Why don't on and off relationships work and recycle? I need to know..

[OK_computer]

Why are some relationships cyclical, like people make up and break up many times before it's over for good..

 

What causes the final breakup? When do they both realize it's over? Why do they last so long?

 

For me it the just the shear amount of times we made up and break up that finally did us in. I just couldn't bear the idea of going through this ordeal again for the X-teenth time (literally).

 

I guess the other main question is..Was there ever a time when two people loved each other in a oa-oa relationship, but just weren't on the same page? In other words, are there feelings involved that allows the each new cycle to begin again?

 

Or is just the constant hope that the ups of the relationship may one day constitute the entirety of the RS that brings one back for another try, ONLY to be shot like icarus back down?

 

And Why does the other person keep allowing this person to return or cycle to continue...it takes two for an OAOA to occur right? for these vicious cycles to continue..?

 

I also think with each cycle there is a NET loss of the love and care for the other person..its slow grind down to the bone..and then there's nothing. so the 2 people just don't feel anything anymore for each other.

[SoThatHappened]

Why are some relationships cyclical, like people make up and break up many times before it's over for good..

In my experience, sometimes the relationship starts out when they're young (late teens / early 20's), GIGS comes into play, cheating, then they get lonely or miss them, come back to what is comfortable, but never truly fix the issues between them. I also believe that they truly do love each other, but at least one party eventually sees things are never going to change for good.

 

What causes the final breakup? When do they both realize it's over? Why do they last so long?

Again, in my experience, when you finally get to an age where you sh** or get off the pot, because you're holding each other back from the life they want.

 

For me it the just the shear amount of times we made up and break up that finally did us in. I just couldn't bear the idea of going through this ordeal again for the X-teenth time (literally).

Don't blame you.

 

I guess the other main question is..Was there ever a time when two people loved each other in a oa-oa relationship, but just weren't on the same page? In other words, are there feelings involved that allows the each new cycle to begin again?

Definitely!!!

 

And Why does the other person keep allowing this person to return or cycle to continue...it takes two for an OAOA to occur right? for these vicious cycles to continue..?

In my experience, absolutely. It wouldn't recycle without both parties involvement.

 

I also think with each cycle there is a NET loss of the love and care for the other person..its slow grind down to the bone..and then there's nothing. so the 2 people just don't feel anything anymore for each other.

 

I disagree here. I believe that they've spent so much of their lives together that their heart will always love them, no matter what. Just that the head finally realizes it's not going to be a happy or healthy relationship in the long run because of the differences.

 

All my experience/opinion, as I recycled with my high school sweetheart from age 16 to 33. Still love her, always will, but we are not compatible.

Edited July 10, 2014 by SoThatHappened

[perduetseul]

 

I was always willing to get back together because I loved him so much, and I was never the one that wanted to be apart in the first place, he was. Besides my love for him, I really don't know why. This time is different though... this time it is off, not again but for good. He got the grass is greener syndrome, I never have. I am moving on because he doesn't love me anymore and believes there is someone better for him out there. That to me is the final blow. 10 years and 50+ breakups, I always wanted (pleaded) to be with him, until now. Now, this I can't get through, the pain of knowing he doesn't love me is... there are no words...

 

I also believed that such is life and we must be willing to work on our relationship. My mom always said: love is a decision. I grew up believing you must work hard to love the people in your life... Just typing that is causing me a headache. He on the other hand believed love is the feelings and selflessness you have for the other. My therapist also always said that there would be troubles, either with him or with someone else, but there would be problems and I had to work on them... How I hate this therapist woman, I saw her for years and years and always believed her nonsense, she ruined my life.

[KS11]

In my experience having been on and off for 4 years, it got a point where she had had enough. The RS always had the potential to be something great and no matter how much I (possibly we) both wanted it, something was always stopping it from happening.

 

Towards the end of this time, which I know now will be the final time, there were visible differences to previous break ups. I think thats what is the hardest to face, I could tell she was starting to resent me..that I was perhaps just a reminder of all this stress in her life and it was no longer the simple RS it once was.

 

The part that makes me so angry was that every time we took a break (always instigated by her) she was always the person to come back, claiming she can't live without me etc...but she never made any changes..the first few weeks were always great, then the same old signs, distance, cold would resurface.

