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I love my ex, but I don't want a relationship with him, but I don't want to lose him


TheAlternatePolly

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TheAlternatePolly

A few years ago I met this guy - super nice, super cute, super funny and we just got on so well. We met over the internet on Chatroulette. I asked him to add me on Facebook and he did. For the first few months, we didn't really talk that much, but then suddenly we started talking all the time. I was still at school (so was he), and he was just a really great guy. I was nervous about entering a relationship, especially considering: It was gonna be Long Distance for the foreseeable future, he was already dating somebody when I met him, and I'd never been in a relationship before. He then broke up with his ex for me.

 

We didn't become bf/gf immediately, actually I was the first one to say I love you. Admittedly I was drunk at a party when I said it and I came home and talked to him like I did every night, and I got really upset when he didn't immediately say it back, but he told me that since it was my first relationship, he didn't want to say it if he didn't mean it or if he'd later have to take it back. A short while later, he said it. The next 2 years flew by. We talked all the time, and we talked about everything - and it was great, it really was, we talked about love and the future and everything like couples do, and even though we were far away, there was never any doubt in my mind that he was the one.

 

But at another party, I cheated on him. I made out with my friend who always had chemistry with me (although now we never even talk anymore, he got all freaked out and stopped talking to me - the friend, not my then bf). It was a mistake, I swear it! And I was so fortunate that he was so forgiving and understanding. I'm not too sure I even deserved that... After that though, things started to fall apart over the next few months. We always wanted to talk to each other, but we never had anything new to say to each other, but we'd still always get really annoyed when the other one of us didn't talk. Sometimes we'd sit on Skype and just do normal stuff like watch tv just so we felt like the other person was there. But we'd lost that spark, we lost the excitement of learning about another person and falling in love. Suddenly it was more like he was my brother than my bf.

 

I still loved him sooo much, and I'm really attracted to him... There was just something missing. I don't know if that's me being silly or what. A few months later I broke up with him. We got in a silly fight because he got upset that I wanted to go get food at the mall with my friends and he wanted to spend time with me, and ergh... his neediness just annoyed me too much and I broke up with him, but I left the door open to a relationship in the future when we'd both worked on ourselves. We decided to stay friends, and we still talked every single day, almost all the time at the start.

 

Then we decided to go on a date (after breaking up). But I started getting nervous about it, I didn't want it to be him thinking we were getting back together, because I wasn't ready for it. He was so sweet though, he took me all these great places and bought me a few small gifts and he tried to hold hands with me but I felt awkward and pulled away and he thought it's because I don't love him, and I know he was kinda disappointed when I didn't kiss him when we had to say goodbye (we live totally across Europe from each other normally, so it was a special occasion).

 

But I just didn't feel that way towards him that day. I'd actually started getting close to this other guy, a friend of mine who lives only 1 city away. But my ex still talked to me every day, and I loved his company. I was gonna start dating him, but he ended up blowing me off to go hang with his friends, so I got upset and stupid and ended up losing my virginity to a friend 10 years older than myself when I really wanted to lose it to my ex because I still loved him that way in some respects, I just didn't want to start dating him... I got drunk and basically friendzoned my ex.

 

I told him all about me and the guy I had sex with, because we were really close friends and we told each other everything, even the bad stuff. Then he started getting really upset because he wanted me to have that moment with him and then he started getting all needy and annoying and stuff so we stopped talking for a while (about a week). When we started talking again, he'd started dating some girl with a baby. I was jealous though, he was supposed to love me, and I know I did stupid things, but that didn't mean I stopped loving him.

 

So then I started sleeping with my older friend again, I wanted a relationship with him, but he just wanted to sleep with me so... yeah... that didn't work out well for me. My ex was seeing this girl with a baby on and off for the next few months, and even though we spoke every day and always managed to talk about something, and we still told each other we loved each other and that one day we would get back together, it wasn't the same, we'd drifted apart and it was just awkward. In December 2013 though, things started getting better for us - the relationship with the girl with the baby ended, and me and him started talking really sweet like we used to when we were together. It was really nice and fun and he's such a nice guy and I know he loves me, and I love him too. We were essentially bf/gf but without the label. We'd even spoken about moving in together, and if we had I'd have moved in with him. But he just gets so petty and jealous about every guy friend I have, and it's getting really annoying.

