Still obsessed with my ex-girlfriend after 3 years :(

[santac]

Hello everyone. I'm a spanish boy, 22 years old. Please, forgive my english, I know it's far from perfect.

 

I decided to register and share my history since I can't sleep this night: it is one of those nights when my chest really hurts and I feel like crying. As you can imagine, this is not a normal situation... 3 years is a lot of time and I still have these hard feelings for her.

 

I met her at my first year in college. I study Medicine, it's a really hard career and I'm doing bad cause this depression I have. I was a strange boy. [I had very bad school years (verbal bullying). Many people wanted me to feel ugly. They told me everyday how disgusting I was.

 

However, I made many friends and I never was a lonely boy. But those years really ****ed up my personality, probably forever. So, when I finally left school, I hadn't had my first kiss. No girl would ever like me. I wouldn't even try. I felt disgusting. But this girl appeared... a beautiful big blue-eyed, snow-white skin, dark hair and a big beautiful smile that showed interest on me. I couldn't believe it. I thought it was a joke and so I told her: you're laughing at me, many girls have already laughed at me. You can't like me.

 

But it was true. She saw in me my attractive points: I play the e-guitar, I have mysterious eyes (many people say they are angry eyes... I'm not really angry, they are just very hard looking for some reason... they are not beautiful in my opinion, but she saw something in them), I was a good student (so she was, you need high school marks to study Medicine).

 

So, it happened. That 27th december I won't ever forget. We had a date. The first time I kissed a girl (she kissed me, I was a stupid akward boy then), the first time I saw a woman nude (ofc I mean in reality, not on internet lol) well, everything was beautiful. We didn't do love (she was a virgin, YES! a beautiful girl, 18 years old, virgin? believe it... and wanted to lost it with me the on the first date) but I wouldn't get hard after drinking too much (we decided to drink that night).

 

So we started our relationship. The first 2 months were incredible for me. Time passed so slow. Really, I could feel every day, as a beautiful incredible day. Every hour, every second. She was in love, so I was. But things got bad very soon.

 

As I said, I was a very unconfident boy. I never liked myself. I felt ugly whenever I saw my face in the mirror. She slowly noticed I didn't have selfsteem, and I think that was the trigger for what happened next. She wanted to have a deep talk with me, on early March (2-3 months of relationship). She simply said this: "You think you got me easy. But I'm no easy girl. You need to do more efforts in this relationship if you want it to last". I was being nice to her, as I always am. But I started giving her more gifts and that kind of ****. Anyway, things were never the same. We kissed only when she wanted, sex (oral sex... not more. It was the greatest thing for me after my awful life before so I didn't complain). I never had any control.

 

She probably got tired, because she called me few weeks later and told me she needed some time. I thought it was OK. It was beautiful, I had new experiences, she doesnt want to continue? OK... I'm not that sad. I can let her go.

 

BUT NO. It wasn't the end. We were going to the same class after all. Everything continued the same. She wanted to stay with me almost all the time (she had little to no friends those theys ago, I was the one she wanted to spend time with). She kissed me many times. We still had that kind of sex. Whenever I asked her if she was still my girlfriend, sometimes she would reply yes, sometimes she would reply I'm not sure. I felt like everything was the same so I called it a relationship. She never (or almost never) called it a relationship IN FRONT of other people. Whenever she was with me, she would accept it. Yeah I know what you are thinking... I'm pitiful and she didn't like me, just using me.

 

Because she was using me. I was her taxi 24/7. I would use my scooter everyday to go to College with her. I would bring her whenever she wanted. I would be there whenever she felt lonely (oh man... she ALWAYS felt lonely. And cried a lot. She really liked to cry. Those beautiful eyes had tears almost every day). I know she felt lonely, coz she didn't really like me...

 

So the time passed. I was kinda happy. I always thought no girl in the world would like me, and this one was specially beautiful. I would do whatever to stay with her. I would bring her with my friends so she didn't feel lonely.

 

But yeah, some months later, I discovered it. She was cheating on me. When I realized, she had cheated for 1 month already. It was that painful, 7th August. She was cheating with one of my best friends. Thats how it ended. We were only "together" for 7-8 months (she would never fully accept it was more than 3 months, even when she sticked to me 24/7 as always for 8 months).

