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How to make it easier for a lovely guy?


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Arabellad25

I have been in a lovely relationship for 4 months. I don't want to b cruel & continue as I see no future. I care about this man a lot so want him to b happy. Is there anything I can do to make it easier?

 

He's very sensitive, I didn't end it in a great way. I told him my concerns last week & he was kind enough to tell me it didn't matter.. He loves me and does see a future. Yesterday I had a drink and felt terrible like I just needed to end it for him. So I text him ( please don't shout at me.. I know it's shocking.. I'd had at drink and was being ridicules ) I'd happily stay in the relationship but wouldn't b fair on him as I'd never integrate him in my life like he deserves.

 

Today he wouldn't speak on the phone.. just sent at couple of texts saying how much I'd hurt him. I've asked to see him or to speak to him whenever he feels he can.

 

Is there anything I can do to make this easier for him? He hit the pub on his own at 9 am which is not a good sign.

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Well, I'm that guy right now dealing with my ex girlfriend of 5 months who tried to break with me in a nice way because we did care a lot about each other, but I just wasn't right for her in the long run.

 

I can say that the best thing for me would have been if she just stopped contacting me. It gave me mixed signals, thinking something was still there and that she may be regretting it. As long as you are sure that he is not the guy for you, then do him a favor and turn off all contact. You can't be friends. Send him one last goodbye if you want, but don't see him and don't give any opening. Make it clear that the door is closed and that you do not see a future with him. There is no easy way to break up with a "nice" guy. He will hurt no matter what and the sooner you cut all contact and allow him to grieve and move on, the better it will be for him. Please do not send any mixed messages if you care about him, it will only screw him up more. Block his email and phone from calls or texts, it will also make it easier for you.

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Arabellad25
Well, I'm that guy right now dealing with my ex girlfriend of 5 months who tried to break with me in a nice way because we did care a lot about each other, but I just wasn't right for her in the long run.

 

I can say that the best thing for me would have been if she just stopped contacting me. It gave me mixed signals, thinking something was still there and that she may be regretting it. As long as you are sure that he is not the guy for you, then do him a favor and turn off all contact. You can't be friends. Send him one last goodbye if you want, but don't see him and don't give any opening. Make it clear that the door is closed and that you do not see a future with him. There is no easy way to break up with a "nice" guy. He will hurt no matter what and the sooner you cut all contact and allow him to grieve and move on, the better it will be for him. Please do not send any mixed messages if you care about him, it will only screw him up more. Block his email and phone from calls or texts, it will also make it easier for you.

Wow I'm sorry. I really hope your feeling better.

 

Do u think an email would b appropriate yo say goodbye as long as it didn't give any false hope? I really feel so so sad. He honestly made my life so much better :(

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Arabellad25

And also. I don't even know if I am sure.... I'm just following my gut with a good chance I'll regret it down the line. But then I guess I'll deserve it.

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Well, if you are not sure, I would suggest the No Contact for a number of weeks. Let your gut and heart battle it out for awhile. It sounds like you need some time away from him to see how you feel. Write down the pros and cons of the relationship.

 

It is too soon right now to probably send that goodbye letter or email. You might want to hold off and maybe you never send it. Give it some time, but you should do it with no contact. You can let him know that you think that this is best right now for both of you so you guys can sort out your true feelings. Staying in contact right now isn't going to help. For now, block his email and also him on the phone. You'll have a clearer head weeks or a month down the road. The ball is in your court. He's there if you really want him, but again, you sound unsure and you really need to be sure before you go any further with him or it will cause a lot more pain. Like I said, I was the one dumped and I sent a closure type email and regretted it. It was way too soon.

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And also. I don't even know if I am sure.... I'm just following my gut with a good chance I'll regret it down the line. But then I guess I'll deserve it.

 

Well, you're quite brave entering this particular forum admitting the above. Everyone on here tries to be helpful but you must be aware that the majority here are trying to heal from actions like yours. The majority (in the Breaking Up forum) are dumpers, not dumpers, and they have a lot of strong feelings towards dumpers who aren't sure.

 

You didn't end things well. You know that but that's the past. You can't reverse what's done. But you did break up with this guy. That will cause him a lot of pain and he will need to heal.

 

Leave him alone.

 

You might want to read the NC guide on here, which is what the majority suggest people like your ex do. You'll read it advises dumpees to ignore any attempts at communication unless the dumper is hammering their door down, wracked with regret, vowing never to leave them again (in a, somehow, believable fashion). Even then, most would advise some couples therapy, or something, to ensure the huge issues a break-up reveals are dealt with.