 

He tells me about every girl he sleeps with, and yeah, I slept with a couple of guys since we broke up but it was purely physical and I really love my ex. Or at least I did until a few weeks ago when I met this new guy. He's like my ex was right at the start, and only now with this new guy I get to learn everything new about him. It's all the fun and excitement of being with somebody new, and it's made me realise I'm too young to be tied down to just one guy for the rest of my life. I'm only 18 (my ex is 22). My ex isn't seeing anyone now, but I'm seeing this new guy. I know it's not got a future because I still wanna leave this city and move and I'd even move in with my ex because I still love him, but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him because I'm just not ready for one for the rest of my life.

 

Anyway, since I've started seeing this new guy, me and my ex don't talk at all. He won't message me at all, and I've sent him texts, I've sent pics, I've called, I've tried Skyping, and just because I'm not ready for a lifelong commitment to this guy doesn't mean I want to lose him from my life forever! But as far as my ex sees it, either I'm his girlfriend or I'm his nothing. I feel ashamed to say the guy I'm seeing now helps me cope with losing my ex, and my ex seemed really upset when I told him I'd never date him because I'm not ready and I hate that I've hurt him so much, and I don't know what to do

 

I love my ex with all my heart. I want him in my life, but I don't want him to be my bf right now, and if he's like this - ever. I don't like the unfreedomness of relationship and I still want to explore and even if it sounds childish, that's just what I want to do. But at the same time I really don't want to lose my ex, he's my best friend and I love him. Love love him, even though I've said some hurtful things to him a few nights ago when he was being all judgemental.

 

How do I get him back into my life without leading him on believing there will be a relationship when I really don't feel like one with him now? Should I just forget about him and continue with the new guy I'm seeing - he's a really great guy and maybe one day I could love him, he's hot and funny and some of the things we do together are amazing.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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OMG I read the whole thing before moderator made paragraphs!

 

OP: Let go of your ex. Yes you love him but it's more about him being familiar and safe. You're only 18, you need to experience life, have fun, continue your education, have fun, graduate, have fun, become a young independent woman, have fun, start a career and.... have fun!

 

Life is a series of hellos and good byes. This is one of your first good byes. He was in your life for a time and you've gained having him by you during that time but now is time to let go. Now he's weighing you down, maybe later in life you will be able to reconnect when you have both matured

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You don't. You leave him alone and let him get over you, because he's clearly not. Trying to keep him in your life is just mean.

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My only response to this thread was going to be: grow up.

 

But then I saw that you're 18.

 

So, whatever. It's about time you realize in order to have the things about your ex that you love, you can't be with and sleep with other people. How insensitive and cruel and selfish you've been. For crying out loud, read the title of your thread. Seriously?

 

Really though...

 

Grow up. You don't get to do this to people. I'm happy your ex is finally taking a stand and not speaking to you. Hopefully this is a lesson learned.

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Simon Phoenix

Yeah, you seem pretty selfish and immature, which makes sense because you are only 18. Life is about decisions -- you make a decision, you live with the consequences. If you don't want to be in a relationship with your ex, you need to let him go. That is the consequence of your decision. But the way you are acting right now is selfish, cruel and entitled. If you truly care about your ex, let him go. Stop trying to have your cake and eat it too. But yeah, you come off as a really awful, selfish person with your story. I'm hoping that's just because you are young and stupid and you'll grow out of it and not because that's your permanent character.

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TheAlternatePolly

But what if he was the best I could get? He was a great guy! My new guy is just so appealing to me because it's all new and exciting, but he's just not my ex and I know it will end up going the same way as with my ex and then I'll have neither of them. I feel like I need this phase of my life before settling down with one guy. I'm nervous about making such a big commitment when I'm this young. My ex knows this though, and he accepted it, which is why we both started seeing other people, but after we reconnected over the past few months he automatically assumed I wanted a relationship with him again. It may have been something to do with me telling him I thought of him like a bf in January. It would be different if he was here, but he's long distance.

 

I know I'm just a silly teen who wants it all, and by posting the truth here I opened myself up to some criticism, but I really miss him, he's always been there for me and now all of a sudden it's like I'm dead to him.

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Pollywallydoodle,

IMO you need to either tinkle or get off the potty.

 

Do you want a grown-up relationship or do you just want to mess about?

 

If you want the former you need to realise that people aren't just disposable commodities that can be picked up and dropped just on your whims.

