what do I say to him, urgent! critical moment!

[Lostrabbit]

This was my story a 2weeks ago- My boyfriend of 2 1/2 year (lived together for 2) ended things with me Last week. He had said he was unsure about things and that he just wasn't feeling it and isn't sure if he ever loved me. but it has since come out that he has been texting another girl and 2 days before he broke up with me he spent the night with her and I have now found out they are already seeing each other. I thought he was my soul mate we were happy and shared lots and I don't understand why has done this. I went to my mums to try and calm down as I was in shock as I went to my mums he went to hers. while I was away he moved out and has said he doesn't want contact. He's since arranging dates with her and I just can,t accept it. He's completely cut me off and I sit in our house on my own. I just can,t believe how cold he has been and how he just entered it and is carrying on as though the last two years have meant nothing. I'm spiraling, I know I am powerless as I can't change his mind, but ever fibre of my being is telling me to fight and not let this happen! I don't know how to accept it, I have read lots of advice but I just can't accept it it's wrong, I have never felt this so much about anything. It's gutting because in our entire time together he has been loving sweet and caring and we still shared lots of intamacy and affection. It's so out of character I feel as though he must of suffered some kind of mental break as I never thought he was capable of doing this to anyone. I am in so much pain and I can't think of anything but him, I can't sleep or eat and i can't let go. I need some advice.

 

I am now calmer although still don't understand- my brain ticks back to things he said in the weeks before he broke up with me about loving me and wanting to be with me. The more I think (which I know is pointless and I shouldn't the more I see holes in things he has done, (he once told me the girl he is now with reminded me him of me) he is acting completely out of character in many ways, non of my/our/his friends and family can believe it or saw it coming, they can't understand it either? He contacted me at the weekend and is cominging round tomorrow to talk. I don't know what to say to him- I've read all the advice about acting happy and confident to let him see the old me but there are things I'm burning to ask him about but I doubt it will help. What do I do how do you tell to him, as the person who knows him best, about what he 's doing and why.

[Halcyon]

Quite simple really, he cheated on you and a cheater is not worth your bloody time because you have more self respect than to be with someone who doesn't respect you.

 

I know this is hard to accept but cheating is a very cruel and self centred act. It requires a special kind of callousness and cowardice to do. Do not make excuses for his actions he did not have a "mental break down" he just decided he doesn't give a dam about your feelings or how this will make you feel. His priority was him and getting some instant gratification.

 

I would not be talking to him at this point, nothing can be salvaged he has broken your trust and nothing healthy can come from people who don't trust each other. There is nothing left to fight for he has made this choice, if he was to come back it would be because his new fling hasn't worked out and you are his second choice, his safety blanket. Do you really want to be someone's second choice? of course you don't, you want and deserve to be someone's number one. So please don't settle for that and hold your head high, cut contact with this creep and take the first step towards healing.

 

Please don't agree to talk to him it's not going to be for your benefit. It will be because he is feeling like a sack of **** and wants to relieve his guilt so he can move on easier.

Edited December 17, 2014 by Halcyon

[KBarletta]

What do I do how do you tell to him, as the person who knows him best, about what he 's doing and why.

 

 

Anything you say to either argue with him or try to get him back will only push him further away and into the other woman's arms, in my opinion.

 

I would try to get his reasons for leaving and ask him to be honest. At the very least, it may help you down the road either with him or whoever comes after him.

 

I would try not to be hostile, try not to beg or convince him not to go, not to argue, just try to understand why. Personally, I think that has the most long-term benefits.

 

And afterwards, I would recommend going to no contact.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[Limbo21]

Hi. I'm very sorry to hear about ur pain but ur in the best place to seek advice from ppl who have all been through this intensely upsetting time

 

I dunno where to start but what ur feelin now is raw shock. But beyond that, when all feelings have simmered down ur left with a desicion about urself. This guy has treated u with no respect at all. Ziltch. Nada. Zero. If he was unhappy he should have expressed this before sleepin wth another.