 

The last few months this time was without doubt the worst, it began to feel like we were just clinging to memories of the great times, but the anger and viscousness in the way she spoke to me just makes me think now that all those memories are gone for her. The way we were at the end, will be forever how she remembers us which is just heartbreaking.

 

I've been having counselling for the past few weeks and today we touched upon why it is that i kept allowing her back and thats definitely something i've been asking myself. I think firstly it was certainly that lingering hope/what if this the time it'll just click. The other, harder part to analyse, is I guess down to my lack of self worth. Now, I just see that as a weakness on my part. How much must I hate myself to have let that happen time again, and be treated like that. As soon as I think of that, it just breaks me.

 

 

 

The hardest part for me is because its been on and off for so long, although I keep telling myself she's never coming back, there'll always be that thought in the back of my head...maybe. More shocking is that i'd still take her back in a heart beat. She's really done a number on me thats for sure.

[SoThatHappened]

 

I was always willing to get back together because I loved him so much, and I was never the one that wanted to be apart in the first place, he was. Besides my love for him, I really don't know why. This time is different though... this time it is off, not again but for good. He got the grass is greener syndrome, I never have. I am moving on because he doesn't love me anymore and believes there is someone better for him out there. That to me is the final blow. 10 years and 50+ breakups, I always wanted (pleaded) to be with him, until now. Now, this I can't get through, the pain of knowing he doesn't love me is... there are no words...

 

I've been and am on the other side of your situation, and I would bet my paycheck that he loves you.

 

I kept getting back together with her over a 17-year span (crazy, I know). I chalk up the first 10 years to us being young, moving away to college, experiencing life.

 

However, the last 6 or 7 years we were together, we lived together for 3 of those years. We still had the same fundamental differences that we had when we were younger. Just our beliefs on how life is and works were different. She wanted to be taken care of, I wanted a partner. It didn't work, and I finally had to cut the cord.

 

BUT, and this is a big one, I love her and will always love her. We spent half of our lives together, and even though we didn't "work," my love for her will never go away.

 

I think you're giving yourself a hard time. Like I said, I'd bet money he still loves you. Keep your head up.

[d0nnivain]

Somebody else posted the analogy a while back & I thought it was brilliant so I'm going to repeat it.

 

Take a dish out of your cupboard. That dish represents your relationship. Smash it on the floor. Now glue the pieces back together (if you can). That's what you are doing with the break up / make up cycle. Yes, glued back together the plate still functions. You might be able to eat a sandwich off it but it will never be the solid beautiful plate it was before you smashed it. When you do this repeatedly you damage the relationship so much that eventually there isn't enough glue in the world.

 

Psychologically speaking with each break up to break the fragile trust bonds. Eventually there is no more elasticity & you are just done.

[OK_computer]

In my experience, sometimes the relationship starts out when they're young (late teens / early 20's), GIGS comes into play, cheating, then they get lonely or miss them, come back to what is comfortable, but never truly fix the issues between them. I also believe that they truly do love each other, but at least one party eventually sees things are never going to change for good.

 

Again, in my experience, when you finally get to an age where you sh** or get off the pot, because you're holding each other back from the life they want.

 

Don't blame you.

 

Definitely!!!

 

 

In my experience, absolutely. It wouldn't recycle without both parties involvement.

 

 

 

I disagree here. I believe that they've spent so much of their lives together that their heart will always love them, no matter what. Just that the head finally realizes it's not going to be a happy or healthy relationship in the long run because of the differences.

 

All my experience/opinion, as I recycled with my high school sweetheart from age 16 to 33. Still love her, always will, but we are not compatible.

 

I think I agree with you there too. My ex finally said..she had to do what's good for her and you know what? AT the end I didnt even blame her. We both realized we wouldn't be happy but it didn't end nicely. It was so ugly the final time that even if we wanted to get back, we wouldn't be able to overcome what was said. Atleast I can't.

[OK_computer]

 

I was always willing to get back together because I loved him so much, and I was never the one that wanted to be apart in the first place, he was. Besides my love for him, I really don't know why. This time is different though... this time it is off, not again but for good. He got the grass is greener syndrome, I never have. I am moving on because he doesn't love me anymore and believes there is someone better for him out there. That to me is the final blow. 10 years and 50+ breakups, I always wanted (pleaded) to be with him, until now. Now, this I can't get through, the pain of knowing he doesn't love me is... there are no words...

