Not sure what to think of Separation

[Blondx]

Hi everyone

I have already posted on the Marrige board but I was lurking around an seen Break-up an thought this was more along the lines of what I needed.

 

My Husband an I have been together for 10 yrs.Married 5.We have always argued an bickerd back an forth but always found our way back(we're both stubborn).We seen ourselves as soul mates an said we would never leave one another.Well on Sept 5 he asked for a separation said he thought it best before we ended up hating each other.I have been gone for the last 8 months taking care of my sick grandma.I've only been home 1 month.In that month we have a place of our own an for the 1st time in a yr all of us our under the same roof.We have 2 son's 13 an 7,the 7yr old is ours together.

I thought things were looking up we still have alot of stress on us but I felt in time everything was gonna be ok,then the separation.Now keep in mind he says we are NOT a couple, we live under the same roof. I continue to take him the places he needs to go an he continues to help me.We sleep in the same bedbut do not hug kiss,or have sex-He would if I allowed it.

I have Lupus an Fibromyalgia and not sure what kinda job I can do.I think barbering is out of the question.We are not able at this time to afford 2 places.

 

It's very hard being with him an I can't touch him kiss or hold him.I Love my husband more than life it's self-I have since we met.He says if we are in deed soul mates,we will be together again.He has also said he wants to be alone to get his head straight.He does not know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.He also says he still loves me.In fact this note is what he wrote me for my birthday yesterdayafter not saying 1 word in the morning or when I picked him up for work. I came home to this

note after picking our son up.

 

 

My Name

You may have thought I forgot But I haven't

HAPPY BIRTHDAY-My NAME!!

No Matter what happens with us now or in the future I will ALWAYS Love you

and you will ALWAYS be my 1st and last true Love!!!

Love His name

 

 

I have never been so confused in all my life-He says we go thru the same thing.Fighting,arguing an say we will try an things always seem to go right back to the way they were.I think I have lost him for good this time an I am terrified.He is not hearing me anymore.He says his biggest fear is we will work it out this time only to return to our old ways.

He is 32 an I am 39.I'm having crazy thoughts.He's doing this b/c I'm getting old he don't want to be tide down to a sick wife he just wants to be with someone else and already has someone in mindalthou he sweaqrs this is not true.

Please give me some advice an other ways of looking at my biggest fear.I am a mess.

Thanx so much,Blond

[Scott S]

Now keep in mind he says we are NOT a couple, we live under the same roof. I continue to take him the places he needs to go an he continues to help me.We sleep in the same bedbut do not hug kiss,or have sex-He would if I allowed it.

 

It's very hard being with him an I can't touch him kiss or hold him.I Love my husband more than life it's self-I have since we met.

 

 

You didn't mention why you can't. Is it due to your condition? My wife has FMS (but not lupus), We've made some adjustments to accomodate this, but we still have a lot of intimacy in our relationship.

 

He says you aren't a couple because he feels like you aren't a couple. I know you can't help that you have a medical condition, but it seems his function is more of a resident caregiver than of a husband.

 

I know there are a lot of support groups. He needs to learn more about your condition, & you both need to learn more about how it's impacting your relationship & what to do about it.

[Blondx]

Thanx so much for replying.

We are looking for a support group to attend not only for him but for me also.I am very bitter after the life I have lived,the loses I have suffered an then to be told before 40 I have Lupus/Fibro an am not doing good.If not on med's I have a hard time.

Anyway,My conditions are not really the problem he has been very supportive an goes to my appointments and hospital visits with me when work allows him.

Our problems are we have alot of problems.lol

We are litterally starting over,with the DUI my health, also my being gone for 8 months have done more than alot of damage.Not to mention just time it'sself.

We have both decided we still have the foundation for a true romance and loving relationship.We have alot of work to do.My keeping my big mouth shut an stop bit**ing about EVERYTHING will help alot.

I start seeing a councilor on monday. It's not only for my marriage but for me.I have been through more in my life than most 10 ppl.I have just went on an not really dealt with what has happened to me and now I am one mean witch-Not all the time,lol. I am a sweetheart also that ya never know when will jump.He hates it an I don't blame him one bit I hate that part of me also.

