What's a guy to do

[Ali-786]

Hi

 

I don't get what my situation is but I think we have broke since last Monday 06/10/2014, I'm a non religious pakistani Muslim 26 years old, my ex is 21 years old english girl, we been together since feb 13, so at the point of us breaking up, it would be us been together almost 1 year and 8 months, we used to work together as security guards at a college, pretty much on the same shift, at the beginning before we got together we was simply mates, no attraction or flirting, but she told me after we got together that she did have a lil crush on me, it was a week before Valentine's Day 2013 that all us security team had a meal n night of clubbing, through out the night she stayed around me, I stayed sober cause I was driving, after the night was coming to a close I ended up taking her home cause she was heavily drunk, took me a hour finding out where she lived cause I hadn't a clue, so next day I was at work and texted her see how she is, she n I non stopped texted and before you know it things got close, we clicked instantly, felt a lil weird for me cause she was genuinely my only female friend and I began having feelings for her.

 

At first I was nervous about it all cause we worked together, she was white and I a asian, thought it would be politically challenging, I did mess her around in the first few weeks, saying I want us, and then didn't, but when I saw I was pushing her away, I fixed up and stuck to my heart and let my feelings for her take over me, we dated every so often, she'd finish work at 4, and I at 6, after work I'd pick her up and we was non stop together out of work, we began having more serious feelings for each other, our sex life was amazing. We even went on a holiday months into our relationship, we went Barcelona, I'm sure not a lot of couples would do that, but with us it was like we knew each forever, and would last forever. Although it was all rosey and perfect in the beginning, slowly we had our lil arguments, back then were small but we did have ugly ones, we knew it was all normal cause we was getting to know each other, at first after we had a lil fight, we kissed n made up and had a great uno ;-).

 

What was tough about us that we was working together, and soon we chose a same shift, being constantly together was also a play in a arguments, cause we was living 2 lives, personal and work, it was hard, especially when we had a drama out of work and we bought it to work, wasn't long when colleagues can clock on that we've had a lovers tiff, at first we both kept our relationship away from everyone at work but was long when they saw there was something going on between us seeing us constantly together and talking flirty.

 

When we admitted our relationship is real, some guards began having a funny attitude towards her and others happy for us, and those that was happy for us was like our friends and soon after become interfering when me n her had a drama, they'd play with her ears to leave me, and I wasn't good for her, when we saw our relationship was coming to a year old we was miserable that we was in jobs that's draining our personal life and risking a end of us.

The team we worked along side had become a nightmare, very backstabbing and very bitchy towards us and others, it became almost like gladiator warfare, every one screwing over another, but me n her stuck together, so in January of this year after we come off xmas holiday, we both decided it was absolutely best that one of us or both of us must find new jobs, purposely to save our relationship, few days after I had booked a Valentine's weekend away for us, we both quit our jobs, on the same night, minutes after each other.

 

Looking back it was our best accomplishment, following day we caused a **** storm between our college client and our security company, but we didn't care, we ended up being on paid suspension cause management wanted answers why we quit the way we did, we had 2 weeks till we had a formal meeting, until then we was absolutely enjoying our time together, so much weight lifted off us, we got more closer in that time off than we ever could, we found jobs elsewhere, and would you believe it we got married the day we went on a weekend away (Islamic marriage)

Though we got married, it was tough, even though her family approved of me n her, they didn't want to see her change, so fearing they're disapproval, she kept it a secret from them, my family on the other hand was very welcoming of her, they didn't want to see me follow typical asian traditions, and be happy, so we agreed she stay with her family till we get our place, and we can spend nights with each other at mine n hers.

 

Married life didn't start all normal, we both started new jobs, still in security, only now we working opposite shifts and having to go few days apart, this was not normal to us cause we was non stop together, wasn't long we had our arguments again, and as per usual the typical thing happened, she'd go out n get drunk n take coke with her friend lana, I also saw that my exes attitude would change whenever lana was in the picture, it's like as if she turning against me and go on her friends side,

Lana is her friend, she also happened to be a old colleague from the college, that girl was always slimey, always kept telling her to keep away from me.

Whenever me and the ex have a argument it was like she'd punish me by going out to get drunk, and what's worser is she always would go out with lana, I began seeing that girl was a massive negative influence over her.