 

So take dumbass2's advice, and leave the poor guy alone, unless you, one day, wake up consumed with terror at your mistake and don't let anything get in your way from ensuring your ex understands how you feel.

 

Somehow, from what you've said, I doubt that will happen. I'll also tell you that your concern about your ex sounds more like your wish to appease your own guilt at how you ended it.

 

Time to accept your actions and move on.

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Arabellad25
Well, you're quite brave entering this particular forum admitting the above. Everyone on here tries to be helpful but you must be aware that the majority here are trying to heal from actions like yours. The majority (in the Breaking Up forum) are dumpers, not dumpers, and they have a lot of strong feelings towards dumpers who aren't sure.

 

You didn't end things well. You know that but that's the past. You can't reverse what's done. But you did break up with this guy. That will cause him a lot of pain and he will need to heal.

 

Leave him alone.

 

You might want to read the NC guide on here, which is what the majority suggest people like your ex do. You'll read it advises dumpees to ignore any attempts at communication unless the dumper is hammering their door down, wracked with regret, vowing never to leave them again (in a, somehow, believable fashion). Even then, most would advise some couples therapy, or something, to ensure the huge issues a break-up reveals are dealt with.

 

So take dumbass2's advice, and leave the poor guy alone, unless you, one day, wake up consumed with terror at your mistake and don't let anything get in your way from ensuring your ex understands how you feel.

 

Somehow, from what you've said, I doubt that will happen. I'll also tell you that your concern about your ex sounds more like your wish to appease your own guilt at how you ended it.

 

Time to accept your actions and move on.

Thanks for your advice guys.

 

I think your right... maybe some time with no contact is the best for both of us. But how do I approach it? I can't just assume he will be OK with that.

 

Also, do I tell him that I think I need some time to figure it out? As no doubt this will bring hope & should either of us decide it is in fact that best to end everything it will kind of drag out and extend the pain to a few weeks down the line?

 

Do I end the relationship / go no contact without reason and then only contact him when I have made my final decision? There is of course the risk that I do decide I want to commit to this guy and he may have healed already / not want to go back.

 

It's a tough call. Very helpful advice but if you could advise on how to approach it it would be very appreciated.

 

In regards to dumpees being on here, I aware.. I've used this site in the past when I've struggled with many issues and needed support. Everyone was very helpful. The thought of causing a genuinely lovely man pain is hard & believe me, I'm seeking advice as I genuinely care.. its really not to make myself feel better.

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I've just read all of your previous threads on here, Arabella, and I'm going to tell you straight:

 

You need to get some help and get your head sorted out.

 

Honestly, this is what I think you should tell this guy (via one short text). Tell him you're not ready to date, you're going to get counselling because you're aware of this and you're sorry you messed him about. Tell him not to wait for you. Say goodbye... Then go and do it.

 

I'm glad you found someone sweet after that pantomime with the last guy. That was progress but you didn't find someone you really like. Now, because of your self-confessed attachment issues, you can't let him go. That's not fair on him. That's your mistake which you have to deal with.

 

Your history is wild. I strongly advise you commit to some therapy to understand your own behaviour. I don't mean to sound rude, I am suggesting this because I really think it's overdue and because I think that's what will help you best.

 

Can you tell me if you did move out of London, after the last relationship? It'd be helpful to know if you have friends/family around you now, to support you.

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Let me ask you this. What is about him that makes you unsure about a future with him? It's only been 4 months, so there are more things you may find out about each other (positive/negative) if you're willing to give it a few more months, but if there is something that you know will not change and it's that important to you, then that's what I'm asking about.

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Arabellad25

Wowzer.

 

Yep I've been back in my hometown for 10 months.

 

So sure my past relationship certainly wasn't fantastic, and at the time i could have used therapy. Its something i acted on but didnt pull through ( NHS wasn't overly helpful to be honest & private therapy isn't really something we do much over here in the UK )



 

in regards to my prebious posts - dating is a rough ride sometimes. I've had bad experiences but nice ones too. That's pretty much how it gos. Yeah some tough times which is quite possibly why I have my guard so high now. It's also quite possibly why it's hard to let this nice guy go.

 

However, I'm not sure therapy will really help at this point as I feel fine now & am in a good place.

 

I'm sure when I find the right person I'll be able to commit properly.