 

I have faith an hope everything will work out an right now I am the happiest woman in the world.My Husband called me from work twice before he reached me just to tell me what he had been thinking an how he wants us to be together always.We have too many yrs invested,many tears ,much pain,But also alot happiness.

 

Oh an as far as answering ur question.No,my health has nothing to do with (at the time) us not being physical.I thought it best during the "separation",it caused me confustion an alot of pain.He on the other hand was more than willing to be hot an heavyI just didn't want to.He wouldn't hug me or kiss me nothing.

Everything is good now an we should have a great time 2nite

 

Thanx again for replaying to my post.I really appreciate it an I hope ur wife feels better.Is she ableto work?How long has she been dignosed?

Have a good one,

Blond

[Scott S]

Good. You both need to get a support group. One that you could attend together would be best.

 

In your post, it wasn't clear about your being separated. Are you separated now, considering a separation, or back together after a separation?

[Scott S]

OK, I found the other thread in the "Marriage" forum. Now I see the background.

 

My wife is feeling better. We had an issue running for quite a while. I have allergies & a sinus condition, which sometimes (was often) causes me to snore at night. The resulting sleep deprivation was affecting her adversely (she believes this caused the FMS) in several ways. We ended up sleeping in separate bedrooms for almost a year & a half. The effect on our relationship was gradual, decreasing feelings of intimacy, & after a while I was feeling more like a roommate than a husband.

 

I had consulted with my doctor about the snoring, & trying several different things. I'm now using different allergy meds, Breathe-Right nasal strips, & am trying to get in with the ENT dr.

 

Recently (at my insistence), she finally consulted with her physician about FMS, & ways to mitigate the symptoms. She's been participating in some clinical studies of FMS at the UW Medical School, which isn't medical treatment, per se. In these, she's a study subject, basically a lab animal, not a patient. Her dr prescribed meds for her to help her sleep at night.

 

My snoring is abated, & she thinks the time sleeping apart helped her regain the ability to sleep at night. We are now sharing the bed again, & slowly rediscovering intimacy.

 

Now back to you.

 

You were of course pretty upset when you first posted about being separated. Is this a trial separation? Has one of you moved out or are you still living together?

 

You mentioned being in counseling. Are you in couples counseling, or by yourself? Marriage/couples counseling can be an important part of keeping a trial separation under control. It helps keep communications open, & provides an intermediary, a "referee," if you will. The goal of a trial separation being, of course, to mend the relationship & avoid family court. It doesn't always work that way, but in this case it sounds like he really wants to be back with you, & really wants to make the relationship work.

 

Good luck. Talk to you soon!!

[Blondx]

Thanx again for replying!!!

So Far So Good My husband an I are getting along perfectly!

I will still be goin to counciling,I feel it's time to take care of those past demons.Because of the DUI my husband has had to recieve ALOT of counciling,still having to go every Tues.for another 24 weeks.I'm gonna start these sessions by myself then maybe include him at another time.

 

I'm glad your wife is doin better.I know all to well how my husband felt about my not sleeping with him.It made him feel unloved an like I was pushing him away.We sleep together every night now,it has made quite a difference.I really didn't take it that serious.I didn't feel I was doin anything that bad, but I was.I guess I got too use to seeing my mother an father NEVER sleep together my father always in front of a TV,which is just what I did.My Husband got to me this time,he really got through my thick,stubborn head.I don't ever want to lose him an I took him for granted,big time!!

I have done alot of research and studing on Fibro and Lupus.I agree with your wife to a point on the sleep deprivation as it will make Fibro and Lupus much worse,BUT it will in no way cause Fibromyalgia.Honestly Fibro is still a condition doctors know little about.Some Doctors in fact will not treat Fibro as they do not believe it exists.I know, crazy when U have seen how hard it is on your wife,but thats what they believe.One reason is b/c they can not find out why or how so there for it doesn't exists.

Again Thanx and I wish U an ur wife the best of luck.

I am waiting on hurricane Ivan,wish he would come on!!!