 

The arguments me n my ex would always have would start over something so petty, but she would change in a instant, just like the hulk, the other person she becomes is extremely vile n nasty n cold, when she'd calm down we'd laugh and gave the person she becomes a name Hilda, back then it was funny of her but she got more regular, so all the dramas we had would obviously be over something I said or done, but I'd be left thinking what have I done that's made her angry n treat me like ****, would get to the point id end up crying n grovelling, would be extremely for her to calm down and see sense, and if we had a argument over the phone it would be hard to make up cause we wouldn't be able to see each other for days.

 

It's months of us adjusting to our new jobs, we saw each other when we could, and when we did we was too tired to go on a date that we'd have a quite night in, being away from each other even impacted our sex life, we used to be a healthy 3-4 times a week couple to slowing down to a maybe once a week, I keep healthy, go gym eat right, but she started to get more fatigued and her sex drive shut down, so our intimacy slowly was going.

Out new jobs we not the same as our old, I hated mine but was only doing it for survival, we'd text each other all day to keep each other going, and intime she settled in to her job and made friends, and slowly there was less texts than before, I saw that she was slowly changing and becoming more bitter when we argued and we was becoming distant, every so often she'd be spending more time with lana n getting drunk, whilst I was at work doing a night shift, and when I've had a night off and I'm at home in bed, I been called 3am to pick her up from a club, but I always picked her up alone, she'd leave her friend there, used to question what kind of friend is she that she joins on a night out but abandons her.

I being muslim, still know my rights from wrong, n I can't stand people that get high or drunk cause the way I see it is that the product n drink pollute your way of thinking, and cause problems in your life no matter how lil you drink or take drugs, but whenever I saw my ex drunk, I saw evil in her eyes, she becomes cold and a different person, I'd be cryin infront of her cause it was was like I'm beginning to hate her, we had friction between us for a month or 2 like this, I knew I was her friend lana the problem, since she had a funny attitude towards me and always did console my ex to leave me for good whenever we had a petty argument, so I said to my ex it was either me or her, she didn't choose but saw less of her, cause we didn't spend much time with each other as much as we used to when working together.

 

Before we left our old jobs, on one of the weekends we had booked a 2week holiday to Egypt in August, and all the time we moved on from our jobs into the new ones we both worked hard to pay it off, going on that holiday we both saw it as that's what we needed for us, just a escape from everything and everything we went through, but before goin we argued n we both said is the holiday even gonna help us, or may come back worser but when we calmed down n made up, we put them doubts behind us, on holiday we had a amazing time, but only few tiny dramas which we thought nothing of.

 

Before we went on holiday my ex had a lil argument with her mate at work(gay bff), she rang me up after they're lil drama and ranted on the phone about what he's done, I'm there calming her down and telling her work people are just for work not personal friends etc, so few days after that while I'm in bed with her, she said after she made up with her mate, he laughed at her saying they way she can switch on people is as if she got a split personality, so we looked it up on the net, we found Borderline Personality disorder and the symptoms a sufferer has, and all its symptoms matched to my ex, I promise you, every thing from the past from all our arguments n her moods explained that she matched to the symptoms of bpd, what we thought was funny of naming that other character she becomes was no longer funny cause it's something serious, I did try to persuade to speak to her mom about it and her the same have told my ex to speak to a doctor if she feels concerned about it.

I did always say I'm with her through thick n thin, we both loved each other too much n been through a lot together to even give up now, I was never gonna give up on her, but till this day she hasn't made a effort to go to her doctor n talk about it, we've had a few big dramas since that day reding on BPD, and every time she's in them States I keep telling her to get help, but she'd get in denial and treat me like ****, but when she out of that mood it's like nothing happened, I know that it wasn't my ex that's the burden, it's the condition she may have that is the burden.

 

Now what's led to break up now is that of confusion to me, cause we both workin long n opposite shifts, it's become hard to see each other, she works nowadays 10-12 days straight, n I on nights,