 

Well I hope.

 

Just out of curiosity are you suggesting that he would b better off without me as you assume I'm messed up?

 

 

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Arabellad25
Let me ask you this. What is about him that makes you unsure about a future with him? It's only been 4 months, so there are more things you may find out about each other (positive/negative) if you're willing to give it a few more months, but if there is something that you know will not change and it's that important to you, then that's what I'm asking about.

Okay.. well I guess truthfully the guy is too nice, he can almost be feminine.. in fact he Is very feminine & enjoys flirting with guys. He's such a lovely person but in all honesty it just doesn't feel like I can completely be myself when I'm with him.

 

I'm naturally quite a dry sarcastic person but there is no banter with him.

 

It's very frustrating as when he's being normal it's fine / but 60% of the time he's trying to be nice or shimmying about almost acting like a little girl.

 

I'm making him sound very odd. He isn't at all.... but it's quite a contrast to the usual rugby / manly type I go for.

 

Also I see things in him that do make me feel pressured.. such as he moved here a few years ago so his close friends and family aren't here. I worry that I'll become too much of his life & I've been on the flip side of that situation in My last relationship.. It makes me feel as though I'm responsible for all his happiness which scares me a lot and I don't ever want to hurt anyone the way I was hurt...

 

And he just seems to vulnerable for someone like me.

 

Hmm

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You seem to me to still be affected by (especially) your last relationship. You picked a guy who is the opposite of your usual type. Very much so, from the sounds of it. Probably because you were so scarred from it. He's not the type you like, clearly, but he seemed like he wouldn't hurt you. That's progress from the last guy but it's still not how you pick a guy for a healthy relationship. You're also worrying about what the current guy might do because you did the same in your last relationship.

 

Your response to my suggestion was a defensive one. That's okay. It's not nice news to hear. But I do stand by it. Your history is not normal dating. It's a roller coaster, so the 'that's life' thing doesn't really hold. It was only in October last year that the relationship you admit you could've used therapy to help you recover from ended. That's really not very long to have sorted out all of the issues you were presenting in it. I'm glad you feel fine but I think there's deeper rooted stuff there. Also, the 'we don't do therapy in this country' is, frankly, ridiculous. Lots of people do and benefit greatly from it. Just because the NHS didn't pay for it, doesn't mean you shouldn't invest in yourself and get the help you need.

 

I sense you won't be seeking any professional help soon. Maybe things will work out for you. I sincerely hope they do. If they don't, please do reconsider. In my opinion you could save yourself, this and any future dates some time by giving your past (and current) behaviour a thorough look at. That's just my opinion and I hope it is of some value to you.

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Arabellad25

Your right, it's very true what your saying so thanks for being honest and pointing out things I was avoiding.

 

In regards to being defensive I guess I was, simply because I felt like I just had to be fine so had a get on with it attitude with myself hence the reason I started dating a few months down the line.

 

Truth of that is I was single for 3 years with the acception of a few bad dates after a bad break up and I didn't really want that to be the case again.. I did the whole finding myself thing then. But your right i probably do have issues I need to figure out before I jump in.. Thanks for pointing that out.

 

In regards to having a bizarre past. Yep, im aware of that and slightly worried its made me incapable of reacting normally or will get in the way of me finding happiness. With this guy I'm aware he's not right in my gut but worry my messed up past kind of warps my opinion anyway.. so maybe i am making a mistake.

 

I'm just a bit confused by the therapy thing... I mean your right.. i could use some... but I'm not sure what I'd go there with or how I'd even begin.. like what do i need to figure out about myself? There's a few family issues dragging me down since I got home too. I have an amazing perfect family bar one person.. who has drained and exhausted my entire family for over 15 years. He stole some very expensive items of mine and I kind of put my foot down amazing nd it caused huge tension with my mother / had to move out of her home... that's a whole other thread.

 

I think I did the right thing there and have been told I did by most of my family other than my mother ... but I can't help feeling like I always make my life so difficult and cause myself crap. like I don't want myself to be happy almost?

 

Oh my word I am sorry - I do realise your not a therapist.

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Arabellad25

Oh my word I just Googled councillors in my area and they bring up a list with photos and some info. I have to say the thought of digging everything up to someone I don't know.. actually to their face is mortifying. I'm a very private person... its almost one of my problems with new relationships.. I don't really wear my heart on my sleeve and can adapt easily to suit any situation. I'm pretty sure I'd go there and pretend everything was fine / discuss something menial and pretend I'm fixed. Ugh... is it actually OK?

