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Take 4! Commitment phobia or???


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Shadowkissed

My ex boyfriend and I have been "seeing" each other for 7 months. We were officially dating and then in a relationship for 5 months. There was a ton of stuff that happened in that short of time. Honestly we didn't communicate well and were both coming from long periods of no relationships. We were still trying to be singles and yet a couple. He came on hot and strong, was very loving and affectionate, but things just kinda went downhill after a few big fights. Anyway, we broke up and didn't talk for a day, he came to pick up his stuff and texted me that night. We proceeded to talk for a couple weeks with the understanding that we would see how things go. He said he has tried the get back together game and it always is worse the second time. So after two weeks he decides to "leave it" and not get back together. We stop talking for 3 days and he contacts me again. I stupidly started talking to him again, because I am in love with him. Again, another two weeks go by and then he just stops talking to me for 4 days. I admittedly don't contact him either. I get a text saying he went on a date and even though we aren't together, he wanted to be honest. I kinda lost it. I told him I was hurt and couldn't just be his friend because I loved him. I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore because it wasn't good for either of us and maybe some day we could be friends. 3 days later I get a text saying he doesn't understand why we can't be friends. I told him I can't be friends with him when I still care about him and it hurts too much to see him dating and moving on. He said he isn't dating anyone and wants to meet with me. That was over a week ago. He has been in contact daily and we have seen each other multiple times. When I met him he said he has commitment issues that stem from his parents being married multiple times and in bad relationships. I asked him what he was afraid of? He didn't answer so I asked if it was being locked down? He said he wasn't sure. I told him a relationship is what we make it and communication is the key. We were so worried about fitting a mold of what we should be and didn't check in to see what we both wanted.

 

I am so confused. He seems to want me in his life and keeps coming around, but yet when it gets serious he bolts. I don't know what I should do. I obviously love him and want to try and make this work. He has some signs of commitment issues, but I think its more of wanting the freedom to go places and do things without feeling bad. To be upfront I am very independent and don't care if he spends time with his friends, just as long as I can see him too. I am worried now because we are closing in on week two and wondering if it is going to be another disaster. I can't go another round with this.

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My ex boyfriend and I have been "seeing" each other for 7 months. We were officially dating and then in a relationship for 5 months. There was a ton of stuff that happened in that short of time. Honestly we didn't communicate well and were both coming from long periods of no relationships. We were still trying to be singles and yet a couple. He came on hot and strong, was very loving and affectionate, but things just kinda went downhill after a few big fights. Anyway, we broke up and didn't talk for a day, he came to pick up his stuff and texted me that night. We proceeded to talk for a couple weeks with the understanding that we would see how things go. He said he has tried the get back together game and it always is worse the second time. So after two weeks he decides to "leave it" and not get back together. We stop talking for 3 days and he contacts me again. I stupidly started talking to him again, because I am in love with him. Again, another two weeks go by and then he just stops talking to me for 4 days. I admittedly don't contact him either. I get a text saying he went on a date and even though we aren't together, he wanted to be honest. I kinda lost it. I told him I was hurt and couldn't just be his friend because I loved him. I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore because it wasn't good for either of us and maybe some day we could be friends. 3 days later I get a text saying he doesn't understand why we can't be friends. I told him I can't be friends with him when I still care about him and it hurts too much to see him dating and moving on. He said he isn't dating anyone and wants to meet with me. That was over a week ago. He has been in contact daily and we have seen each other multiple times. When I met him he said he has commitment issues that stem from his parents being married multiple times and in bad relationships. I asked him what he was afraid of? He didn't answer so I asked if it was being locked down? He said he wasn't sure. I told him a relationship is what we make it and communication is the key. We were so worried about fitting a mold of what we should be and didn't check in to see what we both wanted.

 

I am so confused. He seems to want me in his life and keeps coming around, but yet when it gets serious he bolts. I don't know what I should do. I obviously love him and want to try and make this work. He has some signs of commitment issues, but I think its more of wanting the freedom to go places and do things without feeling bad. To be upfront I am very independent and don't care if he spends time with his friends, just as long as I can see him too. I am worried now because we are closing in on week two and wondering if it is going to be another disaster. I can't go another round with this.

 

Hi! This honestly and unfortunately sounds like that familiar game called mixed messages. For whatever reason, his contact and interest with you changes each and every moment. Does not matter what the real reason is on his end as much as the way you interpret his actual actions on your end. His constant changes have you frustrated. This is a specific reaction which makes complete sense.