 

I also believed that such is life and we must be willing to work on our relationship. My mom always said: love is a decision. I grew up believing you must work hard to love the people in your life... Just typing that is causing me a headache. He on the other hand believed love is the feelings and selflessness you have for the other. My therapist also always said that there would be troubles, either with him or with someone else, but there would be problems and I had to work on them... How I hate this therapist woman, I saw her for years and years and always believed her nonsense, she ruined my life.

 

 

Hey, Are you feeling any better? Just try to keep busy and exercise..I know it's hard but push yourself to do better...I know 10 years is a long time, but you'll be ok. =)

[SailorGirl925]

I reconciled with my ex several times only to be dumped, after I put 110% into trying to make it work. He got fired, I was there for him when he broke down many times, then he dumped me. WTH? Who dumps the person they supposedly love at the worst time in their life? Whatever... I'm done beating a dead horse. He's sitting at home alone, drowning in misery and I'm gone for good. After so many attempts to resurrect the dead - I'm giving it a proper burial once and for all. So R.I.P. past relationship - I'm thru with you.

[OK_computer]

In my experience having been on and off for 4 years, it got a point where she had had enough. The RS always had the potential to be something great and no matter how much I (possibly we) both wanted it, something was always stopping it from happening.

 

Towards the end of this time, which I know now will be the final time, there were visible differences to previous break ups. I think thats what is the hardest to face, I could tell she was starting to resent me..that I was perhaps just a reminder of all this stress in her life and it was no longer the simple RS it once was.

 

The part that makes me so angry was that every time we took a break (always instigated by her) she was always the person to come back, claiming she can't live without me etc...but she never made any changes..the first few weeks were always great, then the same old signs, distance, cold would resurface.

 

The last few months this time was without doubt the worst, it began to feel like we were just clinging to memories of the great times, but the anger and viscousness in the way she spoke to me just makes me think now that all those memories are gone for her. The way we were at the end, will be forever how she remembers us which is just heartbreaking.

 

I've been having counselling for the past few weeks and today we touched upon why it is that i kept allowing her back and thats definitely something i've been asking myself. I think firstly it was certainly that lingering hope/what if this the time it'll just click. The other, harder part to analyse, is I guess down to my lack of self worth. Now, I just see that as a weakness on my part. How much must I hate myself to have let that happen time again, and be treated like that. As soon as I think of that, it just breaks me.

 

 

 

The hardest part for me is because its been on and off for so long, although I keep telling myself she's never coming back, there'll always be that thought in the back of my head...maybe. More shocking is that i'd still take her back in a heart beat. She's really done a number on me thats for sure.

 

KSII,

 

I have faced everything that you have faced and came down to the same conclusions. In fact when i read your reply I feel I'm reading my own from a parallel universe

 

Like yours mine also said, she's had enough, that she let this go on for long enough, but nope each time she'd let me back in and it would just resurface. It would be fine for a few weeks, just like yours, and then the underlying resentment from the previous fights would always come back and with each breakup COMPOUND.

 

She was such a beautiful girl, one the of most beautiful i'll ever see in my life, and so she always had some guy white knigthing her, or making her feel good, not fighting with her the way I used to. They'd be able to woo her and win her little piece by little piece each time I would fight with her. I'd tell myself each time, "this time I won't fight" , I'll keep my cool and be patient, but I could never...and she could never not escalate it. It would KILL ME to see her cry because of me to her 'guy friends' until finally the guy friends became the boyfriends.

 

When we say with each cycle the resentment was still there deep within, after each honeymoon phase..what can ever make that go away? I rememeber wishing to dear God that I could just start a fresh, this way I would have never fought with her and so She'd look at me with those eyes that she once used to...long ago. Now the feelings are all gone, excpet the resent and hate that she kept bottled up, and I'm no less.

