the things you said during break up

[Lalocket]

hi all

 

I hope that i am not alone in the fact i begged/pleaded and lost all self respect when he left me. I really want to get over the shame I feel when this happened. Is it normal to act this way? I have my own adandonment issues so worried i may overreact compared to others.

 

The pattern goes a little bit like this;

 

- apologising for anything/everything you MAY have done wrong

- saying that you'll change, get help, go to counselling (whatever it may be)

- asking if they still find you attractive

- begging/crying

- asking them for a 'break' rather than a break-up

- saying you can't live without them, can't go on, don't want to live

- asking for them back even when they have slept with someone else 2 weeks after break up

- refusing to leave until they ask you to leave

- sent a letter

- sent a gift (!)

 

i am so humiliated by all the things i did to get him back. i wish i had implemented NC from the minute he decided to leave things. instead i pestered for about 5 days until i well and truly scared him off. i keep replaying it over and over in my head and it's making me hate myself. why did i act SO DESPERATE.

[losther215]

5 days is nothing! I pestered for about 3 months and did all if the crazy broken up stuff. I was going I make a post similar to this except **** dumpers say to dumpees.

Some things my ex said to me include,

"Maybe in the future but not right now"

"Idk I don't want to talk about it" (in response to want in to know what was wrong or talking about our relationship)

"Why do you even want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you"

"All of this begging is making you look desperate and that is not attractive"

"Nothing is changing"

"Maybe in 5-10 years if were both still unhappy maybe we can be together" (in response to what circumstance she sees us being together)

"I hope one day we can be friends"

"I hope you can be happy for be one day, I want you to be happy too!" ( after finding out she's slept with another guy)

"We're never going to be more than just friends"

"We can't just go back to the way things were" ( no **** you ****ed another guy)

 

Anyone face any other classic lines or lines given to you?

[littleblacksubmarine]

You certainly aren't the only person to have ever made these mistakes, and it is a fairly natural reaction to want to beg and plead with them. Experience is key when going through a break up, each time you get better at dealing with them.

 

Don't dwell on these mistakes too much, they are in the past and you can't change them. Try not to feel ashamed of them either it is a learning curve that you can take something from.

 

NC is absolutely the best thing you can do right now, and the guide on this forum is extremely useful, I wish it had been available to me when I was going through some of my precious break ups. Follow it as closely as you can and make sure this includes not looking at their social media or trying to find out about their life in any way. Try not to be too hard on yourself if you slip up occasionally, but always revert to NC immediately afterwards, trust me it is by far the least painful way of getting through this

[angel.eyes]

You weren't the first and you certainly won't be the last to try to keep someone by begging. So stop beating yourself up. You're being your own harshest critic right now, and that's only making things worse for you.

 

You can't change the past. Just learn from it, and on to the next challenge life presents. Focus instead on your future. That begins with healing your heart and forgiving yourself. Your self-esteem has taken a big blow. A little self-affirmation might be a good thing right now. I'm sure you have lots of positives about you...a lot of things that you do really well. Put together a list, and post it on your bathroom mirror. Make sure you're exercising too. Endorphins are a wonderful thing!

 

Breakups are painful all around. It may take a while to get over this, but that's okay. Be patient with yourself.

[Dontfindme]

I've done the begging and pleading. I look at it in a humorous way now, because I clearly must have been out of my mind, now that the rose colored glasses are off. I'm learning to forgive myself for my mistakes.

 

I tell myself that if I'm ever faced with my ex and forced to recall how pathetic I was, I will own up to it. Because as much as I cared about what he thought of me before, I am pretty indifferent now. He can think whatever the hell he wants. But he won't be regulating my emotions any longer.

[Lalocket]

I've done the begging and pleading. I look at it in a humorous way now, because I clearly must have been out of my mind, now that the rose colored glasses are off. I'm learning to forgive myself for my mistakes.

 

I tell myself that if I'm ever faced with my ex and forced to recall how pathetic I was, I will own up to it. Because as much as I cared about what he thought of me before, I am pretty indifferent now. He can think whatever the hell he wants. But he won't be regulating my emotions any longer.

