Jump to content

Should I Send Flowers on Her Birthday?


Recommended Posts

My ex and I were together for five years, she dumped me 2 months ago. I screwed up. Raised my voice too many times. I was too critical of the things she did. I feel awful about it now.

 

We've been in pretty regular contact since. She asked me to call when I got home the night she broke up with me. I've mainly contacted her since, and we get along pretty well. We talk every 3-4 days. She has even initiated contact and shows concern. I've screwed things up by constantly begging for her back, though, and I've damaged things pretty badly in the last few weeks. She's been angry/annoyed. She told me about 3-4 days ago that she's done, she wants me to back off, and she is interested in another man. Even though she says all that, she says she still wants to hear from me every few weeks/months to hear how my life is going.

 

Her birthday is in five days and I just want to know if I should send her flowers? I got her flowers or a more expensive/lavish gift for EVERY holiday. I've already mailed her a card with her favorite cartoon character on it, with a message that's more friendly than romantic. On one hand, I'd like to send her flowers because I'm afraid if the new guys does and I don't that makes him look good. I'm afraid though, that if I do send flowers she'll be even more annoyed/angry and it will push her further away, to the point where she doesn't want to be friends even.

 

Any advice?

Link to post
Share on other sites

She's specifically asked you to back off. This means she won't welcome contact from you, especially a romantic gesture. I'd leave it be.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
No flowers, and go NC.

 

I want her back more than anything. I don't care how much I suffer, how much my heart breaks, I just want her back. I'm not sure NC is conducive to reconciliation. Also, it's extremely hard for me not to contact her, as she's interested in another man. I don't want to give him a golden opportunity to woo her.

 

She's specifically asked you to back off. This means she won't welcome contact from you, especially a romantic gesture. I'd leave it be.
:( You're probably right, it's just the pressure of another guy being in the picture that makes me feel like I need to do SOMETHING. Even worse, what if she doesn't get anything? I don't want her to be sad...

 

I can't help but wonder if she was friendly with me up until the point she got interested in this new guy. Like, she kept me around for companionship when she needed it, but now hearing from me makes her feel guilty.

Edited by imissyou28
Link to post
Share on other sites
FortunateSon

By breaking up with you, she essentially "fired" you from being her boyfriend. Would you send a boss that fired you flowers on their birthday? If she is interested/seeing someone new, go no contact and start moving forward with your life, do you really want the new guy to reap the benefits of the ego boost you will give her by sending her flowers?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Smarty Pants

Flowers are a horrible idea.

 

She is done, yet she still wants to keep in touch and wants you to be the one who makes an effort? Cake eater.

 

Do not prolong this any longer because you two aren't getting back together any time soon. Time to let this one go for now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Because she is already interested in another man, this relationship is over & You have already lost her.

 

Before I read that I was going to say since you have been in contact, flowers might be OK. Communication fosters reconcilliation. NC is about healing.

 

Here they are going to be a waste of money. You already burned your capital by begging. More importantly, if you had sent more flowers instead of yelling & criticizing during the relationship, she might not have ended things. Learn from that & take a softer approach in your next relationship.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

She's interested in another man. She's detaching from you and attaching to him. I don't think you can reignite this. I'm sorry. Her attention is now focused elsewhere.

 

Please don't send the flowers because with how she is feeling towards you, it would only create more negativity.

Link to post
Share on other sites
DarkKnight1

Flowers/expensive gift seems to be the cure all for a simple sorry lol. Waste of money I say also can I ask why you brought her gifts for 'EVERY' holiday?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sure, why not. They'll liven up her bedroom while shes blowing the new guy she's into.

 

You gotta get a grip on reality. =/ I know it hurts and it sucks but once they're into a new dude that's it, game over.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
redbaron005

Sending flowers for selfish motives defeats the purpose of sending flowers. It's disrespectful of what she is wanting. If you send them it will only reinforce her reasoning behind the breakup.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

This has been a topic on my mind lately too.

 

Kind of in the same situation.

 

Only not sure if she has a new man but wanted her space to explore what was out there. Said she didn't want to resent me if I get pursuing her.

 

Was thinking of a simple happy bd text.

 

Good or bad idea?

