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Dumped because of jealous child


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Summerrose2013

I'd known this guy as a friend for a long time but only properly for a year. We live two hours apart.

When his kid kicked off because she was jealous of me I asked him if he was going to drop me. He said he would only do that as a last resort! His other kid loves me.

I didn't handle this very well. I went mad. He pushed me away and refused to discuss it with me. He said he tried to change her mind but she was set on him not having a girlfriend!!!

I didn't handle this well either and said I couldn't believe he would let an 8 yo rule his life.

Lots more long texts. He was sending long replies then just never replied. He was getting the kids the next day.

I'm a week into NC. Nearly crumbled today. Typed out a text but thankfully didn't send it.

 

Is this relationship even worth fighting for?

 

He was really hurt by his divorce.the kids are his life. So much so even his family say it's unhealthy.

 

Can he change?

 

I've dated someone else this weekend. He was lovely but no spark. The break up was a few weeks ago now.

 

I want to be friends again one day. We have mutual friends. More family really but nothing incestuous!!

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You will never be first when you date someone with children. That is something you must accept. When it comes down to it, the parent is going to choose the child. With my last ex, he was going to propose to me. Bought a ring and everything. His son said he wasn't ready yet, and things went downhill from there. He dumped me about 5 months later.

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If his child is having a hard time with him dating, he is doing the right thing to address that before dating.

 

Doesn't matter what his family thinks about the situation.

 

You need to give him some time and space. If he wants to try again, he knows where to find you.

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Summerrose2013

Thanks. What exactly does first mean though? I didn't even get a look in...I would have tried to work it out. There is - I have since discovered - a lot of advice out there on managing this very common scenario but the one key thing seems to be for the adults to show a United front. This kid perfected the divide and conquer in one afternoon. She showed me zero respect. She was split personality. One minute playing with me then the next telling me to go home. I'm from a broken home so had a ton of sympathy for her. At first.

 

Funny thing is he always told me he would never date a woman who had kids.

 

I'm not even sure I could ever forgive him. Broke up 3 times with my last bf and nothing ever changed I just missed him in between.

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Summerrose2013
If his child is having a hard time with him dating, he is doing the right thing to address that before dating.

 

Doesn't matter what his family thinks about the situation.

 

You need to give him some time and space. If he wants to try again, he knows where to find you.

 

Thankyou. He never went out to date. If I'm honest I fell for him and made it obvious and he responded to it. I stupidly thought if he had another adult relationship he would stop pinning his entire life on his kids who he only sees every other weekend. I've found out its classed as surrogate spouse syndrome. He's petrified of getting hurt again too but not a problem hurting me. I did walk away quickly but now I'm in the classic should I have fought or tried harder phase...

 

So. Every time I want to contact him maybe I'll post here instead if that is ok...

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There is - I have since discovered - a lot of advice out there on managing this very common scenario but the one key thing seems to be for the adults to show a United front. This kid perfected the divide and conquer in one afternoon.

 

No - if you are MARRIED or co-parents, you need to show a united front. If you are dating, the parent has to put his child's needs first. And the way this child is acting, this family is nowhere near ready for the dad to be married or serious with someone.

 

She showed me zero respect. She was split personality. One minute playing with me then the next telling me to go home. I'm from a broken home so had a ton of sympathy for her. At first.

 

It's not split personality... she's a kid. Her reality is what she is feeling at that very moment. If she is having fun with you and feeling happy, great. If she is feeling jealous and like you are getting her dad's love, not great. VERY normal for a girl her age in her situation.

 

I'm not even sure I could ever forgive him. Broke up 3 times with my last bf and nothing ever changed I just missed him in between.

 

:( I am sorry. I would just move on from this situation and find someone who doesn't have children and who is more ready for sharing your life with you.

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Thankyou. He never went out to date. If I'm honest I fell for him and made it obvious and he responded to it. I stupidly thought if he had another adult relationship he would stop pinning his entire life on his kids who he only sees every other weekend.

 

He's not ready - and that has nothing to do with you or anything you lack. No matter how great you are at loving him, he's still not ready.

 

He's petrified of getting hurt again too but not a problem hurting me.

 

This is normal after a divorce. There's a wall up that takes a while to crumble.

 

I did walk away quickly but now I'm in the classic should I have fought or tried harder phase...

 

It does no good for you to try harder. This isn't your issue at all.

 

So. Every time I want to contact him maybe I'll post here instead if that is ok...

 

That's a great idea. There's a lot of people here going through breakups and they are very supportive.

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Only date somebody with children if you can accept that you will never come first to that person. Some people are completely okay with that, others aren't so you need to think about whether this dynamic is gonna work for your emotional needs or not.