 

I felt like ****. My chest was burning and I couldn't help saying insults. I called her a bitch. She never gave me gifts (only those 2 first beautiful months), she never cared how I really felt, I had to deal with her crying everyday... and that's how I'm paid. With a coward cheating that I had to discover myself.

 

She tried to calm me down with some false words, but I couldn't help. I called her a bitch. That turned her into a monster: showed her real face and told me everything she knew would hurt me: you're ugly, this new guy is so much hotter, you don't deserve me you weirdo...

 

She blocked me from every social red, included whatsapp. I tried to talk with her, but the chat always ended in insults.

 

What hurted me the most, she lost her virginity to that guy while the cheating month. She obviously started a new relationship with him, that lasted 1 year, after he dumped her. She has moved on easily and she had 2 or 3 new boyfriends... she always seems happy.

 

 

 

 

I'm not that pitiful guy anymore (well, NOT SO PITIFUL). I realized I wasn't really ugly, and had some things done to myself, like correcting my teeth, that have made me way more handsome. I have had at least 2 new "girlfriends", but I NEVER felt real love. Not that love. I have thought of my first girlfriend EVERY SINGLE DAY... I don't know why. I've lost my virginity, I've f**ked with these new girls a lot of times, but I still remember my first girlfriend every single day...

 

I've changed, I know how to deal with women, I feel way more attractive, I'm not scared of the things I used to be scared of. But somehow, I still can't get over her. I think it's the fact she cheated me with my exfriend and that I couldn't f**k her. I know I'm saying pitiful things. I'm sorry, this is how I feel. I can't get over it.

 

I've been to the doctor. To the psychiatrist. I've been using Prozac and other SSRI with little help. They killed my libido, but didn't really kill this awful pain in my chest. I stopped using them, even when I was told not to, some months ago.

 

I don't really see my ex. We were in the same class, but I started failing my tests. This depression almost killed my career. I'm still fighting in 3rd year while she is in 5th year, so I haven't seen her in 2 years. However I have stalked her Facebook, Instagram, Twitter... Thats how I know things about her. I know this is a terrible thing to do: trust me, I've been more than 1 years without stalking ANYTHING and the pain wouldn't go away.

 

I think, after these 3 years, that I have to do something different to heal myself. I thought about talking with her. She probably forgot me long ago. I have changed so much in every way, that she might even not recognize me. I thought that maybe if we had a talk, and I forgive her, the pain will go away. She has a boyfriend right now (she is never alone, is that kind of girl). I'm not really trying to bring her back, I think that's impossible after the fight we had 3 years ago, even if she might had forgotten everything.

 

I can't take out of my head this idea. If I could have sex with her, only 1 time, it would heal all my pain forever. I'm 100% sure of it. If I could start a friendship and, one of these days, something happened...

 

I know you're thinking I'm ****ing crazy. That I need medical help. I study medicine myself and went already to the doctor, I know I'm crazy... Nobody knows this inner pain anyway. I only do. It has gotten better, some nights I don't even care, some other nights I can't sleep. But it's far from dissapearing. I feel time passing very fast, this 3 years were like 3 months to me... I'm trying to do new things, gym and all that ****, I hope it helps, aswell as studying harder and not failing anymore, but I can't take this idea out of my head. I really want to talk to her. I want to show her that I'm a new person, in many ways. Girls now find me attractive, I feel way more confident on everything... But I can't get over her.

 

I'm really sorry... I know this is a long history and probably is not even a painful one for most of you. But this still hurts like hell nights like this. I would like to hear your opinion. Will talking to her help in some way? She doesn't know a thing about me for 3 years... I've changed physically and mentally. I think that, even hearing hard things from her (things like: I ****ed that guy, I still think you're a bad person because you called me a bitch...) I could stand it. It can't get worse than this, after 3 years. Thats what I think.

 

I know reading this you will think I've not changed at all. I still have feelings for her, I'm still pitiful. That might be true, but I really really was a weird nerdy boy before, and now I am able to flirt and I'm confident with my look.

 

I don't want vengeance.. I don't think thats the word, really...

 

So sorry again and thanks everybody who read me. I will be around here, answering any questions you have. Thank you.

Edited December 22, 2014 by santac

[d0nnivain]

Your English is fine. Your self confidence is the pits.