 

The most important effect of this is that you are left wondering what in the world is going on. False hope is followed by direct disappointment. Yes, you definitely love him and it makes it so much easier to be drawn into all of the daily drama.

 

But, here is the thing. Love happens to go both ways. Is this the way you want to continue on? He needs to step up to the plate and must be constantly willing to work with you on whatever issues inhibit him. You deserve and need a consistent partner who is going to be there for you no matter what. One who shows his love the way you happen to deserve.

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Shadowkissed

You totally hit is spot on. A lot of the issues we have is how we interpret what the other is saying and we get hurt and withdraw because of it. Communication is still an issue, mostly on my end because I have no clue what we are. I have people saying go with the flow and view this as dating again and others that say make it define what we are.

 

I do deserve someone that is willing to work on a relationship and no just run. After I had stopped communication I kept asking everyone why other people have people that fight for them, but I don't.

 

Should I be taking this last week as a good sign because I stopped communication and told him my boundaries and now he seems to be trying? I know I need to have that talk, but I am worried it will freak him out with his commitment issues.....

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You totally hit is spot on. A lot of the issues we have is how we interpret what the other is saying and we get hurt and withdraw because of it. Communication is still an issue, mostly on my end because I have no clue what we are. I have people saying go with the flow and view this as dating again and others that say make it define what we are.

 

I do deserve someone that is willing to work on a relationship and no just run. After I had stopped communication I kept asking everyone why other people have people that fight for them, but I don't.

 

Should I be taking this last week as a good sign because I stopped communication and told him my boundaries and now he seems to be trying? I know I need to have that talk, but I am worried it will freak him out with his commitment issues.....

 

Here is the thing. You cannot necessarily figure out where you are at in your mind unless you have all of the facts and feelings on his end. These cannot change from him each and every day. It is not at all fair to you.

 

Because of this, you cannot possibly go forward with your actions. No matter whether he is involved within them or not. In essence, not knowing can be just as bad as realizing it is not going to work. Time is always moving and is unfortunately not limited.

 

I do sense that there are some issues of commitment on his end. Our past cannot help but have an effect on us. However, we also cannot allow for it to define us. Plus, he also needs to realize that all events in life are specific. Just because we encounter issues in the past does not mean they will follow us in the future.

 

I know that this may sound rather blunt. But, if he truly does care about you enough to make it work, he will be willing to work on his issues going forward. This is why you may have to continue to be honest and open with him. Even as much of a challenge as it may be.

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Shadowkissed

You are right. He does seems to change how he feels about things on a day to day basis. Mostly depending on his mood. I can't judge how I am supposed to be acting when I don't know what is going on.

 

I know my biggest fear is pushing the issue and him saying he is done....again. I should realize though that if it happens, it is going to anyway. The only person who truly knows what is going on, is him and I am not sure he even knows!

 

I remember during one of our fights saying something along the lines of "I am not your ex, any of them, we aren't that couple." He has to see that yes its okay to be fearful and it is real to him, but you can't keep holding this relationship accountable for it.

 

I need blunt. You are right, if he truly cares about me, he would be willing to do almost anything to keep me in his life. I don't know if his continuing to come back is his way of trying, but if it is, he has to do better.

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You are right. He does seems to change how he feels about things on a day to day basis. Mostly depending on his mood. I can't judge how I am supposed to be acting when I don't know what is going on.

 

I know my biggest fear is pushing the issue and him saying he is done....again. I should realize though that if it happens, it is going to anyway. The only person who truly knows what is going on, is him and I am not sure he even knows!

 

I remember during one of our fights saying something along the lines of "I am not your ex, any of them, we aren't that couple." He has to see that yes its okay to be fearful and it is real to him, but you can't keep holding this relationship accountable for it.

 

I need blunt. You are right, if he truly cares about me, he would be willing to do almost anything to keep me in his life. I don't know if his continuing to come back is his way of trying, but if it is, he has to do better.

 

All of us get in a mood. It's just not possible to just be happy all of the time. But, how we treat one another (especially those most important to us) should not be based on the kind of day we are having. Love should not have to be conditional in any type of way.

 

With any kind of proactive response, there is always the possibility of getting hurt. Yet, still better to know now than to be led on even longer if nothing good is going to come of this. Much better to know one way or the other I think. This way, you can move on sooner with your life.

