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The All-New 2014 No Contact Guide!


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this reiteration of NC was much needed, finding it hard lately. this reading this has helped.

 

thank you

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excellent post tara!!

 

 

both of you have helped so much on here!! :)

 

 

can I suggest something thou?

put the 180 guide on the end, so many on here are always asking what it is

 

 

The All-New 2014 Caliguy and TaraMaiden No Contact Guide and 180 GUIDE

!!

then it would be perfect

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I've got to say, this site and you guys have been amazing over the past year or so. I'm not a regular poster but when I have, the responses have been very helpful and honest.

 

Anyway, I went down the no contact route with my ex. I'd not spoken to her or had any contact with her for about 11 months. I must admit, I have seen her a few times and exchanged a few glances as unfortunately we work for the same company. This isn't how we met however, we were childhood friends and it's pure coincidence we ended up at the same company.

 

So yeah, 11 months of solid no contact was the other day, broken. She approached me at work and basically came straight out with it and asked why I had stopped speaking to her (I was the one to initiate NC). I could do nothing to avoid her. I did the usual explaining of how I needed a clean break. I must admit, it was fantastic to speak to her again as she was once my closest friend. We spoke about the past and had a great laugh together before she dropped her bombshell. She's moved on, in a new relationship and she now lives with this new guy. I sure as hell wish I could've moved on so easily.

 

It then hit me, it was like losing her all over again. Realising that she had genuinely moved on when I was still recovering was a right kick to the stomach.

 

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, no matter how difficult it is, MAINTAIN no contact. Ignorance really is bliss. She now expects us to be friends again and I'm going to try damn hard to make a friendship work but it's going to be a difficult road.

 

Listen to the advice on here from all the guys, no contact really is paramount in helping yourself recover. Don't break it like I did after 11 months!

 

All the best!

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I feel kind of like one of those cheesy testimonials you see on TV, but, No Contact has worked! It has given me faith in myself that I don't need my ex in my life to keep me happy. Love doesn't beg or plead. It is strong and steadfast, and by maintaining no contact I've been able to maintain my dignity as I go through the whirlwind of emotions associated with the breakup.

 

By the way, what is the 180 guide?

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'Doing a "180" ' means a complete turn-around from the previous position....

in other words, adopting a stance that is in complete contrast to behaviour and attitude hitherto demonstrated.

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Listen to the advice on here from all the guys, no contact really is paramount in helping yourself recover. Don't break it like I did after 11 months!

 

Brother, you can't be blamed entirely for this breakage of NC debacle. She cornered you. Unfortunately, you should have sacked up and done an NHL/NFL shuffle, and dodged the beeyotch. Why even entertain anything that came out of her gaping pie-hole? And after 11 months, it is sad to see things are still adversely affecting you. Avoid her at all costs from now on.

 

I need a coffee. It's too early to dole out late advice.

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I can't tell you how powerful this guide has been to opening my eyes on the fact that...

 

NC is about me. I was convinced that NC could get her back in the long run - but here's the trick...you'll never get them back until you lose them. You have to become someone new and probably, so do they. Think about it, there are only 4 possible outcomes:

 

1. You don't move on, they realise their mistake in time and come back to you. But you never got over the hurt, and whatever it was that got them to leave you in the first place remains...so either you devolve in to jealousy or they leave you again!

 

2. You don't move on and they never come back...whatever life it is that you lead beyond that is sad and alone. You remain tortured forever.

 

3. You move on and they come back. You're in a neutral position to decide whether the new you and the new them can make it work...and whatever your choice, it doesn't matter - because you've moved on.

 

4. You move on and they don't come back....and yeah, you probably got it - it doesn't matter anymore. Because you've moved on.

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I love this guide. Today is a bad day for me though and I'm just wondering whether our NC somehow lets the dumpers of the hook a bit by letting them think we don't mind being dumped. So they feel no guilt. I'm not planning on giving up my dignity by breaking NC but i'd prefer if he felt some shame about what he did. Then again maybe nothing would make him ashamed anyway.

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You can read in my profile my back story if you like.

 

I am over 5 months into NC with my ex girlfriend.

Im keeping myself busy, I have a new job,

planning holidays and trips with my friends,

going out to concerts, buying new clothes

and i am exercising and eating well.

 

I am staying strong with the NC.

 

But i admit i still think about her, alot of things remind me of her.

I hear music or see a film that i know she would like.

I wonder what she is doing.

 

Im goin to keep no contact and hope that soon

i will loose the feelings i have for her.

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What is new in this newest iteration of this guide?

 

I think I read it more than a few times yet I don't seem to notice anything different.

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TheBladeRunner

Thanks for the revised version! The original was very helpful for me creating a LC version as my XW and I have a child together. Bravo!

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It's a pitty no one takes notice of don't contact the ex, when it's their birthday etc. That gets asked so much.

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I love this guide. Today is a bad day for me though and I'm just wondering whether our NC somehow lets the dumpers of the hook a bit by letting them think we don't mind being dumped. So they feel no guilt. I'm not planning on giving up my dignity by breaking NC but i'd prefer if he felt some shame about what he did. Then again maybe nothing would make him ashamed anyway.

