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Hi everyone. I'm sure this has been covered a million times or so, but i thought I would share my personal experience in the hope somebody might have some advice/hard truth to share. I am sorry in advance for the length, but I really need to get this out.

 

I met this this woman, lets call her C, In January 2014, 2 months after separating from a bad marriage.

We hit it off instantly, and both were crazy about each other. She really helped me to find the things I love about life again, and I liked to think I did the same for her. I am 35 and she is 38, she lives with her parents after selling her house that she owned with her abusive ex of 10 years.

We spent Friday nights and weekends together, as we both work and live on opposite sides of town. We have taken amazing vacations together, she used to leave me notes around the house saying how much she loved me, and did so many things I have never had in my life before. Our lives were in a word, Amazing. We always talked about everything, and were planning to build a house, and had already started collecting furniture and things to decorate.

Around the end of October this year, i felt something was strange with her, She just seamed "distant" somehow. About this time she had met up with some old friends, one of which was a guy she went through high school with who had recently broken up with his wife, and was having a hard time moving back to NZ from Australia. We have always had excellent communication in our relationship, as we both knew this was a failure in previous ones. I didn't mention I'd noticed the distance in her as I thought I was being paranoid, and when I saw her in person, everything seemed normal.

About three weeks after first noticing, i decided I had to say something. We went out with some work friends of mine and had a great night, but she was exhausted. We went straight to bed on arriving home, and straight to sleep ( which was rare).

The following morning I asked if she was ok and she broke down into tears.

She said she doesn't know. She has lost herself, she doesn't love herself and doesn't know what she wants, she can't be in a relationship right now/. She is constantly stressed at work, her dad is dying from lung cancer, and she is still angry at him for cheating on her mother. She has also always been worried that i wasn't over my ex wife ( believe me, i am) and She just needs some space to figure out what she wants. I immediately freaked, I have heard all these lines before, and I know what they can mean. I did my best to take it well, and told her to do whatever she needs to do, and that I will do whatever I can to help.

She told me I should go and meet other people and not wait for her.

Upon leaving my house, she text me and asked if I still love her, which of course I do.

The following day I was helping a friend with some building, and she text me apologising and saying she had made the worst decision of her life, and could she see me tomorrow, and of course i agreed.

The following day I was excited that everything would be ok, but when she arrived at my place, what she said was a carbon copy of the break up speech from earlier, but also included she's depressed and sad all the time, she doesn't love herself so how can she love someone else, she hasn't had time for her friends, she's worried because she doesn't have kids, and she's worried about menopause and generally getting old. I told her she is not getting anywhere near old, and again that I am here for her and will help any way i can.

 

we stayed in contact and had a lot of messages back and forth, most from her were sorries, i miss you, i love you, and how she did not deserve me and I was the greatest thing that had ever happened to her.

I asked if we could meet up on the weekend and she agreed and suggested we meet at the place we had our first date. We met up, and it seemed like everything was going to be ok, we held hands and cuddled, and i asked if I could kiss her, which I did, and she immediately began to cry. We didn't talk much about us, except for how good things between us had been. There was a big emotional goodbye some 4 hours later and we both went our separate ways. I went out with friends that night and got drunk as best i could. I asked her why she cried when i kissed her, and she said it was because "I miss you and I can't be with you" The next day i went out for a bike ride and ran into her brother. We chatted briefly and when I asked him to look after his sister he said that she's still carrying around 10 years worth of somebody else's **** ( her exes) I went for my ride, and crashed quite badly, mostly due to being hungover, and pretty emotional, and i text her and said i would try not to contact her next week as she needs space, and I do too.

She text me over the next 3 days, The same things as before.

The following weekend I had to help my mum move house. C had already offered to help, which I had refused, but she insisted.

The ride down was full of tears and much of the same conversations. The move went well. That night we shared a motel room. We watched a movie on the couch, and cuddled in bed afterwards.

The next day We drove back to my place, and I brought two boxes of her things she had left at my house to her car. She broke down in tears and said "I can't lose you yet, I will find a way Back. Sorry I am so conflicted."

 

The following week she asked if she could come round for a movie night ( we used to have one most weeks) Just watch a movie and lie together on the couch. I agreed, as the texts between us since the move had seemed more positive and more like normal after the move.

