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She broke no contact wishing to work out a solution at work, should I reply?


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Hi there.

 

There is this girl that broke up with me over the summer. We officially dated for about 2 months, before she broke it off in early august after we had kissed (apperently I was "too good of a friend", and she had problems dating me since I had had an affair with a friend of her a year ago). While I initially resisted her offer of friendship, we ended up seeing each other more and more as she kept giving me niblets of hope by texting me a lot (even late at night with pictures of herself), sometimes holding hands and stroking me (we did this while dating), while at the same time dating a guy that I know well from university and keeping it a secret from me (all of us attend the same programme). I established no contact almost immediately 10 days ago (after having sent a long angry message to her for keeping me close and abusing my feelings for her, feeding me hope and then breaking the news on her new date to me after we had just had a dinner with wine that I prepared for her). As I got a new job the other day however (she already works there, coincidentally only), we will unfortunately be seeing each other frequently from now on.

 

However, I am now 10 days into no contact, having deleted her from facebook, including all her texts and phone number, and yesterday I walked past her on the road on my way home. I did not say anything, but just gave a quick nod and continued to walk home. She then sent me a huge text about 20 minutes later, saying that she had been trying to give me space by staying away from the university (we attend the same programme), and that she basically "wanted to reply with a thousand words" on the rather harsh final message I sent her on facebook on Sunday a week ago. She wanted to say that our new situation at work is going to be pretty awkward due to the circumstances, and wants to meet up for a cup of coffee to work out how to deal with the situation to save "us" from any awkward situations. Her text did however not contain any apologies of any sort, which made me a bit angry to say the least.

 

I know the no contact rule is usually supposed to be enforced rather strict, but should I break no contact and answer her text on the offer to discuss how we should approach our work situation? I do not intend to have any coffee with her as she would probably just say a lot of things I don't want to hear, but should I at least answer and say that we should keep a professional tone at work, or just ignore her text altogether? (If so, my plan is to only talk to her at work if she approaches me first, and keeping the topic about work only.)

 

PS: I am hoping to win this girl back (if that changes anything on how I should enforce no contact).

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No. She's done. She only wants you to act professional with her at work, which you should do and she should also do. If you don't want to meet with her, then just tell her you will be polite to her at work and not cause her any problems if she will do the same. If you hit on her one more time, she now has grounds to complain about it, so you really should maintain no contact and professionalism at work now.

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Reply with, "I'm good with it. If you're uncomfortable, find somewhere else to work."

 

This is the correct response.

 

You do NOT get back with this girl.

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IMO.. if you only dated for 2 months then you need to get over it and not let this ruin any professional relationship you both may have..

If you can't.. in the end you will lose as the relationship wasn't long enough to cause this much drama at work and any management will not look favorably on you for not being able to get over it.

 

Keep it all in perspective.... 60 days.. just 2 billing cycles of your cell phone.. is that worth all the drama ?..

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Firstly, I wouldn't take someone back that two-timed me.

 

Secondly, no contact is not for winning someone back, it's for moving over them so you might be doing this the wrong way.

 

Thirdly, I used to see someone I work with and we have very little contact outside a project we both work on about 2-3 days a month. It can be all conducted via email, etc no need for anything more personal. (It's another thing that it took time to get there for various reasons. It can be done though!!!)

 

Just tell her that you will be professional, all communications and work together will be fine and there is no need for a coffee. End of story.

 

I'm sure you can find someone that doesn't lie like this one. Doesn't sound much of a catch to me.

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Just tell her that you will be professional, all communications and work together will be fine and there is no need for a coffee. End of story.

 

I'm sure you can find someone that doesn't lie like this one. Doesn't sound much of a catch to me.

 

Thank you for the reply. I responded to her text earlier today, saying that I will keep it professional and that i hope she can do the same, but I added that I was sorry for the long and angry message I sent her on the night she broke the news to me, but that I reckon that she understood why I wrote it. Perhaps the addition was unnecessary, but I am really hurt by how she didn't mind being cuddled by him in front of me only a week after our breakup, then later bringing him along for things that we had planned as "friends". I feel a bit stupid for semi-apologizing though, which I hate myself a bit for now.

