Bigmiked Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 (edited) Hey guys I'm a recently divorced 40 yo dad with 9 yo daughter . I am currently dating the woman that basically was the cause of my divorce. Last week after an argument she said she needed a break from us. I love this woman and want to eventually make her my wife . I'm a little confused and very heartbroken. Trying hard to do the no contact thing. Here's a little history: I met her in 2009 , she was a teacher in my daughters daycare . We would flirt everyday and eventually set up a date to meet. She is also divorced with two daughters of her own. Anyway we went on a while meting up on her lunch and having sex. It was great , but eventually feelings started happening and we eventually found ourselves falling in love. For the next 4 years we were on and off. I could talk to her and tell her things I couldn't tell my wife. We would also get into arguments about me still being married and than not talk for weeks at a time until one of us usually texted. My ex wife eventually found out about us and it was bad. But we stayed together and tried to make it work. I even went to therapy. The other woman stayed in the picture and we continued to do our thing. Fast forward to Summer 2013 . After an argument earlier that summer my girlfriend cut things off ....again. I was miserable and eventually made the decision something had to give. I went to Disney with my ex and daughter and then to her parents house in FL. After a few months of no contact with the other woman I texted her from Disney. To my surprise she responded. But was pissed I was on vac with my family. After a near breakdown at my in laws house I told her I had to leave and go home. I didn't want to be married anymore. She cried , but I got a tix to go home. I soon rethought my decision after my girlfriend said she wanted nothing to do with me. I was crushed but stayed in FL and tried to forget her. But after a couple days she texted and said she wantted to see me when I got back. We eventually talked and I promised her we would be together. That October my ex asked for a divorce and a weight was lifted off me. The divorce took 6 months and was painless . We still talk and I see my daughter a lot. April 2 ,2014 it was official and me and my girlfriend were finally able to be together. I couldn't be happier. We were able to date and do things I haven't done in years. She's great with my daughter and her kids love me ,it was perfect. Me and the girlfriend argue from time to time. She is very stubborn and takes pride in voicing her opinion. I'm the opposite,I hate arguing and am very relaxed. Just happy to be in the moment. She always tells me we need to communicate better. Anyway sometimes are fights last for days and we don't talk. The last argument we had was over something dumb but eventually led to her being unhappy about a car I bought and her not being included in the purchase. Also me not realizing what kind of stress she's under.(daughter driving soon ) . We talked I tried to apologize but she wasn't having it. I talked to her best friend and found out she's worried I'm not fully committed and have never talked about our future together. Again I tried to talk to her and tell her my intentions but she's still pissed. I even wrote a 2 page letter laying it all out there. But she texted me and said we needed time apart . My heart is broken. She is definitely the woman I love and want to marry. I just hope it's not too late. I didn't respond to her text and she texted me the next morning saying she read the letter over and over. I still haven't responded and don't plan to. But her birthday is Monday and I may wish her a Happy Bday. Sorry for the long post .need some insight. Edited September 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmiked Posted September 27, 2014 Author Share Posted September 27, 2014 I would like to add that I'm the only guy she has dated in the 8 years after her divorce. Even when I was married she never saw anyone. I'm the only guy she ever brought around her kids. Which is also heartbreaking because I love her kids. She also did not give any terms of the break. I wanted to get a ring and propose on her birthday but after talking to some people I was advised not to. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 Why did the people you talked to advise against proposing? Sounds like she's been waiting a long time for something and you toe haven't been communicating well on mutual needs and desires. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmiked Posted September 27, 2014 Author Share Posted September 27, 2014 Mainly because we aren't talking right now. Ill admit that while I do want to spend my life with her I haven't voiced this to her. I just got divorced 6 months ago. I'm kinda adjusting to being a single dad and doing things on my own. She has helped me a lot through it. I just thought she new my intentions as I am at this point in my life for her . If it takes me buying a ring to show how serious I am I would do it. But since we are not talking I'm not sure she would accept it. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 Ah, I understand now. You could do the ring thing with the caveat of a long engagement, but it is true you need transition time; you are still recovering from the divorce and now have a double loss. Give her the space she asked for. Know that it may not last (many relationships which come from affairs do not - they were created in a fantasy bubble that doesn't survive the harsh reality of an everyday existence. We refer to it as Affair Fog. She may be coming out of the fog and not liking the ultimate reality). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmiked Posted September 27, 2014 Author Share Posted September 27, 2014 (edited) Well that's not what I wanted to hear haha. She is very stubborn when it comes to arguments. I do however believe because we lasted this long(5yrs) we are meant to be together.Should I just stay the NC course? Even on her birthday? Edited September 27, 2014 by Bigmiked Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 BigMike, it reads that it was a huge mess that got you to your dream girl and now it is a big mess with your dream girl. Maybe a 'break' is what you BOTH need. You may need to learn how to live with yourself before you can live with someone else new... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmiked Posted September 27, 2014 Author Share Posted September 27, 2014 I'll also add that my divorce was a relief to me as I had gone back and forth for 3 yrs about doing it. When my ex finally asked for it it was a huge weight off my back. We were both fine with it. Even lived together while separated. We went to courthouse together . As far as the engagement goes yeah I would wait a little for marriage. I did talk to her best friend a couple of times and my girlfriend did express to her that she's not sure I would want to move in together, but she never brought that up to me. She is also stressing out about her daughter driving in October , she still,hasn't found a car for her. That was another sticking point in our fight. I didn't help her find a car and didn't realize how much stress she was under. This all really sucks and has my stomach in knots. It hurts not to be able to be with her. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 Well that's not what I wanted to hear haha. She is very stubborn when it comes to arguments. I do however believe because we lasted this long(5yrs) we are meant to be together.Should I just stay the NC course? Even on her birthday? How long were you M'd. