Is it over? It is over. Is it over? It is over...

[Dontfindme]

Hello everyone. I'm new here to LS, so forgive me if I don't know the proper etiquette with regards to posting threads. I joined this site because I have become one of those people googling "Can I get my ex back" and a lot of those google searches direct me here - so I have been reading, and absorbing for many days, and sometimes your posts have made my day a lot better, they have given me the strength to move, and go about my daily life. Sometimes, they don't cut it though - and then I don't know what to do.

 

I'm ashamed that I am in such a pathetic state. I've realized some things about myself, and I'm not entirely sure what to do with this information. But I guess I'll get to that chronologically.

 

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me 10-11 days ago. We dated close to 10 months, which isn't long compared to many folks, but we sped through our relationship. We were supposed to be going to see the fireworks. When I called him up to ask if he remembered, he said no- which was a lie, we fought over that, and then he decided to end things with me saying that we are no longer compatible, and that our "foundation is broken." While on the phone, I tried pleading with him to try, and told him that we're supposed to fight for love, and work on it, and if we passed the hurdle we would be that much stronger. But he didn't want to try. He also said he can't wait for me to marry him in 5 years, he wants to get married now. I knew we had different ideologies on somethings, and I made my stance clear before we got involved, and he was so accommodating at the time, but now all of a sudden they do matter, and he longer wants to oblige. Perhaps because I stopped mattering to him.

 

The last 2-3 months had been very difficult, we were constantly fighting about the smallest things - many of the fights originated with me feeling that he was being indifferent about us. He would often speak to me in a monotone, which made me more aggressive about resolving whatever was the underlying issue for which he wasn't treating me with the love that he normally provided. I'm not without my own share of faults, I have cursed at him several times, which he absolutely hates, but in the heat of the moment I could not contain myself. We're also very stubborn, but towards the end, I would be the one going to him, he was okay just letting things be.

 

We work together, although we are on different sides of the office. We would do everything together from going to work to coming home, followed by some activity or another. We went on vacation and I had the best time of my life. I keep reliving those days, and I think that's what hurts the most. I'm going away on a trip this Friday, and he won't be there. I really cannot stop thinking about this. My life is so empty now. I have a big gaping hole in my heart, where he used to reside - where he still may reside because I cannot let him go. I cannot even finish typing this up, because if I reiterate who he was to me, it hurts. Everything hurts, and I feel broken. I know I need to accept that it is over. But I can't. I don't know how to accept that someone who was the most important person in my life, might as well be a stranger to me. I have been following NC since we broke up on the 4th. I ran into him once, but I did not say anything to him then, and we weren't too close where not saying something would be awkward or rude.

 

I really, really need help. I need to get better, but I hurt. The mornings kill me. The weekends kill me. Coming home from work hurts, everything hurts. I sound so pathetic, but I don't know how to stop all of this. I find peace in thinking that he will return to me, because I cannot accept that he won't - but I try to be realistic and tell myself that it is over. I'm constantly trying to convince myself that it IS over. But I keep questioning how that can even be possible.

 

I know my dependence on him - or any man - is not healthy, I think perhaps I need to start loving myself, but I'm not entirely sure how to start that either.

 

Sorry about the long, scattered, rant - all of your input, and hopefully advice, would be much appreciated.

[I am Bud]

Dear Dontfindme

 

Do you remember the days before he entered into your life? The days when you were completely independent and free to do whatever it is that you wanted to? Well that same person still exists within you and you need to find her and bring her out again.

 

Breakups are awful things to experience but they also great devices for making you stronger and allowing you to re-invent yourself into a better person if you let it. The things that you are hurting about are just emotions and feelings that you had with this particular person. You feel a sense of loss but are you really loosing anything? If you think about it, these powerful emotions of love and happiness are part of our human psyche and can be found and experienced again and again with someone else. Whilst it only lasted for 10 months with this person it's going to last much longer when you find the right person for you.

 

Do not wallow in self pity and sorrow all on your own. Reconnect with family and friends who can help to support you. Someone else posted that you should try to experience new things (take on new hobbies/interests etc) so that it keeps you busy and moving. Your emotions are affected by motion so if you are just staying at home and doing nothing but thinking about this issue then this is what you will be feeling. Get out and about and get active. Join a gym or start running but whatever you do, don't get static. Keep on moving and once you build a bit of momentum it will get easier.

 

All the best - Bud

[GoBlue]

He also said he can't wait for me to marry him in 5 years, he wants to get married now. I knew we had different ideologies on somethings, and I made my stance clear before we got involved, and he was so accommodating at the time, but now all of a sudden they do matter, and he longer wants to oblige...I sound so pathetic, but I don't know how to stop all of this. I find peace in thinking that he will return to me, because I cannot accept that he won't - but I try to be realistic and tell myself that it is over.

 

I am very sorry for your pain and the very real heartache you are going through. There is nothing pathetic about being heartbroken and caring about a person whom you thought you would marry some day. What is pathetic, however, is the way that others (not you or this situation) treat meaningful relationships as throw-away items. Love is deep, love is authentic, and love brings pain when it is lost.

