First real love has ended..

[DrMambo]

This is my first time on the forums, but I've been reading a lot of threads and wanted to share my experience as well. Maybe even get some good advice.

 

She used to love going out with her friends, drinking, and having a good time. I'm not that big of a drinker, and I already knew I had some trust problems from being hurt before.

 

After we started dating she wanted to spend most of her time with me, and she knew I was uncomfortable with her going out drinking so she just stopped.

 

I started dating her 2 years ago, and 4 months into it she moved into my apartment. I didn't even ask her to, she just snuck her stuff in then never left. However, I loved having her here and we clicked perfectly. The first year of our relationship was great, we were doing a bunch of stuff together and our sex life was great as well.

 

The past few months we were in a little bit of a slump. I would go do things I wanted to do, and she would just work and hang at the house. I tried to encourage her to go out with friends, not wanting her to be lonely at the house while I was busy.

 

I got content with our relationship and wasn't showing her the most affection as I should have. She started talking about how she felt we were growing apart and just going through the motions. I should've made a huge effort to make her not feel like that, but I didn't..

 

Three weeks ago out of nowhere (it felt) she told me she needed some space to think. Instantly I felt my stomach drop. She stayed at her parents, and I made her sweet things telling her how much I loved her. Finally she decided we needed a break. I had a breakdown and told her how much I regretted not doing the things I should have and how I realized my faults and wanted to work harder to show my love to her.

 

A few days after, I apologized for my breakdown, and told her I would respect her wishes for space and leave her alone. She told me she still loves and misses me, but that she really needs this right now. She's back to going out every night and drinking hard. I've been hitting the gym a lot harder and trying to keep my mind busy.

 

I had time to reflect upon myself these past couple weeks of NC, and realize that she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

I don't want my mistakes to lose the first person I've loved and felt a connection with. I've dated a lot in the past, and have had many relationships, but this one was way different.

 

What do you think I should do going forward? I'm still not contacting her, however we do work together. She's 23 and I'm 26, and she's never been really single. So I'm hoping she just wants to have her single days, but realize that she wants to be back with me.

 

Thanks for reading this

[meowmeow1234]

I am sorry that you are going through this- it is not easy on anybody. You are doing the right thing by going "no-contact."

 

I went through something similar too- I swore I was meant to be with my ex, even in no-contact. This lasted for a few weeks until I realized that we just weren't compatible.

 

It sucks but you should get rid of the hope that she will live out her single days and come back to you. Would you really want to be with somebody who broke your heart and then decides "okay I'm ready to be with you now." I think you deserve more than that as a person. You should want to be with somebody who would never even dream of being single and having space. Don't wait for somebody who thinks they have to get something out of their system before going back. Because honestly, if people want to be with you, they'll stay. Doesn't matter the age, their prior relationship history, whatever. Be with somebody who wants to see the end with you, and never leave you.

 

It's tough, but you have to let go that she's coming back because she's not. Even if she did, and you took her back- how would you know that she wouldn't leave again. You even stated you had trust issues- I know I would have a hard time taking somebody back after they broke my heart because I wouldn't trust them.

 

Keep doing no contact, and I recommend doing something for you personally. It probably sucks because you see her where you work- and unless you can get another job I recommend staying away from her as much as you can. You will eventually come to the realization that you need to give up hope, but that is something that will come naturally to you. People can tell you it- but you need to come to the conclusion yourself, and only time, no-contact, and focusing on you can allow you to achieve that. I wish you the best of luck and hope things turn around for you soon!

[DrMambo]

Thank you meowmeow,

 

It's a weird situation. I haven't gotten any closure on our relationship, and she only told me we needed a "break" for her to find out what she wants for herself.

 

I know I could just shut down my feelings and forget about her, but I don't want to. I really love her, and really want to be with her.

 

She says that it hurts her to talk to me, and how she misses me, but that this is what she needs right now.

 

I want to give her the space she wants, even if it does break my heart. But, I don't want to throw the prospect of reconciliation out the window. Is that stupid?

 

Thanks again

[lorenq]

Honestly, this sounds almost exactly like what I am going through right now, but on the girlfriend's perspective.

And sadly enough, i think the first response you got from meowmeow was right

I was with my boyfriend for 3 years and 8 months and im now realizing that this is serious and i need to decide now if this is what i want for the rest of my life (im 20). I've never lived the single life, and ive always been restricted on doing whatever i want. The fact that i want to live freely for myself and not for my boyfriend must say a lot, and i had to tell him that if im feeling this way, it must mean im no longer in love with him. Your reaction to the break up seems exactly like his and trust me, it is not easy for us girls at all.

But no matter how much you would want to get back with her, it really doesnt change how she feels. and its better that shes not with you, rather then to be together and having her lie to you.

Yes it might seem selfish or immoral. But she left you because it wouldnt be fair to you if she stayed. I left my boyfriend yesterday because it wasnt fair to him, i was wasting his time

Im not sure if im making sense here but good luck

[meowmeow1234]

Thank you meowmeow,

 

It's a weird situation. I haven't gotten any closure on our relationship, and she only told me we needed a "break" for her to find out what she wants for herself.

 

I know I could just shut down my feelings and forget about her, but I don't want to. I really love her, and really want to be with her.

 

She says that it hurts her to talk to me, and how she misses me, but that this is what she needs right now.

 

I want to give her the space she wants, even if it does break my heart. But, I don't want to throw the prospect of reconciliation out the window. Is that stupid?

 

Thanks again

 

No it's not stupid- what your thinking and feeling is totally normal. You still love her so of course you are going to want to keep on the hope of reconciliation. I'd say it's unwise- it might cause you more harm than good. I did the same thing with my ex- I used the hope of reconciliation in attempts to help me move on (because the thought of never being with him again was unbearable), and I held on to it for weeks. But I was miserable because I kept waiting around- and getting annoyed time wasn't moving faster so I could reach reconciliation. You can hold on hope for a few weeks or even years- there is no telling when it will go away. That's the problem with hope and reconciliation- it helps you get over the initial hurt, but then it creates another problem of having to let it go (which can in some situations be awhile).

 

Time really does heal all wounds. Keep your hope of reconciliation in check as best you can- I know its impossible to make it go away, but be sure to keep it in check otherwise you could do more harm than good. I wish there was a magic formula I could give you to help, but unfortunately these situations really rely on yourself. Keep doing no-contact (if your ex contacts- I would tell her like "hey I really need my space now, I really need to not contact you for awhile (make sure its MONTHS not weeks), and honestly read blogs, google search. Don't be embarrassed. The amount of break-up quotes, blogs, advice websites I googled in the months after my breakup was basically a part of my daily internet routine (it was insane, but hey it helped). I hope this all helps you!!!

[DrMambo]

Well, I just got off work and she was there also. I didn't approach her, but she did speak to me. I was kind, and then quickly went back to doing my own thing.

 

It's so hard to focus on anything else while she is around.

 

Thank you both for your responses. I'm going to take your advice to heart and try to move on. If it's meant to be, I guess it will be. Just going to focus on myself and try to keep my life moving.

[maturityassets]

First love is always hard but it is something to overcome. Just don't blame yourself for not doing things or letting it become something. First of all.. The relationship is 50/50 and unless someone cheats or abuses the other then no one is solely to blame. You will learn from this I promise you. You will learn how to become a better you, understand why you broke down and understand what it means to be a better partner. It's sad, seems like the one person who validated your whole life and future is gone. But you validate your own life, that special other is just the compliment to it all.

 

Just don't rush the process. You will figure it out at your own pace. Best of luck!