She came round and we watched a movie, Cuddled up on the couch, but then after the movie finished there were more tears and I love you, I'm sorry then she left.

 

I text her later and told her I loved her, but I couldn't go on like this anymore, I didn't know what she wants and she leads me all over the place.

She seemed to take that pretty badly, saying she'd just lost the best thing in her life. This really only confused me further, as she was the dumper in the first place.

I called her the next morning and apologised because I felt terrible, like I was letting her down when she needed my support most.

I asked told her I would ask her five questions, then go away for 2 weeks, then i would ask her again.

 

1) Do you still love me?

2) Are you still in love with me?

3) Do you still see our future together?

4) Do you want me in your life?

5) Will you be my girl again.

 

She said the answer to the first question was yes. But she doesn't know the other answers. I was devastated, but kept it together and told her I would call her in two weeks.

I had a terrible day the following day, and packed the rest of her things in my car to return to her place the next morning. I unloaded the rest of her things and picked up what stuff of mine was at her place. She cried a lot, and said "it feels like it's ending" I explained that nothing was ending, there will always be a space for her with me if she decides that is what she wants.

I also told her I didn't bring all her things back because I want things to be over, I did it because it was the only way I could think to help myself let her go, which was to give her the space she needed. She said she understood, and we kissed and said our goodbyes.

That was a week ago. I did not contact her for the next week. It was incredibly hard, and i cried each night after work for three days, but on the fourth night, i didn't sleep a wink, but in the morning I felt a lot better about things. Like what will happen will happen, but I can't expect anything.

I made it to Yesterday, then I text her. Just to see how she was doing, if she was ok.

She replied saying she was good, when i asked to call as I was driving she refused, saying "I thought we were having a gap, I need this time baby" I said we are having a gap, i was just driving. But this put my mind into a spin. Was there a reason i couldn't call? Other than she was enjoying her time away from me.

 

I guess that's my story, so far, I'm due to call her next Friday (5 Days from now) to ask her those questions again. I'm fairly certain the answer will still be "I don't know" and most people i have talked to agree that I should just walk away if she can't give me a straight answer.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I've been through depression myself, and I know it's a horrible place to be, so trying to make a decision is a stretch. I have also been on the other side, when all those reasons were just to save face when my Ex Wife had met someone else. I don't know what advice I expect to get, if any, but thank you all for letting me get this out.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Jeez, do I hate these kinds of posts. They are just so friggin' sad to read. Buddy, if I had to put money on it, there is another guy in the picture somewhere. It's not for sure, but she is so fresh out of a marriage, she has not really had time to process the loss of it all. Sadly as she starts to process, fun is something she is going to want to do. It goes two ways with women: They either learn about themselves and rebuild healthily, or they go warm the bed with a bunch of different guys looking to feel good about themselves.

 

I've been in two relationships with divorced women, and the one who I found out was cheating on me, is a carbon copy of how your girlfriend is acting. It does *NOT* mean she is and she truly can be confused, but just be prepared.

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Hey thanks for your insights, but it was actually me that was fresh out of the marriage. My marriage had been slowly dying for a year or so before the separation.

My gut keeps telling me there is probably someone else, but my head and my heart wants to say she is genuinely depressed and trying to find herself again.

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Lol! Sorry about that!

 

Still though, even without the marriage situation, it sure does sound like she is in the process of "vine swinging".

 

I feel for you.

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Do you think my questions are too much too soon? Its been 6 weeks and I don't want to just get the run around until she finds another guy.

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My friend I'm basically in the same position as you , you can't keep contacting her , its killing you inside , go one month no contact , minimum enjoy the holidays as best you can , give her the space to see what she is missing and losing out on , if you haven't heard what you want to hear . contuniw the rebuilding of your own life

I was told , I'm the most incredible person , and she might be making the the biggest mistake ever etc etc

I'm not gonna lie I've contacted her last time a couple of days ago we met , we hugged , kissed she instigated it by moving closer to me , OK it was great but 48 he's later I feel sad , so I'm on no contact now she knows where I am when she's ready and I will see where I am

Be yourself for yourself . and good luck

 

And this is another woman different from the one below

So different and that makes it much worse as I know she loves me but can't be with me

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Hey thanks for your insights, but it was actually me that was fresh out of the marriage. My marriage had been slowly dying for a year or so before the separation.