So on 01-03 of October she had few days off, but day before her few days off she said she gonna go out with her gay mate for a drink n meal, I thought to myself wtf, she quicker to go out with mates than with me, we hadn't been on a date in a long while, but she's quicker to go out n get drunk, so I didn't say anything but I hoped I get night shifts or be off so we spent time together , but I been called in on 2 long day shifts n couldn't see her, so I picked her up from work on a Saturday but cause she was extremely tired I could only have couple hours with, we had food delivered n kissed n cuddled her sent her sleep n left, the following day (05/10) she texted me as normal even though she was tired, but at the evenin of sunday her texts become short n distant, she text me she got home but didn't reply when I said good girl, I miss you, but she was online on her wats app for a while?, I thought she may be having a BPD mood, so the following morning is Monday (06/10), n I'm awake at 11, I saw on wats app she's awake half hour before me, I text her morning, no answer, for 15 mins, I rang her n she answered, I said how she is, n she barley textin if everything ok, all she said was 'Ali, I cba anymore, I think we should do our own thing, I been thinking of our future n I don't see it, we constantly argue, we barely see each other n we don't have hope', I was shocked cause no actual argument happened, but thought she is having a BPD mood so best just give her space, since we discovered on BPD, we had episodes like this before, n they lasted few days, I too did a lot of research n what the other half has to deal with an how to deal it, so i learnt to deal with it, but when ever she becomes in that state, it breaks my heart cause of what she can say n do, we have a future, talks of moving in togther n kids etc, n all of a sudden it's all over, I do nothing but cry n sleep that I don't know how to help her through her moods cause she's changes as a person, the following night while I'm at work(Tuesday), she texts me for money cause her wages would go in one of my accounts n she has the card to it, n says hope your ok, I text back saying what would she know how I feel, I do nothing but love her n stand by her, never hurt her, never would give up on her, I love her too much that I've forgotten who I am, I texted what I was always willing to do for her but that it's gonna be her regretting all this, she text that she does love me, that I'm that most perfect man she can be with, but she wants to be free n single, n she wants to see me happy cause she hurts me too much, I couldn't be asked texting n just put ok back, we hadn't had any communication for a days, she unblocked me on wats app which I didn't see till the following day, I kept my privacy on, n checked on her every now n then, n she would be online, last Friday I stupidly took off the privacy n she's blocked me again, she text me yesterday morning for money loan again till she got paid, I text her that we used up all her money n I have not so much left till coming friday, so I sent her some, her wages are expected to go in my account on the 31st, putting our money togther had always helped us both out she gets paid end of the month, and I every 2nd Friday, so I shouldn't say no really, but after saying I've sent her the money she replied ok thanks x, I sent one back saying 'no probs, always here for you(angel icon with it ), and she ain't replied since.

These past 7 days have been draining for me, I do non stop cry, melted in the gym, drive to work crying, stay in my room allday, don't eat, cry listening to soppy songs, n look at our old photos n videos, this is the worst I've ever felt. I've not asked for my iPad back since its at hers, but I took the charger couple weeks ago to have apple change it, today I was gonna send it my mail to her with a note saying its for her not to miss out on her fav tv shows, but I'm gonna follow a NC rule.

The thing with my ex is that she is a girl that can be easily led, when me n her are togther we're perfect, but when her mate may be off work she may be communicating with him, n she then changes colors on me, soon as she with him she becomes different feeling she missing out on the young n free life, n feels bored of us, wtf, everything has slowed down for us, we barely sleep with each other, her sex drive has shut down even though I want it regular, we ain't gone out on a date a long while, so mostly we stop in with a dvd, but when I make a big deal to go out she feels she cba doing her make up n going out, but when her mates ring her for a night out she's quicker then, does herself up? Is that me? Or her?

Cause she may well have BPD or a low thyroid level, she has these depressin moods every couple weeks and she can become like this, but then they we lasting on couple days n she'd creep back to me by textin 'miss u x', but this time it's going on a week, she's easily attached to new friends n cuts off the past, that's common symptom of BPD, have I fell victim to it now?, I thought I was the light to her life, even when her mom knew of her dramas, she'd tell her too that if she ever lost me she'd regret it, my ex has had a bad past, her exes have all had layed into her when she would change character, cause trust me my ex knows what buttons to press, she's cut them off In a shot too, with no remorse, just line whats happenin to me, but difference between me n her past is that I never gave up on her, she always knew she had a problem but didn't know what to do n what it was, she become attached to me quickly, loved me, got me gifts non stop, really loving of me, guess the distance created from starting separate jobs has impact is, even know though I'm heartbroken, even still I been awake 5 hours ago, I'm still writing this, I got non stop reminders of her in my room, razor blade for shaving, perfumes, clothes, trainers, if we really are over, it's gonna be expensive change for me, gotta get new everything,

Help me plzzzz

[Downtown]

Ali, welcome to the LoveShack forum. Thanks for providing us with such a detailed description of what you are dealing with. I agree with you that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., temper tantrums, verbal abuse, black-white thinking, impulsiveness, and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD.