 

Having some serious ups and down these days, with far more downs than ups. This is probably because while we only dated officially for two months, I have liked this girl for almost a year and we had lots of contact before our dating period also, some of it involving flirting.

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Thank you for the reply. I responded to her text earlier today, saying that I will keep it professional and that i hope she can do the same, but I added that I was sorry for the long and angry message I sent her on the night she broke the news to me, but that I reckon that she understood why I wrote it. Perhaps the addition was unnecessary, but I am really hurt by how she didn't mind being cuddled by him in front of me only a week after our breakup, then later bringing him along for things that we had planned as "friends". I feel a bit stupid for semi-apologizing though, which I hate myself a bit for now.

 

Having some serious ups and down these days, with far more downs than ups. This is probably because while we only dated officially for two months, I have liked this girl for almost a year and we had lots of contact before our dating period also, some of it involving flirting.

Understand fully. She is clueless idiot, hope you find a better one.

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Firstly, I wouldn't take someone back that two-timed me.

 

Secondly, no contact is not for winning someone back, it's for moving over them so you might be doing this the wrong way.

 

I'm sure you can find someone that doesn't lie like this one. Doesn't sound much of a catch to me.

 

I hope you're right, as I'm starting to realize that I need no contact for my own well-being instead. Having deleted her as a friend on facebook, I still check out what shes up to and whether she goes to the same events as this other class"mate" of mine, which she does. I'm considering to block her fully soon.

 

Thing is though, while she did these things after our breakup, she stated that she only wanted to be friends on more than one occasion, yet I feel that her actions were sending mixed signals, as well as her behaviour with this guy is inexcusable in front of me even if she just wanted to be friends. This makes it really difficult for me, as she thereby implicitly shifts the blame over to me for not realizing that we were just "friends", and makes me feel like I'm portrayed as an overreacting villain that doesn't take a no for an answer..

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Dude, don't meet up for coffee to discuss a plan to make work less awkward for "us". What she REALLY means is to make it less awkward for "her". If she feels slighted or uncomfortable, then that's HER problem, not yours.

 

 

She threw you to the curb and now she's trying to dictate what YOU should or shouldn't do to make her feel uncomfortable? Dude, you don't owe her a damn thing. She gave you up; therefore, she gave up the right to ask you to do anything for her anymore. You are no longer obligated to her.

 

 

Ignore the "coffee" request and go about your day. If she's uncomfortable, then that's her bag, not yours.

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Reply with, "I'm good with it. If you're uncomfortable, find somewhere else to work."

 

 

 

 

^ this.

 

 

show complete indifference even if its killing you.

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Did you ever ask her to be exclusive? If so, then she "cheated" on you. If you never had the discussion, she was free to see whomever she wished. Oftentimes, one person, after a certain amount of time, which varies of course according to the person, commits themselves to that person or simply assumes and gets comfortable that the other person is committed as well. Without that discussion, it's not clear.

 

Either way, she's moved on. You don't want her back PERIOD.

 

You do not need to respond to her at all. Just remain professional at work. If she confronts you, tell her that you and she are simply employees of the same company and that you will conduct yourself professionally and courteously going forward and that you expect her to do the same.

Edited by Redhead14
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Did you ever ask her to be exclusive? If so, then she "cheated" on you. If you never had the discussion, she was free to see whomever she wished. Oftentimes, one person, after a certain amount of time, which varies of course according to the person, commits themselves to that person or simply assumes and gets comfortable that the other person is committed as well. Without that discussion, it's not clear.

 

Either way, she's moved on. You don't want her back PERIOD.

 

You do not need to respond to her at all. Just remain professional at work. If she confronts you, tell her that you and she are simply employees of the same company and that you will conduct yourself professionally and courteously going forward and that you expect her to do the same.

 

I already responded this morning though. We did not have an "exclisivity" talk as dating here in Norway doesn't work like that. Exclusivity is more or less assumed since "dating" means something more than just meeting up twice a week for something fun to do. I guess this is a cultural difference.