 

It sounds as if you are trying to have honest and open communication with him in a consistent manner. He has to be able to meet you half-way. I am not sure if his coming back is a way of trying. Regardless, what it is doing is just making you more confused. He needs to appreciate this thought of yours.

 

Sometimes, a little effort can go pretty far when it comes to some. Things are not going to necessarily get better overnight. Even with all of the effort and time in the world. There always has to be a start. It needs to be a new beginning without any kind of wandering.

 

If you are going to be together, he needs to make more of a consistent effort to make this work for the both of you. You need to find the right partner for you and vice versa. It does not mean that he is a bad person at all if this does not work. Nor, that you can care for him any less.

 

This is not an easy time for you. Sure, you can choose to merely exist. You would never run the risk of getting hurt. Yet, you also would not be fully living. With this comes the kind of priceless rewards that no amount of words can justify. You sound like a very intelligent and intuitive woman. You simply have a right to experience all that is extraordinary. Do not settle for any less than you happen to deserve.

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Shadowkissed

You are right that we all get in a mood, but he seems to get into some depression. I think that is what happened when we initially broke up. Sadly I worked up some nerve to talk to him about how things were going downhill, but we didn't get any further then he has depression issues and it was nothing I was doing. Sadly people usually take out their moods on the people closest to them.

 

You are right, its better to know then waste another few weeks or months on the unknown.

 

I had hoped after the conversation we had and my telling him I can't just be friends with him, that his stick around meant something, but I will never know unless I ask.

 

I am trying and I think he is, its more like we are dating again and that is fine...as long as that is what it is. I don't want to think we are dating and find out we were just friends hanging out.

 

Exactly, he has to make a consistent effort. That is the whole point. He can make little bursts of effort, but he has to be consistent for this to work. However we can't force something if it isn't working, no matter how much we care about each other.

 

I know we just started talking about this, but you have really good insight. I did choose to merely exist before taking a risk and dating him. It was easier for me to pretend I was happy being alone. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me feedback, it means a lot.

 

I do deserve so much better and I need to start acting like it.

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You are right that we all get in a mood, but he seems to get into some depression. I think that is what happened when we initially broke up. Sadly I worked up some nerve to talk to him about how things were going downhill, but we didn't get any further then he has depression issues and it was nothing I was doing. Sadly people usually take out their moods on the people closest to them.

 

You are right, its better to know then waste another few weeks or months on the unknown.

 

I had hoped after the conversation we had and my telling him I can't just be friends with him, that his stick around meant something, but I will never know unless I ask.

 

I am trying and I think he is, its more like we are dating again and that is fine...as long as that is what it is. I don't want to think we are dating and find out we were just friends hanging out.

 

Exactly, he has to make a consistent effort. That is the whole point. He can make little bursts of effort, but he has to be consistent for this to work. However we can't force something if it isn't working, no matter how much we care about each other.

 

I know we just started talking about this, but you have really good insight. I did choose to merely exist before taking a risk and dating him. It was easier for me to pretend I was happy being alone. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me feedback, it means a lot.

 

I do deserve so much better and I need to start acting like it.

 

Having a partner who is usually depressed can definitely take it's toll on you. My ex-wife was bipolar and it absolutely affected the relationship in a negative way. She always took all of her anger out on me. Since I was the closest in proximity. Regardless of all that is going on with him. No matter how much you may care for this man. None of us deserve to be treated like a punching bag.

 

It makes sense that you would struggle being able to be friends with him because of the intensity. Hard when one wants to only be friends and the other wants a full relationship. You have to do what is ultimately best on your end of things. It is not being selfish at all.

 

I have found out the hard way that you cannot force what you may want the most. Nothing good comes out of what does not happen naturally. All of this will work out in the end the way it is meant to. This is a huge moment and decision. It is not something which necessarily needs to be forced.

 

Thank you for the very kind words. I just have a lot of experience within negative relationships that gives me a different kind of perspective on things. If any of what I have said can help at all, then that is what really matters. And yes, you do deserve extraordinary! He needs to wake up and realize that once and for all. Or, you may just need to move on. As hard as it may be in the short term, it will still be worth it in the end.

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Shadowkissed

I have never dealt with anyone that has depression, I myself have had it in the past, but made sure to seek treatment asap. He doesn't seem to either think its a problem or really want to deal with it. He just nonchalantly mentioned that he has had it and his family has thought he needed treatment at times. I know it's a medical condition, but its really hard to deal with. I am sorry you had to go through that and I have no doubt it took a heavy toll on the relationship.