 

i sure as hell hope someday i can laugh at my pathetic-ness. i feel that this NC has enabled me to gain back some dignity (another benefit of it) because i'm not chasing anymore and i feel stronger.

 

it's something that i will promise myself i'll try not to do again in my next relationship. i think begging for someone to take me back when they have just admitted sleeping with someone else was a real low point for me. i could never have forgiven it so why was i begging?! embarrassing.

[Dontfindme]

i sure as hell hope someday i can laugh at my pathetic-ness. i feel that this NC has enabled me to gain back some dignity (another benefit of it) because i'm not chasing anymore and i feel stronger.

 

it's something that i will promise myself i'll try not to do again in my next relationship. i think begging for someone to take me back when they have just admitted sleeping with someone else was a real low point for me. i could never have forgiven it so why was i begging?! embarrassing.

 

You'll get there, I promise. You just have to give it time.

 

We do a lot of things in the heat of the moment. His faults were more acceptable (at that time) than losing the sense of comfort that you felt with him - this is what happened with me. Breaking up is foreign, and terrifying. Everything changes.. So many people beg to hold on to something that they should have chucked without hesitation.

 

Try not to beat yourself up over it so much- that's probably hard to do now, but it will happen on its own regardless.

 

NC is the best thing you can do after a breakup. My recovery gets better and better with each failed relationship- haha.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Yep we've all done it! I didn't beg but I did send way too many messages that made me look desperate & I also wish I had gone NC from the start too!

 

Do u know what helped me feel like I gained my self respect back.. When he unblocked me on FB I blocked him & I changed my mobile number, I don't know if he has tried to contact me on the old number which I do sometimes wonder about BUT I'm in control now of his contact x

[BroknHrt]

I sure as hell begged. I didn't know any better at the time. Went on for 2-3 months.

 

Some things I remember her saying,

"Yes. In the future, but not right now"

"If we are both still single after we graduate college."

"I love you, but am not in love with you"

"The more you push, the less I want to try"

"Our future seems like a distant memory"

"You're the one that f***** up our relationship"

 

And after all this plus being ignored and knowing she was seeing someone else, I still thought it was smart to beg and plead to tell her I couldn't live without her...etc.

 

Just go no contact. I've definitely learned a life lesson at a young age and I'm happy for that!

[Feelbettersoon]

I cringe at the things I said, and not sure why I even said them because he made it clear his feelings were gone. I think we beg, etc because rejection hurts and sucks. I was so unbelievely desperate - I wonder what the dumper thinks when we beg?

 

I too hope I can laugh one day about what I said.

 

Cringe cringe cringe

[Lalocket]

I sure as hell begged. I didn't know any better at the time. Went on for 2-3 months.

 

Some things I remember her saying,

"Yes. In the future, but not right now"

"If we are both still single after we graduate college."

"I love you, but am not in love with you"

"The more you push, the less I want to try"

"Our future seems like a distant memory"

"You're the one that f***** up our relationship"

 

And after all this plus being ignored and knowing she was seeing someone else, I still thought it was smart to beg and plead to tell her I couldn't live without her...etc.

 

Just go no contact. I've definitely learned a life lesson at a young age and I'm happy for that!

 

I remember him saying things along the line of:

 

"we have too many negative memories"

"i'm not willing to give it another go"

"i don't think i love you anymore"

"i don't see a future for us, ever"

"you've made me miserable for months"

"i dont believe anything you say"

"it's not about being civil, i don't want you in my life"

"stop stalking me, stop controlling me"

"i hope you don't treat your next boyfriend the way youve treated me"

 

a lot of the break up is a blur, when i'm so emotional i tend to forget a lot of what was said. i think my brain tries to block it out!

[mightycpa]

Well, I for one, didn't say anything except for OK and goodbye. NC started the night I learned and was never broken.

 

That's not easy either, and it leads to regrets that you didn't at least try once, not that it would have made a difference, but that you got your say.

