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Dumper came back, but is choosing between me and new man


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i just found out the REAL reason why my ex left (took 5 months for her to finally open up) was that she developed feelings for a guy at the end of our relationship.

 

she came back to me saying she misses me, and that she is torn between choosing between him and me. they arent dating, she just likes him apparently.

 

what do i do? when she told me this, i said make up your mind. either him or me. some people think i shouldnt even take her back.

 

i love her so much.. this hurts UNBELIEVABLY bad. i was so sure i had hit rock bottom, but knowing i was lied to for 5 months and played a fool sucks so much.

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Date or sleep with another woman, and let it be known you are doing it.

 

Atm, you are nothing but an option with her, and this means that you have treated her too well [with respect], and she took you for a ride when it was convenient for her.

She still thinks you are above her ... let her go or end up with her, you have to show that you do in fact see yourself as better than this.

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i just found out the REAL reason why my ex left (took 5 months for her to finally open up) was that she developed feelings for a guy at the end of our relationship.

 

she came back to me saying she misses me, and that she is torn between choosing between him and me. they arent dating, she just likes him apparently.

 

what do i do? when she told me this, i said make up your mind. either him or me. some people think i shouldnt even take her back.

You are fantasizing about getting back to the image - the fantasy - of the relationship you thought you had before the breakup.

 

But if you did get back together, what you would actually have would be a relationship with someone who developed an outside relationship while she was with you and was ambivalent enough about you that she left. Then even when she considered coming back, she was still torn, because of this other man she "likes."

 

You can't have that old fantasy-image relationship back again - after this, she won't ever be that woman again. What you would have would be the "new" version of the relationship. Is that the relationship that you imagine for yourself?

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thanks for the replies guys.. im gonna make a decision about this by tonight. i hate putting things off. this really sucks.. u guess the consensus is to not take her back?

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Smarty Pants
thanks for the replies guys.. im gonna make a decision about this by tonight. i hate putting things off. this really sucks.. u guess the consensus is to not take her back?

 

Make the decision for her. Walk away and never look back.

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Make the decision for her. Walk away and never look back.

 

i love her, so much. but maybe this is best?

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Smarty Pants
i love her, so much. but maybe this is best?

 

She doesn't feel the same if she has to choose.

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She doesn't feel the same if she has to choose.

 

do you think that is an accurate assessment to make universally? that if someone is conflicted between two people, that person isnt worth your time?

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Smarty Pants
do you think that is an accurate assessment to make universally? that if someone is conflicted between two people, that person isnt worth your time?

 

It would be different if you hadn't dated before. You two were already in a relationship. She left you for someone else. Her feelings do not match yours. If someone else is in the picture, you need to walk away.

 

It should piss you off that this is even up for discussion.

 

I've been down this road. It is not fun and will only create resentment and distrust.

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this all very true. well i just texted her saying im not gonna wait for her to make a decision. i have a lot to say, so lets talk. im gonna tell her all this when we do and make the decision for her. it KILLS me to even say that but im beginning to believe its best.

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Smarty Pants
this all very true. well i just texted her saying im not gonna wait for her to make a decision. i have a lot to say, so lets talk. im gonna tell her all this when we do and make the decision for her. it KILLS me to even say that but im beginning to believe its best.

 

If you feel you need to.

 

Talking isn't necessary.

 

Show her you don't care. Don't talk to her anymore.

 

When she starts banging down your door, then you'll see how she feels (barky2, 2013).

 

^hope you like my citation :)

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i dont know.. i feel like talking is necessary for me. maybe it isnt, but theres 5 months of lying ive been built up inside with...

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I am a recent dumpee as well

 

Maybe have that talk and say what you want to a friend, but not to her. I have had talks with myself, pretending that I'm having it with my ex and it has helped. I also had a talk with a girlfriend of mine and she played my ex. It was good therapy for me and allowed me to get everything off my chest by speaking it.

 

She made the decision, she dumped you and you need her to come to you, not you running to her. I did learn this and I was not the one that initiated contact at all after we broke up, until I sent a closure email. It was working with her as she was the one communicating to me. This is what you need to do. It's not her decision, she made hers, now it's yours and if you allow her to have that power, you will be screwed going forward. Take control and regain your self respect and do not contact her again. See if she comes running back to you, begging and apologizing that she made a mistake and then I would also think twice about taking her back. I think you need to work on moving on. You would never be able to trust her ever again.

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Itspointless
-i asked her why then she still hangs out with me and insinuates that there is a chance for us in the future; her response (paraphrased and nonsugar coated)- bc i anticipate you will change and that later you'll be more of a man since youre only 23.

 

-she intends not to date and to be single, unless mr. perfect rolls around at which point she cannot anticipate what she will do.

You can tell her that you do not want to date a girl but a woman.

 

Sorry man, this all sucks.

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Simon Phoenix

You need to stop talking and start doing. All you've done is talk, talk, talk and bend, bend, bend and where has it gotten you? Nowhere, you are basically the stray puppy that you were five months ago. Stop letting her be in control. Go No Contact and move the f--k forward. Stop being a spineless weakling. There's no way you'll ever have her -- and by proxy, anyone else because you are stuck on her -- by acting and conducting yourself the way you are. I wouldn't go back to you if I was her -- why give up all the power for someone who is willing to give up their power for a hell of a lot less?

 

Break it off, move forward, get yourself back. Stop this lunacy.

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Tell her she's already made her choice. Wish her the best and walk away. This will send her reeling knowing that the OM is her only choice.

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we talked.. i got myself to say either we get back together or never speak to me again. she is contemplating and willl get back to me..

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Simon Phoenix
we talked.. i got myself to say either we get back together or never speak to me again. she is contemplating and willl get back to me..

 

She doesn't believe you for a second.

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Why did you say pick me, pick me. You should have told her what I said and she'd start chasing you. :(

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Simon Phoenix
Why did you say pick me, pick me. You should have told her what I said and she'd start chasing you. :(

 

Exactly. Or she won't chase and he'll have to move forward. But the "ultimatum" is something that will certainly result in disaster. He'd have been better off saying nothing at all and just cutting things off completely.

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BigGirlPantiesOn
we talked.. i got myself to say either we get back together or never speak to me again. she is contemplating and willl get back to me..

 

and again you're happiness lies with her?

 

 

You gave away your power...again.

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Exactly. Or she won't chase and he'll have to move forward. But the "ultimatum" is something that will certainly result in disaster. He'd have been better off saying nothing at all and just cutting things off completely.

 

you really think an ultimatum like that is certainly disasterous?..

i thought it was a decent move.. idk my head is a mess right now. sorry im so all over the place guys. i really apprecaite everyones time and concern. truly and really..

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