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Trying to get long distance ex back... (warning: it's long)


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The Back Story: My ex gf and I met online on a forum when we were both in college. We talked about random things and I gave her my email. She emailed me and we talked through chat for months until we finally started Skyping. I live in Texas, US. She lives in Toronto, Canada. It got serious so I flew up to spend time with her. Then I went to study abroad in Spain and we worked it out to fly her to visit me there as well. She then went to New Zealand to “take a break” from all the school and stress and her parents. She believed she could stand on her own but she didn’t manage to find a job and ran out of money in a few months. She was dreading being seen as a failure to her parents so I got her to change her flight home to fly to live with me at my apartment as I finish out my last year of college (she had 1 more year than me). We lived 9 months together happily and then she went back to finish school. After graduation, I half-heartedly look for a job but ultimately wanted to join the military as an officer because it was my childhood goal. I didn’t find a job and so I told her that I would be joining the military and started the process. In this process (1 year), I didn’t do anything but stay at home with my parents. Before, I was a college student who was outgoing, played sports, and had everything going for me. She was the shy girl (smarter than me) who didn’t open up much except to people close to her. It was one year and we visited each other a few times (me flying to her or her flying to me). I have noticed changes in myself. I had become less confident, more childlike. I got too comfortable. I didn’t have much going for me but I figured I still had a gf who loved me despite it all so I was still doing something right.

 

The Break Up: 2 and a half years in. It had been a few months of her messaging me less and we went from Skyping every night or almost every night to once a week or every two weeks. We went on vacation in Montreal. She seemed annoyed the whole time and I was annoyed that she had grown cold so I kept annoying her to get even. After I came back to Texas, I messaged her, she didn’t reply for a few days until I finally asked if anything was up (I kinda knew at this point) and she said she had to think some. I gave her 2 days and made her talk to me on Skype. She broke up with me. She said she had been feeling exhausted from being more social with her friends lately (again she’s an introvert) and wanted to recharge but I wanted to talk all the time and she recognize that it was because I cared but she was getting more annoyed and tired of me in the past few months because of it. That and I have been acting very chumpy (t-shirt and athletic shorts) and never make an effort when we go out to dress nice (I’ve only dress up a few times when we go to nice places but didn’t have decent clothes as I was a poor college student- admittedly I had a few pair of pants but I didn’t feel was up to par so I never wore them). Then she said she felt the dynamics of our relationship has changed. When she first met me, I was, in her mind, better than her, more confident, and had everything going. Now I was jobless (even though I was in the process of joining as a naval officer- which she didn’t want me doing) and not confident amd decisive and she has a job with one of the biggest Canadian banks, although a small starting job, through her father’s connections. She felt she was getting established now instead of looking to me. She wanted me to always be better than her but now it was opposite. She just didn’t feel attracted to me anymore and she no longer love me. Our last time together was her trying to gauge if she still enjoy being with me but the whole time she was annoyed. I took it in stride as I’m a very calm individual. I told her that I understand but that she could’ve told me earlier in our relationship and I would’ve tried to address the problem or we could work it out instead of holding it in to herself. She apologized for it but that was that. She said I could try to message her and talk to her as she still like me as a person but she would no longer try for relationship sake. I said I understand but I’m still not sure what I would do as this was a serious thing. We both said good bye and that was it.

 

After the Break: She deleted me off her Facebook and phone messenger, both of which she rarely use. It’s been a bit over a month but it’s been a drastic month of change for me. I’m not one to get too emotional and move on very well. Within a day of breaking up (which was a tough, tough day), I was already on a date with another girl and have since been with 2. This helped in rebuilding my confidence. My desire to join the military suddenly went away as well as I crave something more stable now. Within two weeks of the break up, I was offered a very well paying job in another city. I’m now in an upscale apartment in a new city. I have also started working out again, playing soccer, and trying to improve myself, buying new clothes to dress better not only for job but for myself, and reading and learning new things like money management and investing. My train of thought is to improve myself as a person overall, from mental to physical to emotional. I have a job that in 5-6 years I can make 6 figures in. My confidence is back and I think in 2-3 months I will be back in physical peak and playing sports again as well.