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmiked Posted September 27, 2014 Author Share Posted September 27, 2014 ComingInHot , she did say in her "break" text that maybe both of us need time to realize how to treat each other better. The uncertainty is what's killing me. And to top it off it's her Bday weekend and I can't be with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmiked Posted September 27, 2014 Author Share Posted September 27, 2014 We had ten yr anniversary while going through divorce. We were together for 17 yrs all together. Although it was mostly good the affair killed it.... Shocking haha. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 We had ten yr anniversary while going through divorce. We were together for 17 yrs all together. Although it was mostly good the affair killed it.... Shocking haha. Haha ya shocker... that'd do it probably* Why in the world would she choose her B-day weekend to need space? Do you know her plans? Or is she a bit Younger than you? If she's your destiny then she'll be there for you... I mean after her birthday. Good luck BigMike, I hope it works out for you. There's nothing worse than having to learn harsh life lessons later in life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmiked Posted September 27, 2014 Author Share Posted September 27, 2014 Don't know her plans, she's a couple years older than me. I was even gonna buy her a Louis Vuitton bag that she always wanted . I put that on hold. I really gave a lot of thought into getting a ring and giving it to her on her birthday like I said in original post. But knowing her personality I'm not sure it would fix anything. What it comes down to in most of our fights is that ,according to her, it takes a fight and not talking for days for me to come around. Even when I layed out my plans to her she asked why does it take an argument for me to say these things? Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 And why does it? Do you concur? Sincerely now, thonk about it. Is this something you need to work on or is she manipulating. I am not attacking her or you. I want you to really look at things with regards to your communication skills. Do you see a pattern with your girl, your wife, your kids etc...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmiked Posted September 27, 2014 Author Share Posted September 27, 2014 Oh yeah I'll admit I was never a great communicator. Especially with my ex. I'm not very emotional. I definitely need help with that. I'm very relaxed now and try not to let things bother me now. Coming out of a bad marriage I'm just happy to wake up happy. And I tell her that. She is also the reason I'm happy . I think she gets mad that I let a lot of stuff roll off me. I'm a police officer so I kind of have to. I see a lot of ****. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 Oh yeah I'll admit I was never a great communicator. Especially with my ex. I'm not very emotional. I definitely need help with that. I'm very relaxed now and try not to let things bother me now. Coming out of a bad marriage I'm just happy to wake up happy. And I tell her that. She is also the reason I'm happy . I think she gets mad that I let a lot of stuff roll off me. I'm a police officer so I kind of have to. I see a lot of ****. whoa boy. I think that's a-lot of pressure to put on any one person. She shouldn't be the reason your happy. You should be happy with yourself, by yourself and she should be In Addition to your happiness. Trust me on this one. It's flattering at first, to bring out the best in a man BUT to then be on duty to maintain his happiness sucks rocks. When you're on the streets, close off what you need to, to keep me and mine and everyone else safe. I thank you for that more than you know. But your home should be your sanctuary. Your place to be vulnerable even though you are still the In Charge man. It's a balance that men need to learn for certain women in order dor a successful relationship. You're not to old to learn. .. I don't think Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmiked Posted September 27, 2014 Author Share Posted September 27, 2014 Can I ask you from a woman's point do view, why was it so easy for her to do this. I mean if you care for someone why put them through this ? Do you even think she's upset about this ? Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 I wouldn't, couldn't behave in this manner. I'm not wired that way. If I think I need space it is because I'm questioning whether I want to proceed in the relationship. I'd never shut someone out that I professed to love on an important date I'd know they'd want to be a part of. ..that's just not me* Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 Maybe she'll be upset after her birthday party...?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmiked Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 Thanks for kind words , not everyone likes cops nowadays. Anyway like I said she's very stubborn and prides herself as being an independent strong woman after her divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 I do however believe because we lasted this long(5yrs) we are meant to be together. No. Here's the problem with your line of thinking. You said you have only been divorced for six months. The affair was 4 1/2 years and that refers back to Affair Fog. Feelings and sentiments and desires are entirely different with someone when they are in the affair versus that time when they have reality. You have not lasted five years with her. You've only been with her for six months. That is why I'm saying she may have asked for the break. She now has a reality that is different than what she fantasized it would be. It happens and is to be expected. The difference is when she comes back, can you talk more openly with her about her expectations and hopes and - perhaps - try to help fulfill them? We don't know that yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 Bigmiked, your are soldier on Home Turf to me and I can't imagine the things you face daily to keep ignorant people like me safe. Now, your stitch, I was thinking, I don't want to steer you wrong and I could possibly wighout meaning to (long story, read past threads if you're bored) So, mYbe start a thread in the Other Woman/Man section to get the ladies who have made it past the cheating part into relationships or not with the married men (or I guess they'd be Divorced men, sorry). Those who are 'in a good place', may be able to offer insight. ** Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 If someone was to ask me for a "break", I'd consider myself single. In most cases, that's what it is. Even if it really is a "break", to give her what she asks for is what you should do. If I was in this kind of situation, I hope I'd be smart enough to put my foot down. None of that "back and forth / I contact you whenever I feel like it" bs. Ask her not to contact me till she figures out what she wants. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmiked Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 Ok guys thanks . So continue no contact. ? Even for her birthday which is Monday . Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 If it were me AND IT IS NOT, I'd want you to.... I'm sorry Bigmiked, even after a a glass of wine and a cocktail, I can't say. I'm so far opposite of this chick who seems happy in her stubborn independent callous ways, it's not even funny. hopefully someone whose like your girl can answer. best of luck mr Bigmiked, CIH* Link to post Share on other sites
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