Ex crying (Updated)

[toffeecream77]

My ex, who called things off over a month ago, has broken down crying the last several times I've seen him. Not just a few tears. Last time, he broke down twice in public and had to go to the toilets to compose himself. He says seeing me brings back emotions for him, his feelings are strong, he is emotional, sensitive etc. Previously, he kept saying how he's worried about regretting things. I didn't want to push him. I gave him time. We were meeting up to talk, to spend time together etc. It was going nicely, we agreed to both be open, reflect etc and to talk about things. Although he did talk mostly about himself, his problems etc because he is going through a bad time, but I was too. Only difference is that I'm not that self absorbed.

 

Anyway, the last time, he said he couldn't talk much (just cried) and wanted time to think about things (again). I said fine, as long as we eventually discuss things in person (because he dumped me via phone before, it was horrible). Things are always much better in person. I was extremely worried about his frame of mind (he's had depression in the past), so the next day, when I missed his call to wish me happy birthday, I called him back and he just snapped at me, saying horrible things, how I couldn't leave him alone (er, ok?), I couldn't wait to see him to talk (er, no?) and started to tell me why he couldn't be with me (on my birthday). His tone was very harsh. I did ask him if he was depressed (he says a little, but he's getting better) and told him he should visit his doctor (he's going to therapy every week for anxiety, OCD etc). After that unnecessary and inconsiderate showdown, I vowed not to put up with this crap anymore so I went NC and told him I wouldn't speak to him again. He tried calling 8 times that evening, but I ignored. I even passed on some info via his friend to avoid contacting him directly last week. Yet my ex continued to msg me stuff about the apartment - totally unnecessary stuff that he could do on his own. Yesterday, I simply replied that he should come to the apartment this weekend because I will be gone for good then (I'm leaving the country). No reply. That does hurt on some level - he's not trying to see me or anything. But I know not to expect anything.

 

I'm doing mostly OK. But today is a bit of a struggle.

 

Thoughts welcome.

Edited December 4, 2014 by toffeecream77

[toffeecream77]

I thought by going NC your ex will realise you don't need them, are happier etc? Well, a text from my ex just said my problem is because he made a decision and I was not satisfied with it. Er, no...it was because of how he handled the situation. Can he not see how hurtful and wrong he has been from the moment he dumped me on the phone weeks ago? Yet the problem is with me not being happy with his decision? He's deluded....

[Dontfindme]

Sounds like he has a lot going on, and he needs to sort out his life. Better to not expect anything with all this going on.

 

You're moving out of the country--so focus on that.

 

Keep fighting the good fight! You seem to be doing fairly well.

[toffeecream77]

Seriously, he's the one acting like he did all the work in the apartment, I should be thankful he's still paying rent even tho he moved out (er, he's still contractually obliged?), he's demanding super cheap amounts of money that I would not dare ask of anyone...

 

And when I tell him how much work I'm doing, how he needs to man up...he tells me my problem is because of his decision?

 

How to get over that hurtful comment?????

[Dontfindme]

Seriously, he's the one acting like he did all the work in the apartment, I should be thankful he's still paying rent even tho he moved out (er, he's still contractually obliged?), he's demanding super cheap amounts of money that I would not dare ask of anyone...

 

And when I tell him how much work I'm doing, how he needs to man up...he tells me my problem is because of his decision?

 

How to get over that hurtful comment?????

 

Sounds like he's just deflecting! I don't think you need to get over that particular comment, because it doesn't even make any sense.

 

But perhaps the fact that he's so immature, to blame it all on you, should be some sort of motivator in getting over him.

[Simon Phoenix]

I thought by going NC your ex will realise you don't need them, are happier etc? Well, a text from my ex just said my problem is because he made a decision and I was not satisfied with it. Er, no...it was because of how he handled the situation. Can he not see how hurtful and wrong he has been from the moment he dumped me on the phone weeks ago? Yet the problem is with me not being happy with his decision? He's deluded....

 

If you are talking to him and know that he's crying, you aren't in No Contact. Honestly, this isn't your concern. He made his made, he can sleep in it. Unless he comes up to you wanting to try again, you need to stop participating in all this.

[toffeecream77]

we had a big, long argument via text just now. horrible things were said. then i said i had enough of arguing, said that he did make the right decision, i just wanted him to be more considerate. that i wanted to put all the bad stuff behind me before i leave and that we could be friends if he wanted, things felt platonic for me anyway. he said sure ok he understood and we wished each other good luck.

 

that's it. now at least in his mind it can niggle away at him that i am moving on while he is still stuck here, with no job, no nothing....it can fester away in his mind that things are platonic and we can be friends. i know that sounds horrible, but i won't let him think i'm sat here crying, being difficult because i'm not satisfied i can't have him.