 

U deserve so much better than that. Anger is ur friend, use it to ur advantage. U don't need this guy. U deserve a man who loves u. Adores U. Cherishes u. He doesn't. Keep reading on here & posting ur thoughts.

 

Take care & remember we're all here for u

[d0nnivain]

Sadly, he is never going to answer all the burning Qs you have. That kind of closure is myth.

 

I recommend the following: buy a dart board, a bottle of wine & your favorite chocolate. Blast Love Hurts & all of your other favorite break up songs. Tape a picture of his face to the dart board. Eat chocolate, drink wine & throw darts until you obliterate his face. This can be done with your BFF or any supportive person in your life.

[Lostrabbit]

Thanks for the responses I know you are all probably right and I do have moments when I agree, but then others I just miss him

I will have to speak to him at some point as we still have a joint lease on a place (although he's moved ou to a friends) so there's still stuff to sort out. It's just feels really crappy as most of you know.

[Satu]

Thanks for the responses I know you are all probably right and I do have moments when I agree, but then others I just miss him

I will have to speak to him at some point as we still have a joint lease on a place (although he's moved ou to a friends) so there's still stuff to sort out. It's just feels really crappy as most of you know.

 

1. You're still in crisis - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Tell yourself that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. Thats not easy, but it helps.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.

[d0nnivain]

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. Thats not easy, but it helps.

 

Satu makes some great suggestions but fix the lease issue & any other financial matters before NC.

[Elle1975]

Thanks for the responses I know you are all probably right and I do have moments when I agree, but then others I just miss him

I will have to speak to him at some point as we still have a joint lease on a place (although he's moved ou to a friends) so there's still stuff to sort out. It's just feels really crappy as most of you know.

 

The lease is what jumps at me.. He legally owes you half the rent. Since he cheated on you, I wouldn't be agreeable about it, nor confrontational; I would just ask for half the rent till the lease is up.

 

Begging, crying, etc.. won't bring him back. I'd remain civil, but detached. If I had to give my old self an advice, that'd be it.

 

Nobody can believe it because it probably has been going on for a while. It didn't "just" happened.

 

When he shows up, I'd ask him what he wants to talk about. That might seem obvious, but it might simply be the lease situation that he has in mind, and not your feelings.

 

Again, I'd remain civil, but I certainly wouldn't act all happy, like nothing happened, as something DID happen. He broke your heart, stepped on it, and left it there for you to pick up the pieces.

[Sundark]

I'm going through something similar. I was with my ex for 3 years, the last year of those we lived together. Our lease ended last month and our relationship ended with it as well. Admittedly, I broke up with her that time. 2 Weeks later I went back to her though and she was so happy as was I. It was less than a week together. Passionate sex almost every night though. About 6 or so days back into the relationship she calls me out of the blue and breaks it off. She had sex with some other guy. She is also now going on dates with different guys (and this is after she told me she didn't want a relationship) and wants nothing to do with me. It's like she just flipped a switch and went from loving to hating me. That's emotionally crippling. Being with someone for years, as a team. Living together. Sharing things together. Then it's suddenly and painfully ripped away.

 

I had an intense 3-day grieving period where I was acting immature, self-destructive (alcohol & pills) and trying to get her back. After coming here I realize I did absolutely everything wrong right off the bat. I came across this site yesterday and reading the NC Guide and the stories of others has helped. I've already over-analyzed what led to this and trying to understand why she did this (which I can't). I wrote my story here and it helped. Writing helps me in general.

 

I now realize we are done for good. So I've decided to use this as a lesson, but remember her by the good memories we had and understand that is in the past. Good memories, but it's time to move on. I have to keep going for myself. I can't stop for someone who doesn't want to be around anymore. Take in what Satu said. I'm sorry you still have to deal with the lease.

Edited December 18, 2014 by Sundark

[EgoJoe]

Read my thread, "She cheated and I left." You are not alone.

 

 

You can find it by clicking on my username and going to threads started.

 

 

There are no answers to be had. You will experience defense mechanisms at the least and rage at the most.

 

 

Perspective will eventually come.

Edited December 18, 2014 by EgoJoe
phone grammar