How do I let go?

[lfaye]

I've been in a relationship for the last four years with a man. We were extremely close. We fell in love very quickly. He was my best friend and had been there for me through some incredibly difficult experiences in my life.

 

He and I were also very different. He is an Egyptian Muslim man and I am an agnostic American woman. Yet despite these differences we always somehow found ways to looks past it. I supported him in his faith, and he assured me that he loved me exactly the way I am. We had really beautiful dreams for our future. We talked about having children and about moving to live on the coast. Things weren't always perfect of course, but I always thought that he and I would always be together.

 

Fast forward to last January. He had to work overseas in Saudi Arabia for a while. Things continued like normal for us, up until right before he was to come home. He became very distant and rude. I suggested we needed some space. Even though I was crying as I said this, he agreed.

 

We continued talking, just not as much. It was all very loving talk, but something was still different.

 

A few weeks ago, I learned that he is now unofficially engaged to a woman that his parents chose for him. At first he said that he would not allow it to happen and that he and I would still have a future together.

 

Now he is saying that he is moving forward with it and that I should just "let go." He said that I'm his best friend and he needs me in his life, but is tired of fighting his parents and that he needs a Muslim wife.

 

He has her added on Facebook and I see them commenting in Arabic on each other's posts with lots of smiley faces etc.

 

I of course did not handle it gracefully. I argued and begged and pleaded, which only pushed him away more. My mother also spoke with him and asked if she could help him with his parents.

 

He told her that he thinks he is making a mistake and he feels selfish, but that he doesn't know what else to do. He says he is doing this no matter what.

 

I am shocked and devastated. The world seems like a different place now. All of our dreams are just GONE. Those kids we dreamed about won't exist. Our home on the coast won't exist. And I don't know what to do with myself right now.

 

He has since stopped responding to anything I say or write to him. Yet for some reason he still sends me links to YouTube clips or images that remind him of us.

 

I don't know what to think. I feel like I need to let it go, but it's so so hard. Especially with his mixed signals. I am really going to miss him.

 

People close to me tell me to just "let go" and even he told me to just "let go." I understand this intellectually, but am having a lot of trouble with it.

 

How do I let go?

[lucaslode]

Ifaye, I feel your pain as I am going through a rather painful breakup myself right now with the woman I thought was going to be my partner, wife and mother of my kids for the rest of my life.

 

One thing you need to realize though that Muslim faith (and I am not being biased here) is far different and much deeper rooted in Muslim families than in Western culture. As a Muslim he can not go against the wishes of his family. They would ostracize him if he did. Further more, the family would consider his refusal to marry the 'chosen' woman as an insult and could well intend to physically harm him, even kill him, in order to restore 'family honor'.

 

Being that you are an agnostic doesn't make it easier for him to be with you. Unless he loves you so intently that he's willing to forgo his roots, his culture and his family in order to be with you. I don't think he is.

 

Yes, letting go is not easy but you must. May I suggest you do not respond to him at all. Allow him to sort out his own emotions. Don't interfere in any way. If he realizes he loves you like no other and you are the one for him, he will come back. Harsh reality is though that that will probably not happen.

 

Best of luck.

[lfaye]

I'm really sorry for what you're going through lucaslode I wish that nobody had to go through this type of loss.

 

And thank you for your response. You're absolutely right about the culture. While I don't think they'd actually kill him, they do put a ton of pressure on him. Lots of emotional black-mailing etc.

 

He always used to say that he felt like his family never understood him and that he only felt normal when he was with me. He said he would figure out a way for us. I always believed he would. I guess I underestimated how difficult that would be.

 

It looks like he has completely given up and even a part of him wants things to be this way. I think he actually likes the woman they picked out. And I hate knowing this. I hate knowing that she will be the one who gets to be there for him in life and she will be the one who gets to raise kids with him.

 

I have this stupid hope that things will somehow turn around against all odds. Everything in me wants to try to control the situation and make it change, but I simply can’t. There is NOTHING I can do.

 

So now it’s time to let go. I just don’t know what to do next. I don't feel like the same person that I was before.

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

Does he live in Egypt? Was this an online relationship?

 

To answer your question: Letting go is an action, not a feeling. Examples of letting go behavior:

 

1. Join a gym, healing the body helps to heal the mind and heart

2. When a friend invited you to the movies, dinner, walk in the park - go

3. Help others. Elderly, youth, charities....be of service to your community.

4. Feel: When the hurtful feelings hit, feel through them.

5. Last and most important: Have no contact with him whatsoever. One day at a time. Hanging on is any action that involves him. Letting go is any positive action that does not involve him, but involves you, others (and for me, God) to heal my heart, body, mind and soul.

[lfaye]

Thank you for answering. Yes, the relationship has mostly been online. I know that sounds ridiculous, but we had a real connection.

 

I understand what you mean that letting go is more of a behavior than I feeling. Hopefully those behaviors will bring me peace sooner rather than later.

 

I just want to feel better. I am devastated by all of this and it's hard to see past what I feel right now. I'm taking this pretty hard. I'm having trouble eating/sleeping/working/everything. I have lost over 20 lbs in the last three weeks because I'm unable to eat normally. It is NOT healthy at all.

 

I tried to go out today with my sister and mother, but just broke down crying right in the middle of the restaurant. Everyone stared at me, but I couldn't help it.

 

I just want to feel better.

[sugarlove]

I"m sorry to hear that. How other feel about an online relationship doesn't realy matter. What matters is that it felt real to you and it meant a lot to you.

 

I understand the dull ache in the chest when I wake up in the morning, not wanting to get out of bed as it'll be another day of sadness and tears. But eventually you will get there, no matter how slow, you will feel better tomorrow.

