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Dumped because of jealous child


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Old 22nd April 2014, 3:05 PM   #1
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Unhappy Dumped because of jealous child

I'd known this guy as a friend for a long time but only properly for a year. We live two hours apart.
When his kid kicked off because she was jealous of me I asked him if he was going to drop me. He said he would only do that as a last resort! His other kid loves me.
I didn't handle this very well. I went mad. He pushed me away and refused to discuss it with me. He said he tried to change her mind but she was set on him not having a girlfriend!!!
I didn't handle this well either and said I couldn't believe he would let an 8 yo rule his life.
Lots more long texts. He was sending long replies then just never replied. He was getting the kids the next day.
I'm a week into NC. Nearly crumbled today. Typed out a text but thankfully didn't send it.

Is this relationship even worth fighting for?

He was really hurt by his divorce.the kids are his life. So much so even his family say it's unhealthy.

Can he change?

I've dated someone else this weekend. He was lovely but no spark. The break up was a few weeks ago now.

I want to be friends again one day. We have mutual friends. More family really but nothing incestuous!!
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Old 22nd April 2014, 3:25 PM   #2
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You will never be first when you date someone with children. That is something you must accept. When it comes down to it, the parent is going to choose the child. With my last ex, he was going to propose to me. Bought a ring and everything. His son said he wasn't ready yet, and things went downhill from there. He dumped me about 5 months later.
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Old 22nd April 2014, 3:30 PM   #3
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If his child is having a hard time with him dating, he is doing the right thing to address that before dating.

Doesn't matter what his family thinks about the situation.

You need to give him some time and space. If he wants to try again, he knows where to find you.
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Old 22nd April 2014, 3:34 PM   #4
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Thanks. What exactly does first mean though? I didn't even get a look in...I would have tried to work it out. There is - I have since discovered - a lot of advice out there on managing this very common scenario but the one key thing seems to be for the adults to show a United front. This kid perfected the divide and conquer in one afternoon. She showed me zero respect. She was split personality. One minute playing with me then the next telling me to go home. I'm from a broken home so had a ton of sympathy for her. At first.

Funny thing is he always told me he would never date a woman who had kids.

I'm not even sure I could ever forgive him. Broke up 3 times with my last bf and nothing ever changed I just missed him in between.
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Old 22nd April 2014, 3:40 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by pteromom View Post
If his child is having a hard time with him dating, he is doing the right thing to address that before dating.

Doesn't matter what his family thinks about the situation.

You need to give him some time and space. If he wants to try again, he knows where to find you.
Thankyou. He never went out to date. If I'm honest I fell for him and made it obvious and he responded to it. I stupidly thought if he had another adult relationship he would stop pinning his entire life on his kids who he only sees every other weekend. I've found out its classed as surrogate spouse syndrome. He's petrified of getting hurt again too but not a problem hurting me. I did walk away quickly but now I'm in the classic should I have fought or tried harder phase...

So. Every time I want to contact him maybe I'll post here instead if that is ok...
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Old 22nd April 2014, 3:41 PM   #6
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There is - I have since discovered - a lot of advice out there on managing this very common scenario but the one key thing seems to be for the adults to show a United front. This kid perfected the divide and conquer in one afternoon.
No - if you are MARRIED or co-parents, you need to show a united front. If you are dating, the parent has to put his child's needs first. And the way this child is acting, this family is nowhere near ready for the dad to be married or serious with someone.

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She showed me zero respect. She was split personality. One minute playing with me then the next telling me to go home. I'm from a broken home so had a ton of sympathy for her. At first.
It's not split personality... she's a kid. Her reality is what she is feeling at that very moment. If she is having fun with you and feeling happy, great. If she is feeling jealous and like you are getting her dad's love, not great. VERY normal for a girl her age in her situation.

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I'm not even sure I could ever forgive him. Broke up 3 times with my last bf and nothing ever changed I just missed him in between.
I am sorry. I would just move on from this situation and find someone who doesn't have children and who is more ready for sharing your life with you.
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Old 22nd April 2014, 3:45 PM   #7
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Thankyou. He never went out to date. If I'm honest I fell for him and made it obvious and he responded to it. I stupidly thought if he had another adult relationship he would stop pinning his entire life on his kids who he only sees every other weekend.
He's not ready - and that has nothing to do with you or anything you lack. No matter how great you are at loving him, he's still not ready.

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He's petrified of getting hurt again too but not a problem hurting me.
This is normal after a divorce. There's a wall up that takes a while to crumble.

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I did walk away quickly but now I'm in the classic should I have fought or tried harder phase...
It does no good for you to try harder. This isn't your issue at all.

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So. Every time I want to contact him maybe I'll post here instead if that is ok...
That's a great idea. There's a lot of people here going through breakups and they are very supportive.
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Old 22nd April 2014, 3:57 PM   #8
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Only date somebody with children if you can accept that you will never come first to that person. Some people are completely okay with that, others aren't so you need to think about whether this dynamic is gonna work for your emotional needs or not.