Link to post
Share on other sites
organizedchaos
I want her back more than anything. I don't care how much I suffer, how much my heart breaks, I just want her back. I'm not sure NC is conducive to reconciliation. Also, it's extremely hard for me not to contact her, as she's interested in another man. I don't want to give him a golden opportunity to woo her.

 

:( You're probably right, it's just the pressure of another guy being in the picture that makes me feel like I need to do SOMETHING. Even worse, what if she doesn't get anything? I don't want her to be sad...

I can't help but wonder if she was friendly with me up until the point she got interested in this new guy. Like, she kept me around for companionship when she needed it, but now hearing from me makes her feel guilty.

 

Wait, what? She breaks your heart, and you're worried she might be sad if she doesn't get anything? Really?

 

Tear up your man card now. You're suspended from the club.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
This has been a topic on my mind lately too.

 

Kind of in the same situation.

 

Only not sure if she has a new man but wanted her space to explore what was out there. Said she didn't want to resent me if I get pursuing her.

 

Was thinking of a simple happy bd text.

 

Good or bad idea?

 

 

So she basically wanted to see what other guys were out there as she thought that was the better option....?! No don't send a happy birthday text. She does not deserve one. She gave up that right of receiving one when she broke up with you to "explore"

 

T

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks Tally. Just reinforces the right thing to do. NC from me.

 

 

No problemo. I know its hard! I am in the same situation of NC, but I am giving you some tough love as I hope/know someone would do the same to me :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think your time would be better spent working on changing old habits of yelling and criticizing. You likely learned those bad habits as a child from witnessing a parent berating the other parent or berating the children, and so that has becomed engrained in your behavior. Or, possibly, you feel a need to control everything around you, and so you won't let the other person to do things her way or make mistakes without you lashing out to "correct" her. I think you should get to the bottom of why you react this way to a partner, preferably through therapy, and work on learning better communication and conflict resolution practices before trying to make it work with any woman, or your pattern of berating/criticizing will continue to ruin relationships. If you did get back together with your ex, after the honeymoon period of reconciliation is over, you would likely be back to the negative reactionary behavior, and ruin the relationship again. Work on yourself first and your negative patterns/behaviors. Keep in light touch, like she asked. Check in with her every few weeks to say Hello. Let her know you've been working on your communication issues with a therapist so she can see that you are trying to work out your issues, and maybe she'll eventually give you another chance. It may be too late to salvage this relationship, but you will be in a better position to keep the next one healthy if you do the necessary work on yourself.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My stupid thought process is if she knows i moved on then as stubborn as she is she will never reach out. But i have to remind myself it doesn't matter. I have to move on and leave her out of the equation. She also wished me a happy bd when we were in NC so i thought i return the gesture. I often think life is short and sometimes small gestures make a difference. But that is the hopeless romantic in me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Smarty Pants

In your mind, you've played up a situation where doing something for her on her bday will make her feelings come back. When you do, and her feelings don't come back magically, you'll feel even worse.

 

Trust me when I say that it isn't a good idea to send ANYTHING.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Wasn't along the lines that i wanted her feeling to come back but more that in some way or form were in communication. Here is hoping i would get a reply back.

 

But i see your point smarty pants. Its a lose, lose situation.

 

Would delay the healing. And I want to heal so bad. I'm sick of feeling like this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Wasn't along the lines that i wanted her feeling to come back but more that in some way or form were in communication. Here is hoping i would get a reply back.

 

But i see your point smarty pants. Its a lose, lose situation.

 

Would delay the healing. And I want to heal so bad. I'm sick of feeling like this.

 

 

All that is going to happen is, she either wont reply, she will reply saying just thanks, or reply saying "thanks, how are you", you will get into a little conversation and soon enough the conversation will be over and you will be feeling terrible again - and for what? Trust me, I have been in this position.

 

I know it is hard. I have been walking around a bit like a zombie today, you are not alone!

 

T

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Tally. Sounds like my life with her for the last 10 months.

 

Always feel worse after.

 

Even worse when your ex sleeps with you then tells you it was fun but the moment is gone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh

By sending her flowers, all your doing is throwing good money after bad.

 

If she's seeing another guy then it should tell you that it's over.

 

Now maybe what you should do is work on your anger issues and learn how to control your temper and think before you speak or sure as hell, it's going to happen again and your going to be on the short end of the stick again.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Well, I just learned she found out her new boyfriend had another girlfriend. They went on only a few dates, according to her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...