Should I break NC Under This Circumstance?

[isurvivedyoucantoo]

My ex and I havent spoken in about two months, but recently a hurricane hit Bermuda (where she is from) with another one approaching and I kinda want to make sure that her family is doing ok. She currently is in the states here, so it would be easy to figure out. However, I dont want to cause her more stress by approaching her and asking.....

 

If its relevant: she broke up with me.

[Zahara]

If you have to ask a forum, that would mean that you don't quite trust your own judgment because you may still be emotionally attached. In that sense, you should let it go.

 

It's her family and I am sure they are taking every precaution to stay safe during such times.

 

This is not the first thread of this nature -- see it often on LS and most times it's driven from a place of finding an excuse to break contact.

[tikay00]

Good question. Wouldn't this be a scenario that shows you're at least a kind hearted human being, and she sees that, even though you're under NC?

 

What if she's sitting there like, "I get it, we're doing NC, but if he can't even break it for something as traumatic as this, does he really love me?"

 

I often wonder about these type of scenarios. What if one of her family members is dying? Do you still do NC? What if she's about to have surgery? NC is still NC? And I'm not asking in a condescending way, I really want to know.

[Zahara]

Good question. Wouldn't this be a scenario that shows you're at least a kind hearted human being, and she sees that, even though you're under NC?

 

He doesn't have to break NC to show her that he is a kind hearted person. Hopefully that was exhibited in the relationship. She ended it with him, if anything SHE should have enough sense to know that after a break-up, healing needs to happen and contact may possibly derail or affect the one that is nursing a broken heart.

 

What if she's sitting there like, "I get it, we're doing NC, but if he can't even break it for something as traumatic as this, does he really love me?"

 

She ended it with him so she made the choice to eliminate him from her life. Sitting there and wondering if he still loves her would seem rather selfish.

 

I often wonder about these type of scenarios. What if one of her family members is dying? Do you still do NC? What if she's about to have surgery? NC is still NC? And I'm not asking in a condescending way, I really want to know.

 

If breaking contact affects your healing and moving on, then the best thing to do is to keep pushing forward. You cannot prioritize the emotional health of an ex at the expense of your own. And the best way to stick with NC is to remove yourself completely so you don't have access to what's going on in their life.

 

One should send a simple card or a short message, but if a extending a simple gesture needs help and guidance from a forum, then you most likely aren't ready for contact.

Edited October 15, 2014 by Zahara

[tikay00]

He doesn't have to break NC to show her that he is a kind hearted person. Hopefully that was exhibited in the relationship. She ended it with him, if anything SHE should have enough sense to know that after a break-up, healing needs to happen and contact may possibly derail or affect the one that is nursing a broken heart.

 

 

 

She ended it with him so she made the choice to eliminate him from her life. Sitting there and wondering if he still loves her would seem rather selfish.

 

 

 

If breaking contact affects your healing and moving on, then the best thing to do is to keep pushing forward. You cannot prioritize the emotional health of an ex at the expense of your own. And the best way to stick with NC is to remove yourself completely so you don't have access to what's going on in their life.

 

One should send a simple card or a short message, but if a extending a simple gesture needs help and guidance from a forum, then you most likely aren't ready for contact.

 

Well said. You know when you think you're ready for NC, but then you question certain aspects? I guess I needed that kick in the butt.

[isurvivedyoucantoo]

Well said. You know when you think you're ready for NC, but then you question certain aspects? I guess I needed that kick in the butt.

 

I sent the message prior to reading this thread. I have no regrets about it, just felt like the right thing to do. One thing I'd be weary of is following these rules to the dot, since every scenario is different.

[2blessed2BStressed]

I'm new here but I've been doing a lot of reading on this site lately and finally decided to join. My question relates to this NC topic.. my ex who I have dated for about 4.5 years ended things between us completely about a month ago. We were on and off for a period of time (about 1 year) but would reconcile after dealing with our problems. So before the complete split she kept telling me "I am not ready for a relationship again with you" and after reading I concluded that translated into "I don't want a relationship with you"... While enjoying the gf type treatment but used the "we are friends" speech if anything got serious. So long story short. I decided to go cold as I felt she didn't want to be with me.. she was going off to camp before sept and said she wanted to see me ... so I played it cool and went .. she offered me dinner and we had a good chat ... ended up kissing and stuff. She said it felt like we were back together r. The topic came up of reconciling and she was very open about it. Fast forward ...she came back from camp and we were supposed to meet. While talking on the phone she brought up the reconciliation convo we had and said .. After speaking with a counselor at the camping trip she has decided that she doesn't want to get back together and I shouldn't chase her anymore. So I didn't beg or whine and took it like a man. Chin up. Told her okay.if that's what you want and I immediately went no contact .