My gut keeps telling me there is probably someone else, but my head and my heart wants to say she is genuinely depressed and trying to find herself again.

 

It was a rebound for her, and now someone else has come [the guy from HS ... her old flame].

 

She is essentially back-burning you and pursuing the 'best deal'.

I can understand doing that for a purse, or a nice pair of shoes but ... you are not an asset are you ?; some nice accessory ?

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So.... I made it a couple more days NC since my original post. I went for a long walk to try and clear my head. Ended up calling her to say I couldn't meet her that weekend. I decided I didn't want answers to my questions, but i still wanted to say goodbye properly. She agreed to come and see me after work on thursday.

On wednesday, i had a long day at work, traveled down the country and home again by 9pm. Out of curiousity ( and maybe obsession) I checked her FB page, still on lock down, so I checked the page of the guy I suspected she was with, and BOOM, they're in a relationship.

I broke down, I was destroyed.

I text her and said "don't bother about tomorrow, it all makes sense now. **** you"

She replied and spent the next 3 hours replying with sorries and other bull****. I blasted her. I really gave it to her, i don't think i've ever been so angry. It felt good to let her know how gutless and cowardly she had been.

A few days later now and she's still the first and last thing i think about, but I know that will pass.

Moral of the story: TRUST YOUR GUT.

And thank you to the replies that told me like it is, I should have listened.

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So.... I made it a couple more days NC since my original post. I went for a long walk to try and clear my head. Ended up calling her to say I couldn't meet her that weekend. I decided I didn't want answers to my questions, but i still wanted to say goodbye properly. She agreed to come and see me after work on thursday.

On wednesday, i had a long day at work, traveled down the country and home again by 9pm. Out of curiousity ( and maybe obsession) I checked her FB page, still on lock down, so I checked the page of the guy I suspected she was with, and BOOM, they're in a relationship.

I broke down, I was destroyed.

I text her and said "don't bother about tomorrow, it all makes sense now. **** you"

She replied and spent the next 3 hours replying with sorries and other bull****. I blasted her. I really gave it to her, i don't think i've ever been so angry. It felt good to let her know how gutless and cowardly she had been.

A few days later now and she's still the first and last thing i think about, but I know that will pass.

Moral of the story: TRUST YOUR GUT.

And thank you to the replies that told me like it is, I should have listened.

 

I am so glad you got to the bottom it and can finally start to move on!! Such a liar, creating stories out of thin air to make you feel sorry for her. Some day she is going to realise what she has lost and you just kick her to the curb!

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Umm, it will take a few more yrs [at least].

She has more or less screwed up and she knows it. So now she will lose herself in that relationship, which means that she is going for lust/attraction/rationalizing something ... essentially that will also be a rebound of sorts.

 

She wasted at least a decade with an abusive guy, which made her feel like crap.

She is 38, so if she wants family, she doesn't have much time left [and it takes yrs to become healthy after the kind of relationship she had].

You are 35, and you are in a much better position.

 

She essentially gave up on the progress she has made since leaving that guy and it will take her yrs to get back to where she was, if ever.

She'll contact you again in the future ... i hope you will be in a good enough place to still tell her to take a hike.

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I don't doubt that you are right, and maybe one day I will feel sorry for her. But that still doesn't excuse the lies and leading me on and everything else.

I have a life to live ahead of me, I don't regret the time I spent with her, it taught me some amazing things about myself and life in general.

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Detectingfreak
I am so glad you got to the bottom it and can finally start to move on!! Such a liar, creating stories out of thin air to make you feel sorry for her. Some day she is going to realise what she has lost and you just kick her to the curb!

 

This sounds much like my ex. She would only call, wouldnt let me go anywhere because i would have to wait on her call, keep things secret from me, and block me from her facebook page. Woman are trouble in general. Just stay single for your health. I know it sounds stupid but it had worked for me and im really happily single exploring and not being held back.

 

Be single forever :)

Edited by Detectingfreak
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This sounds much like my ex. She would only call, wouldnt let me go anywhere because i would have to wait on her call, keep things secret from me, and block me from her facebook page. Woman are trouble in general. Just stay single for your health. I know it sounds stupid but it had worked for me and im really happily single exploring and not being held back.