 

only thing i'm sad about is that i'm leaving the country on saturday, and he hasn't asked to see me or anything. i simply said "see you in [name of city] sometime!" that's it. i'm sure it's upsetting him, though. and if not...well, just goes to show. we might never see each other ever again. wow...i'm sure it'll hit me hard once i've calmed down from the argument.

[toffeecream77]

But perhaps the fact that he's so immature, to blame it all on you, should be some sort of motivator in getting over him.

 

True. There's so much more as well. I know I can do a million times better. The guy has no job, no aspiration, he's not particularly attractive, he is a real downer. There's nothing energetic or uplifting about him. And he's beyond selfish. Yet I still love him. Funny what the heart can do.

[Dontfindme]

True. There's so much more as well. I know I can do a million times better. The guy has no job, no aspiration, he's not particularly attractive, he is a real downer. There's nothing energetic or uplifting about him. And he's beyond selfish. Yet I still love him. Funny what the heart can do.

 

 

Heart Cooks Brain (it's actually a Modest Mouse song)

 

But yes, focus on the negatives, and use them as motivation to move on and heal.

[toffeecream77]

It's my last day, I'm clearing up the apartment. We continued text today, I was really tying to be friendly, told him we can put this year behind us, be friends (we'll be in diff countries so it's not like we're going to be best pals hanging out) etc. I told him I'd leave him some notes about the apartment because he needs to come and take over. I received two very short msgs - one about how he thought I was leaving tomorrow, and the other telling me where I can recycle. No reply to my msg about being friends, putting everything behind us etc for hours. Odd.

[toffeecream77]

So I left the country, after a day of nonstop arguing via text messenger and an argument by phone. Silly things. But in the end, I sent him a long msg about how he has given up so much, a fun girl loving him (goodluck finding that again), and the move would have been a once in a lifetime opportunity for him - to a big city, where he could meet people, have experiences and progress his career. Instead, he wants to be stuck in a town in the middle of nowhere. I told him he clearly has nobody in his life giving him good advice, that maybe I should have tried harder and I hope he made the right choice. That's it.

 

I still think the reasons for the break up are weird. He wants to concentrate on setting up his life, we did have a stressful year of work which made us neglect our relationship, but we both have had some time off work, and I'm going to a less pressurised and demanding job - we could have easily worked things out. I guess he just didn't love me enough, which is odd, because people would always comment on the look of love in his eyes (corny, I know, but several people independently commented on it).

 

I think my grieving only really starts now that I have left the apartment we shared, which is a shame, because I thought moving would be the first step to happiness. No, I just need to get through the grieving. Which is ok, as I don't start my new job for another month, I still ahve time to be fresh and happier for that.

 

But every time I get excited and happy, I'm also sad because he isn't here to share it with me. To be honest, he could never share my happiness - his situation is so dire, he is quite lost that he always felt a little jealous and too bad for himself whenever something good happened to me.

 

I do think about him coming back. As I described before, he had a fear of regretting. But after the arguments and the move, I don't think he will. Or I need to think he won't at all. I'm not quite at that stage yet.

 

I'm just venting. Hope you guys can help.

[Simon Phoenix]

You really need to stop talking to this guy ASAP. You are just keeping yourself in the muck with these text message arguments. You're broken up -- it's time to act like it.

[toffeecream77]

I sent him a long msg about how he has given up so much, a fun girl loving him (goodluck finding that again), and the move would have been a once in a lifetime opportunity for him - to a big city, where he could meet people, have experiences and progress his career. Instead, he wants to be stuck in a town in the middle of nowhere. I told him he clearly has nobody in his life giving him good advice, that maybe I should have tried harder and I hope he made the right choice. That's it.

 

Maybe this is a good way to end it. These are my final thoughts that can stay with him.

[toffeecream77]

The memories of the hurt he caused me. I'm getting compliments every day now. He never complimented me. Even though he is several leagues below me in every way - looks, success, generosity, consideration, wisdom, culture etc (which I didn't mind, I'm not a snob) - he never complimented me, never appreciated being with somebody who really loved him. Instead, he cut me down and even told me that other people who called me 'beautiful' were being a bit much. He never made me feel desirable as a woman. And a few days after the break up, despite him being a hurtful creep (he didn't have to be), and despite me telling his friends to tell him not to speak to me, he sends me countless emails asking for some money to cover my half of a bill. It is a shameful amount and I would never, ever bring myself to that level after breaking up with somebody who I clearly hurt more than I needed to. He has the money, it wasn't about that...I just can't believe some people....No class. And he would always lament 'cheap' people to me.

