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I'm 52 and lost the love of my life. What now? [Update]


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Hi. I'm new here. Spent some time yesterday and today reading some threads on breaking up, etc. So much good stuff here!

 

But here's my thing. I will be 52 on Wed. My (ex)bf is 54. We went out for just over a year, and then out of nowhere I got a breakup text (yea), on May 28th.

 

I read the threads on how to behave after a breakup, here, and of course know all about all that. I am a love addict and he is a love avoidant but that's another topic. Anyway, for the month of June I tried intermittantly to find out why he broke up, as well as just sort of staying in contact via text, and I showed up at his house twice. The most no contact I went was 4 days.

 

I could go on and on about what happened etc and I might in subsequent posts but my main issue is this. I am 52. I was alone for 16 years before I met this guy, he was the love of my life. (I have been divorced those 16 years, and really did not date.) My bf also had been alone for many years (or only had short-lived r'ships) after his marriage ended around 10 or so years ago.

 

We both believed we were finally at the end of the line, he said he finally knew real love for the first time in his life, said we'd be together forever, etc etc. All the classic things a love avoidant says at first ...until he feels threatened or suffocated and bolts. (That is why I think he left, although he nit picked all sorts of reasons, most of which were old wars we already made peace on).

 

The advise on this forum and elsewhere is ALWAYS, "Move on. The love of your life is waiting."

 

Well what if you're almost a f'ing senior citizen, like I am, and THIS IS the love of your life? What if you've lived long enough already to KNOW this was it? It took me that long to find him (and him to find me) and now he's gone just like that...and being an avoidant he has immersed himself in work, hobbies, car repairs, helping friends etc to the point of running himself ragged. He has not thought about our r'ship. He has not thought about me. (I know this because he told me so).

 

After trying off and on during June to stay in touch and get him to explain why etc, I have decided to go no contact and am on day 2.

 

Like everyone else I am struggling very badly and everything EVERYTHING reminds me of him, it is beyond painful, it is hell.

 

And the thing is, for me, being older...there isn't much hope at all to find someone better than him. We had an amazing r'ship. I didn't even know anything was wrong when he sprung it on me that he wanted to break up.

 

We both used to say we were so done w/ dating and trying to find someone. We were so happy we had each other and could rest in each other now at our age.

 

And now here we are. Apart.

 

I want him back. I know I will never find anyone even remotely like him. The physical attraction as well as everything else was intense (and unless you are older, you have no idea how hard it is to find an older man who is available and extremely attractive.) I am attractive and have already been asked out by at least 8 guys since the breakup but they are all NOTHING I want. While I was w/ my guy I never even noticed other men, he always made my heart pound and I was 100% happy w/ him. This is new for me as I have always been one to look over the shoulder of who I'm with. This one--there was no reason to look, he was everything.

 

And please, no cliches that "age doesn't matter" etc. It DOES matter. As well, I live in a rural area, NOT a city, so there aren't that many people around in general. There's way more single women aged 35+ around here, there's a shortage of men, and the available men are the low end of the bell curve, as well.

 

When I met my guy I couldn't believe I got him, I couldn't believe he was single. Well now that he left me, I understand why--he's an avoidant. It all makes sense now (his history, etc). But I did not know.

 

What am I supposed to do? All the advise on here for younger people, hip people, people in cities w/ lots of friends, etc, is all excellent advice. But I"m none of that. I am quiet and a homebody and just wanted a man to love and be w/ who could fix things in my house and I could cook him meals. We had that. He left.

 

Oh we did tons of things together, we loved to go dancing and exploring and everything. But our main thing was to be able to settle down together.

 

I am lost. I don't know what to do. I want to die. There's not much point anymore in continuing. I'm too old to have another chance and I will NOT settle.

 

Sorry for the long post. I don't expect to get any answers here, but it seems like a good and safe place to vent. I feel so lost, so empty. I know I have to give it more time to get over him..and I know NC will be better to try to do that but I honestly do not believe I ever will get over him. I have nothing really to look forward to. When you've truly had the best, in middle age, how can you really and truthfully expect to find that?? Nope.

 

Some of us HAVE met the love of our life, and lost him. What are we supposed to do? Resign to being alone the rest of our lives? It's all I've ever wanted--love. But it eludes. :(

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amaysngrace

Back off of him. Give him a chance to miss you.

