Question about contacting EX

[dumpE]

Ok, it's been 6 months NC.

 

Very very short version: after a heated argument, I moved out of her house over a weekend when she was out of town. I technically broke up with her. ***However, for all intents and purposes I am the dumpee, and she is the dumper***

 

Anyhow, recently we were matched on a dating site. She has been in a relationship for four months with someone. She had been "inactive" on the dating site, but then a few days after we were matched, she logged on and went "active" on the site. Then, she did the same after about 2.5 weeks, then again after three more days. At that point, she blocked me.

 

I honestly thought I would be blocked immediately after we were matched (this site emails matches with names, details, and photos so it makes it hard to not see), or at least after she returned to the site.

 

Not gonna lie, I did "view" her profile several times, and--as it were--the "anonymous browsing" feature on this dating site didn't work in the mobile app, so my "plan" was miserably compromised.

 

 

 

 

Anyway, this series of events has elicited an URGE to contact her. I'm probably going to do it. I know the community on this site would advise against it.

 

If I were to do it, there are several distinct "messages" I would send:

 

1. "You hurt my feelings for blocking me on the dating site. If that was your goal, you succeeded."

 

2. "You browsing a dating site while in a committed relationship gives me validation that you are a devious, dishonest person, and that what we had was fake. I now feel better that we are apart, and I don't want you anymore"

 

3. "Hey L******, let's go canoeing like you wanted to."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Regarding number 3, one part of me thinks she returned to the site to change her status to "active" and DIDN'T block me to send the message to me she was "available." I know people will say this isn't the case, but I'm not supposed to "know" she is in a relationship. She had blocked me on FB, and it would be tough to know she is seeing someone. (we don't have any mutual contacts; we met through OLD). Being a member on the site myself, some of my "behavior" on the site that would have showed up on her newsfeed (and in a particular order) is actually the tell-tale sign that I am NOT interested in her. I thought this was germane, after some reflection.

 

I know for a fact she is not completely happy in her new RS, and misses some things about me. Anyway, there are mixed feelings and goals with what I want to communicate to her.

 

 

I feel like contacting her now would be proof that I do "care," and that doing nothing will infuriate her that I don't 'care" if she blocked me. But another part of me wants to express my feelings, regardless of the outcome. Especially after what she put me through post-BU.

 

 

I wouldn't send anything without much much thought. Also, depending on what I sent, I might put her email address into "auto-delete" mode so I couldn't read the response, but feel I need to get this stuff out to her. I really might do it, and I really might not. But this time around, I'm giving it thought.

 

 

 

Just putting this out there to the interwebz to get some insight.

[me85]

You've gone 6 months!! Why break NC now?? So what you were matched up?? If anything it's just something hilarious that happened to you.

 

If you end up sending anything to her it should be something like "Crazy we were matched up on that site, huh?"

 

I wouldn't advise on traveling back to 6 months ago. Those feelings should be lifted a little more by now.

[mightycpa]

I'm going to give you one more perspective that you may not have considered. No doubt you're seeing things in black and white - she loves me, she loves me not.

 

This is probably not exactly the truth. The truth is probably that you're not a horrible guy, that there was not zero percent compatibility, but rather that you're a perfectly fine guy with less than tolerable compatibility, for whatever reason.

 

Long story short, she doesn't hate you, but she knows better than to encourage you in any way. Wanna know why?

 

Because she's logged on 3 times, didn't block your ass the first two times, and you're reading that slimmest of evidence as a sign of hope.

 

It isn't. In truth, she couldn't be bothered to muster the energy to block you until she saw you snooping around. Then it was like

 

OMG! I can't believe he won't take the hint! I have to cut him off NOW!

Leave her alone.

 

Or there's always Option 4:

 

My mind knows better and I've been advised not to do it, but I'm going to contact you anyway. I still think that we have a chance at happily ever after. Go ahead, break down, you know you want it as much as I do. Please, baby, I need you!!!!

 

or of course, You could (and should) choose Option 5. Don't contact her and don't look again.

 

Your choice, your consequences.

Edited September 27, 2014 by mightycpa

[dumpE]

Thanks for replies above.

 

...

 

Yikes; that first post is quite long. Oh well.

 

 

 

Anyway, I took the re-visit to the site personally because she'd not been "active" for over one month when we were matched, but then mysteriously returned to the site two days later, and again a couple weeks after that.