 

Fast forward about 20 days of no contact I receive an angry text .. pure emotion ... stating that she's upset with me for cutting her off.. ya da ya da.. then goes on to say she was with me for so long the past year cuz she felt sorry for me ..yada ya da ...saying she needed to get it off her chest to move on ... I didn't reply and deleted the messages..now here I am 10 days after pondering all day on the messages .. now I feel as though I want to reply back to her with a piece of my mind ... friends said to be the bigger person and remain no contact. I still love this girl . What do you guys suggest I do?

[Zahara]

R

I sent the message prior to reading this thread. I have no regrets about it, just felt like the right thing to do. One thing I'd be weary of is following these rules to the dot, since every scenario is different.

 

It's funny how dumpees will ask the question, receive advice that goes against their intent because dumpees already know what they are going to do and then respond with "every circumstance is different" to justify breaking NC.

 

Trust your own judgment moving forward. I hope you get the results that you want and that her family is safe. But understand that you cannot keep checking up on her when these things happen. What if there's another hurricane next week? Text again? What if you don't hear back, are you going to worry that something happened to her? Text again?

 

There comes a time when you have to let go and heal. She has friends, family, relatives that are there to support her and get through this. The best thing you can do is keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers as you move on from this.

Edited October 16, 2014 by Zahara

[BC1980]

I sent the message prior to reading this thread. I have no regrets about it, just felt like the right thing to do. One thing I'd be weary of is following these rules to the dot, since every scenario is different.

 

Be careful with the idea that every scenario is different. We like to think we are special, but I've yet to see any circumstances on LS that don't boil down to the same thing. It doesn't really matter what the surface reason is for breaking NC, it's usually an attempt to keep a foothold or hang onto something that is no longer there. It's better to just cut the person off completely because you could come up with any reason to break NC if you tried hard enough.

 

In the long run, it's better for you not to keep in contact, and I think it would be incredibly selfish of a dumper to expect contact after a breakup. I doubt she expects any contact at all and is not as concerned with it as you are. I mean, can you imagind her sitting there and thinking, I wish EX would contact me because of the hurricane? I doubt it, and the contact night even be unwelcome.

[xUnknown]

now I feel as though I want to reply back to her with a piece of my mind ... friends said to be the bigger person and remain no contact. I still love this girl . What do you guys suggest I do?

 

Don't say anything. Be the bigger person. She said those things to get a rise out of you because she wanted you to respond. She wanted to know she was still on your mind. Stay NC and listen to your friends.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I sent the message prior to readding this thread. I have no regrets about it, just felt like the right thing to do. One thing I'd be weary of is following these rules to the dot, since every scenario is different.

 

If i had a nickel for every time a new user said " every scenario is different", I could retire witha beach house in the Hamptons.

 

It was a dumb idea to text. You did it for your benefit and wanted a reaction. You're not the first and wont be the last.

[organizedchaos]

I sent the message prior to reading this thread. I have no regrets about it, just felt like the right thing to do. One thing I'd be weary of is following these rules to the dot, since every scenario is different.

 

Did she respond?

[BC1980]

Did she respond?

 

My guess is that she will respond with some type of neutral text, which will upset the OP even more.

[BC1980]

I'm new here but I've been doing a lot of reading on this site lately and finally decided to join. My question relates to this NC topic.. my ex who I have dated for about 4.5 years ended things between us completely about a month ago. We were on and off for a period of time (about 1 year) but would reconcile after dealing with our problems. So before the complete split she kept telling me "I am not ready for a relationship again with you" and after reading I concluded that translated into "I don't want a relationship with you"... While enjoying the gf type treatment but used the "we are friends" speech if anything got serious. So long story short. I decided to go cold as I felt she didn't want to be with me.. she was going off to camp before sept and said she wanted to see me ... so I played it cool and went .. she offered me dinner and we had a good chat ... ended up kissing and stuff. She said it felt like we were back together r. The topic came up of reconciling and she was very open about it. Fast forward ...she came back from camp and we were supposed to meet. While talking on the phone she brought up the reconciliation convo we had and said .. After speaking with a counselor at the camping trip she has decided that she doesn't want to get back together and I shouldn't chase her anymore. So I didn't beg or whine and took it like a man. Chin up. Told her okay.if that's what you want and I immediately went no contact .

 

Fast forward about 20 days of no contact I receive an angry text .. pure emotion ... stating that she's upset with me for cutting her off.. ya da ya da.. then goes on to say she was with me for so long the past year cuz she felt sorry for me ..yada ya da ...saying she needed to get it off her chest to move on ... I didn't reply and deleted the messages..now here I am 10 days after pondering all day on the messages .. now I feel as though I want to reply back to her with a piece of my mind ... friends said to be the bigger person and remain no contact. I still love this girl . What do you guys suggest I do?

 

You will get responses if you make your own thread.