 

I'm really hurting today. I cried like a baby over the weekend. Over a guy who I *know* was not right for me. So why does it still hurt? How long will it hurt for? I'm sick of feeling so low!

 

In my last few msgs (we are NC now), I deliberately sounded really very happy and ok about things. I couldn't give him the ego boost, which is what he's got out of this. I just wish on some level he knows how pathetic, inconsiderate and 'unmanly' he was...and I wish I can fast forward this whole grieving process, I don't want to feel this way about somebody as crass as him.

[willpower321]

Not sure how long it will hurt for, but for sure not forever...

I am going through similar, have not seen each other in a month but have exchanged msgs over fb which he turned into fighting. Anyhow, try to focus on something else. I have casually dated which has not helped at all..

 

The thing that has helped though is keeping busy. I go to the gym everyday now and I have been getting really into what I am eating...

Maybe try a new class to fill in some of that extra time you have now...And when those negative thoughts come into your head about how you could have done more, or hes not that bad or whatever they are just replace them with something else positive. Like I will not let this sadden me, or this heartbreak will not define who I am. - Seems to help as well.

[StalwartMind]

I think a huge part of the reason as to why humans struggle with negative experiences, is because it has the potential to take up, what can feel as such an enormous amount of space. All depending on what your dealing with, small as well as huge issues, it's about being able to accept it.

 

It's really hard for some people to accept the actions of others and most probably recognize the feeling of wondering, why did person X do Y and not Z. When you find yourself doing that it can be a quick downward spiral into misery.

 

When you start to realize and believe again, that not every person on this planet is like that, then things will start getting better. As crap as one person may treat you, just as opposite great another will. You are getting compliments now, something he never did, and while not all of them may be of the same sincerity, some sure will be.

 

Out there on our tiny blue planet there are people whom will make you feel the best you've ever felt, and once you meet them, it's going to change your view on others, yourself like you've never felt before. It's of course up to you learn to understand this, and when you do, you'll see that feelings of hurt are slowly replaced by feelings of joy. Until then, do take your time and allow yourself to be okay with how you currently feel, but always keep moving forward and show the desire to want improvement.

[toffeecream77]

The hurt comes and goes in phases. I'm much better than I was earlier this week.

 

I broke NC today, I know I should have resisted more. A couple days ago, my ex messaged me an incredibly pointless message - which there was no question, statement of interest for me or a possible reply I could respond with. But today, I replied with a short paragraph telling him what I was up to. Because I didn't want him to think I was sulking, ignoring him...that I was keeping busy and doing interesting things (which I am btw). He's the type of guy to think he ruined my life. Anyway, he replied quite quickly saying he is glad I am doing all these interesting things and even added a smiley face. His message sounded so light and happy. I didn't ask him any Qs, but he didn't go into any detail about himself. Probably because there is nothing to say. I know his life. Nothing is happening. I'm the one who has moved, starting a new job etc - things are actually happening for me.

 

Yet I feel irrationally sad about his happy, carefree reply. Maybe he is really happier without me, maybe the crying has stopped and now he is sure he made the right decision.

 

Thing is, objectively I know he wasn't the guy for me. I know I can do a million times better. It's so obvious. But why does it still hurt?

 

If he came back, and I still think about it, I really don't think I'd even take him back.

 

So why do I have all these weird emotions?

 

I guess I just miss him? And it's sad for things to end anyway.

Edited December 12, 2014 by toffeecream77

[Purepony]

It could be guilt or rejection.

You feel bad the way things ended or you know he's under you and he broke things off...

 

Gibe it a few days then you'll see things more clear. Then a week becomes a month and before you know it a year and you forget the pain or to think of them

[toffeecream77]

...but they still didn't want you.

 

No arguments. No differences. No lies. No cheating.

 

It's tough.

[StalwartMind]

It can be very tough, but on the other hand, it's a blessing to be rid of partners or friends whom can not see any value in you. When the right people walk into your life, they are there to stay, even through difficult times. Best we all can do is is be true to ourselves and not compromise our own values or ideas just because someone else didn't appreciate them.

 

*steals a toffee from toffeecream77 and runs off hiding, my apologizes but toffees are excellent, I can't help it*

[xUnknown]

I hope you're doing well these past few weeks. I've been following your thread and it seems like you're on the right path.

 

These feelings will come and go. I actually had an "off" day yesterday out of the blue. Perhaps I had a dream about her the night before and she was implanted into my subconscious? Who knows...but thinking that was the case sort of puts me at ease.

 

Things like this take time to heal from. Time...it such a funny word. We're told we don't have much of it, but then again, when we want it to go faster it seems to take even longer.

 

Keep your chin up. You'll make it.