Should I contact my ex before he leaves forever? (Updated)

[lovesfool]

I am a few months into no contact since my ex dumped me. I haven't heard from him since it ended. He never gave me a straight reason for the break up and it has been driving me crazy since, especially as he continues to ignore me.

 

Recently I learned that he is about to leave the country for a new job and I don't know if I will ever see him again. I will admit that I am not over him and think about and miss him everyday. I thought about trying to meet up for a coffee to say goodbye and see him one last time. I never had the opportunity to say goodbye the last time we spoke because I didn't realise it would be the last time

 

Is it a bad idea to reach out? Should I wait to see if he contacts me first? What do I do if he does try to contact me before he leaves? I am really confused as to what to do.

[d0nnivain]

You still won't get a straight answer about the break up & contacting him will set you back in your goal to be over him.

 

Don't do it.

[mightycpa]

I never had the opportunity to say goodbye the last time we spoke because I didn't realise it would be the last time

 

In other words, he broke up with you, never gave you the common courtesy of saying goodbye, and you've been tortured ever since, wondering why.

 

It's because he's a douchebag. You were in love with a douchebag is the awful truth.

 

If he didn't say goodbye to you when he ended it, you can bet he won't contact you to correct that behavior.

 

Do you really want that perfunctory goodbye whose purpose will be only to send you back to the beginning of your struggle? If you're looking for "closure", I can assure you, you won't find it there.

[lovesfool]

In other words, he broke up with you, never gave you the common courtesy of saying goodbye, and you've been tortured ever since, wondering why.

 

It's because he's a douchebag. You were in love with a douchebag is the awful truth.

 

If he didn't say goodbye to you when he ended it, you can bet he won't contact you to correct that behavior.

 

Do you really want that perfunctory goodbye whose purpose will be only to send you back to the beginning of your struggle? If you're looking for "closure", I can assure you, you won't find it there.

 

He said the old cliché of being friends and I went no contact on him for a while, I reached out and he didn't respond. I guess that's why there was no real goodbye as such.

[mightycpa]

I reached out and he didn't respond.

 

He didn't give you the common courtesy of a final goodbye. I mean, seriously, who does that? Even people who text their goodbyes say goodbye, as cowardly as that is.

 

He's a douchebag. Never forget that. That's why there was no real goodbye as such.

 

You will never find closure from him.

[lovesfool]

He didn't give you the common courtesy of a final goodbye. I mean, seriously, who does that? Even people who text their goodbyes say goodbye, as cowardly as that is.

 

He's a douchebag. Never forget that. That's why there was no real goodbye as such.

 

You will never find closure from him.

 

I don't know. I guess he did intend to talk to me again, but as time went on and he finally did get a message from me he felt that I was still emotionally attached to him and it was better not to contact me? I'm not trying to defend him, just trying to see it from his point of view.

 

I really do feel that talking to him again would help because at the moment it just feels that someone very close to me has died. Why? Because I never got to say goodbye and if I try to contact them I will get no response.

 

I do wonder if he ever thinks about me, or even cares or knows what he put me through. I would at least like to talk to him face to face one last time - it's not like I am hoping to get back together, that is impossible. But I do hope to repair any damage already done so that we can be friends in the future.

 

Does that sound crazy?

[Zahara]

I really do feel that talking to him again would help because at the moment it just feels that someone very close to me has died. Why? Because I never got to say goodbye and if I try to contact them I will get no response.

 

Yes, an ending is equivalent to the feelings of loss that one feels when they experience losing a loved on to death. It's normal. But it isn't justification to reach out or revisit, especially when someone dumped you. Enough with the goodbye excuse. Endings are painful and they don't come in nice little red boxes with bows. I read what you said about this guy. He wasn't even a prize.

 

I do wonder if he ever thinks about me, or even cares or knows what he put me through. I would at least like to talk to him face to face one last time - it's not like I am hoping to get back together, that is impossible. But I do hope to repair any damage already done so that we can be friends in the future.

 

If he cared he would have at least explained why he was ending it. Stop looking for reasons to reach out to him so that he can validate you. If you meant anything to him, he'd be reaching out to you knowing that he may not see you again. You don't go chasing him.

[lovesfool]

If you meant anything to him, he'd be reaching out to you knowing that he may not see you again. You don't go chasing him.

 

I can see myself counting down the days before he leaves, waiting for a message or a phone call and if I don't hear from him I can assume I meant nothing to him? That would be heartbreaking.