 

I once heard somewhere that for exes to stay friends (not including having children together) they either a) never were in love or b) one of them still is. I am not sure if that is true, but there is no way I could be just friends with someone I still have feelings for.

 

I fully agree that as much as you want something to happen, it either will or it wont. You can't bend over backwards or try to cater to their every whim or need, just to make them happy. You have to be yourself and meet half way and it will or wont work.

 

Sometimes it's easier to talk to total strangers about relationship issues because my friends and family are pretty judgmental. You have helped a lot and made me reconsider a lot of my "thinking" and decide to just ask. We haven't met up recently because we work different shifts, but I hope to work up enough nerve to just put it all out there. He will either decide I am worth working on things or not and like you said it may hurt in the short term, but in the long term it will be better for both of us.

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I have never dealt with anyone that has depression, I myself have had it in the past, but made sure to seek treatment asap. He doesn't seem to either think its a problem or really want to deal with it. He just nonchalantly mentioned that he has had it and his family has thought he needed treatment at times. I know it's a medical condition, but its really hard to deal with. I am sorry you had to go through that and I have no doubt it took a heavy toll on the relationship.

 

I once heard somewhere that for exes to stay friends (not including having children together) they either a) never were in love or b) one of them still is. I am not sure if that is true, but there is no way I could be just friends with someone I still have feelings for.

 

I fully agree that as much as you want something to happen, it either will or it wont. You can't bend over backwards or try to cater to their every whim or need, just to make them happy. You have to be yourself and meet half way and it will or wont work.

 

Sometimes it's easier to talk to total strangers about relationship issues because my friends and family are pretty judgmental. You have helped a lot and made me reconsider a lot of my "thinking" and decide to just ask. We haven't met up recently because we work different shifts, but I hope to work up enough nerve to just put it all out there. He will either decide I am worth working on things or not and like you said it may hurt in the short term, but in the long term it will be better for both of us.

 

 

Hi! Depression is most likely one of the most misunderstood medical conditions out there. So sad how it takes such a toll on those who suffer from it. Just as hard for those who care to watch someone be held back from it. There is definitely a difference between having a specific bad day as opposed to full out clinical depression. It sounds as if he may have an extended form of it. As sad and as blunt as it is, unless he is ready to address it, there is not too much you can really do.

 

 

It makes total sense you could not be friends with him at this point. Your feelings are incredibly intense. This is why you want so bad for it all to work. You just have to do what is best on your end. Even if he wants to be friends, that may not be what works for you. He has the choice to decide if he wants to try to make this relationship work. You have the choice to decide how to react based on his decisions. Please try to not forget that.

 

I totally get what you mean by it being hard to talk with friends and family about what is not easy to address. Even though they care for us, there are usually strong opinions one way or the other. I am thrilled that my words have helped a little and will very happily continue to offer any support with this situation going forward.

 

 

You may just have to lay it all on the line at this point. Communication is not always an easy thing. Yet, that does not make it any less necessary. I sense that you are quite the catch. He needs to acknowledge this before losing you once and for all. Sure, he has issues. We all have them to be honest. That does not mean we cannot and should not try working through them. Especially, if there is a benefit on the other end. Which is the reward of becoming a better person.

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Shadowkissed

I fully agree about depression being misunderstood. I am of the mind that seeking treatment and medication if necessary is an option. There are people that are fully against that and prefer to manage their own way. This is going to sound horrible, but my Mom's boyfriend has a personality disorder and depression and has been a nightmare to live with (when I was younger) and now to deal with, he is of the mind that he doesn't need medication and just makes everyone else suffer. After ten plus years of dealing with him, I vowed I would never deal with someone that suffered with depression or other mental illnesses and here I am. I agree that someone can only help themselves and I am fully willing to support him, if he actively wants to change.

 

Right before this last attempt at whatever, I had let him know we may be able to be friends in the future, but it would be a long time because I had to let the feelings go. So I wasn't fully shutting him out, I just needed a long period of no contact to get over him. However he lasted three days. I was fully prepared to take the steps to cut off contact.

 

I appreciate the support so much. I also think my friends and family are tired of the drama. I am the type of person that needs to talk things through and that is how I process and they just got tired of hearing the same stuff over and over after each try.