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Okay.. well I guess truthfully the guy is too nice, he can almost be feminine.. in fact he Is very feminine & enjoys flirting with guys. He's such a lovely person but in all honesty it just doesn't feel like I can completely be myself when I'm with him.

 

I'm naturally quite a dry sarcastic person but there is no banter with him.

 

It's very frustrating as when he's being normal it's fine / but 60% of the time he's trying to be nice or shimmying about almost acting like a little girl.

 

I'm making him sound very odd. He isn't at all.... but it's quite a contrast to the usual rugby / manly type I go for.

 

Also I see things in him that do make me feel pressured.. such as he moved here a few years ago so his close friends and family aren't here. I worry that I'll become too much of his life & I've been on the flip side of that situation in My last relationship.. It makes me feel as though I'm responsible for all his happiness which scares me a lot and I don't ever want to hurt anyone the way I was hurt...

 

And he just seems to vulnerable for someone like me.

 

Hmm

 

You need to let him go now. I can sense he is just not right for you. Do not lead him on any further. He will not change who he is. Stop all contact or send him one last email to let him know what's going on. Close the door and let him move on. Do not see him again. Do not give him hope. Block him on all avenues. Like mickleb said, maybe you need to see a relationship therapist. Nothing wrong with that and I see it as a positive move on your end and as far as what to start with when first talking to a therapist? You said this, "I can't help feeling like I always make my life so difficult and cause myself crap. like I don't want myself to be happy almost?" That looks like a good place to start.

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SoThatHappened

I say keep an open mind and give the guy a shot. Don't lead him on, but tell him how you're feeling.

 

Some guys (and gals) can adjust, learn, and see what they're doing wrong. If you're posting about him in an online forum, you probably at least care about him.

 

Give him a chance. Not if you feel FOR SURE there's no chance, but at least think about it.

 

Nice guys can become bada$$e$ once they get to know someone.

 

Just my 2 cents as I probably fall into his category

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Bless ya, pet. I wasn't expecting that reaction and think it's brave.

 

I'm sure the thing about the family member is worth discussing. Well done for speaking your mind. I'm sure you did do the right thing if most of your family think so. Must just be harder for your mum to accept, for whatever reason.

 

I really understand that feeling of trying to get on with it, especially if you've already had some time out to work on yourself. It's frustrating to think there might be more to go over. And I appreciate not being able to imagine pouring your heart out to a stranger.

 

When it comes to counsellors, the key is to stick with one that feels right. You may visit one or two and just not click. But I'm sure it won't take too long to find someone who you feel kind of 'gets' you and who listens, in the way you need them to.

 

With regards to cost, it can help if you think of it as an education in yourself. If you think about the cost of a course, it can seem more achievable. There's really no better degree subject a person can take, after all.

 

I think you've got so much going for you. You seem highly intelligent and competent to me. As well as apparently being pretty foxy! You deserve happiness and peace, and it's completely within your grasp. You should not be dating guys who treat you like crap because you can't bear the thought of being without them, or guys you don't really feel anything for just because they won't treat you like crap. You deserve a man who will think you're amazing and show you that, who you feel the same way about.

 

You're young and brilliant. You just need to figure out what's underneath those unhealthy tendencies and learn how to nip them in the bud. You have so much to look forward to.

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Arabellad25

Thanks your words are super kind.. & you've helped me figure myself out just a little. It's amazing what some advice from a stranger can do.

 

& sothathappened I love your attitude but I think it would be unfair of me, atleast until I do some work on myself first & if I then realise he is right for me I may touch base.

 

I think until then I need to be honest with him about my relationship issues and hope he understands it is actually me and not him. How cliché!

 

I sent him one message just apologising for the way I ended things, admitted I was a total coward and said although it would be hard I would meet him if he felt up to it but I'd understand if he didn't want to and asked permission to send an email.

 

No response yet but I know he had no sleep and was at the pub so hopefully he's just sleeping it off.

 

 

 

Really hope he is happy soon.. He deserves it more than anyone.

 

 

 

 

 

Well let's all hope the next thread on here is a good one.

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Arabellad25

Also Mickle - u just noticed your Geordie twang. Good part of England if I do say so myself... wouldn't have moved back otherwise

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I'm really happy that you've got something useful from what I, and others on here, have said. You do seem like a quality person who should have a brilliant life to match. :)

 

I'm not from Newcastle but am watching Kevin Bridges on the telly, so perhaps that's it? I should visit one day, though. Looks like a great town!