 

 

You say you are in Medicine. Use that to your advantage. Put aside the macho BS & get some therapy. It is not healthy to be this hung up 3 years later.

 

 

Yes, she was your 1st real GF. She was proof that your childhood bullies were wrong. She will always hold a special place in your heart but that doesn't mean you are stuck. It's time to move forward.

[Satu]

Most of this is about how you feel about yourself, rather than how she feels about you.

 

Low self esteem, poor self image.

 

These feelings go back to long before you ever met her.

 

Have some therapy to untangle things for yourself.

 

Then you can probably find some peace inside yourself.

 

Good luck.

[santac]

Thank you very much. Yes, I admit it, I probably still have low self-steem, even if many things changed in my mind.

 

Seriously, I feel disgusting reading myself. I sound like a 15 years old teen... I don't know why it hurts me so much, it's just sex with a woman, I know there are 3.000.000 woman in the world... If I could just accept the fact that you lose sometimes... But my pride is still so damaged, I thought it would heal but I still thinking the way to heal it... . First world problems, I know... I'm a disgusting, bad person...

 

I'm returning to the psychiatrist and trying to focus in myself. Studying and gym.

 

Just one question... my heart is really telling me to talk to her... maybe not now, maybe just before the career ends for her (it's 6 years, she is doing 5th year right now as I said...). I hope this feeling dissapears with time, but right now, I feel like talking to her. I don't know what I want from her. I said one last time real sex with her would heal me, I belive it's true, but I also believe that's impossible. I have idealized her for so long now, and I think it is because I tried to avoid her in classes. Maybe if I could talk with her, one last time, when I feel a bit better, I would erase that idealized image of her in my mind...

 

Thanks for saying my english is fine. As long as you can understand me I guess it's doing its job

Edited December 22, 2014 by santac

[d0nnivain]

I'm returning to the psychiatrist and trying to focus in myself. Studying and gym.

 

Thanks for saying my english is fine. As long as you can understand me I guess it's doing its job

 

Believe me I could never say as much as you did in another language. I can manage to order food & find my away around in French & Spanish but never to express myself. Chalk up the fact that you are bilingual as one of your strengths & accomplishments.

 

I'm glad you are getting help. A good therapist can make a world of difference.

 

As for the self esteem over the next few days especially if you are with supportive people for the holidays, start a list of all your good qualities / accomplishments / things to be proud of. I'll get you started:

 

1. bilingual

 

2. smart -- you got into medical school

 

3. self aware -- you know hanging on to her is bad for you & you are taking steps to overcome that.

 

Now you keep going.

 

Part of your New Year's resolution ought to be to be nicer to yourself. It really helps.

[santac]

Thank you for your kind words.

 

I know hanging on to my ex is bad for me, sure, but the main problem is... it's been 3 long years. I really tried to believe that no-contact would heal me, but after 1 year of TRUE no contact (I didn't even see her at college...) I still feel the same whenever her name comes to topic. I'm always afraid of meeting her at college, I think this was the main problem of my failed tests; I tried to avoid classes just because she was there.

 

My psychiatrist told me once... You can think about your ex as an allergic reaction. It hurts you to see her, but eventually you will feel comfortable, just like the body can get used to some allergens by exposure. I only wish I had been braver years ago... Now I feel like I'm stuck at the same point where everything about my ex brings back the pain in my chest.

 

I stalked her instagram yesterday, when I was very anxious and I wrote this topic. She has hundreds of photos, with hundreds of likes, everybody complimenting her about her eyes... meh. But somehow, I think it will hurt way less if I meet her by chance in college. Because I've been exposed.

 

Breaking the no contact is forbbiden in most cases, I know. But maybe I did the right thing yesterday. I dunno... sry I feel so ashamed to be in this situation 3 years after...

 

I'm going to full focus on myself, I promise. I know that's the main idea.

Edited December 22, 2014 by santac

[Satu]

Thank you very much. Yes, I admit it, I probably still have low self-steem, even if many things changed in my mind.

 

Seriously, I feel disgusting reading myself. I sound like a 15 years old teen... I don't know why it hurts me so much, it's just sex with a woman, I know there are 3.000.000 woman in the world... If I could just accept the fact that you lose sometimes... But my pride is still so damaged, I thought it would heal but I still thinking the way to heal it... . First world problems, I know... I'm a disgusting, bad person...