 

Having a life with you will never be a top priority of his because he's already started a life with his kids and that's all he needs. if you want to be a part of that life, that's great as long as you know your place, and if it's not for you, that's great too.

 

there are some great guys out there who have children.. but there are great guys out there who don't.

Edited by WhiteTan
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Summerrose2013

Thankyou. You have reinforced what I suppose I knew in my heart. Only he can change this situation. I have a lot of pride and pushed him away too.

I've told him I don't love him any more and could never trust him.

He wanted to come visit me to talk - no suggestion of changing anything I hasten to add- he said it was so I could shout at him in person. But in reality I had presents for his.children he wanted to collect. I mailed them and told him not to come. He had said leave them in the porch if I was out, this is how I knew his real intentions.

He apologised for hurting me. He is the sort that doesn't like anyone to think bad of him and is always the clever one or hero in his tales. Honestly I could make a page of problems with him but my heart still aches for him.

 

Thanks for this forum for existing. I can't talk about it to family or friends anymore. They think after a few weeks it's time to move on...

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Summerrose2013
Only date somebody with children if you can accept that you will never come first to that person. Some people are completely okay with that, others aren't so you need to think about whether this dynamic is gonna work for your emotional needs or not.

 

Having a life with you will never be a top priority of his because he's already started a life with his kids and that's all he needs. if you want to be a part of that life, that's great as long as you know your place, and if it's not for you, that's great too.

 

there are some great guys out there who have children.. but there are great guys out there who don't.

 

He never gave me the option to be part of just his life. He said he wouldn't see me at all. When he told his daughter he would see me the weekends they weren't there the daughter didn't like that either. (-: seems crazy to me. She felt she was missing out then.

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Well, this is a hot mess.

 

 

His daughter is having a hard time with all of this. And you coming from a broken home yourself should be understanding of this. She probably wishes her parents were back together. And there's no chance of that if you're in the picture. His problem is that he saw the hurt and devastation in her eyes when her family broke up and maybe promised himself that he never wants to see his kid in so much pain ever again.

 

 

And you haven't made things easy for him either. You've pushed him away and told him that you don't love him. I'm pretty sure he knows you went on that date. And you're quick to list off his faults.

 

 

But, I have to ask, what do you want? Do you want him back or not? If you want him back, we have advice. If you don't want him back and looking to get over him, well, we have advice for that too! But, we need to know what you want!

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He never gave me the option to be part of just his life. He said he wouldn't see me at all. When he told his daughter he would see me the weekends they weren't there the daughter didn't like that either. (-: seems crazy to me. She felt she was missing out then.

 

This is strange... his daughter shouldn't be brought into adult-decision making. Yet another reason for you to move on.

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Honestly I could make a page of problems with him but my heart still aches for him.

 

Hearts are idiots. Sometimes, they take a while to catch up to logic and reason.

 

 

They just want you to be happy, and believe somehow that saying "Hey you are OK without him" makes it so. It takes time.

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He never gave me the option to be part of just his life. He said he wouldn't see me at all. When he told his daughter he would see me the weekends they weren't there the daughter didn't like that either. (-: seems crazy to me. She felt she was missing out then.

 

My last ex also had a problem bringing the child into adult decisions. I think it stemmed from my ex feeling guilty that he was a single parent, so he overcompensated and became more of a buddy to his son. Everyone deals with it differently, but, in the vast majority of cases, the parent is not going to put you first. I have seen the same issues play out with friends who have also dated people with children.

 

You will always be the one on the outside. The one who crashed the party when the children had the parents all to themselves. You can't hold it against the child because they usually aren't mature enough to realize that. the vast majority of children have no desire to see their parents remarry, and that's just the reality.

 

In my case, daily activities went along without a hitch, but we had problems when it came to major issues, such as the engagement. I also remember my ex saying that he didn't want the two of us to go out of town without his son until his son reached a certain age. That kind of shocked me, but, like I said, everyone deals with these weird dynamics differently.

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This is strange... his daughter shouldn't be brought into adult-decision making. Yet another reason for you to move on.

 

Trust me, this is a red flag. The last thing you need is someone who can't be a strong parent and make decisions for their child. I dealt with that for 3 years, and it became infuriating.

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Not worth it. The guy doesn't have it together obviously and allows children into adult decision making. He may have to work at the family dynamics and regain control before he is fit for dating.

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todreaminblue

hey six months after my break up from my ex i thought i was ready to date,I actually have five kids, most are adults now,my kids were not ready for me to date they were having a really rough time of it and honestly so was I.