[Natsu21]

I tried what you did, OP.

 

There's plenty of people who I don't check up, usually I don't care about what they do, and the same with me.

 

Trust me, this isn't more of you being a kind person than you missing your ex and wanting contact. I've seen this play out. You want to contact her to "check up on her" you'll hope she responds and says she misses you, you use this as an excuse to try to start up a conversation in hopes you get back together, and then..

 

You get crushed when she brushes off the conversation.

 

Sorry dude, do like Frozen and let it go.

[tikay00]

I sent the message prior to reading this thread. I have no regrets about it, just felt like the right thing to do. One thing I'd be weary of is following these rules to the dot, since every scenario is different.

 

Edit: Upon reading other posters comments, take what I said back. NC, bro.

[tikay00]

I tried what you did, OP.

 

There's plenty of people who I don't check up, usually I don't care about what they do, and the same with me.

 

Trust me, this isn't more of you being a kind person than you missing your ex and wanting contact. I've seen this play out. You want to contact her to "check up on her" you'll hope she responds and says she misses you, you use this as an excuse to try to start up a conversation in hopes you get back together, and then..

 

You get crushed when she brushes off the conversation.

 

Sorry dude, do like Frozen and let it go.

 

What if in my scenario, the ex wants to stay in each others lives, and I'm the one that said NC so I can heal.

[BC1980]

What if in my scenario, the ex wants to stay in each others lives, and I'm the one that said NC so I can heal.

 

It's good that you recognize you need NC to heal. When a dumper wants to stay in contact, it's not about wanting to get back together. Often times, the dumper will do it out of guilt or to soften the blow. I think a lot of people feel bad enough about breaking someone's heart, so it's even more difficult to completely cut the person off. The dumper is probably relieved if you choose NC. The dumper wants to keep you at a distance emotionally but also wants to keep you on good terms. I'm not saying it's always malicious, but that's usually the end result.

 

Something else you need to consider is that the dumper is not as affected emotionally as the dumpee. The dumper can oftentimes handle the contact because they have emotionally detached months before the actual breakup. Their feelings have obviously changed, so they can be "just friends," and it's no big deal. If you stay in your ex's life, they will assume you can handle being in contact.

[tikay00]

It's good that you recognize you need NC to heal. When a dumper wants to stay in contact, it's not about wanting to get back together. Often times, the dumper will do it out of guilt or to soften the blow. I think a lot of people feel bad enough about breaking someone's heart, so it's even more difficult to completely cut the person off. The dumper is probably relieved if you choose NC. The dumper wants to keep you at a distance emotionally but also wants to keep you on good terms. I'm not saying it's always malicious, but that's usually the end result.

 

Something else you need to consider is that the dumper is not as affected emotionally as the dumpee. The dumper can oftentimes handle the contact because they have emotionally detached months before the actual breakup. Their feelings have obviously changed, so they can be "just friends," and it's no big deal. If you stay in your ex's life, they will assume you can handle being in contact.

 

Wow, that's all I needed to hear. SO TRUE......

 

Yeah, she said I need to take her fear away, because she's afraid I'll break her heart again (WTF, you broke up with me!!! ), but even if she's being 100% honest, I just can't handle the contact, because of the emotions I still have.

 

I posted a thread about her TUMBLR post immediately after I said NC for my own sanity, and here it is. Tell me if it's bread crumbs. Hell, you might have actually posted in that thread, I don't know.

 

 

Tumblr Post:

 

"I haven't fallen out of love with you. I still am in love with you. I am just scared of letting you back in, and then getting hurt again. I was hurt too many times, and I'm just scared of risking it all over again. Which is why I was going to give you that chance to earn back my trust. But I feel like you were trying to say either I have to take you back right this minute, or we're nothing. My love for you has not died. But the fear I have is so strong right now. I need to get my mind right, if you're already over me by that point then I can't do anything about that. But as of right now, I don't want to act on anything, knowing how scared I am, because then I could possibly end up flaking on you because of the fear I have. I don't want to do that to you. I was willing to let you prove to me that I can trust you again, and possibly take away that fear I have. But I can't act on the current feelings I have and just take you back right now, because it wouldn't be completely real."

[Natsu21]

Wow, that's all I needed to hear. SO TRUE......

 

Yeah, she said I need to take her fear away, because she's afraid I'll break her heart again (WTF, you broke up with me!!! ), but even if she's being 100% honest, I just can't handle the contact, because of the emotions I still have.

 

I posted a thread about her TUMBLR post immediately after I said NC for my own sanity, and here it is. Tell me if it's bread crumbs. Hell, you might have actually posted in that thread, I don't know.

 

 

Tumblr Post:

 

"I haven't fallen out of love with you. I still am in love with you. I am just scared of letting you back in, and then getting hurt again. I was hurt too many times, and I'm just scared of risking it all over again. Which is why I was going to give you that chance to earn back my trust. But I can't act on the current feelings I have and just take you back right now, because it wouldn't be completely real."

