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Can't forget my first love


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For some reason I cant forget my first love. We dated but he wouldn't commit because of timing. We had some great times together. I hate bad timing. He was the first guy I was serious about and truly liked so much to want to be in a relationship. I had guys pursue me before but I just don't like them and end up dumping them. I have dated other people since my first love but I just keep coming back to him. I am very inexperienced and maybe because I opened up to him and let him in is why I am so attached. I am also very shy and inexperienced sexually and I got close to my first love. We didn't have sex because I wanted a boyfriend, but we got close and did some other things that were new to me. New and fun and exciting and passionate. I just always have him on my mind and I don't know what to do.

 

 

I don't know what happened. We dated on and off for about 6 months. We had our ups and downs because he was afraid of a relationship. He had been broken up with previously and he wasn't expecting it and he was still pretty hurt. Some times he seemed all into me and he told me I had all traits he looks for in a woman. And other times he felt distant and cold. I would strive to seek reassurance at this point, sometimes it would make me a bit crazy. We had many conversations about us and our future. He claimed he wasn't in the right position to be in a relationship but he isn't ruling it out for the future. He said he could see himself with someone like me in the end. He told me maybe I needed more time dating since I hadn't dated a lot of men, just to be sure. He told me he thought about lying to me and telling me he didn't like me so I would move on because he knew I wanted a boyfriend, but he said I was so sweet and honest and he couldn't lie to me. He said that he felt he could be more capable in the future and he knows he could be a great boyfriend. He wanted to get his life in order, get a car, job, move out of his parents place. He said he hopes he wakes up when his life is better and he realizes he needs me and he said he will come for me and make it known, whether I am with someone or not. He said he had such a hard time staying away from me. After all of this I tried to treat him like a friend, but he would continue to associate with me and flirt and kiss me. There were times I treated him as a friend since he made it clear he wasn't ready and he would break the barrier into more than friends. He kept telling me I was perfect and I didn't even realize how much. He told me I reminded him of his mother in all good ways and that his family would love me.

 

But we continued to be on and off. I got into a car accident and was badly injured. I couldn't walk on one leg. He came to see me. He was so sweet and nice. I thought things were looking up. After that I didn't hear from him for weeks. I called him one night when I was upset because I needed his support. I had fallen that day and I was struggling even more than when he had seen me. I did whine a bit, but I wanted his sympathy. I had to quit the sports I love, and I might never be able to play. He had suffered with medical issues himself so I figured he would understand. He gave me advice, get a wheelchair etc... and tried to make me laugh but I felt it lacked emotion. I told him I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. He chastised me for not taking his advice. I told him I already tried all of those things and I called him because I needed him. We ended on good terms but things fizzled out. He texted me a few weeks later with something random. I didn't respond hoping he would reach out again. He didn't. No call. Nothing. 6 months went by of no contact. Until he finally commented on something on my social media. We went back and forth casually and that was it. Then a month ago I reached out through text message. We were going to meet up but my work schedule got changed and I had to cancel. He told me he got a car so was more able to meet up with me. He was working on a job. We haven't spoken since. He has liked some things I put on facebook and I liked some of his. But that's it. I miss him. But I am too afraid to put myself out there again. I fought for us before and he left. I wish he would realize and come to me. From what I see he isn't seeing anyone else.

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I tried. I tried so hard. All while we were going steady I tried to do everything right. It was always him holding back. I would make his favorite foods or want to see him everyday. I miss him now but he doesn't make an effort to call or see me. He just stopped and I was so sick of being the one to go after him I stopped too. I wish he could see what he is missing. I don't feel I should chase him. I'm not saying he did nothing for me. While we dated on and off for so many months I was in theatre and dance. I had a big recital and he had helped me cut some music. The show was coming up fast and I didn't know if he was going to come. The morning of the show he texted me saying he wasn't coming I sent back a sad face and asked why. Then he felt bad and said he would be there. He showed up and sat with my family and friends. My mother said he kept asking about me and was on the edge of his seat watching me. He texted me in between numbers and told me how great I did. It was so cute. He came back after to celebrate with us and he laughed with my family. After they left he was all over me kissing me and telling me how wonderful I was. I loved this guy. And he showed he cared. He told me he was unsure about coming to begin with because he couldn't get flowers from his mom in time and she didn't want to mail them because they would get ruined. It was cutem but all words. I never got flowers. Which is stupid. I dont care about things. But one minute he would be telling me how great I was and kissing me a the next he would be telling me he wasn't ready for a relationship and being distant. The whole hot and cold things. All the time. He wasn't over his ex. He needed time. I gave him that. But then he would pull me back in. And I oukd get confused and attached and then he would drop me. I want him back though. I have dated other guys and he is just the best.