 

I'm returning to the psychiatrist and trying to focus in myself. Studying and gym.

 

Just one question... my heart is really telling me to talk to her... maybe not now, maybe just before the career ends for her (it's 6 years, she is doing 5th year right now as I said...). I hope this feeling dissapears with time, but right now, I feel like talking to her. I don't know what I want from her. I said one last time real sex with her would heal me, I belive it's true, but I also believe that's impossible. I have idealized her for so long now, and I think it is because I tried to avoid her in classes. Maybe if I could talk with her, one last time, when I feel a bit better, I would erase that idealized image of her in my mind...

 

Thanks for saying my english is fine. As long as you can understand me I guess it's doing its job

 

It's not about her. It's about you and the way you feel about yourself. She is not making you feel the way you feel. You are.

 

You are projecting huge parts of your psyche onto her.

 

That's why you're stuck.

Edited December 22, 2014 by Satu

[santac]

It's not about her. It's about you and the way you feel about yourself. She is not making you feel the way you feel. You are.

 

You are projecting huge parts of your psyche onto her.

 

That's why you're stuck.

 

True that... and because of thinking about my ex, I started failing tests, not doing sport, not enjoying hanging out with friends (at the early months this was a real problem, because that guy she cheated me with was a very close friend from my circle).

 

Now it's... like I'm blaming her for my own disaster life. I have been focusing 100% on meeting other girls, tried new relationships, all with the hope of filling this void in my heart.

 

But now the hole is bigger. Because I realize how much I destroyed my life, even if I learned a lot of things these years. I see my ex and her perfect life (yeah, I know everyone has perfect life on social webs) and I will start getting this dark feelings all over again.

 

So, basically, I will try my best to focus only on me. No more girls (at least, I won't search for them), just studying (this is probably the main problem of my depression now), sport, guitar and friends. I'm starting again my medication, escitalopram (lexapro/cipralex). I was supossed to be taking it for 4 months now, but I stopped after the first and a half month. Probably not enough time for a drug like this.

 

I guess there's nothing more that can be said... I had this weird idea of having sex with my ex someday, but having the fact that she hated me, thats highly unlikely and maybe I will end more damaged if she wanted to laugh at me or something.

 

I get the idea. The problem is me, not her. I have been in this stage many times. But I think I never did the right things to change myself. I will try my best.

 

Sorry again and thanks for reading me, you all are beautiful people. I really want to help others as well, when I get over this. Thank you

[Satu]

True that... and because of thinking about my ex, I started failing tests, not doing sport, not enjoying hanging out with friends (at the early months this was a real problem, because that guy she cheated me with was a very close friend from my circle).

 

Now it's... like I'm blaming her for my own disaster life. I have been focusing 100% on meeting other girls, tried new relationships, all with the hope of filling this void in my heart.

 

But now the hole is bigger. Because I realize how much I destroyed my life, even if I learned a lot of things these years. I see my ex and her perfect life (yeah, I know everyone has perfect life on social webs) and I will start getting this dark feelings all over again.

 

So, basically, I will try my best to focus only on me. No more girls (at least, I won't search for them), just studying (this is probably the main problem of my depression now), sport, guitar and friends. I'm starting again my medication, escitalopram (lexapro/cipralex). I was supossed to be taking it for 4 months now, but I stopped after the first and a half month. Probably not enough time for a drug like this.

 

I guess there's nothing more that can be said... I had this weird idea of having sex with my ex someday, but having the fact that she hated me, thats highly unlikely and maybe I will end more damaged if she wanted to laugh at me or something.

 

I get the idea. The problem is me, not her. I have been in this stage many times. But I think I never did the right things to change myself. I will try my best.

 

Sorry again and thanks for reading me, you all are beautiful people. I really want to help others as well, when I get over this. Thank you

 

What I think you are doing is projecting your disowned positive feelings about yourself onto her, whilst owning and keeping your self-dislike for yourself.

 

Your idealisation of her is no more realistic than your negative view of yourself.

 

She is not as beautiful as you think, and you are not as ugly as you think.

 

I can see a lot of 'splitting' in your thinking.

 

You can address that in therapy.