 

I like to think I would be good for him or anyone, I have had a lot of bad relationships in the past and allowed men to treat me badly. I sit and think about myself and qualities and wonder what is wrong with me. It's a nasty habit. I agree we all have problems and nobody is perfect, but we have to be willing to try and that is all I am asking him.

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I fully agree about depression being misunderstood. I am of the mind that seeking treatment and medication if necessary is an option. There are people that are fully against that and prefer to manage their own way. This is going to sound horrible, but my Mom's boyfriend has a personality disorder and depression and has been a nightmare to live with (when I was younger) and now to deal with, he is of the mind that he doesn't need medication and just makes everyone else suffer. After ten plus years of dealing with him, I vowed I would never deal with someone that suffered with depression or other mental illnesses and here I am. I agree that someone can only help themselves and I am fully willing to support him, if he actively wants to change.

 

Right before this last attempt at whatever, I had let him know we may be able to be friends in the future, but it would be a long time because I had to let the feelings go. So I wasn't fully shutting him out, I just needed a long period of no contact to get over him. However he lasted three days. I was fully prepared to take the steps to cut off contact.

 

I appreciate the support so much. I also think my friends and family are tired of the drama. I am the type of person that needs to talk things through and that is how I process and they just got tired of hearing the same stuff over and over after each try.

 

I like to think I would be good for him or anyone, I have had a lot of bad relationships in the past and allowed men to treat me badly. I sit and think about myself and qualities and wonder what is wrong with me. It's a nasty habit. I agree we all have problems and nobody is perfect, but we have to be willing to try and that is all I am asking him.

 

 

The way I look at it, anything which makes one feel better is something that should be explored. Being healthy and happy can only make those who care about us full of joy. I am so sorry to hear that you had to deal with that prior nightmare. The struggles we go through in life can only make us appreciate our successes even more.

 

 

Please do not even try to beat yourself up with any of this. We cannot completely control those who we fall for. Nor, can you have any complete control over your emotions and feelings as a result of his actions and non-actions. Your emotions and feelings are important simply because they are of your own.

 

 

You definitely deserve to get some support! I am a heavy communicator as well. It helps to analyze and evaluate the facts of any important situation. That way, we can decide on our plan of action. This is an important incident in your life. Thus, it is not something which necessarily needs to be rushed. More reason why it would be helpful to know his definitive decision before proceeding with your own. He should know where you happen to stand at this point.

 

 

I cannot even tell you how many bad relationships have been had on this end. Not horrible people at all. Just ones who were not right for me. All of these experiences have made me more aware of who I am as a person. Never will I settle for less than is deserved. I take all the negative that comes to me and turn it into a positive. Life is one learning experience after another. There is nothing wrong with you at all for wanting to have the best partner possible. You seem to have many qualities which more than one man would find intriguing. Just the fact that you are being so patient says a lot in itself. It is my sincere hope that he realizes what he has before it ends up being too late for good.

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Shadowkissed

That is so true. There are all forms of treatment for depression and as long as you are trying, I can fully support the person. It truly is our past that makes us who we are. Sadly I have let it shut me down and withdraw from things.

 

I have tried to step back and really look at the big picture and not blame myself for anything that is happening. It is very hard. I think everyone wants answers for why and sadly my ex or whatever he is, isn't very forthcoming with answers. The first break up was "The spark that was there in the beginning is gone and there is nothing you did." Of course in my woman brain, that meant he didn't find me attractive. Thank you for the reminder that my emotions and feelings are important because they are mine, a lot of people are quick to dismiss them as unimportant, they feel an answer that nullifies my feelings, makes them disappear.

 

It would be good to know where he is at, I have a feeling that will be a bit difficult. He likes to run and hide from any heavy conversations. So approaching him and making him talk about it, is going to be difficult.

 

It is great that you are able to turn negatives into a positive. I try to not let things get to me, but its hard not to as "why me?". I am sorry to hear you have had many bad relationships and its good you can say they aren't bad people. I tend to want my exes to disappear lol I think my sticking around and dealing with so much that he has put on me, should be a good sign to him, but I am not sure if he really even considers it. I really hope he realizes what he has before its too late as well, because I think this is his last chance.

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That is so true. There are all forms of treatment for depression and as long as you are trying, I can fully support the person. It truly is our past that makes us who we are. Sadly I have let it shut me down and withdraw from things.

