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Should I tell my ex why I broke up with him?


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My ex and I were in an open relationship with boundaries/'rules'.

 

I found adultfriendfinder on his web browser on accident (which I am not okay with), confronted him and broke up with him over it. Open relationship and flexibility is one thing, actively pursuing partners on a site purely for sex is another, for me. We have different values around sex.

 

I left the country for a few months for work and we chatted everyday and he helped me through some of the hardships, we started seeing each other when we got back but never really addressed our old problems.

 

He made an off-handed comment one night that he didn't trust me so I decided to look through his computer. I found craigslist, AFF again, '****book' and etc.

 

I broke it off over the phone and said it was about me and my boundaries and issues I am having with myself, which is true, but I never told him about what I saw.

 

I feel like, he cannot be THAT dense to think that was okay considering I already broke it off once over AFF (in his head he thought it was because of my leaving the country and stress over that).

 

I feel some guilt over breaking it off like that-but then I am reminded of the fact that he likely feels ZERO guilt over his online activities as they fulfill his need for anonymous sex or whatever it is.

 

Still, I try to be an honest person with integrity and it eats at me that he doesn't know and I don't think I acted maturely about it, but I did what I had to do for myself. We've been broken up for 3 months and are part of the same community (Burners) so we have a TON of mutual friend-acquaintances and a few mutual real friends. So it's inevitable that I will hear about him to some extent and run into him eventually.

 

So I'm stuck, should I tell him? Would it make it worse? We're not speaking currently and I do actually think we could be great friends with a year or two of space. I would like to be friends, but I really loved him so it's not something I could do any time soon.

 

I'm not sure what the best thing to do is for me or for him. I'm not sure he would ever change or get it, but at least I would know I tried.

 

I am trying to focus on myself but finding it hard.

 

Advice please :bunny:

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StrangerThanFiction

Honestly I think trying to tell him your reasons for the BU now would be pointless and counterproductive. I understand the integrity thing, but it's done. It's better just to leave it alone and stick with NC. Opening up this can of worms won't help, it'll just drag the whole situation out and could potentially end in you guys fighting because your emotions are still probably running pretty high. Like you said, you two could probably be great friends in awhile, but right now you need time and space to heal.

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Only if he contacts you again. The one thing about a mysterious/vague breakup is that it leaves the dumpee wondering, which can actually slow down the healing process.

 

You'll know if he comes back to discuss "WHY"

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The one thing about a mysterious/vague breakup is that it leaves the dumpee wondering, which can actually slow down the healing process.

 

Yes, this is why I feel the guilt. I want him to heal quickly and learn from the process, but then again him 'learning' isn't my responsibility and I do feel it would damage the friendship in the long run.

 

However, I'm not sure I could ever be friends with him without telling him, so maybe it'll just be like that :confused:

 

Oh welp! I also told him via text a few months ago basically NOT to contact me and that I was healing so I don't think he ever will.

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I hope you'll take this in the spirit it's intended.

 

You broke up 3 months ago. Why are you strategizing ways to connect with him still? This isn't about healing - you're obviously still into him and this "we can be friends" thing is a sham. He disrespected you repeatedly. What aspect of friendship does he meet?

 

But either way, either be broken up and actually move on and stop being in a relationship with him in your mind or for some reason try and be with him.

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What aspect of friendship does he meet?

 

But either way, either be broken up and actually move on and stop being in a relationship with him in your mind or for some reason try and be with him.

 

**** thank you...no that was exactly what I needed to hear. He supported me through a tough time in my life so I'm feeling sensitive/emotionally connected to it all.

 

I'm just having a moment of weakness. I heal pretty damn slowly.

 

Also part of it is a desire to remain in good standing with his friends/in the community. I don't want any bad blood or awkwardness when I see them but I think I'm over-thinking that part.

 

Part of me will always love him and never be over him but yeaaaah.

 

Thank you :)

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Wow...so you were in an open relationship and get upset when he freely pursued other women?

 

Am I the only one who finds this kinda ironic?

 

If you want to think of it as a 'flexible' relationship perhaps that would be better.

 

Just because you are 'open' does *NOT* mean you can do whatever you want. This is a common misconception of poly/open style relationships.

 

Personal boundaries and what you decide between you two still apply.

 

It upsets me to think of a partner ****ing a rando in the alley they met on CL, it does not upset me to think of a partner having sex with an old friend they have known for years, or meeting someone new and discussing it, etc.

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