 

The other thing I see is the 'projection of hope'.

 

Your thinking about putting yourself in order by having sex with this girl, is a very clear example of the projection of hope.

 

It wouldn't work.

 

That can also be addressed in therapy.

 

Thoughts are behaviour.

 

Change your thinking behaviours, and your life will improve.

 

Good luck.

Edited December 22, 2014 by Satu

[santac]

What I think you are doing is projecting your disowned positive feelings about yourself onto her, whilst owning and keeping your self-dislike for yourself.

 

Your idealisation of her is no more realistic than your negative view of yourself.

 

She is not as beautiful as you think, and you are not as ugly as you think.

 

I can see a lot of 'splitting' in your thinking.

 

You can address that in therapy.

 

The other thing I see is the 'projection of hope'.

 

Your thinking about putting yourself in order by having sex with this girl, is a very clear example of the projection of hope.

 

It wouldn't work.

 

That can also be addressed in therapy.

 

Thoughts are behaviour.

 

Change your thinking behaviours, and your life will improve.

 

Good luck.

 

I believe you are 100% right... I should see in her the negative things, like she is a cheater +and probably will be forever), she played with me for several months knowing.I was still

in love, she has few friends for a reason (people notice she is pretty toxic). And yeah, she is.no physically perfect, nobody is. She has a pretty face but thats all, not an explosive

body.

 

Im projecting all my healing hopes on her and that makes me.anxious as time passes and she is further and further.

 

How to change my thinking? i have already a psychiatrist, and

.im.starting escitalopram again. That should help with anxiety (pain in the chest). Should I goalso go tp therapy and talk about this?

[mtnbiker3000]

Read: No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover

 

Also, it's quite obvious that your issues go beyond this break up (or other person). As others have mentioned, you need to address your own issues of value, self-worth and self-esteem. For whatever reason, they have not developed properly.

[santac]

Read: No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover

 

Also, it's quite obvious that your issues go beyond this break up (or other person). As others have mentioned, you need to address your own issues of value, self-worth and self-esteem. For whatever reason, they have not developed properly.

 

The reason is bullying in my school years. Not physycal bullying but verbal, I was insulted every day.

 

Breaking up with my ex was like bringing to surface all the pain in my school years. I still don't love me 100%, I recognize. Even if now I can talk and flirt with other girls, thanks to my ex, I guess it is this feeling of inferiority towards my ex that is killing me.

 

Thank you, I will search for that book.

[Jimmyjackson]

Just found the PDF to that book someone mentioned.

 

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

[santac]

Just found the PDF to that book someone mentioned.

 

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

 

thank you

[Jimmyjackson]

Also, if you're feeling low on confidence read 'The Game' by Neil Strauss.

 

I wouldn't take the book too literal and use the techniques they use in it, but it explains a lot on how to be attractive without being attractive (I'm not saying you're ugly or anything). But the book is interesting and can help you understand the female mind and give you little tips.

[d0nnivain]

Disconnected yourself for all social media attached to her. That is why you aren't over her because you are doing things like stalking her on Instagram which cause the wound to continue to fester.

 

Think of your break up as a wound that needs to scab to heal. Every time you pick at the scab, it bleeds all over again & never heals correctly. Same concept. Stop picking & your emotional scab & eventually when you stop causing yourself to re-bleed you will heal.

[mtnbiker3000]

The reason is bullying in my school years. Not physycal bullying but verbal, I was insulted every day.

 

Breaking up with my ex was like bringing to surface all the pain in my school years. I still don't love me 100%, I recognize. Even if now I can talk and flirt with other girls, thanks to my ex, I guess it is this feeling of inferiority towards my ex that is killing me.

 

What about your parents? You also might want to check out Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I have discovered that my father played a major role in my poor development of self-esteem and self-worth.

[santac]

Disconnected yourself for all social media attached to her. That is why you aren't over her because you are doing things like stalking her on Instagram which cause the wound to continue to fester.

 

Think of your break up as a wound that needs to scab to heal. Every time you pick at the scab, it bleeds all over again & never heals correctly. Same concept. Stop picking & your emotional scab & eventually when you stop causing yourself to re-bleed you will heal.