 

Be single forever :)

 

I read a few of your posts tonight and it seems like you have given up on love (I hope that is only temporary!). Don't let one bad apple tarnish all the rest of them. Sometimes you have to go through some bad ones to know what is good for you and helps you figure out what you want or don't want x

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The hard part now, is somehow she's left me thinking if I'd reacted differently she would have come back. Which I know is crap because she fell for another guy. It's hard to fathom. Why I am so sad after she screwed me over bad. I should be angry.

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I don't doubt that you are right, and maybe one day I will feel sorry for her. But that still doesn't excuse the lies and leading me on and everything else.

I have a life to live ahead of me, I don't regret the time I spent with her, it taught me some amazing things about myself and life in general.

 

I didn't write it to excuse her.

 

I wrote it so that you would understand that it is instinct that guides her, and she has very little emotional intelligence ... to better understand her, ppl like her, and to make you feel a little better.

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I understand what you're saying, I really do. I ultimately understand now that i was just a rebound for her. It hurts, but it makes all the pieces i had ignored fit together. She projected many of her own fears on to me. Now I am in the process of gathering up the pieces of myself and moving on. Today is hard, just because it should be such a happy day, and i find myself wanting to break down. I now everything that has happened is for the best, and I hope the guy she is with now is not just another rebound, and that she will find the happiness she needs. I think about her less and less every day, and i know in time, I won't think about her anymore.

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I've been reading up a lot lately regarding sociopaths. All the signs add up. The speed at which the relationship progressed, the things she said are text book. So many red flags I missed because I was so in love with this woman, who ultimately never even existed. Coping with a relationship that seemed so perfect but was all a lie is hard, but it makes a lot of sense in hindsight. I'd love to tell her I know what she is and what she did, but I also know that would mean nothing and achieve nothing but set me back. I am 14 days NC now, and need to keep it that way. I got sucked in so bad, and I still feel weak and destroyed because of it. But each day is a new day, and slightly better than the last.

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DrReplyInRhymes
I've been reading up a lot lately regarding sociopaths. All the signs add up. The speed at which the relationship progressed, the things she said are text book. So many red flags I missed because I was so in love with this woman, who ultimately never even existed. Coping with a relationship that seemed so perfect but was all a lie is hard, but it makes a lot of sense in hindsight. I'd love to tell her I know what she is and what she did, but I also know that would mean nothing and achieve nothing but set me back. I am 14 days NC now, and need to keep it that way. I got sucked in so bad, and I still feel weak and destroyed because of it. But each day is a new day, and slightly better than the last.

 

Focus on yourself, and what makes you happy today,

Did you get a great start? Was your coffee made in a different way?

What's on your agenda this evening, any new plans that were made?

Do you have a TV show you've missed? Do you have concert tickets that were paid?

 

As you can see, and in my opinion, the best therapy for you,

Would be to think of other things, and don't dwell on this dude.

Work on yourself, keep yourself busy, and make this life your own,

Don't think or dwell on the past, its full of hurt as its shown.

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It's been 2 months since initial break now. NC for almost a month. I'm still in the process of accepting I will never hear from her again. Each day is a little better, but some are worse than others. I'm doing my best to keep myself occupied and do things for me, to make myself a stronger person. I hate myself for feeling like I wasted my summer holiday being depressed over such a nasty evil person. Trying to get out and meet new people, but I'm still pretty broken, and it will take time before I am truly ready. I wanted to thank everyone who replied to my posts, without you I'd probably have gone completely mental. I have hope because I know there is someone better out there for me.

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It's been 2 months since initial break now. NC for almost a month. I'm still in the process of accepting I will never hear from her again. Each day is a little better, but some are worse than others. I'm doing my best to keep myself occupied and do things for me, to make myself a stronger person. I hate myself for feeling like I wasted my summer holiday being depressed over such a nasty evil person. Trying to get out and meet new people, but I'm still pretty broken, and it will take time before I am truly ready. I wanted to thank everyone who replied to my posts, without you I'd probably have gone completely mental. I have hope because I know there is someone better out there for me.

 

I'm glad you're being a strong person. I'm a little over a week out of break up and NC. I hope one day I can make it to your phase. Every day the urges are so strong to either send a text or something.

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I have had the urges to contact her, believe me the have been strong. But I tell myself, I would only be contacting her to get a response, and since I wouldn't get one, it would set me back further. The best thing you can do is accept that what once was is gone and look towards the future. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel is long

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Dear FixItCris,

 

Allow me to translate certain things from your original post.