 

It should also be mentioned that she started seeing this guy after our breakup, but that she began dating him about a week after the breakup even though I stated a couple of days before that I would have problems with a mutual friendship if she did something like that before I had gotten over her, which in my case would take a while. I feel like an idiot for having accepted this friendship now, as I originally wanted no contact for myself so that I could focus on my thesis, but she kept coming by to talk to me anyway. And then she started doing that stuff at a party a few days later..

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I already responded to her message this morning though, stating that I expect us two to have a professional tone at work (I regret it now, since your responses here give me confidence that she wasn't being considerate with me and frankly conducted bad behaviour).

We did not have an "exclisivity" talk as dating here in Norway doesn't work like that. Exclusivity is more or less assumed since "dating" means something more than just meeting up twice a week for something fun to do, and dating multiple people at the same time is not normal. It is a more committing thing than in the states, but short of a true relationship. I guess this is a cultural difference.

 

It should also be mentioned that she started seeing this guy after our breakup, but that she began dating him about a week after the breakup even though I stated a couple of days before (we had a post-breakup talk that she really wanted and which I tried to avoid) that I would have problems with a mutual friendship if she did something like that before I had gotten over her, which in my case would take a while. I feel like an idiot for having accepted this friendship now (she said it was really important to her), as I originally wanted no contact for myself so that I could focus on my thesis, but she kept coming by to talk to me anyway. And then she started doing that stuff at a party a few days later, while being a really close "friend" who showered me with attention every time I went cold to heal. That's why I believed she still wanted to keep the possibility of us dating open, especially since she sent me texts that she probably would never have sent even to her girl friends (wanting to have a walk with me or watch movies together since she was sad after her dog died), as well as pictures of herself at 4 am when she was really drunk.

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Oh well. So you added a little "poor me/apology" to the reply, it's not the worst thing in the world. You can't take it back, so just walk forward and forget about it. Tons of people have done a lot worse.

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Thank you mightycpa, I try to remind myself of that every now and then, but it's difficult since the way she handled the post-breakup phase really hurt my feelings. I think I'm definitely in for a couple of rough weeks/months at work, but I'll try to occupy myself as much as possible with work and only talk to her politely if its absolutely necessary and work-related.

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I already responded this morning though. We did not have an "exclisivity" talk as dating here in Norway doesn't work like that. Exclusivity is more or less assumed since "dating" means something more than just meeting up twice a week for something fun to do. I guess this is a cultural difference.

 

It should also be mentioned that she started seeing this guy after our breakup, but that she began dating him about a week after the breakup even though I stated a couple of days before that I would have problems with a mutual friendship if she did something like that before I had gotten over her, which in my case would take a while. I feel like an idiot for having accepted this friendship now, as I originally wanted no contact for myself so that I could focus on my thesis, but she kept coming by to talk to me anyway. And then she started doing that stuff at a party a few days later..

 

Ok, culture difference aside then. You are not an idiot and you can re-implement no contact and stick to it. Again, if she confronts you at work, be direct and clear about professionalism, etc.

 

And her dating him a week after the break up really means she was likely in touch with or seeing him before that. Even if you think you want her back and could forgive her, I promise you would always have that in the back of your head. Trust has been broken. The issue will haunt you. Best of luck with all this.

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Even if you think you want her back and could forgive her, I promise you would always have that in the back of your head. Trust has been broken. The issue will haunt you. Best of luck with all this.

 

Thank you for your kind reply. :o

I have a real problem with trust issues though, as I have had several bad dating experiences that were almost always initiated by the girl, and which has often left me devastated for a long time to come. This has lead to a strong anxiety over girls not wanting or liking me, and I told her about this as we started dating so as to be open with her about my issues with trust (I basically dont open up to anyone, but once I trust someone and do I am very loyal both as a friend and boyfriend) and especially over my fear of getting dumped out of the blue, or for someone else. She has now done both to me, as the first breakup was like a bolt from the sky, and the second time I took it so personally since it made me feel inferior and less desirable than the other guy.

 

I hope this won't cause future problems with trust, as I really really want to meet someone in my life but never seem to be able to do so..