 

I have tried to step back and really look at the big picture and not blame myself for anything that is happening. It is very hard. I think everyone wants answers for why and sadly my ex or whatever he is, isn't very forthcoming with answers. The first break up was "The spark that was there in the beginning is gone and there is nothing you did." Of course in my woman brain, that meant he didn't find me attractive. Thank you for the reminder that my emotions and feelings are important because they are mine, a lot of people are quick to dismiss them as unimportant, they feel an answer that nullifies my feelings, makes them disappear.

 

It would be good to know where he is at, I have a feeling that will be a bit difficult. He likes to run and hide from any heavy conversations. So approaching him and making him talk about it, is going to be difficult.

 

It is great that you are able to turn negatives into a positive. I try to not let things get to me, but its hard not to as "why me?". I am sorry to hear you have had many bad relationships and its good you can say they aren't bad people. I tend to want my exes to disappear lol I think my sticking around and dealing with so much that he has put on me, should be a good sign to him, but I am not sure if he really even considers it. I really hope he realizes what he has before its too late as well, because I think this is his last chance.

 

What is sad is that so many out there do not really realize how much just a little effort is truly appreciated. Again, not all of this can be completely fixed overnight. Just the knowledge that the person you are with has your back no matter what has the power to be quite comforting. You are honestly not sure if he has your back or not and his mixed messages make it nothing other than confusing. This is why you need to figure out exactly where he stands. Even though it will be exceptionally challenging. Just know that you have to talk it out so that you can find the answers you are looking for. Not to mention the ones which you definitively deserve. I will be here as a support to you!

 

 

Because of my negative experiences growing up, some have asked me how I have become so positive. The answer is that there is truly no other alternative. You have to go out and control life before it ends up controlling you. Especially, during those really defining moments.

 

 

Anyone who truly cares for you should care about your emotions and feelings. Even if he or she has completely different ones. Or, even if he/she does not totally understand them. It's how you interpret things which should mean more than what his original intent is. Whether or not he has meant to confuse you, it has been the end result. He wants you to understand these commitment issues of his. Well, then, he needs to also appreciate exactly how you feel on your end! He needs to really realize how his actions have effected you. It goes both ways within a relationship. It is almost as if he is in control of things. Now is the time in which you need to proactively take back the control of your own happiness!

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Shadowkissed

You are so right. Just knowing that he is willing to try, hearing those words would do so much to ease my discomfort. As it is the text communication has been limited this week and I feel like the week we had, that was great, is already fading. We are entering on week two and that is usually when he either gets bored or decides to run. We have no plans to meet up and I don't know if I am just over thinking things. I don't want to talk to him via text or on the phone about whatever we are, I feel he has an easier time running or avoiding the topic. I appreciate your support and I have a feeling he isn't really wanting a relationship, so this may be the last try.

 

You are a very strong person, you have gone through a lot and still manage to be positive. I don't think I have that, I love my life and enjoy it, but I have closed myself off. This is the first person I have opened myself up to, in a long time. I didn't fully let him in and I think he knows that and was questioning if I even cared. After attempt after attempt, I would hope he knows that I do now.

 

It is 100% that he is in control of things. This last time is the ONLY time I have taken control. I cut off communication, I haven't been good about taking control since though. I let him guide the relationship up to that point and that was totally my error. I am not so sure he wants me to understand his commitment issues, so much as its his excuse for his behavior. I am just so confused. I try to make a mental list of the facts and go off that. He obviously cares about, he wants me in his life (because he keeps coming back), he enjoys spending time with me and is attracted to me. So those are the things I know. However I don't know if he wants a relationship, if he is looking for someone else or if he just likes the chase and now wants the "butterflies" with someone else. I know I over think things a lot, but until we have the talk about things, I am going to have this uneasy feeling.

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You are so right. Just knowing that he is willing to try, hearing those words would do so much to ease my discomfort. As it is the text communication has been limited this week and I feel like the week we had, that was great, is already fading. We are entering on week two and that is usually when he either gets bored or decides to run. We have no plans to meet up and I don't know if I am just over thinking things. I don't want to talk to him via text or on the phone about whatever we are, I feel he has an easier time running or avoiding the topic. I appreciate your support and I have a feeling he isn't really wanting a relationship, so this may be the last try.

 

You are a very strong person, you have gone through a lot and still manage to be positive. I don't think I have that, I love my life and enjoy it, but I have closed myself off. This is the first person I have opened myself up to, in a long time. I didn't fully let him in and I think he knows that and was questioning if I even cared. After attempt after attempt, I would hope he knows that I do now.