 

 

KSII, the lingering hope of the good times will one day make up the entirety of RS is the reason I feel the OAOA cycles the way it does. I dont believe it's as much a sense of knowing your self worth as much as it is about the strong love one side of the RS faces, in fact it's so strong that he or she is able to look past his own worth and even the other's flaws, because he loves some part of that person that keeps bringing him back to her. For me it was 3 things:

 

1. the time and emotion invested

2. the fact it was comfortable, ie. she'd take me back each time was taken for granted.

3. her eyes-(my heaven)-I know it's shallow whatever.

 

 

The OAOA RS also had problems of personal boundaries for me, and that's what made it so unique, something to dissect. RSs without our personal boundaries take a devastating course to their end, which is usually tumultuous. "Where I end and you begin" There's a lack of healthy commuincation.

 

What keeps getting in the way of the OAOA? Perhaps the inability to properly resolve the problems from the previous break up. Or maybe being unable to talk about it for some reason. But each time, she would just get a little more distant, until finally it was over.

 

 

Thanks KS11

[SoThatHappened]

I think I agree with you there too. My ex finally said..she had to do what's good for her and you know what? AT the end I didnt even blame her. We both realized we wouldn't be happy but it didn't end nicely. It was so ugly the final time that even if we wanted to get back, we wouldn't be able to overcome what was said. Atleast I can't.

Again, I was at the other end of this relationship, but it's great to talk with someone on the other side of things.

 

It didn't end nicely between us either. I tried breaking it off multiple times and multiple ways, but finally just asked her to move out. Asked her to do it in 3 days. Still hurts that I did that, but didn't want to continue the pain and I knew it had to end somehow, someway.

 

Don't know if she'd ever want to get back even if I wanted to after the way it ended. Same as you.

 

But, again, the time spent together, truly trying, getting back multiple times, growing up together... etc... the love is there and will never leave. Just have to let go. It wouldn't have ended well no matter how we sliced it. Love was there, but our views/outlooks/beliefs weren't the same.

 

There's someone better and more suited for both sides in the long run... I believe

Edited July 11, 2014 by SoThatHappened

[OK_computer]

Again, I was at the other end of this relationship, but it's great to talk with someone on the other side of things.

 

It didn't end nicely between us either. I tried breaking it off multiple times and multiple ways, but finally just asked her to move out. Asked her to do it in 3 days. Still hurts that I did that, but didn't want to continue the pain and I knew it had to end somehow, someway.

 

Don't know if she'd ever want to get back even if I wanted to after the way it ended. Same as you.

 

But, again, the time spent together, truly trying, getting back multiple times, growing up together... etc... the love is there and will never leave. Just have to let go. It wouldn't have ended well no matter how we sliced it. Love was there, but our views/outlooks/beliefs weren't the same.

 

There's someone better and more suited for both sides in the long run... I believe

 

Her and I were so similar, infact our thinking was identical, and that's what made it so hard to get so deep. We had the same outlooks, and same way of dealing with fights, which was ignore until one of us gives way. And it was always a stalemate, and no mans land i between. We'd check to see if the other person was entering no mans land, and usually one of us did, and we'd reconcile. In the beginning it was her, and eventually it became me always. I was always the one that was wrong. IT WAS ALL MY FAULT.

 

Looking back now, I realized it wasn't all my fault, it was the both of us. I see her everyday, she looks at me but we keep NC. Just hopeless looks, infact l don't why we even bother at all.

 

I too know believe that I deserve better than her. She started believing it long ago. I don't know how she can be such an angel to everyone she meets but to me she was so vindictive and ready to show me her true colors. she loved to fight with me, tick me off, and drain my emotion. I think she got off on it.

[SoThatHappened]

It sounds like the main problem in your relationship was communication. Going into "no man's land" and waiting to "see if the other got there first" is not healthy.

 

Discussing problems and getting things out in the open goes a long way. You may have been compatible, and it sounds like you were, but communication was lacking.

 

When there's communication WITHOUT reconciliation, that's when you know you don't work... IMHO

[OK_computer]

It sounds like the main problem in your relationship was communication. Going into "no man's land" and waiting to "see if the other got there first" is not healthy.

 

Discussing problems and getting things out in the open goes a long way. You may have been compatible, and it sounds like you were, but communication was lacking.

 

When there's communication WITHOUT reconciliation, that's when you know you don't work... IMHO

 

 

STH,

 

That's a very interesting comment. Whats the exact relationship with compatibility and communication. Im just wondering. Is communication a measure in which we gauge compatibility?