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Thank you for your kind reply. :o

I have a real problem with trust issues though, as I have had several bad dating experiences that were almost always initiated by the girl, and which has often left me devastated for a long time to come. This has lead to a strong anxiety over girls not wanting or liking me, and I told her about this as we started dating so as to be open with her about my issues with trust (I basically dont open up to anyone, but once I trust someone and do I am very loyal both as a friend and boyfriend) and especially over my fear of getting dumped out of the blue, or for someone else. She has now done both to me, as the first breakup was like a bolt from the sky, and the second time I took it so personally since it made me feel inferior and less desirable than the other guy.

 

I hope this won't cause future problems with trust, as I really really want to meet someone in my life but never seem to be able to do so..

 

Being aware of that issue in yourself is the first step. You cannot carry over past hurts into current/future dates/relationships. You must process them before you continue. Assuming/expecting, even on a subconscious level, that you can't trust people is going to show up one way or another. That doesn't mean you should blindly accept that they are trustworthy, they must first do something that makes you distrust them. As soon as that happens, you need to address it immediately. If it is just something that you "think" they are doing that makes them untrustworthy, ask them in a non-confrontational/diplomatic/not obvious way (I mean don't be accusatory) what's what, get clarification. If they did something that indeed makes them untrustworthy, move on, then and there. Close that chapter.

 

Sometimes a person simply "perceives" something that isn't really there and blows it out of proportion. This is all probably something you already know is the way to handle it but don't consciously apply to situations.

 

All the best to you.

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That doesn't mean you should blindly accept that they are trustworthy, they must first do something that makes you distrust them. As soon as that happens, you need to address it immediately. If it is just something that you "think" they are doing that makes them untrustworthy, ask them in a non-confrontational/diplomatic/not obvious way (I mean don't be accusatory) what's what, get clarification. If they did something that indeed makes them untrustworthy, move on, then and there. Close that chapter.

 

Thank you for some great advice, even though I don't know how to close this chapter right now. When I see myself in third person now, it's clear that I am reacting very badly in a way that I haven't felt for years, despite our dating period being rather short (my last breakup with a girlfriend wasn't even as bad as this, and we had moved in together even). I don't like the person I've turned into now, and I can't properly understand what caused me to sink this deep after the breakup. It baffles me.

 

Applying your advice to my situation, do you believe I should have closed off our "friendship chapter" immediately the first time she openly allowed herself to cuddled in front of me? (Despite our breakup just having been a week earlier with and with me telling her that I would be very uncomfortable being her friend at this stage in case she ever did that, which she then did a few days later.)

I must admit that even while I did tell her I was disappointed in her, I did not dare to cut off contact at that point since I felt I needed to fight on to keep her, which later also prevented me from presenting an ultimatum before she broke the news to me on her new guy.

 

I'm asking because I sometimes get so insecure that I don't dare to act when stuff happens that I in retrospect never should have allowed to happen to me if I had just been "tougher" on her nonsense. I get a lot of conflicting opinions on this, with some people telling me I should try to act like I'm very fine and be friendly to her to save our friendship and possibly reignite her interest, while others like you say that the chapter should be closed off. Really struggling to know how to cope right now, as I kind of want her back (which means I should stay positive and friendly), and at the same time I really start to hate her for how she treated my feelings in the post-breakup phase (which means I should use NC to heal myself first most and close that chapter as soon as possible).

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Thank you for some great advice, even though I don't know how to close this chapter right now. When I see myself in third person now, it's clear that I am reacting very badly in a way that I haven't felt for years, despite our dating period being rather short (my last breakup with a girlfriend wasn't even as bad as this, and we had moved in together even). I don't like the person I've turned into now, and I can't properly understand what caused me to sink this deep after the breakup. It baffles me.

 

Applying your advice to my situation, do you believe I should have closed off our "friendship chapter" immediately the first time she openly allowed herself to cuddled in front of me? (Despite our breakup just having been a week earlier with and with me telling her that I would be very uncomfortable being her friend at this stage in case she ever did that, which she then did a few days later.)