I did 1 month and a half NC then contacted her for the first time last week to ask about furniture ideas and color schemes as I’m not very good at that stuff. We talked on Skype and she was gracious about it and was legitimately helpful. Then we had a “catch up” conversation and she was surprised and happy at how I turned things around for myself in just one month. She’s been going out with friends, camping, BBQ, etc. but she’s worn out over that stuff. She turned her phone messenger back on and we’ve been texting back and forth a bit after our Skype convo and she asked to add me if I had snapchat which she got because “friends peer pressured” her to it (and her best friends’ list had some guys in there and mine at the same time have girls I've been hooking up with). The thing is… I don’t know where to go from here. I’ve been improving myself and am in top shape now but the only contact we have is through text or Skype since she lives in Canada. Before we made trips to see each other because we were in a relationship but now… I don’t know how to escalate. And I felt like I was emotionally sound but after our Skype convo (which went well) she said, well, nice to chat again and her sounding so detached killed me on the inside. Where do I go from here? I’ve reestablish connection and I’m enjoying life and she knows I’m enjoying life but I at a loss as what to do. I want to be able to flirt back and forth again but she seems defensive and not as open as when we first met. I feel like she's only messaging me and Snapchat-ing me back to be polite. I don't want pity. I want her to recognize that I'm a better person and recall her love.

I thought I had everything planned out and exactly what to do but… I need help.

 

I didn't plan for it to be so long... Thanks for reading.

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I want her to recognize that I'm a better person and recall her love.

 

Doesn't work that way.

 

You have to let her go and live your life. And find someone local. Live your dreams.

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Doesn't work that way.

 

You have to let her go and live your life. And find someone local. Live your dreams.

 

No? But I figured since I made her fall in love with me once, I can do it again. Or will that not be happening?

I'm under no illusions that there is just "the one". There are plenty of compatible girls out there. She just meets my high standards of intelligence, humor, and wit that in on par with me. I found a keeper and I'd really like to keep her [;)] instead of spending more time and money to find another one. That and I love her as well.

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Find someone who lives closer to you so you can have an opportunity at developing a real relationship. My opinion on ldr's - they are a waste of time. There are far too many components lacking in such relationships, the most obvious being time spent together. It is unnatural. Move on and be grateful she doesn't live near you, it will make the breakup much less painful in the longrun.

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Long distance relationships are pretty hard, and breaking up is not uncommon.

You need to move on, and realise you've got a long time to find another one that meets your expectations with the bonus of being nearby.

She has moved on from the sounds of it.

Even of you got back together, likely be one of you breaking it off in another 6 months.

It really a waste of time and money chasing her.

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I felt like we were doing the LDR thing pretty well and the break up wasn't because of the distance. But you guys are right. It's time to move on. I think I'm going to have a talk with her to say this and address the failings of our relationship so we both can learn from it and avoid in our future. I want this to be an amicable thing so even though we both move on, it leaves the door open if one wants to reach out to the other if they need something. It's going to mostly be closure for me and to resolve myself to doing it, moving on. Is this a good idea or bad?

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No? But I figured since I made her fall in love with me once, I can do it again. Or will that not be happening?

I'm under no illusions that there is just "the one". There are plenty of compatible girls out there. She just meets my high standards of intelligence, humor, and wit that in on par with me. I found a keeper and I'd really like to keep her [;)] instead of spending more time and money to find another one. That and I love her as well.

 

If you recognize that there are many compatible girls around, why are you desperately clinging to this one? I call this 'syndrome' "one-itis".

 

Furthermore you can't make her feel anything. You can't prove yourself to her. She will have to discover on her own if you have changed. Any attempt to desperately "show" her that you have "changes" is going to set off all her alarm bells causing her to run even harder.

 

A man has his pride, don't give it away. Your better than that. Pick up your balls and move on from this. In time you will see that it's the better choice.

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If you recognize that there are many compatible girls around, why are you desperately clinging to this one? I call this 'syndrome' "one-itis".

 

I explained it in that very post you quoted. But you are right with the last two sections.

It's just so damn hard. You start thinking about her and the time you spent and the future you talked about with each other. ****. It's real tough right now.

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