 

I find it helps to do something to mark the breakup, as a ceremony. I changed my hairstyle and delete every single photos on my computer as a cleansing ritual. Perhaps yours will be to delete all your emails from him, I know it's hard but it mght be the only way.

[lfaye]

Thank you Thank you all for such thoughtful replies. I'm really glad I found this forum.

 

Waking up is often the most difficult for me. I can talk myself into feeling at least a little numb during the day, but the pain seems the most intense when I wake up. It's tough coming back to reality.

 

I will probably be back here posting as I go through this. I sincerely appreciate your responses and I wish all of you peace and healing as well.

[treezy]

There's no way one can let go overnight. Moving on takes time and lots of patience. You just be kind to yourself, and soon you will find yourself letting go, sometimes even without your knowledge. Meanwhile, try to surround yourself with supportive friends and stay away from any form of negativity. Stay strong.

[Moonborn]

As people here say, it takes time. It's good if you keep yourself busy. It is also absolutely vital that you cut all contact with him, basically what BigGirlPantiesOn said. I will just add that you are also not supposed to go check his facebook or any other social network if he has one. If you still have him as friend on fb, block him.

 

Just to give you a slightly different insight into your particular situation: I am an (Italian) agnostic myself, my ex was American and she came from a mormon family. She had dropped out of the church, but in many ways her family heritage was still there. Enough time for me has passed to realize that we were just not compatible from the beginning, especially since she was not very willing when it came to compromise.

 

What I am trying to say here is that the chemistry alone is not enough, and even if he didn't leave you like he did things were unlikely to work out wonderfully. What if you had ended marrying and have kids? Would you have been OK with them being raised as muslims? Would he have been OK with them being raised as anything different from that?

 

What I learned from my failed relationship was that even when you are in love you need to keep using a tiny bit of rationality, to try and avoid investing so much of yourself into something that was doomed to fail from the beginning.

[lfaye]

Thank you Treezy. Yes, there is no way to get over this so quickly. I am lucky to have wonderful friends, family and colleagues who are holding my hand through this. And I’m lucky to have found this forum. How cool is it that people who don’t even know each other are taking the time to support each other on this forum? I know I am not alone, so thank you to everyone who took the time to respond.

 

And thank you Moonborn as well. I have cut off all contact and have blocked him on Facebook, Google Plus etc. The only hard part is that I have public Facebook and Google fan pages for my photography/artwork. I know he is able to see those still, so I have to resist the urge to publish anything that would indirectly communicate with him. I’m holding off on posting anything until I start to feel better again.

 

Sadly, I do see your point about chemistry not being enough. I’m sorry things didn’t work out with your American girlfriend. It sounds like you've had some time to heal, and I hope that you continue to heal and learn to love again.

 

I am a spiritual person myself, but I always struggled with religion because it teaches people that we’re all separate and that some groups are better than other groups. I mean no offense to anyone, but it is the same with Islam, and it was the same with his family. I don’t personally have a problem with teaching my kids Islam…. Just as long as they also choose to love ALL people instead of fear them or judge them. Many religions do teach this, but few follow that teaching. I suppose it is beside the point now.

 

Anyway, I think it takes a huge amount of naive optimism in order to believe that things like this could work out. But I am a stupidly optimistic person and that’s probably not going to change. I don’t think that this experience will teach me to be more practical. Even though reality clearly crushes me sometimes.

 

In this case, true love did not conquer all and I’m trying really hard to accept that. In the mean time, I think I'm going to continue being stupidly optimistic about everything else. It's the only way I'm going to cope.

[Moonborn]

Anyway, I think it takes a huge amount of naive optimism in order to believe that things like this could work out. But I am a stupidly optimistic person and that’s probably not going to change. I don’t think that this experience will teach me to be more practical. Even though reality clearly crushes me sometimes.

 

In this case, true love did not conquer all and I’m trying really hard to accept that. In the mean time, I think I'm going to continue being stupidly optimistic about everything else. It's the only way I'm going to cope.

 

Being able to keep your optimism is also important. It is just very difficult to keep your balance when it comes to feelings. Just to be clear, I didn't mean that you have been naive for believing it would work, I have been there too and I have no regrets about it. We all are human beings, we fall in love, we misjudge people and situations.

 

For me realizing that the relationship wasn't going anywhere to begin with was a big step in accepting that it was over, that's why I shared that concept. Your breakup was actually good for you, and I am sure that a few months from now you will be grateful that it happened.

 

Regarding your artwork: if there is something you would like to make that is related to him, it may be good for you to go for it. You don't necessarily have to publish it. You could even get it done, print it and then burn it. Something that is often suggested to people is to write down their feelings for their ex and then burn the letter or dispose of it otherwise, in a sort of cathartic process. This wouldn't be much different.

 

Hang in there, it will get better with time.

[lfaye]

No worries I didn’t mean to get defensive. I am not able to agree yet that this was a good thing, but hopefully I will someday.

 

Part of why I say my optimism seemed ‘stupid’ is that everyone around us was always warning us of the troubles our relationship would bring. People would tell him scary stories about ‘loose’ American women. People told me scary stories about how Muslim men are terrible to women. People never said “Hey, you two seem like you’re meant for each other.” People never recognized that we were best friends. People always told us why it was impossible. Nobody saw what we had as beautiful as we did.

 

Eventually I guess he chose to listen to those other voices. As hurt and as angry as I am, there is nothing I can do to change him. I can choose to be optimistic against seemingly impossible circumstances, but I can’t change him.

 

I will take your advice and create some art. Art is definitely therapeutic, and maybe I can make some sort of a letting go ritual of it.

 

Thank you