 

And in the unlikely event that he does contact me, what is the best thing to do? I know I will be very tempted to respond. Ignoring him seems childish to me, even though that's what he did to me, but I don't want to behave that way.

[kfm]

I can see myself counting down the days before he leaves, waiting for a message or a phone call and if I don't hear from him I can assume I meant nothing to him? That would be heartbreaking.

 

And in the unlikely event that he does contact me, what is the best thing to do? I know I will be very tempted to respond. Ignoring him seems childish to me, even though that's what he did to me, but I don't want to behave that way.

 

Similar enough situation to my own at the moment, not really knowing or getting a goodbye. I can really empathise with you.

 

How did this guy end it? On the phone, email, text?

[CarrieT]

I can see myself counting down the days before he leaves, waiting for a message or a phone call and if I don't hear from him I can assume I meant nothing to him?

No, you can assume that he has moved on from the relationship and that you should have as well.

 

And in the unlikely event that he does contact me, what is the best thing to do?

You should ignore him and show him that you have moved on as well.

 

Ignoring him seems childish to me, even though that's what he did to me, but I don't want to behave that way.

Do unto others...

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't know. I guess he did intend to talk to me again, but as time went on and he finally did get a message from me he felt that I was still emotionally attached to him and it was better not to contact me? I'm not trying to defend him, just trying to see it from his point of view.

 

I really do feel that talking to him again would help because at the moment it just feels that someone very close to me has died. Why? Because I never got to say goodbye and if I try to contact them I will get no response.

 

I do wonder if he ever thinks about me, or even cares or knows what he put me through. I would at least like to talk to him face to face one last time - it's not like I am hoping to get back together, that is impossible. But I do hope to repair any damage already done so that we can be friends in the future.

 

Does that sound crazy?

 

Yes, it sounds crazy, desperate and that you are clutching on to straws. And reaching out to see him would put you back at ground zero. Either he blows you off, gives you a dismissive bye, or you meet up and it's confusing to you because you are looking for any sign possible to start the mental gymnastics meet up in your head again.

 

It's up to him to repair damage, not you. HE BROKE UP WITH YOU!!!!!! You can't get closure from the person who caused the turmoil in the first place. This is a tragically horrible idea and I really hope you don't pursue it. Let it be.

[Mary Oak]

So if you contact him and he responds then you will feel validated? Is that what you are trying to accomplish ?

 

My opinion is you should feel lucky he is moving. That way you don't ever have to see him again. There were many times I wished my ex would move.

[BC1980]

So if you contact him and he responds then you will feel validated? Is that what you are trying to accomplish ?

 

My opinion is you should feel lucky he is moving. That way you don't ever have to see him again. There were many times I wished my ex would move.

 

Heck, she is lucky the guy is moving. Out if sight, out of mind is true.

[mightycpa]

I know what she wants. She wants to say goodbye to her boyfriend, not to the assclown that now inhabits his body. She'll never be able to do that. It's too bad they don't make a little pill which will put somebody back in love with you for 15 minutes so that you can get the heartfelt goodbye you wish you'd had.

[Crila16]

No contact is for you, not for him.

 

I think it's a horrible idea to contact him before he leaves. Why? So you can see him and torture yourself one last time? Drudge up old feelings that you've been trying to detox out of your system, only to start at square one and bring them back to the surface. What good is that going to do for you?

 

He's not going to see you and fall head over heels for you again. You've been broken up for a while now. He hasn't contacted you for a reason. He's leaving the country, and he's not calling or worried about contacting you.

 

My suggestion. Cry. Just cry and get it all out. Let him go. He's already let you go. You will find love again, I promise.

[lovesfool]

Similar enough situation to my own at the moment, not really knowing or getting a goodbye. I can really empathise with you.

 

How did this guy end it? On the phone, email, text?

 

It was a phone call, but we messaged each other for a few days afterwards, then I went no contact and when I reached out again I heard nothing.

 

Heck, she is lucky the guy is moving. Out if sight, out of mind is true.

 

I wish that was the case. I can't stop thinking of him. I keep associating things with him everyday. It's especially bad on the way to my job. I pass by restaurants we ate in, bars we made out in, even shops where his friends work remind me of him.

 

He's not going to see you and fall head over heels for you again. You've been broken up for a while now. He hasn't contacted you for a reason. He's leaving the country, and he's not calling or worried about contacting you.

 

My suggestion. Cry. Just cry and get it all out. Let him go. He's already let you go. You will find love again, I promise.

 

I just wish I knew why he is not contacting me. I feel like I did something wrong, or I was acting differently at the end of our relationship and I didn't realise it. I know I won't get the answers from him now, but these thoughts just keep plaguing me.