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Thanks for your advice guys.

 

I think your right... maybe some time with no contact is the best for both of us. But how do I approach it? I can't just assume he will be OK with that.

 

Also, do I tell him that I think I need some time to figure it out? As no doubt this will bring hope & should either of us decide it is in fact that best to end everything it will kind of drag out and extend the pain to a few weeks down the line?

 

Do I end the relationship / go no contact without reason and then only contact him when I have made my final decision? There is of course the risk that I do decide I want to commit to this guy and he may have healed already / not want to go back.

 

It's a tough call. Very helpful advice but if you could advise on how to approach it it would be very appreciated.

 

In regards to dumpees being on here, I aware.. I've used this site in the past when I've struggled with many issues and needed support. Everyone was very helpful. The thought of causing a genuinely lovely man pain is hard & believe me, I'm seeking advice as I genuinely care.. its really not to make myself feel better.

 

If you go no contact, to find out whether you really do want him or not, he is going to hurt. If he is wise, he won't wait around for you to decide (I did that once and it was painful as hell and ended badly). Hopefully, he'll realise there is no point hanging around and deal with his sadness then move on. It's not good for him to be waiting for a decision from you.

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Just be honest with him and tell him how much you care about his well being and that you are sorry but you just don't feel the same way. He won't end the relationship for you and by caring on a relationship you don't want you are only hurting him. Honesty and NC just explain to him that you feel that No Contact would be best for him. It will hurt him for sure but in the end he will feel much better.

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SoThatHappened

 

& sothathappened I love your attitude but I think it would be unfair of me, atleast until I do some work on myself first & if I then realise he is right for me I may touch base.

 

I think until then I need to be honest with him about my relationship issues and hope he understands it is actually me and not him. How cliché!

 

I just say that because I've been the guy in that situation, have seen a girl I really liked pass me by, then really regret it. Not that that will happen in your case, just that "good" guys that don't give you that "jolt" are really the guys that have their stuff together... mentally and emotionally... and turn out to be what that girl wanted in the long run, more often than not.

 

I like your attitude of getting out of it to work on yourself... it's just tough to hear that line about "it's not you, it's me" when you're the one to which it is directed. Don't know if there's a better way to let him down though, just a crappy situation on both ends.

 

I wish you luck

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I just say that because I've been the guy in that situation, have seen a girl I really liked pass me by, then really regret it. Not that that will happen in your case, just that "good" guys that don't give you that "jolt" are really the guys that have their stuff together... mentally and emotionally... and turn out to be what that girl wanted in the long run, more often than not.

 

I like your attitude of getting out of it to work on yourself... it's just tough to hear that line about "it's not you, it's me" when you're the one to which it is directed. Don't know if there's a better way to let him down though, just a crappy situation on both ends.

 

I wish you luck

 

I can relate SoThatHappened, I'm a nice guy as well and my ex gf of 3.5 years broke up with me 1.5 months ago. She had been thinking about it for a while and it's hard to accept since she said I did nothing wrong.

 

She gave me the 'it's not you, it's me' and I think it's true in our case since I treated her like royalty and we rarely fought or argued and she didn't want to string me along if she was feeling this way (I actually respect this, better now then later). The only thing I can think of is that I got complacent but that's something I can work on.

 

I've gone NC to give each other space and give her time to think. Hopefully there is a chance of reconciliation down the line since we still care for each other very much but at the same time I won't be waiting for her decision and need to move on with my life.

 

Good luck in in your situation and to the OP as well

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Justaguy30 is dead on!!

 

Like everyone else here, I too am a sensitive guy and has been dumped. My 2 cents: I think the best thing for you to do is be honest with him. Its going to hurt him like crazy but in time he will feel better and see it was the best thing. Don't stay with someone because you are afraid of hurting him. That's alone is hurtful. You're dating someone because you feel sorry for him. And once you break it off, leave him alone. If you contact him it will only give him false hope. Trust me. Honesty show's you respect him. And if he contacts you. Then, be honest with him (again). Eventually it will sink in.

 

I dated someone for only 3 months and it took a year to get over her because she was never forward and honest with me. She always left me with false hope. Looking back how I wish she just said. "I like you, but......" She just kept me around to be a fall back guy. And my feelings for her clouded my judgement.

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