 

This^ This right here. Is breadcrumbs. She said that she can't take you back right now because it isn't real. Listen to her. She means she doesn't love you anymore.

 

In fact, I've heard that line so many times. I've seen that line pulled on my pals so many times. Guess what each of them had in common?

 

Someone else. Go NC before you find out there's someone else on the radar and you'll be hurt again.

[tikay00]

This^ This right here. Is breadcrumbs. She said that she can't take you back right now because it isn't real. Listen to her. She means she doesn't love you anymore.

 

In fact, I've heard that line so many times. I've seen that line pulled on my pals so many times. Guess what each of them had in common?

 

Someone else. Go NC before you find out there's someone else on the radar and you'll be hurt again.

 

Edit: But she says she hasn't fallen out of love, and she still loves me. Is that bread crumbs as well, and I have to really read between the lines?

 

Been 3 days NC since we I told her NC. She's the one that keeps contacting me though. All bread crumbs, and I even asked her where this was going. I felt like it was some elaborate friend zone for life scheme, and in the end she'll say, "you know what, the best thing to do is be friends." Or, "I met someone that I'm truly compatiable with, I'm sorry, I can't contact you anymore."

 

And yes, that would take me back to square 1, and in a worse place. Thank you for putting my frame of mind back in check. People already told me it was bread crumbs, but you know when you just want 1 person to tell you it's not. LOL, basically everyone's telling me it's bread crumbs. So now I fully know to move on, and not for her to change her heart, but for me.

 

And she even told me she has no one else to talk to about her family issues, the 2nd time she broke NC the last time we talked. She says there is no other guy, but what do I know? And she said her best friend is busy with her BF, so I was the only one, and she was suicidal about family issues? Was it just a cry for attention, and to see how I'd react to her?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Edit: But she says she hasn't fallen out of love, and she still loves me. Is that bread crumbs as well, and I have to really read between the lines?

 

Been 3 days NC since we I told her NC. She's the one that keeps contacting me though. All bread crumbs, and I even asked her where this was going. I felt like it was some elaborate friend zone for life scheme, and in the end she'll say, "you know what, the best thing to do is be friends." Or, "I met someone that I'm truly compatiable with, I'm sorry, I can't contact you anymore."

 

And yes, that would take me back to square 1, and in a worse place. Thank you for putting my frame of mind back in check. People already told me it was bread crumbs, but you know when you just want 1 person to tell you it's not. LOL, basically everyone's telling me it's bread crumbs. So now I fully know to move on, and not for her to change her heart, but for me.

 

And she even told me she has no one else to talk to about her family issues, the 2nd time she broke NC the last time we talked. She says there is no other guy, but what do I know? And she said her best friend is busy with her BF, so I was the only one, and she was suicidal about family issues? Was it just a cry for attention, and to see how I'd react to her?

 

Breadcrumb 1000 percent. If she cared about you and meant all those things, she would be with you. Its all lip service.

[tikay00]

Breadcrumb 1000 percent. If she cared about you and meant all those things, she would be with you. Its all lip service.

 

I need people like you.

 

Keep me strong, people!!!

 

Seriously, if it weren't for sites like this, I'd have already called her by now, and probably been her doormat with the hope of future reconciliation (but that's the thing, maybe she's being real! BUT, my gut tells me you're right, and they always say to follow your gut in matters of love). I literally was about to call or text once I saw that, and ask her what's up, but then posted here, and saved myself the going back on my NC stance, and making myself look like a wishy washy, unsure man to her.

 

You guys are life savers.

Edited October 16, 2014 by tikay00

[Natsu21]

I need people like you.

 

Keep me strong, people!!!

 

Seriously, if it weren't for sites like this, I'd have already called her by now, and probably been her doormat with the hope of future reconciliation. I literally was about to call or text once I saw that, and ask her what's up, but then posted here, and saved myself the going back on my NC stance, and making myself look like a wishy washy, unsure man to her.

 

You guys are life savers.

 

You have to understand this is life.

 

My ex said the same thing, but what she displayed wasn't love, it was fear of being alone.

 

That's why she tried to keep on every relationship she could find. She said she was in love with me, but she wasn't with me. She was with him.

 

She's thinking about herself. She doesn't love you. She loves herself. If she loved you, there would be NO doubt in her mind she would want to be with you.

 

Rule: watch what they do, not what they say.

[Natsu21]

Besides, the only reason she's saying these things is because she's with another guy, but she's hiding it because obviously, she's not sure if he wants to commit or not. But she does. And until he does, she needs a branch to swing back to.

 

Monkeybranching. Classic young girl behavior. Learn from it cause it's going to be happening to you a lot at your age.