We still have power but we know the drill it's only a matter of time.They say we may be without power for 2-5 weeks,so that part of it,I'm a lil worried.Besides the fact We are right in it's path an it don't look like he's gonna turn.

Have a good 1

Blond

 

P.S.-BTWI forgot about this until I was reading over an checking this post.My husband has not drank a drop since he got the DUI about 19 months ago(Something like that).Thank God.He realizes how much trouble it caused.Not that it is an excuse,but when we were told I had Lupus,he took the news rather hard.He decided to go an try an drink it away I guess.It didn't work an has made him learn some lessons I hoped he would learn a long time ago it took that DUI thou.It is a very exspensive lesson to learn thats for sure but if it we works then I will have all I will ever need.

[Scott S]

So Far So Good My husband an I are getting along perfectly!

 

I will still be goin to counciling,I feel it's time to take care of those past demons.Because of the DUI my husband has had to recieve ALOT of counciling,still having to go every Tues.for another 24 weeks.I'm gonna start these sessions by myself then maybe include him at another time.

 

Good. At least get started. Things can be adjusted as you go along, if need be.

 

 

I'm glad your wife is doin better.I know all to well how my husband felt about my not sleeping with him.It made him feel unloved an like I was pushing him away.We sleep together every night now,it has made quite a difference.I really didn't take it that serious.I didn't feel I was doin anything that bad, but I was.I guess I got too use to seeing my mother an father NEVER sleep together my father always in front of a TV,which is just what I did.My Husband got to me this time,he really got through my thick,stubborn head.I don't ever want to lose him an I took him for granted,big time!!

 

We are. After some long talks, I understand how she really does feel, as opposed to what things seem to be. Different people have different needs, of course. For some, this is not much of an issue.

 

I have done alot of research and studing on Fibro and Lupus.I agree with your wife to a point on the sleep deprivation as it will make Fibro and Lupus much worse,BUT it will in no way cause Fibromyalgia.Honestly Fibro is still a condition doctors know little about.Some Doctors in fact will not treat Fibro as they do not believe it exists.I know, crazy when U have seen how hard it is on your wife,but thats what they believe.One reason is b/c they can not find out why or how so there for it doesn't exists.

 

FMS is such a nebulous condition it's almost impossible to diagnose, much less treat. It doesn't help that most sufferers are women, & most people left scratching their heads about it are men. I've done a lot of reading on it of late. The sources talk so much about how different ways for the patient to cope, but almost nothing of use for spouses, family members, significant others, lovers, etc. "Just be supportive," they say, & that's it. Thanks for the sour persimmons! BTW, since this is getting off-topic, PM me to talk more about it. I'd love to hear other views.

 

Again Thanx and I wish U an ur wife the best of luck.

I am waiting on hurricane Ivan,wish he would come on!!!

We still have power but we know the drill it's only a matter of time.They say we may be without power for 2-5 weeks,so that part of it,I'm a lil worried.Besides the fact We are right in it's path an it don't look like he's gonna turn.

[/Quote]

 

Looks like Ivan's missed you, except for the edges. But watch out for Jeanne!

[Scott S]

Looks like Ivan's missed you, except for the edges. But watch out for Jeanne!

 

For some reason, I've thought of "West Florida" being the Gulf coast of the penninsula. If you live in what I've called the Panhandle, then I hope you all are OK. Look forward to hearing from you again when the power comes back on!

[Scott S]

I am waiting on hurricane Ivan,wish he would come on!!!

 

We still have power but we know the drill it's only a matter of time.They say we may be without power for 2-5 weeks,so that part of it,I'm a lil worried.Besides the fact We are right in it's path an it don't look like he's gonna turn.

 

Hello!

 

I hope this finds you relatively well, & that your absence is only on account of no electricity..

 

I've been thinking about you & wondering how you are doing. Take Care!

[Scott S]

Originally posted by Scott S

 

I hope this finds you relatively well, & that your absence is only on account of no electricity..

 

I've been thinking about you & wondering how you are doing. Take Care!

 

Looks like power & phone service is slowly returning to your area.

 

So how are you doing?