I'm sorry to hear you're in so much pain. You seem very rational and reasonable about the situation, considering how much this must be hurting you. I would wager that she didn't suddenly have doubts within the last two days. I imagine it's been building for a while now. Her declarations of undying love just a few days ago could well have been her trying to minimize or convince herself that she feels a certain way when she doesn't, particularly if this has happened before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fabpro Posted December 24, 2014 Author Share Posted December 24, 2014 Thank you, guys, for your responses. I had considered the possibility of another guy, but I truly believe it's not that, because she was once cheated upon by a previous bf, who left her deeply damaged and scarred, and she always told me that if the case were to arrive, she would tell me for she would never damage somebody the way she was. On early January, we will be speaking face to face again, when she will tell me whether she wants to end the relationship, "take a break" or go back together. Fully aware that this gives her all the decision-making, what should I do? Should I push for the break or just accept whatever may come? I've had the two best years of my life, by her side. I cannot fathom how can she "find her way" without me, when I'd be the one most interested in doing that... Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 When I said "another guy" I didn't mean that she cheated on you. I believe she met someone who made her confused. She remember well her promise never to cheat, That's why she probably wants to end it. Because she doesn't want to cheat. I know i'm saying sharp and cruel words, but I only wish you to be prepared for what could be coming coming next. Please don't agree to any break additional break. it's either a break up or getting back together. A break will only prevent you from moving on while she will be moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fabpro Posted December 24, 2014 Author Share Posted December 24, 2014 Hey, lolablue17, I understand perfectly. I was thinking of Sycamore's post, but wasn't very clear about it. Sorry. I appreciate your kind input and what you said: I should be aware of this possibility and get ready for the worst. Just a thought, even though it may sound corny and delusional, in case of a break-up, do you think that one can truly re-start a healthy relationship, or give it a second chance after a first drift-apart, as some people seemingly do? Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 Existential crisis to me is just another way to say she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. She brought up everything that's going wrong in her life as her reason why she "just can't be in a relationship with anybody right now". Just wish she had the honesty to be straight forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fabpro Posted December 25, 2014 Author Share Posted December 25, 2014 Hello, Elle! Thanks for taking the time here, I appreciate your opinion. I also thought that too at the moment, when she was refusing every effort on my part, but then I got confused thinking that less than two days before, she was still the loving and warm woman I love. What happened? Even if we think that through the last year she has been battling these feelings and self-steem issues, do you think that she can go 180 degrees round in less than two days? Hell, on Saturday we went Skydiving from 13ooo ft. and she jumped off while screaming that she loved me! :S Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 (edited) I'm sorry, this must be terrible hurtful to you. You would obviously try anything within reason to make this work for both of you. Unfortunately, she has expressed herself clearly and wants to break up to find herself outside of this relationship. The more you try to make her stay, the more desperate she will become to get out as she will feel constrained and overwhelmed. I am sure you don't want that either. If you two are as perfect for each other as you seem to feel, then you have to let her go, now, without argument. She may run wild for a while, explore other options, and may come back (if you still want her then), but who knows? A relationship that is perfect for one partner can seem less perfect to the other. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you more than she's loved anyone else; it just means she's not sure that she wants that commitment at the moment. As for the recently declarations of love, I do think people often do this before they break up with someone. It's as if in their minds they are thinking 'this is such a wonderful, kind person, how can I possibly be thinking of breaking up with him/her'. So you get the 'you are so wonderful, responsible, kind, loving' and then they miss out the 'but ...' There's no way round this - painful though it is, you have to set her free. Personally, I would not wait for her to decide now. I would make the decision to break up as, believe me, it's incredibly painful waiting for someone else to shoot you when they have decided they are going to do it anyway. Edited December 25, 2014 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fabpro Posted December 25, 2014 Author Share Posted December 25, 2014 It was tough for me to write this, but I think you're right, even though I would do ANYTHING for her, it would be unfair to keep her by my side feeling like that; unfair to her because I don't want her to suffer and unfair to me, because I don't deserve it. It will perhaps destroy me, but I see what you say, if I don't let her go, I will just damage myself in the process... I will not lie, though, right now, I do have the hope that after the break we may come back together, as Disney as it may sound lol hahaha. It may come to pass, I guess... Just wondering, to anybody that reads this, if she truly needs the space and time alone, why BU, why not ask me for a X months pause? not that it's any better, just wondering about the rationale... Finally, SpiderOwl, you seem to have gone through something like this, may I ask what happened and how did you get through it? Link to post Share on other sites
sober and dry Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 Oh man, I'm sorry but I'm starting to see my own story in yours I really, really hope that I'm wrong man but if you want, read it and see if it fits http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/503604-sober-dry Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fabpro Posted December 26, 2014 Author Share Posted December 26, 2014 Thanks for taking the time to answer and give me your opinion. I do hope too that it will all be for the better. Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 I think you ought to do one big declaration of love... By breaking up with her and telling her that you want to be her man and if she doesn't know for sure that she wants to be your woman then you're going to find someone who values you. Tell her not to contact you about anything other than reconciliation which you will CONSIDER and that you will be moving on full speed ahead, goodbye. Link to post Share on other sites
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