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I am all for people giving positive advice freely. But the difference between my guy leaving me and me dumping other men. I tell them asap. I don't hang on for more than 6 months. If I see a little chemistry I will let them have a week or two and if I don't like them, I dump them free and clear. And guess what almost all of them are friends with me still. My guy dated me for more than 6 months on and off and would blow hot and cold. He said things that were way too genuine and romantic and strung me along with his words. We had chemistry and he would constantly pull away. I didn't do any of these things to guys I have dated. I cant help it if I don't like them. I don't. But I try not to hurt them, and the fact that many of them are still friends of mine shows that I didn't hurt them. My guy claimed to not want to hurt me etc etc...well I'm hurt. I'm heartbroken. I cared so much and felt so strongly about he and I together I gave everything I had. I rarely ever do this. He is the first one and there was only one other. I want us to be together, but I know if I talk to him and he hasn't changed his mind I will be broken all over again. I wish he would come for me like he claimed he hoped to do. I think he and I could be awesome together. The great times we had were so amazing. Passionate, romantic, and wonderful. Memories I have never had since from anyone. I didn't have sex with him because for one, I am a virgin, and two I really want a boyfriend who I know wont run away right after. I want to know someone truly cares. I think I carry myself with class and intelligence. I sometimes regret not sleeping with my guy because he and I got close many times, and I definitely wanted to but I wanted more from him. He even told me how he planned this amazing first time for him and an e girlfriend of his and it was so romantic and wonderful and he told me I deserved something like that, but I never got it. Or anything close to it. I always felt down on his priority list. He and I fooled around a bit and one time got carried away and he went down on me, but otherwise no sex. It scares me that its what he wanted but why stay for over 6 months, makes no sense. And he never pressured me either. Idk I need to move on and keep my head held high.

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The thing with it all is. I don't want to move on. I want him. But I feel I have to move on at this point. Its my only option. I miss him everyday. But it's been so long since I have seen him in person. A year actually. Its just I miss him terribly and I wish he would love me and I wish we could get back together so badly but I feel If he wanted me he would have tried harder. He said so many things that were so genuine and sweet. I don't understand how you could say those things and share so many good moments with me and then not want to he with me. I understand his life was not in the shape he wanted. And he was still getting over an ex. I should have seen red age when he brought he up often. But why so long stringing me along and then nothing. How could he let me go. I know maybe I was upset and crazy during that phone call but I felt abandoned by his lack of concern for me and my injury. And when he tested me weeks later and I didnt respond I figured he would have tried harder to get in touch with me. He didn't call or text again. He came to town many times and didn't even come to see me. It hurts a lot. At this point I want him to come for me. I pray everyday he shows up at my door as he realized. But alas I am alone. Because he blew hot and cold some times he wasn't great but I saw a great guy some other time. Funny and charming and engaging and passionate and likable. He was a know it all and sexual and dignified. I loved it. He said I was perfect and the nicest person in the works. He told me I was beautiful and I believed him because he got to know me real well. I just feel like I am reverting back to when we first sort of got distant. I am so sad everyday. And force myself to move on. I tried to open the line of communication a month ago to break the ice for us. And he responded more than I imagined. But I haven't heard from him since. It hurts so much. I wish I could tell him all this. But I feel I would come across like a crazy desperate girl who can't let go. The thought of him and I never talking ever again hurts so bad.

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ConfusedHumanBeing

Why do some people answer questions on these treads so definitively as if they think they know more than anyone else?

Edited by ConfusedHumanBeing
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