 

I know that it wasn't my ex that's the burden, it's the condition she may have that is the burden.

No, Ali, if she really is a BPDer, the abusive way she speaks to you is not simply "the disorder speaking." Rather, it is YOUR W speaking. She is choosing to speak that way. Moreover, she is choosing to not seek therapy. Hence, to avoid being an enabler, it is important that you hold her fully accountable for her bad choices and nasty behavior. This means you should stop protecting her from the logical consequences of her own behavior. Otherwise, she will have no incentive to confront her issues and learn how to manage them.

 

She hasn't made a effort to go to her doctor n talk about it.

If she is a BPDer as you suspect, her going to a medical doctor is unlikely to help because such doctors are not trained to diagnose BPD and the medicines they prescribe will not make a dent in it. What would be required for substantial improvement would be several years -- at the least -- with a psychologist who has much experience in treating BPDers. Yet, it is extremely unlikely that will ever happen. It is rare -- I would guess perhaps 1 out of a hundred -- for a BPDer to have the self awareness and ego strength necessary to work hard in therapy long enough to make a real difference.

 

My BPDer exW, for example, went to weekly sessions with six different psychologists (and 3 MCs) for 15 years, at enormous cost to me and my insurance carrier -- all to no avail. She simply played mind games with the psychologists and, as soon as they caught on to her game, she would switch to another one.

 

I thought I was the light to her life.

You were, Ali. But, if she is a BPDer, she probably would leave you eventually no matter what you do. As the years go by, the BPDer becomes increasingly resentful of your failure to make her happy -- an impossible task. At the same time, she becomes increasingly fearful of abandonment as she sees her body aging. The result is that BPDer relationships typically last 18 months (at which time the abused partner walks out) or 12 to 15 years (at which time the BPDer leaves for good).

 

If we really are over, it's gonna be expensive change for me, gotta get new everything,

If your W really is a BPDer, this breakup likely is the best thing that's ever happened to you. I've been down the path you were on -- the path taking you to a toxic marriage lasting 15 years -- and I can tell you IT DOES NOT END WELL. For an explanation of why your marriage almost certainly would get much worse, please take a look at my discussion in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Ali.

[AieshaR]

Okay firstly, it's been a week..you need to allow yourself to feel sad and upset. Secondly, I dated a guy exactly like that, where he would be so lovey dovey one day and then break up with me the next, or become distant. No one deserves that shizz man! I dealt with that for 2 years and I constantly had to keep chasing him and showing him that I still care and will always be there for him..but guess what? He KEPT breaking up with me even after I was there for him every single time he did it. I stayed. That was my mistake. I didn't realise that I needed to respect myself, I just kept saying "oh no, he's got depression and bipolar it's okay, it's just a phase". I honestly look back now and think..wtf was I doing. She needs help dude. Like professional help. You seem like a really lovely and caring guy and guys like that deserve the best. Her going clubbing and racking up on coke and asking you to pick her up is so immature. Especially for a girl. When you are with someone, these things need to stop. I think she's liked the single life for a while. The fact that she can be "free". There's nothing you can do about that. What she's doing is disrespectful to you and if that's her happiness..you need to let her be. At least it's no longer your responsibility. I'm again as well so I know exactly what you mean..we don't do **** like that. You need someone who treats you really well and is there for you 100% of the time and realises that you are more important than clubbing. She is still a kid. You need to move on..if she comes back, you need to have enough will power to refrain from getting back with her just because she says she misses you or how much she loves you. It's time to move on! If you have to put THAT much effort in then you are forcing something that is not meant to be..and you need to accept that. You're pretty much asking for a heartbreak. There are a few mistakes you both made..like being with each other 24/7..I know it's a beautiful feeling being with someone you like for all hours of the day, but space is crucial. Especially at work..it's really silly to be with someone all the time. Even married couples aren't. You become so used to having them around that even 10 mins without seeing them or communicating with them is strange. That's not the way to go! Build a strong heart and come to a realisation that what is not meant to be will not be. And what is meant to be will fall into the right place at the right time. You never know, if your ex gets professional help and becomes better within a year then maybe give it another go..but I can tell you from personal experience that it's never gonna work if she doesn't.