Should I break NC to send condolences?

[hudson701]

This Sunday (mother's day) will be the anniversary of my ex's mum's death (she hung herself after a long battle with depression when the ex was only 12 years old).

 

When we were together she told me all about it and has clearly affected her growing up- she has major issues which she'll never acknowledge. She's become a hardened, ruthless and independent woman who gets on with life now, taking no prisoners. She is a workaholic but very successful in her high pressure job. She needs constant stimulation, validation and activity: there is NEVER any down time.

 

Should I send a simple "thinking of you" text on Sunday as I will be with my mum, her massive social circle of female friends will also be with their mums, so it will undoubtedly be tough for her. Been broken up 6 weeks, NC 2 weeks . Said she will definitely contact me in a month when she cools off (last time we spoke she was very angry at me).

 

Will breaking NC set me back completely? Not really as I am not expecting anything from it plus I have the cushion of 3 dates this weekend to take the edge off. Worst case scenario she's with someone already, but I still feel obliged to send it out of common decency. I'm not expecting anything in return and accept it will hinder my NC healing somewhat, but by no means will it shut me down.

 

I know everyone is going to say "don't break NC" and I'm leaning towards this but I don't like that she said she'll contact me a month down the line. Sunday will be brutal for her, that's why I'm looking to put my ego aside and be genuine with a simple message.

 

Opinions from friends and family have been mixed. Sister said it is a nice thing to do, mum said it could be taken as being insensitive, so send the day before.

I'm not sure what to do. Please advise. I'm moving on, working on myself blah blah blah all the usual stuff but unsure of this one. I want straight up brutal honesty from everyone and I will follow the advice to a Tee. I will be no back up option and certainly not a friend. She already knows this. I was dumped because she was angry because of the appalling way I treated her. She made it clear it had nothing to with loss of attraction- I just hurt her badly and she wanted out for the time being, hence her setting a timeline of 4 weeks where she said she would definitely contact me then, whether I reply is up to me. I don't like being kept on a string. She is very pretty, seeks validation and is dating already. But, so am I. She knows it, despite proclaiming she doesn't give a 'flying ****'. Clearly the fact she is so damn angry at me suggests she still cares. She is no where near indifference, that I am sure of. After all, indifference is when you truly don't care anymore.

 

How long do girls take to cool down?

[Simon Phoenix]

No. It's one thing if the mom has died recently, but this happened a while ago and it comes off as you fishing for contact. Let her grieve this on her own; if she wanted you to be involved, she'd still be with you. It's up to her to chase after you at this point -- you sending a condolence on the anniversary of a death is just you chasing.

[KaliLove]

If she wanted to be comforted by you she wouldn't have dumped you. As Simon said, you're fishing.

[Ordinaryday]

A lot of dumpees seem to get confused about what a dumping is:

 

They seem to understand that it means that THE GOOD TIMES are over with the ex, but they seem to think that whenever they hear their ex is having a hard time they have the right to contact them to comfort them.

 

when your ex dumped you she basically said she doesnt want you in her life anymore. this includes both the good times AND the bad times.

 

if she felt that she needed your support during the bad times then she wouldnt have dumped you in the first place.

[Trovador]

She doesn't care about you, she decided to cut you out of her life, why are you still thinking she expects some decency from you?

 

Putting aside the high probability that this is just a pretext to contact her, you are being invasive and at the best she will take your condolences as a futile attempt to rekindle things, to be on the "radar" if you will...

 

Most probably, she will spend that day with her new beau and she will ignore your message... hey she might not even recognize who the sender is...

 

I don't see anything good coming from this...

[Strength in Healing]

You wanna know the only time one should ever break NC?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you ever find out, let me know. Because I KNOW NONE.

 

Stop cherry picking. She doesn't want to hear from you.

[bluegreen]

You wanna know the only time one should ever break NC?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you ever find out, let me know. Because I KNOW NONE.

 

Stop cherry picking. She doesn't want to hear from you.

 

 

 

 

Yap cutie above me got it : ))) and of course I been such a morooooon to do this has fallen on her knees begging your forgiveness.

But then again naaaaaah its OK to have issues its OK to take breaks its OK to fight and argue but its not OK to dump me run around find nothing better then me and then come back.

 

 

Nope never OK

[lamis]

As you can see, a lot of the people on here are super strict about NC. I am not quite so strict. However, since it has only been a few weeks, I still agree with them that you should avoid contacting her for any reason. If it had been longer, I would say that sending her a "Thinking of you" type text on that day wouldn't be so bad. If you guys are both healthy adults she will simply reply "Thank you." and you will both move on with your lives. I imagine she would appreciate that you remember that about her and so on, but don't expect it as a window to get back with her or something.

[bluegreen]

: )))

 

We are far less strict then professionals would be.

And we speak from experience which in just about every case proved that IF'S

are very common excuses and hopes and reasons but : If they wanted us for real and for forever we would not have ended up here.