 

Even if it had nothing to do with me, then it only means she's not quite "sure" about her current guy.

 

 

...

 

 

Here's a question: what is to be lost by sending her whatever (fill I the blank) but pro-actively blocking any replies?

 

Like, if I'm gonna actually send something should I at least be prepared to stomach whatever the reply is (if any reply at all)???

[mightycpa]

Here's a question: what is to be lost by sending her whatever (fill I the blank) but pro-actively blocking any replies?

 

Like, if I'm gonna actually send something should I at least be prepared to stomach whatever the reply is (if any reply at all)???

 

The only thing you have to lose is a little heartbreak recovery time, and her respect. You may lose some self-respect, but you can regain it. In the end, I guess it doesn't really matter what she thinks of you, does it?

[littleblacksubmarine]

You've already broken NC by looking at her profile, which has got you wondering about her current relationship status, which is part of what NC is trying to get you to avoid.

 

I think you have to be honest with yourself about why you want to contact her.

 

If it's because you want her back then your message should be short and very neutral, though your post indicates that you still resent her in some way, in which case it is unlikely that any further relationship between you would be a good idea.

 

If it's purely to voice your resentment towards her, then you aren't over her, and continuing to break NC will set you back. It is unlikely to bring you any kind of lasting satisfaction. Why open that door again?

 

Personally I suggest letting sleeping dogs lie, continue moving on. If you really feel like you have to get some stuff off your chest then just write it down and don't send it. Post it on here if you want, but don't send it to her, it won't do you any good

[dumpE]

I guess I just want to show interest, in the 1% chance event that any if what I'm saying is true.

 

After all, I had to reach out to her on a longshot almost a year ago to go on a second date with her. She was seeing someone at the time, but I didn't know it. If I had known it, I wouldn't have reached out. And if I didn't, we never would have had our relationship.

 

The only minor detail is that yesterday she changed her public profile pic to one of her and him, him kissing her, with maudlin comments. This was the first such pic. My point is that me contacting her now would look like a reaction to that.

 

 

As lame as it is, one if the biggest motivating factors in NOT contacting her now is to show indifference to the dating match, and her FB picture of her and her BF.... I know how much indifference can send a message, and like I said that's where I'm at.

 

I dunno... She can't read my mind and I can't read her's

[littleblacksubmarine]

As lame as it is, one if the biggest motivating factors in NOT contacting her now is to show indifference to the dating match, and her FB picture of her and her BF.... I know how much indifference can send a message, and like I said that's where I'm at.

 

Use whatever motivation you can right now, with time you won't need any as you simply won't care. Just block her and move on, if you need to vent write it down or do it here

[dumpE]

Use whatever motivation you can right now, with time you won't need any as you simply won't care. Just block her and move on, if you need to vent write it down or do it here

 

Regarding your post #6 above, yes I have resentment. Not about our relationship, but about the breakup and how she treated me afterwords.

 

But also part of me wants her back.

 

And regardless, there are feelings I want to express, but I realized that's probably pointless.

 

 

What I am also worried about is that she knows exactly how I feel, even if I've done six months NC. But this is an abstract thing and a different issue.

 

It's just weird that people can go from saying they love you to not even acknowledging your existence. There is plenty about her that I am not thrilled with. But when you've been with someone, been part of their life it is just hard to "close the door."

 

Last two paragraphs have nothing to do with topic, but whatever.

[littleblacksubmarine]

Regarding your post #6 above, yes I have resentment. Not about our relationship, but about the breakup and how she treated me afterwords.

 

But also part of me wants her back.

 

Yep, I know this feeling too from past break ups, it'll fade over time. Venting at her now won't change either of these things. Find other outlets.

 

What I am also worried about is that she knows exactly how I feel, even if I've done six months NC. But this is an abstract thing and a different issue.

 

She might suspect, but she'll never really know, you haven't revealed anything yet, only mild curiosity and if you go back to NC now then she'll probably shrug it off as just that.

 

It's just weird that people can go from saying they love you to not even acknowledging your existence. There is plenty about her that I am not thrilled with. But when you've been with someone, been part of their life it is just hard to "close the door."

 

This is a really strange thing about break ups, and why there's always the lingering hope for reconciliation. How can they love you one day and then not the next? Always puzzles me too, don't really have a reason for it!