 

Yeah, maybe you were a little over the top, maybe a little inelegant in your word choice. Maybe even the gift was a little much. But nobody can say you didn't try, and you can feel good about that.

 

In the end, it doesn't matter what he thinks. It won't change you one bit. So forgive yourself for caring too much and move forward. You're good to go now.

[strong-hearted]

omg I'm right there with you guys!

I did the same thing, I freaken humiliated myself in the process of trying to keep him, had I known his sorry a** was talking to another girl and his mind was made up about leaving me I swear I would have NEVER begged him, but yes I did ALL of those things you mentioned so now I regret doing it but what's done is done..it's a human reaction, all I can do now is get my dignity back and pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and just move on. I'm doing the NC thing so the more days I go on without contacting him the better I feel about myself. even if he were to contact me as much as I still love him I do not wish to have any contact with him..in any way shape or form, he hurt me way too much and now I know the kind of "man" he is and I would not take back someone like that. So people stop contacting them and let's get on with our lives!!!!

Edited September 26, 2014 by strong-hearted

[singsparkles]

hi all

 

I hope that i am not alone in the fact i begged/pleaded and lost all self respect when he left me. I really want to get over the shame I feel when this happened. Is it normal to act this way? I have my own adandonment issues so worried i may overreact compared to others.

 

The pattern goes a little bit like this;

 

- apologising for anything/everything you MAY have done wrong

- saying that you'll change, get help, go to counselling (whatever it may be)

- asking if they still find you attractive

- begging/crying

- asking them for a 'break' rather than a break-up

- saying you can't live without them, can't go on, don't want to live

- asking for them back even when they have slept with someone else 2 weeks after break up

- refusing to leave until they ask you to leave

- sent a letter

- sent a gift (!)

 

i am so humiliated by all the things i did to get him back. i wish i had implemented NC from the minute he decided to leave things. instead i pestered for about 5 days until i well and truly scared him off. i keep replaying it over and over in my head and it's making me hate myself. why did i act SO DESPERATE.

 

 

 

 

 

LaLocket,

You are MOST DEFINITELY not alone! Don't feel that way. I did the same thing with my ex; I begged, pleaded, wrote him like 500 text messages in a row. I was psycho. I felt like all my dignity was gone.

 

But you have to remember... your dignity is never gone. You can ALWAYS get it back and it is never too late.

 

This guy seems like he does not deserve you and all the passion and love you have to give. You need to find someone who appreciates it, because those are beautiful qualities that you don't find every day.

 

Vulnerability is a beautiful thing, but you have to be choosey with who you show that to. And obviously this guy wasn't the right one!

 

It's NEVER too late to initiate NC!!!! Think about yourself. You're a beautiful person with so much to give. Let him go. He means nothing! He is just another fish in the sea, and I know its hard to think of it that way, but you have to think of it that way!!

 

You're not the only one who has done everything you've listed. I've done all that and more and made myself look foolish with one of my exes, and once I finally initiated NC, he contacted me 5 months later, even after how foolish I acted. But the karma was, I was over him when he called me. I wanted nothing to do with him after he could watch me cry and be in pain and not respond or say a word to me. That shows someone's character and it's not a good quality.

 

You are beautiful and worthy of so much more!!! Please initiate NC right away! Focus on yourself! You mean the most and your life means the most. There is happiness around the corner if only you let go of all the bad that is holding you back (meaning him)! You can do this! You are strong and worthy! Don't ever forget it. Every time you feel like contacting him, remind yourself that you're beautiful and he doesn't deserve that attention from you. He prob feeds off of it and it's inflating his ego! Don't give him anymore power. Get your power back and be the strong woman you can be... and in return, you will find a wonderful man who will make you forget why you even went crazy over this dude!

 

Please trust me! Stick to no contact!!!

 

Hugs,

xoxoxoxo

[Michelle ma Belle]

i sure as hell hope someday i can laugh at my pathetic-ness. i feel that this NC has enabled me to gain back some dignity (another benefit of it) because i'm not chasing anymore and i feel stronger.

