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Toxic relationship after 11 years and a child


Miss J-Baking Queen

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Miss J-Baking Queen

Well, it has come to this. I am pouring out my emotions to a forum full of strangers because I truly have nowhere else to turn for any kind of advice.

I have been with the same man for the past 11 years, and we have a beautiful 5 y.o. daughter together. When we first met, it was whirlwind and we moved in together after only 3 months. I got pregnant by accident after only one month and based on many factors, I decided to terminate. He claimed to accept and support the decision at the time, but he still throws it in my face to this day when we argue, 11 years later. We had/have many ups and downs. My parents were not initially supportive of our relationship at all (it's interracial), financial difficulties, and both of us had pretty bad relationships prior to ours together. We have had pretty wild arguments over the years that have gotten physical, but that happens only rarely. During one point after about 3 years together, we were going through a bad, bad patch and I ended up cheating on him, a one-night stand. I felt horrible about it afterward, like sick to my stomach horrible. Here's where I messed up. I lied. I lied to him about what happened that night for 3 years, every time he asked. One day I came clean and told him everything, and he said that he could forgive me eventually and I could earn back my trust. Fast forward 5 years later, he has cheated on me countless times and doesn't try to hide it at all. I have not told him
so
much as a white lie, I'
m
accountable for my whereabouts, and I even forgave him for the initial cheating he did. I just wanted to move forward from all the
BS
and raise our daughter in a happy, loving environment.

 

 

 

For the last week (and randomly whenever he feels like it in the past 5 years), he gets very hostile toward me and tells my daughter things like she's going to get a new mom, that I'
m
fat and obnoxious, that I hinder him from his life (he stays at home with her and I work full time), and that I'll never be more than I am. He'll yell and humiliate me in front of people, calling me a fat whore and whatnot. I'
m
not fat, I only weigh 145 pounds. He tells me that he hates me and that I should move out. He tells me that the women he's cheated on me with have satisfied him more than I ever did. But then he'll change just as quick. He'll be affectionate and considerate, doing little things to make me and our daughter smile. We'll have great sex. He'll tell me that he loves me. He convinced me into moving out of a city I loved to one that I don't like at all with the promise that we would get married when we got here. That was a year ago.

 

 

 

 

 

I am
so
lost. He's financially irresponsible (buys weed and beer instead of food for the house or bills) but blames me for our financial issues. I do not have the money or resources to up and move out and pay for child care. He can be vindictive and has told me that if I weren't here tying him down, he'd move to Florida with our daughter. I'
m
scared of what will happen if I move out and break up, I'
m
also scared of what will happen if I stay. I'
m
already
so
emotionally cut off from people, I physically ache all the time and I have no energy, I don't go out with friends, ever, because he feels like I'
m
already gone enough (to work and back) and he shouldn't be stuck at home with our daughter while I go out and have fun. He goes out when I get home, and last week, he didn't come home until 5:45am. He thinks I sleep with every man (or woman) I work with (I have NOT cheated on him since that one occurrence, 8 1/2 years ago, and I am not bi-sexual), but he had sex with our downstairs neighbor 9 months ago because he said he got sick of my nagging about gas money to get to work. I had to find out through neighborhood gossip.

 

 

 

 

It has been slightly therapeutic letting all of this out. I have never told a soul personal details of our situation,
so
I have never had an opinion based off of someone having all the details and offering me sound advice. This is even a broad-ish overview, but I'
m
desperate.

 

 

Please, if anyone out there has been through anything even remotely like this, please tell me how you dealt/are dealing with it. What were your experiences? What advice can you offer? I'
m
at the end of my rope (not literally, just figuratively) and I don't know how much more of this I can take. We have such good periods in between the
BS
, and I'
m
afraid of the damage to my daughter if I stay or if we go.

 

 

 

 

Thank you
so
much for taking time to offer guidance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Wow, that is toxic. Abusive, more like it.

 

You need to get out now. Don't expose your child to that unhealthy environment. Do you want your child to believe that's how women should be treated in romantic relationships?

 

Nobody who had even an ounce of love or respect for you could ever treat you that way.

 

I got dumped for SOOOOO much less.

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Miss J-Baking Queen
You screwed up you cheated first... Don't care. Karma is a bitch

 

 

 

I can appreciate your opinion, but I cheated after there was an argument and I got my nose broken and my lip busted. And he had numerous very shady situations with females years before that that I ignored because he said he loved me and I was wrong for thinking that. Karma is a bitch. Where's his, because I'm still here and I don't abuse him. I walk on eggshells in my own house and cater to him so that he doesn't blow up and take it out on me.

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I can appreciate your opinion, but I cheated after there was an argument and I got my nose broken and my lip busted. And he had numerous very shady situations with females years before that that I ignored because he said he loved me and I was wrong for thinking that. Karma is a bitch. Where's his, because I'm still here and I don't abuse him. I walk on eggshells in my own house and cater to him so that he doesn't blow up and take it out on me.

 

 

Are you kidding me?

 

Call the f'in police next time.

 

Get him charged, get custody, make him pay support.

 

You hitched your wagon to this pile of sh*t. Time to unhitch it. For your CHILD's SAKE

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Do you have any family that can help you out?

 

Find a way to get away from him, with your daughter, safely. If he is still abusive to you, then call the cops, get a restraining order and get away from him. Go to a shelter for abused women if you have to. Just do what you have to do.

 

I'm not saying it's going to be easy but it has to be done.

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