 

Around the end of October this year, i felt something was strange with her, She just seamed "distant" somehow
Normally when this "distant" stuff starts to happen, there is 99.99% another guy involved in the picture.

 

About this time she had met up with some old friends, one of which was a guy
What a coincidence.

 

The following morning I asked if she was ok and she broke down into tears.
You know what happens to emotionally immature girls who wants to take a quick escape route when they feel guilty, they start crying (tears).

 

 

 

She said she doesn't know. She has lost herself, she doesn't love herself and doesn't know what she wants, she can't be in a relationship right now
I'm pretty sure all the things were going nice and dandy till the new interest enters the picture. Classic sign of someone whose emotionally cheating who says "I lost myself, I don't love myself, I don't what I want" All B.S excuses, all mean one thing and all ends up going down the same route.

 

She is constantly stressed at work, her dad is dying from lung cancer, and she is still angry at him for cheating on her mother.
You should have said "I understand the situation, but what does this has to do with (our) relationship?" should have turned the tables on her right there with her lame excuses.

 

She just needs some space to figure out what she wants. I immediately freaked, I have heard all these lines before, and I know what they can mean.

I'm sure you know what it meant, but let me just say it again, when someone wants space, they want space to "explore" someone else and if that doesn't work out during there "space" they are back in love with you, which makes you an "option" not a "priority".

 

She told me I should go and meet other people and not wait for her.
You know who says that, who is 100% in on the next relationship.

 

what she said was a carbon copy of the break up speech from earlier, but also included she's depressed and sad all the time, she doesn't love herself so how can she love someone else, she hasn't had time for her friends, she's worried because she doesn't have kids, and she's worried about menopause and generally getting old. I told her she is not getting anywhere near old, and again that I am here for her and will help any way i can.
Let me tell you from experience, a person who is emotionally cheating would either give you different reasons everytime you ask them or give you the same reasons again & again but from a different prespective, which only confuses you more and raises more questions. Emotional / Physical cheaters give you the minimum amount of information.

how she did not deserve me and I was the greatest thing that had ever happened to her.

I could kiss her, which I did, and she immediately began to cry
The guilt is getting to her pretty bad.

 

"I miss you and I can't be with you"
Right, that is the classic carbon copy of "i love you but I'm not -in love- with you" used by cheaters.

 

She broke down in tears and said "I can't lose you yet, I will find a way Back. Sorry I am so conflicted."
Allow me to translate "I am not secure with my guy yet, I would weasle my way back into your life if something happens with him", funny she wasn't conflicted before but now she is.

 

 

She said the answer to the first question was yes. But she doesn't know the other answers.
She wants you to leave the door open, I say you slam it on her face, that would make you look more attractive (Despite of you thinking "no thats so wrong, I would come off as mean and other stuff), think for a moment all the things I have highlighted above, how much crap have you taken from her.

 

Seriously cut this one off, no replies to her calls and texts, if they keep coming, you stand your ground and say "It was your idea to breakup with me, I don't think we should talk to each other anymore", shut the door on that immature girl, she lives in a bubble, too bad it always get popped when the reality doesn't meet the fantasy.

 

I say you get out of this emotional rollar-coaster ride, start working on your hobbies, start making more advances in your life and when you are emotionally stable again, go out with a girl who knows what she wants and not this one who is using you as a emotional tampon, the chances are when she sees you how well you are doing, she's going to get intouch with you and give you all the classic "sorry it was a mistake, I wasn't thinking clearly, I don't know what came to me, I always thought we would end up being together" crap, don't fall for it, march forward with life and wave this one like you are waving your troubles away and moving to better things.

Edited by Holmes85
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Thanks for the translation. I know now that was exactly what everything meant. I was stupid to ever believe she was different. One day I will only have the good memories, but right now it still hurts like hell. I don't think I'll ever hear from her again. I did tell her to stop contacting me the day I found out for sure she had cheated. Sometimes I find myself wondering if she even does feel guilty or remorseful, but I doubt it. I have my own life to get on with, without her in it. Every day is a day further away from what she put me through. I regretted how I spoke to her the last time, but I was so so angry, and I know it was my emotions talking, not me. I am.picking up the pieces of me, and trying my best to stand tall and move on.

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