 

 

My kids are ready for me to date its been years, but I just cant date anyone.So it is going to take time and that seems to be the consensus across the replies.....It just takes time...i wish you well.....deb

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He never gave me the option to be part of just his life. He said he wouldn't see me at all. When he told his daughter he would see me the weekends they weren't there the daughter didn't like that either. (-: seems crazy to me. She felt she was missing out then.

If he keeps catering his kid like this, she's gonna grow up to be an entitled brat.

 

All you need to know at this point is that if he wanted you to be in his life, he would put in the effort to see you. If he doesn't care enough about you to stand up to his daughter, the guy isn't worth it. this situation isn't fair to you and you deserve a man who wants to and can give you his all.

 

his children need him more than you ever will so i'd say lets keep it moving and maybe find a guy who is on his own.

Edited by WhiteTan
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Summerrose2013

Thank you again. Reading some of the replies there were a few real 'lightbulb' moments.

 

Being from a step parented family that didn't work myself, I was really careful, very kind to these kids, never stayed around for too long, always took a back seat, stayed in the guest room etc. BUT no matter how much this child is the product of her parents, at the end of the day she is still becoming a child that it is not pleasant to be around and only time will tell if she can better herself. Her mother, even in her 30s, made her own fathers life a misery when he took a new girlfriend after being widowed. He is still with her - they stuck it out. BUT it's like history is repeating itself and the signs are all there that I've actually just been saved from MANY years of misery, however bitter the pill is to swallow at the moment. I want to scream at my ex that he is helping to make his child into a mini version of his ex, but what is the point, when he doesn't want to hear it. He pandered to everything his ex wanted, and she never became a nice person. They (ex and child) are a product of nature, nuture and over indulgence by HIM. Something that never extended to his treatment of me (even when the kids weren't around, if I'm honest with myself. and ouch that hurts to say that.)

 

And in fact the 2 girls are twins, and the other daugher is lovely, adored me, I think she enjoyed the attention from me (the first daughter is very attention seeking so she gets side lined a lot.) So she, with the same upbringing, has managed to stay nice. She said 'that's fine, mummy has a boyfriend and daddy has a girlfriend) For me, this shows that there is a strong element of NATURE inherited from the mother here. She is easy going (like her father - well sort of.) Apparently the jealous one used to say to her dad 'why don't you get a girlfriend dad' - !!

 

The troubled daughter would not dream of trying on this behaviour with her mother, I'm sure. Her mother is on her 4th partner since the split, she is never happy with her life, so tries to ensure no one else is. It scares me that this kid will be the same.

 

I am NOT a child hater, BUT being around this family has made me experience feelings that I never knew I had. I don't like the person that these problems have made me into. I am NOT a bad person. I don't want to end up angry and bitter. I've seen stories from wives, girfriends who have endured years and years of misery at the hands of jealous daughters.

 

BUT the big lightbulb was the Chi TownD's question - what do I actually want from him?

 

I thought, I wanted him to come back to me, to make things right, but now, I'm really not sure. I guess that confusion has come over.

 

Thank you for being here!! I'm still like a split person - part of me desperate to text him on any old excuse to start contact, the other half wanting to just wipe him from my existence. I want to be strong with NC. It HAS to come from HIM if he wants to try again, or to tell me he has made a mistake in how he handled this. Thing is, he has done this thing before where he 'leaves me alone' because he knows I'm angry or hurt, so I think he won't contact me. He's also told me he's had to stop himself contacting me to send me kisses just after we broke up - but I honestly just think that's him breaking the habit, NOT that he missed me. Well he might miss me, but he thinks that is worth it, to make his daughter happy, no matter that he's turning her into an 'entitled child' (nice phrase.)

 

Edit - oh, and it was HIM that was insistent I spend time with the kids. I was happy just seeing him on our own for at least a year. I never wanted to flit in and out of the kids lives, as that is what the mother does with her partners. I would have preferred for US to bond for longer before getting in deep with the kids.....even if that took a few years.

Edited by Summerrose2013
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This is strange... his daughter shouldn't be brought into adult-decision making. Yet another reason for you to move on.

My father used to bring us into adult decision making (my parents divorced when I was 7) from a very early age. He would put responsibility on me from budgeting during holidays to his relationships with women. The reason behind this was that he didn't want the responsibility himself. Pretty weak, if you ask me.

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Summerrose2013

Yes, very good point. Also, when things goes wrong, they can't then take the blame!!

I see adults putting far too much responsibility or decision making onto their kids. They think they are empowering them, but children need to be carefree for these happy years...I don't think it's any coincidence that there are more awful kids around these days.

Kid in my post is having awful trouble at school and it's no wonder, sadly. She thinks the world revolves around her and at school the other kids aren't buying it.

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Yes, very good point. Also, when things goes wrong, they can't then take the blame!!