 

Remember, it's not about what it does to them; it's all about what it does FOR YOU.

They no longer figure; they don't matter.

Your response is by no means unusual though, and is a classic sign of someone who was in the habit of 'putting the other person first'.... in other words, your concern here, is about the effect on them, which is why it's important to shift your focus onto yourself, and do what matters most, for your healing. And that is, forget about what it's doing to them.

 

What is new in this newest iteration of this guide?

 

I think I read it more than a few times yet I don't seem to notice anything different.

There are some minor new changes to do with birthday/special occasion contact.... and some minor tweaks and adjustments. but the 'birthday' advice is significant. A lot of people new to NC ask about that...

 

This is the 'problem' with the Guide; when you've known about it for a long time, it's old hat, and can seem tedious. But remember, so many 'newbies' are seeing it for the first time. So it's important to add 'new material' as it becomes relevant or pertinent.

 

:)

 

This isn't much different from the old NC guide.

No, but it still helps.

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DISCLAIMER: I am only a first timer when it comes to breakups, so I don't actually have any experience with breadcrumbs.

 

Somethin I have observed, through scouring this forum is that answering breadcrumbs only seems to beget more breadcrumbs. Why? Because breadcrumbs are lazy communications that dumpers use out of curiosity in the dumpee's affairs, just to "check in". The dumper may do this out of a perceived obligation, ie, a birthday. But subconsciously they want to see if you're still around for them.

 

If you respond once, you send the signal that it is okay to send more breadcrumbs. Breadcrumbs cause anxiety for the dumpee because they don't know "what it means", and the dumpee will just try to analyze the hell out of it. The best thing you can do is just to ignore it.

 

If the breadcrumb is supposed to lead to something more, they will make it clear that you know what their intentions are.

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Marry bubbles
You can read in my profile my back story if you like.

 

I am over 5 months into NC with my ex girlfriend.

Im keeping myself busy, I have a new job,

planning holidays and trips with my friends,

going out to concerts, buying new clothes

and i am exercising and eating well.

 

I am staying strong with the NC.

 

But i admit i still think about her, alot of things remind me of her.

I hear music or see a film that i know she would like.

I wonder what she is doing.

 

Im goin to keep no contact and hope that soon

i will loose the feelings i have for her.

 

 

 

Yes, I think the things that remind you of your lost love are the hardest things of all. You cant control the kind of cars like theirs that go by, songs on the radio, places you went together...or hearing some good news and not having someone to share it with...or a joke that only you two would get. No contact, working out like crazy and finding a new hobby has got to help.

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This should be part of the Guide:

 

We get this a lot:

 

"Hey guys, I just thought I'd write my ex a letter/email, here it is - should I send it?

Our response:

 

"No.

Don't.

 

No matter what you say, justify, explain, contribute, respond to, the answer is, and always will be -

 

Don't send it."

 

Every time someone wants to send an ex a message, as a form of closure, or some way to communicate 'how they feel', this will be the constant and unchanging response.

 

Forget it. They don't want to know. All you will do is sound needy, creepy, desperate, and frankly, all you do is stroke their ego.

 

Next time I update the Guide - it's in!

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  • 2 weeks later...
FredJones80

I would just like to extend my thanks for this guide, it has been a huge help to me. I just wish I had found it as soon as a split rather than two weeks later.

 

I've been putting it in practise and have to read it daily to remind myself :D

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I would like to propose an addendum to the NC Guide for next year:

 

I have a friend who keeps telling me about what the ex is up to!

 

Tell them to stop, right now. This secondhand information is all hearsay, gossip. It does nothing for you, because it will make you wonder, and that doesn't help you move on. The only information you can trust is the complete 180 apology. (Even then you should be skeptical.) You don't care what they are doing, who they are doing, or what they think about anything. They are your ex! They are not a part of your life anymore.

 

Likewise you should do two things: you should stop asking your friend about your ex, if you are doing so. And tell your friend to stop telling your ex anything about what you are up to. Do not make any relationship with any of your friends about your ex! Make your relationship with your friend about you and your friend!

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I can't tell you how powerful this guide has been to opening my eyes on the fact that...

 

NC is about me. I was convinced that NC could get her back in the long run - but here's the trick...you'll never get them back until you lose them. You have to become someone new and probably, so do they. Think about it, there are only 4 possible outcomes:

 

1. You don't move on, they realise their mistake in time and come back to you. But you never got over the hurt, and whatever it was that got them to leave you in the first place remains...so either you devolve in to jealousy or they leave you again!

 

2. You don't move on and they never come back...whatever life it is that you lead beyond that is sad and alone. You remain tortured forever.

 

3. You move on and they come back. You're in a neutral position to decide whether the new you and the new them can make it work...and whatever your choice, it doesn't matter - because you've moved on.

 

4. You move on and they don't come back....and yeah, you probably got it - it doesn't matter anymore. Because you've moved on.

 

This right here is awesome. I have it saved to my desktop on a note just to remind me. I know it will come in handy when I do have the urge to break NC. But I'm 100% committed to keeping NC and figuring me out.

 

Thanks again. This truly is fantastic

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