spent the night with ex

[sadsoymilk]

The week before I came home he was breaking NC like crazy. I mostly ignored him. Then when we were working together, everything was like it was before, the flirting, the jokes, he kept saying things like "this always reminds me of you" and "i missed you so much". He somehow got my hopes up. I shouldn't have fallen for it.

 

He asked me to meet him at his place after work. I thought we could talk, get an explanation out of his vague reasons for breaking up. I just wanted closure. But his friends were there and we all hung out together, drinking and having fun. He acted EXACTLY like he did when we were together. I was so confused but so hopeful. When they left, we slept in the same bed as usual, kissing and cuddling, mostly just sleeping. everything was great.. perfect, just like before...

 

until, the next night, I asked him (in person, after work) if I would see him again soon. He straight out told me no. He liked me, we were great together, but it would never work, again for unspecified reasons. No amount of asking would get him to tell me exactly why. Somehow he crushed me, again, a second time, when I went home with all of my guards up and expecting this to happen... he told me last night only happened because he was drinking, but he had asked me to be there way before alcohol was involved! I couldn't help but cry, but he had no sympathy. He drove off and left me there. I feel so stupid and manipulated. We didn't have sex, but I feel used anyway. I don't know how I can hold it together when we are forced to see each other yet again at work..

 

Long story short..don't trust them, especially when they're cowardly enough to end it for no real reason (over text message no less). I feel like he never knew what he really wanted, and I was just collateral damage. I feel so pathetic.

[Chin Up]

He knew exactly what he wanted and made that evident after he got what he wanted. Sure it wasn't sex (and you'd be feeling a million times worse if that happened!) but he got the security and safety of knowing you're around as a safety net. Hate to say it, But if he's acting exactly the same without you as he was with you, that's saying something. Take it for face value.

 

You're now the wiser and have seen he has no remorse to use you to feel better. Don't feel guilty, ashamed, or pathetic. You were being human and responding to a situation you thought might mean something. Cut the cords on his safety net and let him drop like a lead balloon. He's shown you that he's willing to use you to make himself feel better, with no regards to your own feelings, so return the sentiment.

 

Don't look to him for answers and closure. In a weird way, be glad he was vague and didn't offer anything. Do you really want to hear him say "i don't find you attractive anymore" or "i found someone else" or "you're boring" or "i cheated on you the whole time" or "i was never all that into you". There's never a good reason in the dumpee's eyes and if the dumper is honest, it will hurt like a mutha fugga to hear why. Don't look to him for closure because you will forever be unsatisfied with the reasons and try to "fix" or "change" things. Closure comes from within. I didn't get a proper reason myself. He cited being scared of intimacy and commitment. Could be the truth or could be a load of crap, but the why doesn't matter. As soon as someone says they want out, that's your cue to get out yourself.

 

Chin up, head high, and shoulders back. Don't accept anything less than you deserve and definitely don't do anything you're unsure of and/or aren't comfortable with because you think it might change things or get them back.

 

know your worth and NEVER settle for less!

[BC1980]

I think he wanted to use you for a night of sex and got mad when you didn't have sex with him. He showed his true colors. He was trying to demote you to FWB. I would never speak with him again.

[sadsoymilk]

He knew exactly what he wanted and made that evident after he got what he wanted. Sure it wasn't sex (and you'd be feeling a million times worse if that happened!) but he got the security and safety of knowing you're around as a safety net. Hate to say it, But if he's acting exactly the same without you as he was with you, that's saying something. Take it for face value.

 

You're now the wiser and have seen he has no remorse to use you to feel better. Don't feel guilty, ashamed, or pathetic. You were being human and responding to a situation you thought might mean something. Cut the cords on his safety net and let him drop like a lead balloon. He's shown you that he's willing to use you to make himself feel better, with no regards to your own feelings, so return the sentiment.

 

Don't look to him for answers and closure. In a weird way, be glad he was vague and didn't offer anything. Do you really want to hear him say "i don't find you attractive anymore" or "i found someone else" or "you're boring" or "i cheated on you the whole time" or "i was never all that into you". There's never a good reason in the dumpee's eyes and if the dumper is honest, it will hurt like a mutha fugga to hear why. Don't look to him for closure because you will forever be unsatisfied with the reasons and try to "fix" or "change" things. Closure comes from within. I didn't get a proper reason myself. He cited being scared of intimacy and commitment. Could be the truth or could be a load of crap, but the why doesn't matter. As soon as someone says they want out, that's your cue to get out yourself.

 

Chin up, head high, and shoulders back. Don't accept anything less than you deserve and definitely don't do anything you're unsure of and/or aren't comfortable with because you think it might change things or get them back.