 

If it was true love it won't ever end so have faith and lay off.

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Back off of him. Give him a chance to miss you.

 

If it was true love it won't ever end so have faith and lay off.

 

Thanks but I did say I am "laying off" him now.

 

We'll see how it goes!

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I'm 54, male. While I still have my children who are the 1st love of my life, last year I lost a 10 year companion, the only one after my children's mother. I don't have many close friends nor family for support, so I kind of understand you. I keep trying OLD with mixed success and am now looking for groups or causes where I can find company, if nothing else.

 

The way I see it, the love of my life will be the one who's with me at the end, so I have yet to find her. I don"t lose hope and I do my part in striving to move on and actively seek opportunities. I would suggest that after a period of mourning -- which is entirely appropriate -- you keep the faith and move on to other and perhaps better things. Visualize where you want to be 1,2 years from now and go for it!

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amaysngrace
Thanks but I did say I am "laying off" him now.

 

We'll see how it goes!

 

I know you said that and stick with it! If it's meant to be it will be.

 

I'm a big romantic but when someone tries to run from love it becomes a game to get them back so play it and play to win and don't ever underestimate the power of love!

 

The best way to win an avoidant is to play their game and avoid them.

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redbaron005
I know you said that and stick with it! If it's meant to be it will be.

 

I'm a big romantic but when someone tries to run from love it becomes a game to get them back so play it and play to win and don't ever underestimate the power of love!

 

The best way to win an avoidant is to play their game and avoid them.

 

Very well put.

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What is OLD?

 

On line dating. Believe you me, it works even for us mature folks...

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The best way to win an avoidant is to play their game and avoid them.

 

 

AGREED! I so wish I had known he was an avoidant *before* our breakup!! So much would have made sense, and I might have avoided the impending doom I did not see coming!

 

What makes it that much worse that I was ignorant is that I've known for about 17 years that I'm a love addict (aka an anxious type). So I know a lot about that but hadn't read up on avoidants.

 

I firmly believe in attachment types, so I'm in process of getting two books on addict/avoidant r'ships. In the meantime I totally agree that to get his attention, I have to avoid him. He wants us to be friends (when we had our first post-breakup phonecall, he said he didn't see why I would have to 'hate his guts' and that he'd "be around")(which doesn't mean much because we live 40 mins apart and there's only one venue where we could run into each other, which is where we met a year ago).

 

Well I've learned from this forum and other sources that being friends w/ an ex is a bad idea..as well, I simply could not do it, I love and want him, I could never be "pals". gah!!! But like everyone says, this is his idea to make him feel like less of a bad guy.

 

Unfortunatley I did act the friend part, in June. Well that stopped as of two days ago.

 

It's gonna take him a while to notice but that's ok. I'm going to do it this time even if it kills me.

 

Thanks for your replies!!

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I don't have any answers but I'm 40 and on week two of NC from the love of my life. I also live in the country, no real friends, feeling hopeless and lonely.

 

My ex and I had such an instant and intense connection--emotionally, intellectually...physically. It was a supernova. The only other time I ever had anything remotely similar was when I was 20----twenty years ago!!!!

 

This one was truly the love of my life. Like you-- I'm not interested in settling. I settled in my marriage and was miserable for ten years. I also don't want to be alone.

 

People says that dating and finding love is a numbers game. Date as many people as possible--the more you date the better your chances of meeting a good guy. Ew. The thought of dating makes my stomach turn.

 

Like I said-- I have no answers but you are not alone.

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On line dating. Believe you me, it works even for us mature folks...

 

omg NO. Been there done that, never again. Never never again.

 

I"m glad it's working (w/ mixed results) for you but it's not my thing and never has been. Way too stressful. Way too picture oriented.

 

And ironically if my bf had been on a dating site, I might never have considered him, because spelling and writing (typing) are not his strong points. He would have likely come off like a neanderthal in his written responses lol.....and I probably would have passed him by and lost the best and most wonderful guy ever.

 

It does depend on what you're looking for, I think, for on line dating to work. The type of guy i most like (blue-collar) don't often translate well to online dating. ;)

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amaysngrace

If I were you I wouldn't waste time reading about him...Boring!

 

Instead use this time to focus on you. Join a pool club or something because it's summertime.

