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blackberryq10

Background:

 

The ex and I have known each other since high school (approx 10 years). He went into the military after school and then moved to another state for college. Once he graduated, he moved back home and actually moved into my house (he and my sister, whom I live with, were best friends the whole time). Anyways, he and I started talking again in March. Talked every day since the first day we saw each other again. He actually moved back in May. We had been officially dating since that time. Everything was perfect. We clicked instantly. We got along so well and our relationship was easy. We were both happy and spent as much time as we could together. He moved out in August (which was the original plan, nothing to do with the relationship, because that is when his new job in a town 20 mins away started). Since then he called every night after work. Either he would come here or I would go there on Fridays and we would spend the weekend together doing whatever. My family loved him, his family loved me. He told me all the time how much he loved me and how happy he was.

Three weeks ago, he decided to go visit his best friend about an hour and a half away. He told me he didnt want to go if I wasnt going but because of some prior obligations, I had to stay home. I told him to go and have fun and that we would spend all day saturday together (we had plans to watch a big rivalry college football game). He went and I stayed home.

 

On Saturday, he called on his way home to see if I wanted lunch. I said I wasnt hungry. He said he'd be home in 45 mins. Ok.

 

When he got here, he was acting a little "off". Wasnt really himself but I couldnt pin point it. He kissed me when he got here then sat down to eat. Then it was as if he was picking a fight with me. It was so bizarre. It basically came down to 1. I dont drink beer (which is true. I dont. I dont like it. But I drink wine and liquor in social situations and I always have beer in the fridge for him, so thats never been an issue for us); 2. I dont like football (which is completely untrue... HUGE Pittsburgh fan); 3. I have no friends (also not true... we hang out with my friends more often than his bc he just moved back and doesnt know anyone); 4. He doesnt like my dog.

 

So with tears in his eyes he told me that he doesnt see this going anywhere and that he was sorry. He packed up the rest of his lunch and left. I was dumb founded... Couldnt believe it. 24 hours earlier everything was great.

 

I gave it a week and the following Monday I texted him and said something along the lines of "Trying to give you space has been so much harder than I anticipated. I hope that you're ok. Know that Im thinking about you and Im here if you ever need someone to talk to. I miss you and wish I could understand".

 

I mostly sent it because I was worried that something bad had happened that he wasnt comfortable talking to me about... I have NEVER seen him that upset before.

 

He said that he would call me when he got out of work. then texted 30 mins later and said he was still there. Then 30 mins later he texted again and said that it was too hard for him to talk to me knowing how hurt I was and that it was his fault. He said that he had thought about it all week and felt that he made the right decision.

 

Now, in my emotional state, I took that to mean that he didnt think that I deserved a phone call. So I called him because I was upset. It rang 4-5 times and I thought he wasnt going to answer (which angered me even more) but he finally did and he was bawling... so hard that I could barely understand what he was saying.

 

He basically told me that he loved me but he was not in love with me. He said that he was too old to be in a relationship that he didnt see going anywhere. He said it was the hardest thing he had ever had to do and that he hadnt really talked to anyone or addressed his feelings about the situation until that moment. We talked for about 15 mins. It was a good conversation.

 

After we got off the phone he texted and said that he felt like a fool for breaking down and that he was sorry he waited so long to talk to me. We went back and forth 2 or three times. I told him I know that he needs time and space and thats cool and that he could call or text any time. He said thanks and we left it at that.

 

Two days later, he sent me a "I hope you're having a good day" text. I was completely surprised by it and I didnt know what to do with it so I just said "thanks, you too..."

 

My goal was no contact and to let him figure this out on his own. He's my best friend and I love him deeply. I want him back but I care more that he does what is right for him and that he is happy. He deserves to be happy. He's a wonderful person, which makes this so much harder. I sometimes wish he had cheated or done something terrible to make me hate him but I just cant... He's incredible. *sigh*

 

Anyways, his 29th birthday was 1week ago. I texted him because he told me on the phone that he still wants to be friends and that he would give anything to be able to see me and talk to me again so I assumed it would be ok. I said "Happy birthday!! I hope your birthday week has been good to you."

 

His reply?

 

"Thank you sweetheart"

 

Im pretty sure he shouldnt be calling me that. It ripped my heart out... made me feel like he was messing with me. I know he isnt but I cant help but feel that way.

 

My sisters theory is that he's confused. He is really freaked out about turning 30 and talks about how old he is all the time. She said that with his birthday coming up and his best friend (the one he went to visit) getting engaged the week before + his new job, new apt, lack of friends here, etc that it was just too much for him to handle and that I should just give him time. Neither of us think that he would cheat, because hes such a respectful person and we've known him for so long, although I realize that it is a possibility.

 

Im just so tired of being sad. everything reminds me of us. I cant even go do fun things to distract myself because all I can think about is how the only person I want there with me is him and I start crying (which is horrible because Im not really an emotional person and I RARELY cry).

 

So any thoughts on what could be going on with him? I really think its best for me to just keep with the NC until I hear from him, but the fact that I got a "hope you're having a good day" unfortunately gave me hope... boo to that.

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sdrawkcaB ssA

He may have found his time away from you too distacting, while trying to have fun. Being confused he probably got drunk and did something that he regrets. Not that he had sex, just from the act of turning away from his feelings deep inside.

 

My biggest problem, is how he lacks maturity in communication of his feelings. Though, your communication before his leaving when you stayed, may have cofused him enough to be unsure in some way. Now that he hurt you, your trust will take time to heal, allow it to heal on its own by letting him show you that he is willing to take on the challenge. Do not give in to your emotional distress by feeling guilty or needy.

 

He probably needs some time to grow, as some men take longer than others, even returning from the military.

 

Talking and being open to work on issues is the only way to resolve, as to give in and say I'm sorry is just hiding it under the rug. Be strong and let NC guide him to his true feelings, as having you break it, does no allow for trust to be healed.

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