 

I was never able to communicate the past and problems to her and nor was she, we were both better off bottling up those emotions and only expressing them in a breakup fight. Then I would think like, " this is what she thought all this time? This is how she felt? None of this was intended and I dind't mean this at all" but since these were all moribund fights leading to forseen breakup (by the end of the fight it would be over for months we both knew) I woudln't make a difference. And this cycle of misunderstanding would go on maybe 15 times in which even the things said from the first fight like 4 years ago, would still be brought up and used. It did a number on me, At one point i just coudln't understand how 2 people could do this to one another.

 

 

STH, can you explain what you mean by communication without reconcilitiation? You like cyclical arguments without fixing the underlying problem?

 

thanks

[JackieOver]

My ex and I broke up one month ago today, after being together for over nine years. This is the third time she broke up with me - this time possible for good.

 

The first time she ended it was after we were together seven years. I asked her for another chance. She said OK. We talked honestly about how we could improve our relationship and we tried our very best to stick with it. It seemed to work.

 

18 months later she dumps me again but calls me back two days later saying she made a huge mistake and wants to come back. I agreed. Once again we had an honest conversation about what happened and how we could improve. We both realized we deeply loved each other but obviously there was 'something' that wasn't totally right. What that something was, neither one of us ever really understood.

 

22 months later she dumps me again (3rd time). This time she tells me "I just can't do this anymore!". Then she cries. Next she tells me "nine years is a long time, I can't just let go like that".

 

I didn't respond. I was done with the 'roller coaster ride' of breaking up and starting again. She walked out my door, that's the last time we spoke or saw each other.

 

Yet as crazy as this ride was, we both loved each other deeply and still do. Why we went 3 times through and on/off relationship in over 9 years, I don't know.

 

Could it be that two people who truly love each other just aren't meant for each other despite both giving it their very best effort trying to make it work?

[sugarlove]

I dont have many experiences with second chances as most of my relationship after divorce weren't serious enough except for the most recent ex.

 

However based on my experience with my divorce, we tried on and off for about 5 years and it never worked. Reason being that people grow differently after each breakup, some started to learn things that they never will want to compromise, others will continue the same destructive ways thinking that it's their partner's fault all along.. so the personal growth during each break wasn't progressing the same way.

 

Usually, when my ex husband came back to me, we never talked about what broke us apart. It was merely a hope that things will get better since emotions have settled down. But we can't go on thinking it'll get better sweeping issues under the rug, eventually the same issues will come up and the same fights, same misunderstanding.

 

For a reconciliation to be successful, a lot of communication is needed to make sure both parties are not resentful of the past and both wanted the same relationship goals with this make up. But most couples don't do that..sometimes fear has a lot to do with it, they avoid the sensitive topics, hoping that things will change.. but more often than not, they won't.

 

Ultimately, if there are personalities clashes, no matter how much you love this person, it just won't work. Personalities are ingrained and habits are hard to unlearn. Even if intentions are good, the outcome won't change without a lot of hard work involved between them both.

[SoThatHappened]

 

STH, can you explain what you mean by communication without reconcilitiation? You like cyclical arguments without fixing the underlying problem?

 

thanks

 

The cyclical arguments without fixing the underlying problem is what drove me crazy. I wanted so bad to stop the cycle and get to the heart of the problem. Never could with my long-term ex. That's what finally caused me to end that relationship.

 

Look at JackiOver's response to this thread. It sounds like they communicated very well, but in the end, they couldn't make things work.

 

What I mean, and what I believe, is that lack of communication can cause a relationship to fail. Even if the two were compatible.

 

On the flip side, if communication is good and the couple STILL can't make things work, they're just not compatible.

 

These are just my opinions, and remember, opinions are like noses. Everyone has one and it usually has a couple of holes in it.

Edited July 12, 2014 by SoThatHappened

[OK_computer]

My ex and I broke up one month ago today, after being together for over nine years. This is the third time she broke up with me - this time possible for good.

 

The first time she ended it was after we were together seven years. I asked her for another chance. She said OK. We talked honestly about how we could improve our relationship and we tried our very best to stick with it. It seemed to work.