 

And read books that are interesting...not ones that revolve around him but if you have to I recommend Popular Mechanics :D

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I don't have any answers but I'm 40 and on week two of NC from the love of my life. I also live in the country, no real friends, feeling hopeless and lonely.

 

My ex and I had such an instant and intense connection--emotionally, intellectually...physically. It was a supernova. The only other time I ever had anything remotely similar was when I was 20----twenty years ago!!!!

 

This one was truly the love of my life. Like you-- I'm not interested in settling. I settled in my marriage and was miserable for ten years. I also don't want to be alone.

 

People says that dating and finding love is a numbers game. Date as many people as possible--the more you date the better your chances of meeting a good guy. Ew. The thought of dating makes my stomach turn.

 

Like I said-- I have no answers but you are not alone.

 

Thanks Amy. My story is very similar. I was married for 9 years and was not happy. No chemistry there.

 

And yea, my bf and I were a supernova too. If you want to, please share what happened that your r'ship ended? Do you think he was an avoidant too, got scared and ran? Because "supernova" (great word!) beginnings is a hallmark symptom of what avoidants get into..they think you're the best thing that ever happened to them, and they believe it...until they don't!! And we are left still thinking it..and heartbroken. :(

 

The thought of dating makes me pretty sick too. Attention from other men is flattering but there is absolutely no way anyone is getting near, physically or emotionally.

 

I guess we are both, you and I, way too raw to even think about it. I just fear I never will be ready to think about it.

 

Meanwhile it's very likely my guy will go off and find a new "love of his life". That makes me so sick ....

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Hi. I'm new here. Spent some time yesterday and today reading some threads on breaking up, etc. So much good stuff here!

 

But here's my thing. I will be 52 on Wed. My (ex)bf is 54. We went out for just over a year, and then out of nowhere I got a breakup text (yea), on May 28th.

 

I read the threads on how to behave after a breakup, here, and of course know all about all that. I am a love addict and he is a love avoidant but that's another topic. Anyway, for the month of June I tried intermittantly to find out why he broke up, as well as just sort of staying in contact via text, and I showed up at his house twice. The most no contact I went was 4 days.

 

I could go on and on about what happened etc and I might in subsequent posts but my main issue is this. I am 52. I was alone for 16 years before I met this guy, he was the love of my life. (I have been divorced those 16 years, and really did not date.) My bf also had been alone for many years (or only had short-lived r'ships) after his marriage ended around 10 or so years ago.

 

We both believed we were finally at the end of the line, he said he finally knew real love for the first time in his life, said we'd be together forever, etc etc. All the classic things a love avoidant says at first ...until he feels threatened or suffocated and bolts. (That is why I think he left, although he nit picked all sorts of reasons, most of which were old wars we already made peace on).

 

The advise on this forum and elsewhere is ALWAYS, "Move on. The love of your life is waiting."

 

Well what if you're almost a f'ing senior citizen, like I am, and THIS IS the love of your life? What if you've lived long enough already to KNOW this was it? It took me that long to find him (and him to find me) and now he's gone just like that...and being an avoidant he has immersed himself in work, hobbies, car repairs, helping friends etc to the point of running himself ragged. He has not thought about our r'ship. He has not thought about me. (I know this because he told me so).

 

After trying off and on during June to stay in touch and get him to explain why etc, I have decided to go no contact and am on day 2.

 

Like everyone else I am struggling very badly and everything EVERYTHING reminds me of him, it is beyond painful, it is hell.

 

And the thing is, for me, being older...there isn't much hope at all to find someone better than him. We had an amazing r'ship. I didn't even know anything was wrong when he sprung it on me that he wanted to break up.

 

We both used to say we were so done w/ dating and trying to find someone. We were so happy we had each other and could rest in each other now at our age.

 

And now here we are. Apart.

 

I want him back. I know I will never find anyone even remotely like him. The physical attraction as well as everything else was intense (and unless you are older, you have no idea how hard it is to find an older man who is available and extremely attractive.) I am attractive and have already been asked out by at least 8 guys since the breakup but they are all NOTHING I want. While I was w/ my guy I never even noticed other men, he always made my heart pound and I was 100% happy w/ him. This is new for me as I have always been one to look over the shoulder of who I'm with. This one--there was no reason to look, he was everything.