 

it's something that i will promise myself i'll try not to do again in my next relationship. i think begging for someone to take me back when they have just admitted sleeping with someone else was a real low point for me. i could never have forgiven it so why was i begging?! embarrassing.

 

When we know better, we do better. And now you do and will

[Summerrose2013]

Wow, it's weird but I was just thinking something similar this morning about my completely out of character behaviour during my break up.

I didn't go down the begging route, I went down the really angry, listing all his faults, trying to fix him route - JUST as humiliating though, believe you me.

 

I feel like such an idiot, as others have said, but I had not been through a break up like this since I was a teenager, so I really had no experience to fall back on - the great thing is that I will have for next time!! it will be NC from day one if this happens to me again. This is my consolation for the humilation I feel from these events. It also helps to keep me away from him by the embarasment. I re-instated contact a month after the break up for the sole purpose of letting him know I was SO over him (of course I was nowhere near that point at that time) and to tell him all the exciting new things I am doing in my life. I didnt want his last memory of me to be the crazy lady (now I realise it matters not a jot!) He then went from 'leaving me alone' to he would LOVE to remain in contact and be friends, so I then went NC and felt much better, because then it felt like my decision. Lack of control is - I think - one of the big issues with being dumped, and what drives us to crazyville.

 

On the plus side, as others have said, although hindsight shows us that begging, chasing, over-contacting is the best way to push an ex even further away, at least when they look back, after maybe being dumped on themselves, they will understand what you went through and they will know that you tried to fight for them.

 

I am still NC with my ex now but I got a text from a friend of his saying that apparently he 'talks about me all the time'. I told her not to read anything into that and I have not pursued contact with her, since he was all we had in common and I have no further wish to drag up the past or discuss him. So what that he talks about me, it's not the same as wanting me back and anyway I would not ever want him back now after how he treated me - rose tinted glasses crashed to the ground and firmly stamped on about that RS.

 

When I feel weak - because despite everything, it's natural to miss the close contact you only really get from a partner - and sometime I think about contacting him I do the following:

 

- Come on here for a kicking from you guys and reminders to maintain NC!

- Think how it would look to HIM if I contact him (needy, desperate, chasing him.)

- Read the list I wrote of all the annoying/hurtful/selfish things he did or said both during our RS and the break up.

 

Works every time.

[mav3rik]

hi all

 

I hope that i am not alone in the fact i begged/pleaded and lost all self respect when he left me. I really want to get over the shame I feel when this happened. Is it normal to act this way? I have my own adandonment issues so worried i may overreact compared to others.

 

The pattern goes a little bit like this;

 

- apologising for anything/everything you MAY have done wrong

- saying that you'll change, get help, go to counselling (whatever it may be)

- asking if they still find you attractive

- begging/crying

- asking them for a 'break' rather than a break-up

- saying you can't live without them, can't go on, don't want to live

- asking for them back even when they have slept with someone else 2 weeks after break up

- refusing to leave until they ask you to leave

- sent a letter

- sent a gift (!)

 

i am so humiliated by all the things i did to get him back. i wish i had implemented NC from the minute he decided to leave things. instead i pestered for about 5 days until i well and truly scared him off. i keep replaying it over and over in my head and it's making me hate myself. why did i act SO DESPERATE.

 

Im so guilty of this..

 

plus I also made a video about her with Dearly Beloved (Kingdom Hearts opening theme) playing in the background.. I have removed the video since from youtube.. I have never felt so low.

[BikerAccnt]

In the long ago past I've done this. I think I handled my breakup of this past weekend fairly well.

 

 

I didn't beg, though I did let her know I was still open to trying if she was. She explained her reasons, and other than for me explaining my action, I didn't ask her to change her mind.

 

 

She kept talking, finally I said "If things are this hard for you, I don't want to be the cause of that, if you see no chance now, lets end the conversation and you should go."

 

 

It was very sad, but she got up, and left. We texted a bit yesterday, but it was too much for me. I told her I would be going NC, and removed her from my social networks.

 

 

I'm a mess, but at least this time, I still have my dignity.

 

 

I guess this comes from practice. I wish I could stop practicing this particular aspect of life.