 

18 months later she dumps me again but calls me back two days later saying she made a huge mistake and wants to come back. I agreed. Once again we had an honest conversation about what happened and how we could improve. We both realized we deeply loved each other but obviously there was 'something' that wasn't totally right. What that something was, neither one of us ever really understood.

 

22 months later she dumps me again (3rd time). This time she tells me "I just can't do this anymore!". Then she cries. Next she tells me "nine years is a long time, I can't just let go like that".

 

I didn't respond. I was done with the 'roller coaster ride' of breaking up and starting again. She walked out my door, that's the last time we spoke or saw each other.

 

Yet as crazy as this ride was, we both loved each other deeply and still do. Why we went 3 times through and on/off relationship in over 9 years, I don't know.

 

Could it be that two people who truly love each other just aren't meant for each other despite both giving it their very best effort trying to make it work?

 

 

That's a very interesting point. How does love play into two people who are soul mates. Can you have soul mates without the utmost level of love? How can 2 people be in true love but are also not meant to be?

 

Though they love each other or have strong affinity for one another, they cannot overcome their persoanlity clashes that eventually result in the dissolution of the pair. But if they truly love each other, they would find a way to make it work. They would wait. Hmm.. Interesting.

[OK_computer]

I dont have many experiences with second chances as most of my relationship after divorce weren't serious enough except for the most recent ex.

 

However based on my experience with my divorce, we tried on and off for about 5 years and it never worked. Reason being that people grow differently after each breakup, some started to learn things that they never will want to compromise, others will continue the same destructive ways thinking that it's their partner's fault all along.. so the personal growth during each break wasn't progressing the same way.

 

Usually, when my ex husband came back to me, we never talked about what broke us apart. It was merely a hope that things will get better since emotions have settled down. But we can't go on thinking it'll get better sweeping issues under the rug, eventually the same issues will come up and the same fights, same misunderstanding.

 

For a reconciliation to be successful, a lot of communication is needed to make sure both parties are not resentful of the past and both wanted the same relationship goals with this make up. But most couples don't do that..sometimes fear has a lot to do with it, they avoid the sensitive topics, hoping that things will change.. but more often than not, they won't.

 

Ultimately, if there are personalities clashes, no matter how much you love this person, it just won't work. Personalities are ingrained and habits are hard to unlearn. Even if intentions are good, the outcome won't change without a lot of hard work involved between them both.

 

Sugarlove,

 

I invested a lot of time, or wasted a lot of time, thinking about this because to me the on and off RS pattern is so rare to come by, and be a part of. What is it that causes one or both of these 2 people to constantly RETURN to this RS? Is it the comfort? Is it familiarity? Is it the sex?

 

Or is there something there, a bond,or an illusion thereof? I think you are right when it comes to what happned to me. I believe, I truly hoped so earnestly so...that perhaps through all the chances and advances I had made towards building an everlasting RS with my ex, that ONE DAY I would have her in my arms FOR GOOD. And each time it would begin as a new beginning, where the past was history, a bygone, and we would both look forward to a boat ride into the orange sunset.

 

I would hope, and hope, and it would fuel my existence. But see..my hope though so earnest, is not action enough to bring about the stability this RS needed. Hope isnt enough.

 

But the emotional blackmail, the unsaid taboo of talking out the past misunderstandings, would scare me as they could jeporadize what little hope I had when each cycle would begin again. So I'd keep quiet and appease, until she'd do something to make me angry and make me lose my cool, which i could notarize and send you to be without 3 weeks of the makeup. This went on for 4 years and 15+ cycles.

 

 

Deep down though, though this may be unrequited or some other odd unconventional type of love, When I gave up and we broke up for the last time, I was truly at peace. Because I knew I had given it my whole, and so had she, we both realized in that instant that this would not work. period. There was no sugar coating it. I was also relieved knowing I gave it my best, I experienced something rare, and so had she.

 

But the type of depression of self loate and angst, though present, was soothed by knowing that it wasn't because she didn't love me or care of me or know who I was that this RS had ended, but because of the inevitable reality of all things, which had proven to me time and again that this RS the two of us, would not be able to in all eternity be together because of our nature. Our nature, our signs, our out looks had did us in.