I must admit that even while I did tell her I was disappointed in her, I did not dare to cut off contact at that point since I felt I needed to fight on to keep her, which later also prevented me from presenting an ultimatum before she broke the news to me on her new guy.

 

I'm asking because I sometimes get so insecure that I don't dare to act when stuff happens that I in retrospect never should have allowed to happen to me if I had just been "tougher" on her nonsense. I get a lot of conflicting opinions on this, with some people telling me I should try to act like I'm very fine and be friendly to her to save our friendship and possibly reignite her interest, while others like you say that the chapter should be closed off. Really struggling to know how to cope right now, as I kind of want her back (which means I should stay positive and friendly), and at the same time I really start to hate her for how she treated my feelings in the post-breakup phase (which means I should use NC to heal myself first most and close that chapter as soon as possible).

 

do you believe I should have closed off our "friendship chapter" immediately the first time she openly allowed herself to cuddled in front of me?

 

Putting your response to that situation aside for the moment, she was already your ex-girlfriend and was free to do what she wanted. She was maybe a little insensitive though.

 

Now since you wanted to get her back (and that is not what I would hope for you in this case), your best response would have been to not pay attention to it, seem disinterested or not concerned. If she had any feelings left for you, she would notice and then think "hey, he's over me that fast"? (This is what you were thinking about her, right? and that made you want to push for her even more). If you turn the tables, it may have her trying to "follow" you and get closer again. Overreacting, getting angry, jealous, hurt simply plays into her ego.

 

This is all water under the bridge now. Move on from her for your own good. Do something nice for yourself, go out with friends, join a bowling league, anything. If nothing else, she will see you becoming a better you and realize she's missing something.

 

Learn from this experience but don't carry it around like an albatross. Don't let it weigh you down. Be yourself, be free and the best person you can be.

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a practical advice:

 

Every time you agreed to go with her interest - You lost and felt hurt.

 

Why don't you stop doing thing for her interest? She want to talk - Don't agree.

She sends a text, that means she expects an answer? Don't answer.

 

Understood? Never do what she wants you to do.

If in the future you have a reason to ask her something to your interest - Do so, But stop contact when she continues the conversation to her interest.

 

Mathematically - You can't lose with it ;)

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No meeting. No talking. No contact at work. I wouldn't even give this girl a text response of anykind. Just keep doing what you did when you passed her on the street. Polite nod and move on. I worked with a guy for 3 years who cheated with my ex girlfriend. Never said a single word to him in 3 years. There is no need to explain what's going on. She will stay out of your way and you stay out of hers. If she comes to your office and wants to talk, politely explain you are busy and the conversation will not happen. She doesn't exist in your world.

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Page - I think that while generally you take an extremely different approach to handling breakups, your heart is in the right place. I can respect that.

 

But you're really just attacking people left and right on here for suggesting they remove themselves from the drama of a failed relationship. This isn't someone mis-treating their girlfriend or wife or lover badly, as you outlined above. It's about people managing a painful situation after losing someone they've loved.

 

I know that you think that so long as your ex-partner leaves a sliver of a door open, one is a quitter for not chasing them to the ends of the earth. I also know that for many of us, unhealthy situations have to be avoided for our mental and sometimes physical health. We all wish we could immediately revert to just being friends and not having it pain us inside, but we don't. It hurts. And completely exiting the scene is the best way for many to heal. Maybe not you. And I think perhaps we have to respect your approach as it works for you, but it isn't how we're going to advise others.

 

I think the advice of people here generally would be as such:

 

1. If someone makes you a priority and you want to make them a priority, go to the end of the world to make them happy and let them make you happy.

2. If someone makes you a priority and you DON'T want them to be a priority, be direct, treat them with respect, and don't jerk them around.

3. If someone makes you nothing more than an option, treat them with respect, but don't go out of your way for them.

 

I think in this case OP is #3, which means do what he did - send a response stating he will do things professionally, and then past that go silent. Just because she wants to be friendly doesn't mean he has to. And just because he wants her to be his lover doesn't mean she has to. Goes both ways.

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