I see adults putting far too much responsibility or decision making onto their kids. They think they are empowering them, but children need to be carefree for these happy years...I don't think it's any coincidence that there are more awful kids around these days.

Kid in my post is having awful trouble at school and it's no wonder, sadly. She thinks the world revolves around her and at school the other kids aren't buying it.

 

Well, kids also lack the maturity to make sound decisions. As a parent, you lead by example and gradually give a child more responsibility as they age. I often felt that I was teaching my ex how to be a parent, and you don't want it need to be in that situation.

 

You could do everything right, but the kids will never truly accept you. They might when they are adults who can make more logical decisions, but all they see now is someone taking time away from their dad. I loved my ex's child as my own, but he never fully accepted me. I don't blame the child though.

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I think the biggest problem you had was his insistence for you to interact with the kids early in the relationship.

 

 

You're finding a lot of single parents (and more so with women) is that they won't introduce a new partner to the kids until they've established that the relationship is strong and stands a good chance of actually going somewhere. They don't want their kids exposed to a revolving door of men and women coming and going in and out of their lives.

 

 

Once you established that the relationship actually stands a chance, then he could have eased you into the fold slowly. Mention you a couple of times over dinner, mentioning you in general conversations. Then, one day, taking the kids to the zoo and telling them that he was bringing you. Then, going to the zoo and possibly to dinner afterwards and you would go home. Just a couple of hours at first. No big deal. Then, the next time maybe spending the day with them with you going home in the evening. It would be the kids getting used to your presents slowly into their lives. Not being thrusted into it with you being around the entire time with their father and even sleeping over. The one kid wasn't ready for that.

 

 

Plus, if you had a strong relationship with him and you both know that you wanted to be with each other, that would have given you a united front against the kids.

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Summerrose2013

Thanks. Yes, we both handled it really badly, but I did not feel empowered to have any sort of opinion, I just went along with whatever he suggested. Especially when it came to the children. And as soon as it became clear I was the problem and knew he was thinking 'welll she goes away, the problem goes away and my daughter is happy again' I knew we were doomed. Yes I did freak out, I'm not proud of that. I need to get back my self respect. I lost all respect for him and that actually really hurts me. I feel like I've made yet another bad judgement on a man.

I feel stupid. This is what is keeping me strong through NC.

 

I've been reading around some of the other threads and there is some really insightful stuff on these forums. I think I miss the ideal of what I thought he was, what I had made him up to be in my mind (perhaps a pitfall of a medium distance relationship). We didn't really know each other that well, and possibly this child just fast tracked the end to a relationship that was anyway doomed :sick:.

 

I think I feel more sad for myself now than actually missing him - this is really hard for me to admit. I dont want to belittle the love I had for him because the pain has been very real. But I'm a romantic idealist...if that makes sense.

 

Thing is, I really do think I can move on now - I mean, not NOW, but at the end of the 30 days NC, I think I wont want to contact him. We'll see....

 

I've found the thread about cleansing yourself, getting rid of stuff etc, and I'm getting on board with that as of TODAY. I took back a gift I'd bought for the kids today. Their birthday this week but I won't be texting him - know he'll be feeling crap but Im not the one for him to lean on any more. And if he contacts me, I'll ignore him. I'll put the money to something for myself or my family or my friends kids who love me. Then to tackle the photos, emails, texts......not looking forward BUT I already felt better for getting the gift out today so I know the rest will help me too. No point in clingling on.

When I meet a lovely new man, I want to have a clean slate....

 

:D

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Yes I did freak out, I'm not proud of that. I need to get back my self respect. I lost all respect for him and that actually really hurts me. I feel like I've made yet another bad judgement on a man.

I feel stupid. This is what is keeping me strong through NC.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, if you want to move on from this guy, then that's your choice. However, I'm going to have to disagree with your judgment of this guy. I think that he was face with a situation that he never had to handle before and he didn't have a clue.

 

 

But, I think you're loss of respect is misplaced. You had a guy that loved and adored his children. A man that wanted to be involved in their lives and let them know that they still had a Dad. You can read story after story of fathers that are no longer involved in their kids lives and become absent fathers and deadbeat Dads. This guys isn't one of those guys and that's something that should be respected and admired.

 

 

He's just lost. Doesn't know which way to turn. Therefore, he became easy to manipulate (even from a little kid). I just have a hard time accepting that this guy is a lost cause just because he handled things incorrectly and YOU can even admit that you did things wrong yourself!

 

 

I don't know. I don't mean to confuse you anymore than what you're experiencing right now. I don't know everything there is to know about this guy. You do. And it's only you that knows if this guy is worth staying with if he got his sh*t together.

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