Recent breakup without the breakup

[vaxathrax]

As a preface - I understand the entire NC thing as far as recovering/healing, have used it before successfully. Also, sorry its so long.

 

Months into a relationship that moved pretty fast I found out that my SO had depression. There were a few warning signs but nothing became crystal clear until we actually talked about it. I found out because it seemed like she was getting sexually cold even though we were nearly attached at the hip which was concerning - was blamed on her antidepressants and she was thinking of slowly fading out off them.

 

A couple of weeks later she blew me off one night and then apologized for 'falling asleep.' I confronted her about it because a) who likes being blown off and b) she had confirmed 2 hours before that all she needed was a shower. She let me know that this particular time of year usually sucks for her due to the anniversary of a family members death which I understood sympathetically.

 

She came over a few nights later for dinner and while hooking up afterwards she abruptly had to go because of work in the morning. I thought it was pretty early and said something and we had another conversation about her depression and she was apologizing over and over and wanted to be more open/communicative, promised to keep me informed, wanted to do everything to fix what was going on (then took back the word fix and replaced it with make it better). I thought that was great because if I don't understand what shes feeling then I'm in the dark. We talked for 45 minutes after which I wrapped it up and said if we talked any longer then she would be home after she wanted to be in bed. Last words were she would get in touch 2 days later to hang out.

 

Didn't hear back 2 days later. Texted her 4 days later to see how she was and how her things had gone (she was going to call me after an appointment - sorry being vague). We went back and forth on texts and she asked me to meet up the next day (5 days after the conversation in the last paragraph) because she had an obligation that current day.

 

She blew me off again, except this time its apparently NC. She hasn't responded to the text or phone call I've made since. In any other case I'd be livid (and I was for a minute), but I'm legitimately concerned about her due to the depression. During the last conversation again she said something about trying to go off her pills and I stressed she shouldn't make any changes before seeing her doctor.

 

I guess I'm just pretty spun after having such a candid conversation about where we were at in the relationship, being open with each other, etc. I've been ghosted before, but it just seems that (at least rationally) having that last conversation was not a break-up but a discussion on how we would go forward with strict plans for how.. and that led straight to what is now one week NC (at least on her end - I'm at 5 days). We had texted everyday for months minus two or three days which makes this even more abnormal.

 

I know she needs her space. I know that I won't be able to take her back if we can't talk about it now or in the near future. I'm worried that she may have went off her meds completely trying to do something for me. I'm worried she doesn't have anyone to talk to. I like closure like they show in the movie if it was something more, but I'm just at a loss.

 

Any advice from anyone that has dated someone with depression or has depression?

[Standard-Fare]

How long exactly have you been dating? And have you seen this type of behavior (i.e. inconsistency, disappearing acts) before from her?

 

I understand your concern, and why you're not viewing this as a typical "cold fade-out."

 

I'd say try to call her, but my guess would be she won't pick up and you'd also have no assurance she'd listen to your voicemail. Texting seems too casual, and it's already failed you. That leaves with you with email.

 

In a day or two, maybe you could send something like: "Hey, I don't know exactly what's going on with you and I respect that you probably need your space right now. I'm not trying to intrude on that. I just hope you can let me know soon that you're OK -- after our last conversation, I'm a little concerned. You know I care about you."

 

You know, something not pushy or overbearing, and making no demands for the future.

 

Assuming she does reestablish some contact, at some point you could ask for a more in-depth talk with her about what's up.

[Standard-Fare]

P.S. I've suffered from depression a couple times in the past and I can relate to the behavior you're seeing from your girlfriend -- just wanting to hide from everything and be antisocial. Then as you start neglecting responsibilities and/or growing distant from people, you feel a horrible sense of guilt that you ALSO want to hide from.

 

However, I also don't think depression is an excuse to indulge in complete selfishness and completely negate your connections to other people. And I don't think you should give your girlfriend that "pass" if this continues.

 

Give her some time and space, but I do think this girl owes you some communication, even if it's just a text like "Hey, I just need to have some alone time for a while."

[vaxathrax]

How long exactly have you been dating? And have you seen this type of behavior (i.e. inconsistency, disappearing acts) before from her?

~5 months depending on how you would classify the last two weeks. No disappearing acts, and perhaps inconsistent inconsistency, but nothing really came up until recently. Nothing I would have categorized with a red flag that didn't come with a good and immediate explanation/apology.

 

I understand your concern, and why you're not viewing this as a typical "cold fade-out."

At least I'm not being totally crazy.

 

I'd say try to call her, but my guess would be she won't pick up and you'd also have no assurance she'd listen to your voicemail. Texting seems too casual, and it's already failed you. That leaves with you with email.

I tried both first a call and then a text 5 days ago, did not leave a voicemail because I was not really prepared.

 

In a day or two, maybe you could send something like: "Hey, I don't know exactly what's going on with you and I respect that you probably need your space right now. I'm not trying to intrude on that. I just hope you can let me know soon that you're OK -- after our last conversation, I'm a little concerned. You know I care about you."

Seems like email is just as impersonal as text. I don't even know anymore. But, decent sample thanks.

[vaxathrax]

Give her some time and space, but I do think this girl owes you some communication, even if it's just a text like "Hey, I just need to have some alone time for a while."

Yes. Thanks again for your reply.

[Standard-Fare]

Five months = she definitely owes you communication at some point, depression or not. And you have a right to be pissed if you don't get it, and you have a right to try to find some closure.

 

However, for right now, best to hang back for a bit and at most do a mild check-in a couple days.

[vaxathrax]

Well I sent a short little check-in and nothing. I haven't heard from her in almost three weeks which is upsetting, but whatever. Just posting here because I found something in my room of hers last night. I know I should just throw it out, but of course first reaction is to use it as a way to try to contact her again when things obviously aren't going to work.

 

Not that theres anything I can do about it, but I hate that people think this type of behavior is acceptable. What happened to honesty/communication? Now I have to feel like an ******* and go out of my way to avoid someone due to their problem/disrespect?

 

Ugh.

[somegoodman]

Don't be so quick to buy her "depression" BS. Odds are she's running around with another guy/guys.

 

True story: My ex had an abortion (of mine) 3 months ago. Shortly after she acted very similar to your gf. Pushed me away. Shut me out. I figured, ok she's going through a hard time, I'll just have to be patient.

 

Then I remembered she has a Twitter account. Checked it out and lo and behold she's been going out to raves and partying with guys and posting status about how happy she is.

 

Nothing is as it seems. If she really was depressed she would want to be with you for support. Her "depression" is just a smokescreen.

 

In other words, don't trust her and don't forgive her if she comes back to you.

[vaxathrax]

I've had similar thoughts over the past week during my really excellent internal monologue/screaming match - I won the debate with flawless points. I won't lie and say I'm over it, but I've been treated like **** by too many women in my three decades on this planet to take her back.

 

At the same time I can be sympathetic since I've been depressed and didn't want to be around *anyone*. I'd just figure if someone felt that way they would let the person they knew cared about them in on it, or want to talk about it if they are paying a stranger to talk about it.