 

Yeah, I know this is a basic rule when breaking up, but I stopped all contact from 2013 to 2014 and I still felt bad, whenever she was around my chest would hurt again and I wouldnt stop staring at her...

 

The good thing is she will leave the city, like most of us do, when finishing the career. But this makes me feel bad too, because deep in my heart I still have the hope of talking to.her someday

 

yes, I wont ever check her social media. No good idea.

[santac]

What about your parents? You also might want to check out Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I have discovered that my father played a major role in my poor development of self-esteem and self-worth.

 

My parents are great. They were never toxic. Its just that they didnt know how to help me. All they told me was not to listen to the insults... But that made things worse many times.

 

Ita not their fault, my parents are angels. My experience will help my future children (if I have) so they wont be bullied.

[Kitty4]

I don't know how to help you, only mental health proffesionals can do that. But reading your post made me realize that Im not alone in this. I'm in a similar situtation, but it has only been 2 months for me after the break up. I just wanted to thank you for posting this because it made me realize how much I need psychotherapy, i just started prozac but I don't think that only these pills can help me get over this obsession and depression. You should do the same.

 

Hope one day we will get over our obsession.

Good luck!

[Gloria25]

I think you should do everything to get back with your ex....

 

Three years have gone by, you've gone to doctors and nothing works.

 

This is like a parent catching their kids smoking a cig and give them a whole pack to smoke w/o stopping.

 

You're not gonna "get it" till you get back with her. I suggest you get back with her.

 

Best therapy, all for free **thank you**

[erklat]

What about your parents? You also might want to check out Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I have discovered that my father played a major role in my poor development of self-esteem and self-worth.

 

Did you write here about it? I recognized myself in this so I'm interested in your

Experience.

[santac]

I don't know how to help you, only mental health proffesionals can do that. But reading your post made me realize that Im not alone in this. I'm in a similar situtation, but it has only been 2 months for me after the break up. I just wanted to thank you for posting this because it made me realize how much I need psychotherapy, i just started prozac but I don't think that only these pills can help me get over this obsession and depression. You should do the same.

 

Hope one day we will get over our obsession.

Good luck!

 

Thanks for your advice. The pills can do big part of the job, but I guess I should find some psychotherapy too.

 

Anyway, 2 months is a poor amount of time... If your ez is not at your college/workplace it should be easy to move on. My problem is that she cheated with a close friend and she went to my class... I was so surrounded. Now she is npt qith that guay anymore and I failed so much that Im not in her class, but I still miss her somehow and I need to take away the idea of talking with her someday..

[santac]

I think you should do everything to get back with your ex....

 

Three years have gone by, you've gone to doctors and nothing works.

 

This is like a parent catching their kids smoking a cig and give them a whole pack to smoke w/o stopping.

 

You're not gonna "get it" till you get back with her. I suggest you get back with her.

 

Best therapy, all for free **thank you**

 

Thanks for your point of view Gloria.I really like it because my heart tells me thesame, but I know it's almost impossible. We ended very badly, we threw insults to each other... She probably forgot everything but I didnt. As long as I idealize her or see her as my last hope, shes not gonna come.back.

 

 

Maybe, if I feel better, when I have passed my college tests, been for a time at the gym, experience some adventure (im going with my class to Riviera Maya on April, my ex is not going)... In definitly, if I get real self-steem and confidence... Would listening to my heart and talk to her be a possibility?

 

Right now, this isn't a real possibility. My chest hurts if she's near. If I really could make me a better person... I would like to try.

 

I'm WAY MORE handsome now than 3 years ago. Many people didn't recognize me at first. It's my mind that hasn't changed enough...

 

But, again, im projecting hopes on her and that's so negative for my healing...

 

But it's something I'd really like to try. If in 2015 I become a better person... May I talk to her and see what happens?` Knowing shes gonna leave someday it's killing me. I know thats the best for me in order to heal and forget her forever. But maybe this hole in my heart won't ever close if I don't go and talk with her.

Edited December 24, 2014 by santac

[mtnbiker3000]

Did you write here about it? I recognized myself in this so I'm interested in your

Experience.

 

Probably. Can't remember what all I've written about in the last 2 years on here . I do suggest the book though. It helped me realize a ton of things. Now, working through all of this has proved a more difficult challenge. But at least I've been able to pinpoint and remove a major source of my problems...