 

Two ideas as you move forward from this - differences in ideologies never go away unless there is a true change of heart. He may have been accommodating at the beginning but this is not uncommon in the passion of new attraction. These things did not come up "all of the sudden" because if they are true ideological differences they will simply come back into view after the relationship has been going on for a time and the newness has worn off. Second, accepting the end of a broken relationship is required in order to move forward. Love is a choice that two people have to make but can never be forced. You really have no option because your misery is not affecting him but only yourself. Let me clarify - there is nothing wrong with mourning a loss, but the sooner you get to the place of acceptance the quicker you can move forward.

 

I know about having a broken heart. My wife divorced me five years ago and I am still not over it. My view on break-ups is different on this side of marriage. Generally I see them as a positive because the last thing you want to go through is a divorce. Better to find out the relationship will not work now then to find out after marriage. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Blessings!

[Dontfindme]

Dear Dontfindme

 

Do you remember the days before he entered into your life? The days when you were completely independent and free to do whatever it is that you wanted to? Well that same person still exists within you and you need to find her and bring her out again.

 

Breakups are awful things to experience but they also great devices for making you stronger and allowing you to re-invent yourself into a better person if you let it. The things that you are hurting about are just emotions and feelings that you had with this particular person. You feel a sense of loss but are you really loosing anything? If you think about it, these powerful emotions of love and happiness are part of our human psyche and can be found and experienced again and again with someone else. Whilst it only lasted for 10 months with this person it's going to last much longer when you find the right person for you.

 

Do not wallow in self pity and sorrow all on your own. Reconnect with family and friends who can help to support you. Someone else posted that you should try to experience new things (take on new hobbies/interests etc) so that it keeps you busy and moving. Your emotions are affected by motion so if you are just staying at home and doing nothing but thinking about this issue then this is what you will be feeling. Get out and about and get active. Join a gym or start running but whatever you do, don't get static. Keep on moving and once you build a bit of momentum it will get easier.

 

All the best - Bud

 

 

Thank you for your advice, Bud, I really appreciate it. You are right, these emotions can be experienced over and over, but it is a challenge to make myself accept this, at this time. I worry that he was my one true love and I can't love someone as much as I did him. We used to be best friends before we started dating, so I've already lost my confidante. My family and friends have been very supportive. I guess I'm looking for something to make this all easier. You are so right about motion - I have been moping at home, in bed. It has been hard to gather the strength to go out and pretend to enjoy myself, much less actually enjoy myself.

 

Thanks again for your feedback.

[Dontfindme]

I am very sorry for your pain and the very real heartache you are going through. There is nothing pathetic about being heartbroken and caring about a person whom you thought you would marry some day. What is pathetic, however, is the way that others (not you or this situation) treat meaningful relationships as throw-away items. Love is deep, love is authentic, and love brings pain when it is lost.

 

Two ideas as you move forward from this - differences in ideologies never go away unless there is a true change of heart. He may have been accommodating at the beginning but this is not uncommon in the passion of new attraction. These things did not come up "all of the sudden" because if they are true ideological differences they will simply come back into view after the relationship has been going on for a time and the newness has worn off. Second, accepting the end of a broken relationship is required in order to move forward. Love is a choice that two people have to make but can never be forced. You really have no option because your misery is not affecting him but only yourself. Let me clarify - there is nothing wrong with mourning a loss, but the sooner you get to the place of acceptance the quicker you can move forward.

 

I know about having a broken heart. My wife divorced me five years ago and I am still not over it. My view on break-ups is different on this side of marriage. Generally I see them as a positive because the last thing you want to go through is a divorce. Better to find out the relationship will not work now then to find out after marriage. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Blessings!

 

 

Thank you so much for your empathy, and your feedback. It has been very rough, it's like I have to force myself to remember to breathe. Although I am at the beginning stages of my breakup, I hope I heal soon. I may have messed up since I was trying to keep my distance and maintain no contact, but ended up reaching out to him today to see if we could reconcile. Your points with regards to differences have proven true in our conversation. He cited our different ideologies (on marriage, kids, religion) to be the reason for which he cannot be with me. I asked him if he would have me if I changed to be someone he needs, but he wouldn't have that either as that would not be fair to me. Unfortunately, his firmness, and looking out for me, only made me love him even more, and only made it hurt more.

 

Do you know how I can start accepting that it is over? It has been the biggest challenge to just accept it. My heart won't let me, even when I should have had closure today, and I'm almost certain that he's gone for good - he wished me well with whomever comes into my life next, and everything was so final. But still some of my heartstrings are glued to his, and I can't seem to tug them apart.

 

I wish someone would teach me how to accept.

 

I'm so sorry that you have been heartbroken, and that you are not over the divorce yet. Divorce is such a scary thought - I cannot even handle breakups, I can't imagine the emotional strength and courage needed to handle something so permanent as a divorce. I hope it is getting better for you? With each passing day? I hope you have been able to heal and progress from it. You're right, it is better now than later when there is more investment and involvement in the relationship. Unfortunately, it's so hard to keep these things in mind as we hurt.

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you too, I hope that we may all heal quickly.

Thank you again, I needed the feedback badly.

[GoBlue]

It was good to hear your response. The only way I know to get over a broken heart is one day at a time. It will not make it easier if you continue to make contact with him either. It's always better if you have a support group of friends or healthy relationships to turn to as well. I have prayed for you again! Blessings.