 

And please, no cliches that "age doesn't matter" etc. It DOES matter. As well, I live in a rural area, NOT a city, so there aren't that many people around in general. There's way more single women aged 35+ around here, there's a shortage of men, and the available men are the low end of the bell curve, as well.

 

When I met my guy I couldn't believe I got him, I couldn't believe he was single. Well now that he left me, I understand why--he's an avoidant. It all makes sense now (his history, etc). But I did not know.

 

What am I supposed to do? All the advise on here for younger people, hip people, people in cities w/ lots of friends, etc, is all excellent advice. But I"m none of that. I am quiet and a homebody and just wanted a man to love and be w/ who could fix things in my house and I could cook him meals. We had that. He left.

 

Oh we did tons of things together, we loved to go dancing and exploring and everything. But our main thing was to be able to settle down together.

 

I am lost. I don't know what to do. I want to die. There's not much point anymore in continuing. I'm too old to have another chance and I will NOT settle.

 

Sorry for the long post. I don't expect to get any answers here, but it seems like a good and safe place to vent. I feel so lost, so empty. I know I have to give it more time to get over him..and I know NC will be better to try to do that but I honestly do not believe I ever will get over him. I have nothing really to look forward to. When you've truly had the best, in middle age, how can you really and truthfully expect to find that?? Nope.

 

Some of us HAVE met the love of our life, and lost him. What are we supposed to do? Resign to being alone the rest of our lives? It's all I've ever wanted--love. But it eludes. :(

 

If he was the love of your life, he would be in your life.

 

As for being 52, my girlfriend just told me she and her boyfriend are moving in. She's 53 and he's 49.

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omg NO. Been there done that, never again. Never never again.

 

I"m glad it's working (w/ mixed results) for you but it's not my thing and never has been. Way too stressful. Way too picture oriented.

 

And ironically if my bf had been on a dating site, I might never have considered him, because spelling and writing (typing) are not his strong points. He would have likely come off like a neanderthal in his written responses lol.....and I probably would have passed him by and lost the best and most wonderful guy ever.

 

It does depend on what you're looking for, I think, for on line dating to work. The type of guy i most like (blue-collar) don't often translate well to online dating. ;)

 

Well, no problem, it's not for everyone. My point was really about moving on and seeking other opportunities because in my (and many other people's) experience, 2nd chances don't last and it's hurt feelings all over again. If you're willing to take the risk then go ahead, and I wish you the best.

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If I were you I wouldn't waste time reading about him...Boring!

 

Instead use this time to focus on you. Join a pool club or something because it's summertime.

 

And read books that are interesting...not ones that revolve around him but if you have to I recommend Popular Mechanics :D

 

 

lol...it's not just about him. :) Since I'm an addict and avoidants are plentiful, I'm doing this just as much for me as I am for the hope of getting back w/ him. I was caught completely off guard, and I don't want that to happen again. I need to educate myself on how to spot an avoidant and if possible, RUN! But as for my ex, I want to see what can be done, if anything, to possibly make it work, IF he comes back. So much of our r'ship was so awesome...

 

I have so much wrong w/ me, it's daunting. I feel I will never be "together" enough to keep a r'ship no matter how healthy the guy might be. I"m working on it but it's tiring and it's easy to just want to give up.

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Well, no problem, it's not for everyone. My point was really about moving on and seeking other opportunities because in my (and many other people's) experience, 2nd chances don't last and it's hurt feelings all over again. If you're willing to take the risk then go ahead, and I wish you the best.

 

At this early stage I know I am absolutely willing to take the risk, if it happens. I don't believe that trying again always leads to failure. But I do believe both people have to want it, and be willing to work on things.

 

If he doesn't come back, I dont know where I'll be six months+ from now. I am a member of some meetups and will continue doing things that way. The men in those have not been dating material at all, so far...but whatever. Can't even think about that now.

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amaysngrace
lol...it's not just about him. :) Since I'm an addict and avoidants are plentiful, I'm doing this just as much for me as I am for the hope of getting back w/ him. I was caught completely off guard, and I don't want that to happen again. I need to educate myself on how to spot an avoidant and if possible, RUN! But as for my ex, I want to see what can be done, if anything, to possibly make it work, IF he comes back. So much of our r'ship was so awesome...

