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Having trouble deciding if I truly want to end it


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Hey Loveshack community! I'll keep this as short as possible. Feel free to ask for any sort of clarification.

 

I have been with my girlfriend for about six months. She is a grade lower than me, so I'm attending college whilst she is still finishing up high school. Over the past month (And this wouldn't be the first time I've had these feelings), I've been experiencing mild GIGS, but mostly just questioning if I should be in the relationship at all. The beginning was very passionate and lustful. Our romance started after a ONS but we were good friends beforehand. We dated for a couple weeks afterwards and discovered we shared a great deal in common. Both feelings were there so we started a relationship. We're great together when it comes to our interests and conversation, and she's a great girl, but our problems are just becoming more apparent to me. Not to mention that sometimes I can't help but feel a bit tired of her, because she wants to spend as much time together as possible. It seems that a lot of her habits that I used to overlook are also starting to annoy me now.

 

So naturally I've been having a lot of thoughts of breaking up... I'm becoming more apathetic towards the relationship, and even further complicating things, she admitted to loving me two months ago. As for myself, I am not willing to declare love until I KNOW that I'm ready, so that has also created a lot of tension in our relationship... I feel like I can't relate to her emotionally anymore because of it, and no one likes unrequited love. Also, we got into a big fight a few days ago in which she acted quite immature to the point where she stormed off, got in her car and drive off rather than settling things with me. She came back about 10 minutes later, crying and apologizing telling me how stupid she is. It's just really getting on my nerves, because this is about the 10th freaking time she's stormed off when she doesn't get her way.

 

But it's important everyone understands that I still obviously have romantic feelings for her... However, it's more of attachment and security. I feel like I'd be losing my best friend more than my girlfriend.

 

So I'm left with the decision... I think I want to leave her. I envy the times when I was single and had more time on my hands to pursue my own interests, and could freely flirt and hang out with whomever I want. Part of it is also because I want to experience more people before settling down. It's just hard because I think that I want this, but then I'll see a picture of her or think of everything we've been through and then I feel disgusted at myself. I'm just in total purgatory right now, and on top of it I feel guilty just thinking about breaking her heart.

 

I decided to tell her that I wanted a few days apart to think about things. These next few days I am going to truly decide whether I want to stay or go. Can someone please help me make the best decision? I wish everyone could just prosper in this situation and not get hurt... But I know that's impossible.

 

Thanks for reading and good luck with your own situation!

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Hi there,

 

It seems you want your freedom more than you want to stay in this relationship.

 

You are still feeling wretched at the thought of dumping her .... maybe because you didn't give her a chance - by telling her that you need more space do your own thing or telling her that her childish tantrums are wearing thin on you ? Or maybe that this unsatisfactory relationship has spoiled a beautiful friendship

 

The telling signs are:

It's only been 6 months in and you are feeling apathetic (already). This in itself would make me believe that the future of this relationship is doomed - You mention GIGS but do you already have somebody else in mind ? She says she loves you but you don't feel the commitment to return those words.

 

Tough one for me as dumpee but I will say this - it's also maybe how I wish I could have been treated:

 

I think you have to let her down gently and set both of you free from this relationship as soon as possible

 

But do it properly and with respect for the person she is and the time you spent together. Expect that she will be very hurt, upset and maybe angry - it's a normal reaction - you are way ahead of her in your current thought path. She might beg and she might plead - be prepared for tears - you have to remain gentle but firm

 

Explain honestly how you are feeling and that you don't see a future together - you know this is hurting her and, you feel really sorry for that, but even if you value the time spent together - your feelings won't change - it's better be honest about this - sooner rather than later - for both of you.

 

Do not give her any hope of reconciliation and do not say that you want to stay friends or that she will always have a special place in your heart.

 

Tell her that for both of you to move on from here - you want to establish no contact to leave both of you the space and time needed for healing - and when you're done give her a brief hug her and leave - and then you have to disappear.

 

She will need her friends around her - but feeling as you do - you are the last person who can help her - you have to give her space to recover. Keep off her social media - don't like her posts - etc. etc.

 

It's not easy and the fact that you question yourself so much shows that you are still a thoughtful guy - I think you are both young enough to recover and move forward from this - but she will need much longer than you - such is life

 

I hope this helps

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I hope this helps
Wow... That was actually very, very fitting... It's like I can acknowledge everything your saying as right, but it's just hard to realize doing it. Like, that feeling when you're saying to yourself "Am I actually gonna do this?".

 

I feel like a lot of this stress is caused by my experience breaking up with my first girlfriend, and because my current girlfriend is very emotional. She'll start crying at the smallest of things. She told me that when her first boyfriend (if you even want to call him a boyfriend, since he didn't act like one) broke up with her over text, she repeatedly called him 50+ times and then practically cried in bed for two weeks. She tells me that I'm the best she's ever had, and that her feelings are much stronger for me than her past two boyfriends. That's a big part of the reason why I'm fighting and delaying this in my mind... Has anyone else ever had this same problem?

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I just got out of an almost 4 year relationship with a woman that you describe similar to your gf..very emotional, small things set her off, wants to spend a lot of time with me, etc.

 

You sound young and unsure of your future or what you want to do. People say just enjoy it and make the best of it. If you feel you are not ready to say I love you to her and have a serious relationship..you need to let her know as soon as possible. In my case, I spent so much time trying to make someone clinically depressed happy that later I became unhappy myself.

 

I'm having a hard time even though I broke up with her and I know she loves me..I love her but the future just wasn't there the way I saw it. You start to notice things you don't when you first meet the girl. Its up to you to decide if those things fit your life style or not. I'm second guessing myself a lot too. But for me its more involved. I don't know how old you are but I'm almost 28 and I felt like a lot of time was put into struggle and arguments for me yet I still never loved anyone like her.

 

If you are unsure of what you want, talk to her and end it or see what she has to say. The longer you stay like this..you will become distant towards her..one of my problems too over time. Eventually the breakup will be very rough the longer you invest in an unhappy relationship.

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Ever since the beginning where it was most passionate, I actually HAVE been very committed. I've always treated us as serious, it's not like I've been stringing this girl along.

 

So now what you're saying is that since I'm not 100% committed to us working out, I should just end it?

 

Edit: A good way to describe my experience right now is just ups and downs with my thought process. Some of the times, I actually feel like our chemistry is strong enough to stay in this, so when I'm in that mindset I feel like I want to stay. Then something else happens, whether that be something she does that turns me off, or one of those beautiful days where I feel very independent and enjoying of my freedom. The result is that I just feel totally deadlocked in my mind, and I know the clock is ticking.

 

It's like, this is not the end I wanted for us or her. This is the last thing that anyone looks forward to in those beginning months that are amazing... Looking back to before, to now, just gives me such a shameful feeling because I'm actually considering this. I just feel so freaking lost on what I want that I feel anxious all the time. It's like in some ways I want both options in this situation, but both of them are unthinkable in their own way.

 

It sucks. It really sucks when your questioning your relationship over such confusing circumstances. But then I think about how if I stayed with her, I know I would never be truly satisfied... I know I need to break up with her, my mind is selecting that as the right decision. But my heart is doing everything in its power to remain the opposite.

Edited by TheKook
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