 

If you want the latter then don't come on here moaning because no-one wants to date you and you "user" mindset.

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Please tell us that you're trolling, because I can't believe that people can be this selfish. Do you ever think about what he wants or what makes him happy?

 

I wish I could tell you to grow up, but to be honest, you just sound like a very selfish person and I doubt that it will go away with age.

 

Leave this poor guy alone. If you really love him, the most important thing should be to make him happy. And trying to keep him as a friend is torture. You made a choice, now you have to live with it. And yes, you might realise one day that he was the best catch you ever got. Many of us do.

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TheAlternatePolly

I don't understand.

 

Just because I don't want a lifelong committed relationship with my ex right now means I can't even be his friend anymore?

 

I know what he wants, he wants me all to himself, but I'm just not there - he's long distance and I'm seeing someone else. A relationship just isn't feasible right now.

 

I want to make him happy, and we were happy when we were both seeing other people, but now it's just me seeing someone else and he's alone.

 

When we broke up, he told me he understood why, and that he wanted me to be able to experience other relationships so that when I did come back to him I'd have done all the childish stuff and be able to have a committed relationship with him, and the guy I'm seeing now knows it's not going to turn into something serious (one of the reasons he decided to start seeing me). That seemed fair to me, and I was always going to go back to him. It hasn't even been a year since we broke up. But now he just wants me back either now or never.

 

I just want things to go back to how they were, I'll do whatever it takes! I love him and I want him in my life

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Your ex is doing the right thing by leaving you alone and moving on with his life. You want to keep him in a box while you have sex with meaningless people. Your ex values himself more than that and I don't blame him. What's confusing is you say you don't want a relationship but are in one now. WTF?! I will tell you that guys get turned off when they know you have been sleeping around. Your ex may not view you as he once did. Leave the guy alone.

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TheAlternatePolly
Your ex is doing the right thing by leaving you alone and moving on with his life. You want to keep him in a box while you have sex with meaningless people. Your ex values himself more than that and I don't blame him. What's confusing is you say you don't want a relationship but are in one now. WTF?! I will tell you that guys get turned off when they know you have been sleeping around. Your ex may not view you as he once did. Leave the guy alone.

 

I'm in one now because the guy is in my hometown! My ex is in another country!!!

And I'm not having sex with everyone, I've had 3 full sexual partners.

My ex accepted that about me, and he loved me anyway.

 

I just want to know why we can't still be friends and have the door open to the possibility of a relationship somewhere down the line

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You can't be friends because he doesn't want you as a friend. I agree, you are too young to be in a really committed relationship and it's fine that you're out and about testing the waters..but it's really selfish to want to keep him in your life when you know it's hurting him.

 

You are basically saying that you don't care about his feelings. That you don't care if it hurts him to be in your life because YOU want what YOU want and that's all that matters. You are causing him pain. Leave him alone..you can't have it all.

 

Me me me, screw everyone else. That's not how life works. You have to think about how your actions affect other people. This is a lesson you need to learn quickly.

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AliasMobius

First reply to this place, and all I want to say is, you need some SERIOUS growing up to do. Glad he's doing what he's doing, you deserve it and I won't sugar coat it for you. Your logic is waning and horrible in reference to just even talking about your virginity, claiming that it was meant for him but was given up to an older random dude. The rest of your examples are even more iffy. Maybe it's your tender age, but you sound more confused than anything.

 

I really am not here to put you down, but really, the crap you're pulling off is the worst thing you can do to a person.

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I'm in one now because the guy is in my hometown! My ex is in another country!!!

And I'm not having sex with everyone, I've had 3 full sexual partners.

My ex accepted that about me, and he loved me anyway.

 

I just want to know why we can't still be friends and have the door open to the possibility of a relationship somewhere down the line

 

You're asking a question that's been answered several times in this thread already.

 

He doesn't want to nor is he obligated to.

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I'm in one now because the guy is in my hometown! My ex is in another country!!!

And I'm not having sex with everyone, I've had 3 full sexual partners.

My ex accepted that about me, and he loved me anyway.

 

I just want to know why we can't still be friends and have the door open to the possibility of a relationship somewhere down the line

 

Well, apparently he had a change of heart, didn't he. You can't be friends because he doesn't want you as a friend. Move on.

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TheAlternatePolly

He messaged me randomly this evening on whatsapp commenting on my profile pic change saying "I always liked that pic :)" and when I said "Thanks :)" he said "I miss you". I miss him too, but if you're all correct, maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to tell him that because I don't want to end up disappointing him.