 

 

So that is story about if's ....

[hudson701]

Yip, that's confirmed what I already thought- I won't be breaking no contact. Im very good at sticking to it as I've never broken before.

 

Thanks guys.

 

 

And if she is true to her word and sends me a message in a few weeks time? I don't think I'd want to deal with that tbh... It's painful enough.

[hudson701]

So glad I posted here first, I knew I'd get no-nonsense answers which would sort my head out.

 

Is it natural to still have hope at this point? It's hindering my healing progress I can't see to get rid of it.

[David87]

Why do people always look for reasons to break NC? I just don't understand. Op i'm glad that you decided not to do that.

[notthathard]

Is it natural to still have hope at this point? It's hindering my healing progress I can't see to get rid of it.

 

 

6 weeks... pffft yes! hope will still be there for a while unless you force it out of your life sooner.

 

Let your head naturally take its time to heal, you will know when to move on and give up the hope.

[hudson701]

That's made me feel a little bette reading that. It's been around 10 days NC and it is going so slowly it's unbelievable. The breadcrumb of 'I will contact you in 4 weeks' is not helping. How should i deal with that now? It's giving me false hope.

[notthathard]

That's made me feel a little bette reading that. It's been around 10 days NC and it is going so slowly it's unbelievable. The breadcrumb of 'I will contact you in 4 weeks' is not helping. How should i deal with that now? It's giving me false hope.

 

Totally ignore it, pretend the contact is never coming. In fact she may turn around and say to herself that she is not going to contact you after 4 weeks, so better not wait.

 

Sounds like you did something you shouldn't have. She hurting just as much as you if not way more.

Let things settle, it takes a while to forget the bad to remember the good. Whether the good will override the bad... time will tell when she has gathered her thoughts.

 

Good luck man, you can only live and learn like we all do.

[hudson701]

I relapsed into depression, became needy and insecure, snapped at her and pushed her away. I take full responsibility. There was no cheating, abuse etc or anything I consider serious. Just the nature of my problem and her family history was too much so she walked. The last text message exchange was 10 days ago; it was brutal, full of anger from both sides. She apologised the next day and said she will make contact in a month. Hence the reason I'm feeling I'm being kept on a string. I look back at some of the things she said and they were definitely said in anger, some were just downright disgusting. She's never wrong and absolves herself of all responsibility.

 

But I think you're right, it's only been 10 days NC so the anger needs to subside like you said. She may feel differently in a month but I hate having this false hope.

[notthathard]

I relapsed into depression, became needy and insecure, snapped at her and pushed her away. I take full responsibility. There was no cheating, abuse etc or anything I consider serious. Just the nature of my problem and her family history was too much so she walked. The last text message exchange was 10 days ago; it was brutal, full of anger from both sides. She apologised the next day and said she will make contact in a month. Hence the reason I'm feeling I'm being kept on a string. I look back at some of the things she said and they were definitely said in anger, some were just downright disgusting. She's never wrong and absolves herself of all responsibility.

 

But I think you're right, it's only been 10 days NC so the anger needs to subside like you said. She may feel differently in a month but I hate having this false hope.

 

Oh it's not as bad as I thought.

 

I think you need to get control of your emotions. It will help with this relationship whether it works or not and any future relationships.

 

If you have some spare time read:

 

David Deida - The way of the superior man

[hudson701]

Oh it's not as bad as I thought.

 

I think you need to get control of your emotions. It will help with this relationship whether it works or not and any future relationships.

 

If you have some spare time read:

 

David Deida - The way of the superior man

 

Thanks for the advice so far- it's really appreciated. Yeah I've battled with clinical depression for a while, unfortunately she came into my life when I relapsed in January after losing my job and she ended up endured a horrible side of me. Im well on the mend now things have improved massively, but I think it's come too late. 6 weeks since I last saw her. 10 days NC. I know I was good enough for her but she got hurt badly and is very angry, hence dumping me. There's a big part of me that wants her to come back although I know I can't force it. I won't make the same mistakes again it's just whether she is willing to give me another chance to show it. Therapy is helping me sort my head out.

 

I am moving on but I know I need to let go of all hope, as it's keeping me down. It is natural to want her to make contact in the future and should I reply? Obviously I want her back but she would want to start as friends and go from there. Obviously all this is just 'what ifs?' And is not helping me in the present.

[Arieswoman]

The answer to your first question Hudson701 is "No".

 

Repeat - "No".

[hudson701]

No into replying to breadcrumbs? Unless there's an offer to meet and sort it out?

[Simon Phoenix]

No into replying to breadcrumbs? Unless there's an offer to meet and sort it out?

 

Yes, ignore breadcrumbs. If she's serious, she won't beat around the bush.

[KaliLove]

If you desperately need clarity, then tell her you can't be in contact unless she wants to discuss getting back together. Then she'll know exactly where you're at.