Having a life with you will never be a top priority of his because he's already started a life with his kids and that's all he needs. if you want to be a part of that life, that's great as long as you know your place, and if it's not for you, that's great too.

there are some great guys out there who have children.. but there are great guys out there who don't.

Last edited by WhiteTan; 22nd April 2014 at 4:01 PM..
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Old 22nd April 2014, 4:29 PM   #9
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Thankyou. You have reinforced what I suppose I knew in my heart. Only he can change this situation. I have a lot of pride and pushed him away too.
I've told him I don't love him any more and could never trust him.
He wanted to come visit me to talk - no suggestion of changing anything I hasten to add- he said it was so I could shout at him in person. But in reality I had presents for his.children he wanted to collect. I mailed them and told him not to come. He had said leave them in the porch if I was out, this is how I knew his real intentions.
He apologised for hurting me. He is the sort that doesn't like anyone to think bad of him and is always the clever one or hero in his tales. Honestly I could make a page of problems with him but my heart still aches for him.

Thanks for this forum for existing. I can't talk about it to family or friends anymore. They think after a few weeks it's time to move on...
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Old 22nd April 2014, 4:32 PM   #10
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Only date somebody with children if you can accept that you will never come first to that person. Some people are completely okay with that, others aren't so you need to think about whether this dynamic is gonna work for your emotional needs or not.

Having a life with you will never be a top priority of his because he's already started a life with his kids and that's all he needs. if you want to be a part of that life, that's great as long as you know your place, and if it's not for you, that's great too.

there are some great guys out there who have children.. but there are great guys out there who don't.
He never gave me the option to be part of just his life. He said he wouldn't see me at all. When he told his daughter he would see me the weekends they weren't there the daughter didn't like that either. (-: seems crazy to me. She felt she was missing out then.
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Old 22nd April 2014, 5:03 PM   #11
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Well, this is a hot mess.


His daughter is having a hard time with all of this. And you coming from a broken home yourself should be understanding of this. She probably wishes her parents were back together. And there's no chance of that if you're in the picture. His problem is that he saw the hurt and devastation in her eyes when her family broke up and maybe promised himself that he never wants to see his kid in so much pain ever again.


And you haven't made things easy for him either. You've pushed him away and told him that you don't love him. I'm pretty sure he knows you went on that date. And you're quick to list off his faults.


But, I have to ask, what do you want? Do you want him back or not? If you want him back, we have advice. If you don't want him back and looking to get over him, well, we have advice for that too! But, we need to know what you want!
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Old 22nd April 2014, 5:03 PM   #12
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He never gave me the option to be part of just his life. He said he wouldn't see me at all. When he told his daughter he would see me the weekends they weren't there the daughter didn't like that either. (-: seems crazy to me. She felt she was missing out then.
This is strange... his daughter shouldn't be brought into adult-decision making. Yet another reason for you to move on.
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Old 22nd April 2014, 5:09 PM   #13
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Honestly I could make a page of problems with him but my heart still aches for him.
Hearts are idiots. Sometimes, they take a while to catch up to logic and reason.

[quoteThanks for this forum for existing. I can't talk about it to family or friends anymore. They think after a few weeks it's time to move on...[/QUOTE]

They just want you to be happy, and believe somehow that saying "Hey you are OK without him" makes it so. It takes time.
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Old 22nd April 2014, 9:41 PM   #14
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He never gave me the option to be part of just his life. He said he wouldn't see me at all. When he told his daughter he would see me the weekends they weren't there the daughter didn't like that either. (-: seems crazy to me. She felt she was missing out then.
My last ex also had a problem bringing the child into adult decisions. I think it stemmed from my ex feeling guilty that he was a single parent, so he overcompensated and became more of a buddy to his son. Everyone deals with it differently, but, in the vast majority of cases, the parent is not going to put you first. I have seen the same issues play out with friends who have also dated people with children.

You will always be the one on the outside. The one who crashed the party when the children had the parents all to themselves. You can't hold it against the child because they usually aren't mature enough to realize that. the vast majority of children have no desire to see their parents remarry, and that's just the reality.

In my case, daily activities went along without a hitch, but we had problems when it came to major issues, such as the engagement. I also remember my ex saying that he didn't want the two of us to go out of town without his son until his son reached a certain age. That kind of shocked me, but, like I said, everyone deals with these weird dynamics differently.
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Old 22nd April 2014, 9:43 PM   #15
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This is strange... his daughter shouldn't be brought into adult-decision making. Yet another reason for you to move on.
Trust me, this is a red flag. The last thing you need is someone who can't be a strong parent and make decisions for their child. I dealt with that for 3 years, and it became infuriating.
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