 

It is 100% that he is in control of things. This last time is the ONLY time I have taken control. I cut off communication, I haven't been good about taking control since though. I let him guide the relationship up to that point and that was totally my error. I am not so sure he wants me to understand his commitment issues, so much as its his excuse for his behavior. I am just so confused. I try to make a mental list of the facts and go off that. He obviously cares about, he wants me in his life (because he keeps coming back), he enjoys spending time with me and is attracted to me. So those are the things I know. However I don't know if he wants a relationship, if he is looking for someone else or if he just likes the chase and now wants the "butterflies" with someone else. I know I over think things a lot, but until we have the talk about things, I am going to have this uneasy feeling.

 

 

Those words would definitely be a start. Yet, it is honestly one's actions which always mean the most. I am a writer and working on a movie script. Words are a huge part of who I am. Even still, words which are not backed up by the same kind of action have the tendency to become sort of empty. His limited contact and partial avoidance suggest that he is not at the point that you would like and need him to be at. Remember the fact that you deserve extraordinary! Because of being so yourself.

 

 

You are also rather observant. I do like to think of myself as sort of a strong soul. It is perhaps the intensity of my past negative experiences which gives me a different kind of perspective on the most positive things.

 

 

Opening up to someone sort of makes you vulnerable. This is why relationships can be so relentless in intensity one way or the other. The fact that you have the tendency to be more reserved is even more reason he should respect what you are trying to give him. If he cannot, then he is simply not the right one for you.

 

 

Though he does keep coming back to you, still I worry about the mixed messages that are being recieved. Sure, I know he has commitment issues. I have struggled with the same based on losing my parents at an early age and after going through cruel abuse after that. There comes a time when one needs to recognize that all in life is specific.

 

 

Life is all about priorities and recognizing what we have. He has a pretty amazing woman here who is willing to take the time to work things out. If he truly wants to be with you, then he will start to commit once and for all. Regardless of his relentless fears.

 

 

The choice is completely his. If he cannot change his recent behaviors, then you are really may need to consider moving on. Otherwise, you are going to be stuck in the same exact situation going forward. Which is going to only hold the both of you back.

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Shadowkissed

You are right, he would have to back up the words. Today I have been in a weird mood and I don't know if its my pushing my feelings on him or if something has changed. I just feel like communication still isn't good and it's just strained.

 

You are a strong soul, I thought I was....after this experience I don't think so anymore.

 

You can't love unless you open yourself up, that is what I have heard time and time again. Loving is hurting and if you aren't open to be hurt than you aren't open for love. I would hope that he can see that I am trying...so hard, but I am not sure if he does or cares.

 

I am sorry you have gone through so much in your life. Being able to identify commitment issues because of your past and overcoming them, is huge! I guess its wishful thinking that his coming back is a sign of caring, love or wanting a relationship.

 

I remember after the first time we broke up, I said to him I think he is worth trying to make things work and his response was he wasn't sure he wanted to try. I don't know if he was still pissed off at me or what. I just don't understand why I wouldn't be worth a second chance. Saying that in the past it has gone bad is not an answer. I am not that person. To me it says you don't care enough about me to be with me.

 

You are right, the choice is fully his. He knows where I stand. This is his final chance. I can't keep doing this. Each time has crushed me a little more and I deserve better.

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You are right, he would have to back up the words. Today I have been in a weird mood and I don't know if its my pushing my feelings on him or if something has changed. I just feel like communication still isn't good and it's just strained.

 

You are a strong soul, I thought I was....after this experience I don't think so anymore.

 

You can't love unless you open yourself up, that is what I have heard time and time again. Loving is hurting and if you aren't open to be hurt than you aren't open for love. I would hope that he can see that I am trying...so hard, but I am not sure if he does or cares.

 

I am sorry you have gone through so much in your life. Being able to identify commitment issues because of your past and overcoming them, is huge! I guess its wishful thinking that his coming back is a sign of caring, love or wanting a relationship.

 

I remember after the first time we broke up, I said to him I think he is worth trying to make things work and his response was he wasn't sure he wanted to try. I don't know if he was still pissed off at me or what. I just don't understand why I wouldn't be worth a second chance. Saying that in the past it has gone bad is not an answer. I am not that person. To me it says you don't care enough about me to be with me.