 

I thought you guys said he didn't want to be my friend?? Is he testing the water? Is he trying to get a response from me? What does it mean? And most importantly, should I respond?

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Never Again
He messaged me randomly this evening on whatsapp commenting on my profile pic change saying "I always liked that pic :)" and when I said "Thanks :)" he said "I miss you". I miss him too, but if you're all correct, maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to tell him that because I don't want to end up disappointing him.

 

I thought you guys said he didn't want to be my friend?? Is he testing the water? Is he trying to get a response from me? What does it mean? And most importantly, should I respond?

 

We can't read his mind.

 

We're all operating only on what you told us. Also, he doesn't want to be just your friend, guaranteed. He wants to be with you.

 

You were the dumper, so you can respond to him if you like...you even have the luxury of telling him that NC would be best so that he could move on. Personally, I'd keep quiet if I were you. He'll be hurt, but it'll let him leave you in his past instead of still wanting you.

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ThorntonMelon

He wants you to tell him you miss him too, in a romantic sense.

 

He does not want to be your friend, except that he thinks being your friend will lead you to your senses and be back with him.

 

To be fair he's coming off needy here and you don't have to play along, but you're going to string him along if you keep talking to him.

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Simon Phoenix
He messaged me randomly this evening on whatsapp commenting on my profile pic change saying "I always liked that pic :)" and when I said "Thanks :)" he said "I miss you". I miss him too, but if you're all correct, maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to tell him that because I don't want to end up disappointing him.

 

I thought you guys said he didn't want to be my friend?? Is he testing the water? Is he trying to get a response from me? What does it mean? And most importantly, should I respond?

 

He wants you back. You keep teasing him and being selfish, so he's trying to parlay that into something that you refuse to give him. So leave him alone completely and stop confusing him.

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I agree with the others. He wants to get back together and you're teasing him. You need to tell him you don't want him back and then block him.

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TheAlternatePolly

But I do want him back

 

I just don't want him back in a long-distance relationship. Everything would go straight back to the way it was when we were bf/gf. We would want to talk all the time but have nothing to talk about, get annoyed when the other one goes out partying instead of spending time with each other, and things would fall apart again. I used to get jealous about his female friends and vice versa.

 

We talked about living together before I started seeing someone new, and if that was possible there would be nothing stopping me from getting on a plane and being there. But that's just not possible right now, and won't be for at least another year, by which point he'll be seeing someone else and gone forever. When I was mad when he was judging me a week or so ago, I told him that we would only ever be friends which is why he went silent on me and wouldn't respond to anything.

 

I want him and could see myself spending my life with him. But not at this moment, and not whilst he's so needy. I just need a little more freedom before I commit, so what I want is to be his friend until we could be together and then take it from there. I know I can't keep playing the "I'm 18 and I don't know any better" card, but I don't want to lose him forever because I know it would haunt me for the rest of my life.

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Simon Phoenix
But I do want him back

 

I just don't want him back in a long-distance relationship. Everything would go straight back to the way it was when we were bf/gf. We would want to talk all the time but have nothing to talk about, get annoyed when the other one goes out partying instead of spending time with each other, and things would fall apart again. I used to get jealous about his female friends and vice versa.

 

We talked about living together before I started seeing someone new, and if that was possible there would be nothing stopping me from getting on a plane and being there. But that's just not possible right now, and won't be for at least another year, by which point he'll be seeing someone else and gone forever. When I was mad when he was judging me a week or so ago, I told him that we would only ever be friends which is why he went silent on me and wouldn't respond to anything.

 

I want him and could see myself spending my life with him. But not at this moment, and not whilst he's so needy. I just need a little more freedom before I commit, so what I want is to be his friend until we could be together and then take it from there. I know I can't keep playing the "I'm 18 and I don't know any better" card, but I don't want to lose him forever because I know it would haunt me for the rest of my life.

 

All I read is me, I, me, I. Selfish, selfish, selfish. Either you want him now or you have to let him go completely. That's all, that's it. Stop being an immature brat and trying to have everything. Being an adult is about making a decision and living with the consequences. If you want him, you have to have him and only him. If you don't (which is fine), you have to let him go completely and stop playing these stupid games you are playing. Trying to have it all makes you look like an extreme douchebag.

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