 

I have so much wrong w/ me, it's daunting. I feel I will never be "together" enough to keep a r'ship no matter how healthy the guy might be. I"m working on it but it's tiring and it's easy to just want to give up.

 

Aha! Forget reading up on him and work on yourself if you believe that there is something wrong with you (which there probably isn't other than the fact that you believe that there is something wrong with you!)

 

Girlfriend you need self love first before you can ever be in a fully loving relationship...everybody knows that...

 

Work on YOU!! xo

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irresolute

Requin, I'm really sorry you've lost the best years of your life (from 37 to 53, as you've said you were 16 years alone) not dating and not enjoying being in a relationship.

However, it's not too late, and you're not a senior citizen, you still have some attractiveness to share.

As you well said, you are a love addict and he is a love avoidant. That's not love. thats ADDICTION.

YES, YOU'RE ADDICTED. and you need to do what an addict do: go cold turkey.

He is NOT the love of your life. There are many loves of your life, not just one. think if it as chemicals in your brain making think this, and making behave like you are behaving. BE CLASSY, and go no contact. Stop behaving like the crazy girlfriend no one wants. You'll be fine, you just need to think with your head, clearly. And for that reason you need to detox with no contatc. Hope it helps but being a love addict is really difficult and I know you're struggling. Be strong. You'll be just fine.

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Meanwhile it's very likely my guy will go off and find a new "love of his life". That makes me so sick ....

 

Yea--I think about this a lot too. My guy is less avoidant and more bipolar narcissist. Which sounds really awful, and it did get awful, but for the first year it was fun and exciting and hot. I didn't care that he constantly needed his ego stroked because he was fun and spontaneous and romantic and attentive and sooooooo good in bed. He would write me love songs and love letters that were pages long (because he was manic and not sleeping :)

 

I started breaking up with him after the first year-- for all the reasons that a sane woman would break up with a bipolar narcissist. But he was persistent and romantic and sooooo good in bed...so I would go back, then hate myself in the morning.

 

He is completely wrong for me and unhealthy and just wrong, wrong, wrong-- but I am still desperately in love with him, desperately missing him, and desperately lonely without him....

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amaysngrace

He is completely wrong for me and unhealthy and just wrong, wrong, wrong-- but I am still desperately in love with him, desperately missing him, and desperately lonely without him....

 

Ugh. Sounds so desperate.

 

You too need to focus on yourself instead of him and learn how to be your own best friend. When you can do that you'll never feel lonely again.

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YOU'RE ADDICTED. and you need to do what an addict do: go cold turkey...

He is NOT the love of your life. There are many loves of your life, not just one. think if it as chemicals in your brain making think this, and making behave like you are behaving. BE CLASSY, and go no contact. Stop behaving like the crazy girlfriend no one wants. You'll be fine, you just need to think with your head, clearly. And for that reason you need to detox with no contatc. Hope it helps but being a love addict is really difficult and I know you're struggling. Be strong. You'll be just fine.

 

I absolutely agree that it's addiction--and we should treat the end of unhealthy relationships the same way we teach addicts to recover from their addictions. Turn to a higher power, find a group of support, identify one primary support to whom you are accountable...

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Ugh. Sounds so desperate.

 

You too need to focus on yourself instead of him and learn how to be your own best friend. When you can do that you'll never feel lonely again.

 

I couldn't agree more...and I'm working on that.

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BigGirlPantiesOn

 

I read the threads on how to behave after a breakup, here, and of course know all about all that. I am a love addict - Here is the CORE reason why you are suffering from "all or nothing' thinking.- and he is a love avoidant - And this is why you've chosen this man, and he chose you - but that's another topic. - its actually THE main topic -

 

I could go on and on about what happened etc and I might in subsequent posts but my main issue is this. I am 52. I was alone for 16 years before I met this guy, he was the love of my life. - Your life hasn't ended yet, how can this be "true"? (I have been divorced those 16 years, and really did not date.) My bf also had been alone for many years (or only had short-lived r'ships) after his marriage ended around 10 or so years ago. - your lack of relationship experience enhances your distorted thoughts on the "love of your life" ie: life or deathness of this relationship

We both believed we were finally at the end of the line, he said he finally knew real love for the first time in his life, said we'd be together forever, etc etc. All the classic things a love avoidant says at first ...until he feels threatened or suffocated and bolts. (That is why I think he left, although he nit picked all sorts of reasons, most of which were old wars we already made peace on).