 

know your worth and NEVER settle for less!

 

Thank you so much for your response. I think you're exactly right; he wanted someone around when it was convenient and he thought he could get me- and he did. And he has been acting the same since the breakup, in fact, he acted like he always did when I was crying and upset. Telling me he had feelings for me was probably a big fat lie considering how cold he acted. sigh.

 

Thank you again. Next time I see him I will act like he never existed or mattered.

[sadsoymilk]

I think he wanted to use you for a night of sex and got mad when you didn't have sex with him. He showed his true colors. He was trying to demote you to FWB. I would never speak with him again.

 

Thank you for responding. You're probably right. Of course I thought he was so different, but he's really not in the end. Time to enact some super strict NC..

[Graceful]

The best lessons in life are the ones that are learned the hard way. Sounds a little trite, but it's the truth. We've all "tested the waters" and hoped against hope, and thought, just as you did, that our ex was different in some way. Well, the truth hurts, but it will also set you free. There are reasons that the people on a forum such as this can give advice and one of them is that there are factors and aspects of breakups that are actually very similar. We all feel isolated until we learn how many people have walked in the same shoes, and felt the same way. You are far from alone.

 

 

Take what happened as a learning experience and use it to build and garner your own strength and power to get through your break up. He has shown his true colors, nothing else matters, and nothing more to see. All relationships are not meant to last, and this one with this guy, was meant to bring you closer to the right person later down the road. Soon, your ex will just be some guy, and even better, "what's his name."

 

 

No need to beat yourself up. If anything, he might be beating himself up, you just don't know it. But enough about him ... focus on *YOU* because you are one day further into being an enlightened, truthful, sincere, and loving young woman, and if this guy didn't appreciate you, then there is no place for him in your life other than down the EXIT chute. Wish him well as you see him go through the trap door ...

 

The week before I came home he was breaking NC like crazy. I mostly ignored him. Then when we were working together, everything was like it was before, the flirting, the jokes, he kept saying things like "this always reminds me of you" and "i missed you so much". He somehow got my hopes up. I shouldn't have fallen for it.

 

He asked me to meet him at his place after work. I thought we could talk, get an explanation out of his vague reasons for breaking up. I just wanted closure. But his friends were there and we all hung out together, drinking and having fun. He acted EXACTLY like he did when we were together. I was so confused but so hopeful. When they left, we slept in the same bed as usual, kissing and cuddling, mostly just sleeping. everything was great.. perfect, just like before...

 

until, the next night, I asked him (in person, after work) if I would see him again soon. He straight out told me no. He liked me, we were great together, but it would never work, again for unspecified reasons. No amount of asking would get him to tell me exactly why. Somehow he crushed me, again, a second time, when I went home with all of my guards up and expecting this to happen... he told me last night only happened because he was drinking, but he had asked me to be there way before alcohol was involved! I couldn't help but cry, but he had no sympathy. He drove off and left me there. I feel so stupid and manipulated. We didn't have sex, but I feel used anyway. I don't know how I can hold it together when we are forced to see each other yet again at work..

 

Long story short..don't trust them, especially when they're cowardly enough to end it for no real reason (over text message no less). I feel like he never knew what he really wanted, and I was just collateral damage. I feel so pathetic.

[BC1980]

Thank you for responding. You're probably right. Of course I thought he was so different, but he's really not in the end. Time to enact some super strict NC..

 

I think it's good to listen to the forum because we can be objective. It's extremely difficult be objective when you are in love or have feelings for someone. You will always think back to the good things the person has done and think they can't possibly be doing what they are now doing. Most people aren't all good or all bad. People are shades of grey. From where I'm standing, it seems pretty clear he wanted some no strings attached sex, and, when you weren't up for it, you no longer served any purpose to him. Seems harsh, but it is what it is.

 

Kudos to you for not having sex with him. You will respect yourself in the long run, and he won't look back and think that you were just an easy mark for sex. Many men do like to have a "list" of women they can go to for sex, and exes are prime targets for that. I've had an ex come back wanting sex years later.

[sadsoymilk]

Thank you so much for your response, Graceful. It's hard for me to focus on me right now because I feel worthless but I know it's what I have to do.

 

BC1980.. you're right. I never even thought of it that way. I'm so naive that I guess I thought "spending the night, he must still care about me!" I didn't think about him wanting sex at all. I'm glad I didn't go all the way with him, too. To think he would even want to just use me for that - and that it's a common practice that you've experienced yourself - makes me feel sick.

[sadsoymilk]

Sent me home early from work today because I was such a mess. I have him blocked on everything and I honestly never want to see or talk to him again, even though it's inevitable. I wish this was easier.