 

You are right, the choice is fully his. He knows where I stand. This is his final chance. I can't keep doing this. Each time has crushed me a little more and I deserve better.

 

You cannot judge yourself as weak just based on this experience. I am not necessarily stronger than you or anyone else. I have just been through a few things is all. This includes all of the negative relationships. Love is also not always for everyone. Finding it has completely consumed me. Not because of what I need. But, because of what I want to give. Being through so much bad has made me more appreciative and sensitive as to how a person should treat another. I also refuse to let my past define me as a person. That is all it really is.

 

 

I sense that you want to find love and are willing to go all out to do so. I also know that you have intense feelings for this man. It's not that a happy and healthy relationship is not in the cards for you. It's just the simple fact that this specific person may not really be the right one.

 

 

Because, a relationship takes both partners always working at it. So, no matter how intense your own feelings are, they are not being matched on his end. Not even half-way to be honest. What makes you think he is all of a sudden going to change? He has not given one indication that he truly wants to fight for you. This is likely only going to cause problems for you going forward. Even if he comes running back with bells on at this point. Even if you do end up staying together. There is always likely going to doubt in the back of your mind.

 

 

This is where it may make sense to move on. Even as much of a challenge this will be in the short-term. Your happiness going forward is too important to have any sort of doubt lingering over it.

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Shadowkissed

It is good that you decided to use your past to make you stronger, for whatever reason I used the hurt to hide. I put up walls and made myself unavailable. Probably not the best way to deal with things.

 

I have a lot of love to give and would love to have that returned. Having someone there that has my back and cares about me, was amazing. To have that with someone long term is my goal.

 

I agree, it will always be an issue that he could cut and run because things aren't perfect. Even if we are to get back together, that isn't acceptable behavior. I know he is used to being single and wanting to be on his own, but even now I am not much of a priority to him. We hadn't seen each other all week and he scheduled a camping trip and a river trip over the weekend, so only because it rained did he end up spending time with me. I know I really should just let him go and having the talk about what this is, is probably going to be the means to an end.

 

I don't know if it will make anything more easier in the short-term. I care about him a lot and miss him when I don't talk to him. I know it time that will get better, but it was very hard the last time. I just don't know what to do. I want him to care is all. He makes comments about we will do this or we will do that and if he gets hurt I will take care of him.....that's the stuff that makes me think he is thinking long-term, but then he spends no time with me and hasn't made a commitment.

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It is good that you decided to use your past to make you stronger, for whatever reason I used the hurt to hide. I put up walls and made myself unavailable. Probably not the best way to deal with things.

 

I have a lot of love to give and would love to have that returned. Having someone there that has my back and cares about me, was amazing. To have that with someone long term is my goal.

 

I agree, it will always be an issue that he could cut and run because things aren't perfect. Even if we are to get back together, that isn't acceptable behavior. I know he is used to being single and wanting to be on his own, but even now I am not much of a priority to him. We hadn't seen each other all week and he scheduled a camping trip and a river trip over the weekend, so only because it rained did he end up spending time with me. I know I really should just let him go and having the talk about what this is, is probably going to be the means to an end.

 

I don't know if it will make anything more easier in the short-term. I care about him a lot and miss him when I don't talk to him. I know it time that will get better, but it was very hard the last time. I just don't know what to do. I want him to care is all. He makes comments about we will do this or we will do that and if he gets hurt I will take care of him.....that's the stuff that makes me think he is thinking long-term, but then he spends no time with me and hasn't made a commitment.

 

 

Hi! I definitely see some of myself within you. The hurt used to be hid on this end as well. I looked at it all like this. As long as I was not directing my anger outward, then it was a favorable way to cope with the issues. I tend to be sort of quiet at times and do not really like colossal confrontations. What I realized is that holding it all in was making everything even worse. Nothing at all was being solved. This is why open communication continues to be so important. Even though it is many times incredibly challenging.

 

 

Life is all about priorities. What is most important to us is very different. Because finding happiness with someone is so important to you, it cannot be down on the list of priorities for someone else. It is only going to lead to more possible problems down the road. He only spent time with you because his original plans did not work out. No matter how much fun you may have had. This is an important fact to remember.

 

 

I know it is hard to stop thinking about him right now. So, it may not be easy to think of yourself with someone else. The easier soultion would be to wait it out with him and take it all day-by-day. However, another choice would be to take that more direct approach we have already perused. I know that you want some sort of commitment. The kind that you definitely deserve.

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