 

At least if he talked to me before he left I would know he doesn't hate me, but from what you guys are saying, it looks like he does.

[anna121]

He doesn't necessarily hate you. In fact I'd put money against it.

 

He is much more likely indifferent to you.

[Simon Phoenix]

He doesn't hate you, he just doesn't care. And you begging him for contact isn't going to make him care.

[lovesfool]

To cut a long story short my ex boyfriend dumped me, gave a weak excuse for doing so and has ignored me since, even after I reached out to him.

 

I have not seen him since the breakup, but I've always wondered how I should behave if I do happen to bump into him somewhere. Should I just say "Hey" and walk on? Do I talk briefly and pretend everything is fine? Do I tell him how I am really feeling?

 

I guess the same questions can be asked if in the very unlikely event he contacts me. Should I ignore any messages or calls from him, like he did to me? Do I respond positively and say I'm doing great or do I tell him the truth?

 

Whats the best way to handle these situations?

[Gatema]

If I were you and I ran in to him some where I would smile, give a friendly hi, then keep on moving. Like out of there. Don't stick around and let enough time pass by while engaging in idle small talk; you're not obligated. Usually what typically happens, especially if there's been some loose ends attached to your break up, one of you, starts to address some of the unanswered questions in a casual manner and then it escalates to raw emotions, before you know it. Don't put yourself in that position, ever.

 

If he makes contact with you, be friendly, but aloof. Keep telling yourself that he broke up with you. Which translate to: you've been dissed, rejected, blown off. Now, I don't know about you, but I've never let another human being disrespect me like that when I've had a connection with them, for any reason. Why should you allow him to get away with abusing you emotionally? Opening the door for endless conversations about the break up is as productive as running against the wind with a plate of potato chips. You get no where, and all you have accomplished is getting an additional pile of more hurt, to add to your already bruised ego. No thanks.

 

In the unlikely event the ex suddenly calls you out of the blue to tell you that he's made a big mistake and would you please forgive him, even then, I wouldn't be too zealous with giving him an answer. What's happening is this, he's doing a little vacillating between his own decisions, and because he's confused about getting his needs met first, he checks in to see if you'd be willing to go round two in the relationship game with him, just in case. Don't play.

 

When he ended the relationship he probably didn't express this to you verbally but what it actually meant was very clear. He was letting you know, in a round about way, that he doesn't 't have the same romantic feelings for you, like he once had, and since he's lost an interest in you, there's really no reason to stick around.

Edited August 28, 2014 by Gatema

[Simon Phoenix]

Be polite and short and say hi or give a nod if you see him in person, ignore any texts or calls or correspondence unless he unequivocally says that he made a mistake and wants a second chance. But in reading your past threads, you really aren't close to being at the point where you could be in contact with him.

[BC1980]

If I were you and I ran in to him some where I would smile, give a friendly hi, then keep on moving. Like out of there. Don't stick around and let enough time pass by while engaging in idle small talk; you're not obligated. Usually what typically happens, especially if there's been some loose ends attached to your break up, one of you, starts to address some of the unanswered questions in a casual manner and then it escalates to raw emotions, before you know it. Don't put yourself in that position, ever.

 

This is exactly what will happen. Under no circumstances should you make any small talk until you are completely healed. Act like he is any other person, and move on.

[erklat]

I don't acknowledge my exes presence. I might be too radical

But we are not friends.

 

We are merely people who know about one another

But haven't formally been introduced to one another.

[lovesfool]

Sorry for not replying sooner. I thought my topic got deleted but it got merged with this one!

 

He's about to move away in a couple of weeks and it doesn't look like he's going to make contact and very unlikely I will accidentaly bump into him. It's probably all for the best.

 

I am in a way looking forward to when he gets on that plane. That way I know any lingering hope of a reconciliation or even becoming friends will be gone. I can move on knowing that even if we both wanted to get back together, it wouldn't work.

 

The only thing I can do now is try to move on without him and maybe some day in the distant future we will be able to have some sort of amicable relationship.

[lovesfool]

I never know if I should reply to old threads or start new ones, but I guess I'll follow up on this because it's kinda related.

 

My ex's birthday is next week and I don't know if I should send him a message wishing him a happy birthday. He sent me a birthday message after we broke up and that's the last time I heard from him.

 

On the one hand I want to get over him (he has moved away so that helps), but on the other hand I don't want to be that bitchy girl who is just trying play games by ignoring her ex.

 

Is it ever okay to send a birthday message?