 

The advise on this forum and elsewhere is ALWAYS, "Move on. The love of your life is waiting." - Not true. the majority of advice is to ACCEPT what you cannot change, that your former partner has made a choice you dislike. And move on to save your sanity, recover, grow from this so you can be with another.

 

Well what if you're almost a f'ing senior citizen, like I am, - what is YOUR definiton of a "senior citizen? Again, the "all or nothing, life or deathness" thinking. You're 52, hardly old!! and THIS IS the love of your life? What if you've lived long enough already to KNOW this was it? It took me that long to find him (and him to find me) and now he's gone just like that...and being an avoidant he has immersed himself in work, hobbies, car repairs, helping friends etc to the point of running himself ragged. He has not thought about our r'ship. - How do you know what goes on in someone else's head? He has not thought about me. (I know this because he told me so).

 

After trying off and on during June to stay in touch and get him to explain why etc, I have decided to go no contact and am on day 2. - congrats on taking care of YOU!!;)

 

Like everyone else I am struggling very badly and everything EVERYTHING reminds me of him, it is beyond painful, it is hell. - This is normal. Happens to us all. Why would you think it'd be different? You are experiencing a loss.

 

And the thing is, for me, being older...there isn't much hope at all to find someone better than him. - Your negative self image regarding age is sorely distorting your reality. We had an amazing r'ship. I didn't even know anything was wrong when he sprung it on me that he wanted to break up.

 

We both used to say we were so done w/ dating and trying to find someone. We were so happy we had each other and could rest in each other now at our age. - Do you feel you placed your happiness and security in "landing a man"? He is not the source of your security, that comes from within. For me, it comes from a relationship with a higher power.

 

And now here we are. Apart.

 

I want him back. I know I will never find anyone even remotely like him. - Distorted thinking. unless you are God, or own a crystal ball, you do not know this to be truth, it is merely your "suspected" truth. Your fear based truth stemming from loss. - The physical attraction as well as everything else was intense (and unless you are older, you have no idea how hard it is to find an older man who is available and extremely attractive.) I am attractive and have already been asked out by at least 8 guys since the breakup but they are all NOTHING I want. While I was w/ my guy I never even noticed other men, he always made my heart pound and I was 100% happy w/ him. This is new for me as I have always been one to look over the shoulder of who I'm with. This one--there was no reason to look, he was everything.

 

And please, no cliches that "age doesn't matter" etc. It DOES matter. As well, I live in a rural area, NOT a city, so there aren't that many people around in general. There's way more single women aged 35+ around here, there's a shortage of men, and the available men are the low end of the bell curve, as well.

 

When I met my guy I couldn't believe I got him, I couldn't believe he was single. Well now that he left me, I understand why--he's an avoidant. It all makes sense now (his history, etc). But I did not know.

 

What am I supposed to do? All the advise on here for younger people, hip people, people in cities w/ lots of friends, etc, is all excellent advice. But I"m none of that. I am quiet and a homebody and just wanted a man to love and be w/ who could fix things in my house and I could cook him meals. We had that. He left.

 

Oh we did tons of things together, we loved to go dancing and exploring and everything. But our main thing was to be able to settle down together.

 

I am lost. I don't know what to do. I want to die. There's not much point anymore in continuing. I'm too old to have another chance and I will NOT settle. - Again, the age. You seem to associate your self worth in youth. You view yourself as an old piece of **** shoe and if THIS man wont love you, then who would? Your thinking is broken.

Sorry for the long post. I don't expect to get any answers here, but it seems like a good and safe place to vent. I feel so lost, so empty. I know I have to give it more time to get over him..and I know NC will be better to try to do that but I honestly do not believe I ever will get over him. I have nothing really to look forward to. When you've truly had the best, in middle age, how can you really and truthfully expect to find that?? Nope.

 

Some of us HAVE met the love of our life, and lost him. What are we supposed to do? Resign to being alone the rest of our lives? It's all I've ever wanted--love. But it eludes. :(

 

You need to love YOU first. And I see no self love in what you've written. I see a 5 year old lost little girl who feels she needs a man to make her life worthwhile.

 

I am a relationship addict. I am recovering in Al-Anon. It may help you. Or, Coda.

 

Good luck.

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