He asked me out to lunch & never called. Send him an email & tell him he's a jerk??

[nikkicam71]

Okay guys, here's the deal...most of you know my ex dumped me three months ago for no good reason. He kept calling for two months, before I asked him to leave me alone, so that I could get over it. After a month, I felt pretty good, so I called to see how he was, just to say hi. He asked if we could have lunch the next week, I said sure...he said he'd call to set the date. He never called.

 

Three weeks later...I'm on the phone w/ his sis (we are still friends). he walks into the room and realizes she's talking to me. He tells his LITTLE sister to apologize to me, and to ask me how school is. That sent me thru the roof! Are you kidding me??? he couldn't pick up the phone and tell me he was busy?? Has it really come to that?

 

Anyway, I've been pissed off for three days now. So I wrote this letter. I haven't sent it, just want to know what you guys think. I kinda already have an idea of what you all might say, but here it is anyway....

 

I wasn't going to write this, but really, why not?? You continue to amaze me; the more I learn about you from your actions and behavior, the more I realize that I never really knew you at all.

 

The other day, while I was talking to your sister, you came into the room. When you realized who she was talking to, you asked her to apologize to me for being too busy to pick up a phone. Then you asked her to ask me how school was. You spoke through your little sister. Are you freaking kidding me???

 

I realize that you are busy. I am busy as well. I have a son, I was working full-time, and I was preparing for law school. I wasn't too busy to pick up the phone and ask you how you were doing. Don't get me wrong, until you did what you did ("apologizing" thru Eleni), I didn't really care much that you didn't call to have lunch. I didn't call you up and ask you to hang out. If we went out to lunch, that was cool, if we didn't, that was cool too. I was mildly annoyed that you didn't have the common consideration to call me and tell me that you were too busy...especially since I'm a fairly understanding kind of girl. More importantly, because I myself was trying to figure out how I was going to fit it into my schedule, the week before school started. But honestly, I didn't give it too much thought. I've given enough of my time and energy thinking about you...I decided some time ago that it simply isn't worth it. You've clearly become fairly self-absorbed. I accepted that three months ago, when you broke up with me because it was more convenient for you not to have a girlfriend.

 

In any case, I suppose I didn't think about it, because you had disappointed me. In truth, I suppose I was hurt. I know now that I was, I just didn't want to admit it to myself, so I ignored the fact that your lack of consideration was indicative of the fact that we never really were friends. More specifically, you were never really my friend. I just thought you were. Friends don't treat one another in such a cavalier manner. At least, I don't treat my friends that way, and I wouldn't expect that they would treat me that way either.

 

I've given all I can give in this situation. I've tried my best to work through the hurt and confusion that you caused both during our relationship and after. I tried to hold onto the good that I saw in you, and I wanted to maintain some sort of communication with you, because at one point I really thought you were my very best friend. I give up. Relationships, whether they are friendship or more, are based on mutual respect and effort. You have no respect for me, and you make no effort. I can only assume that you do not value me enough as a person to want to keep me in your life. At this point, I assume that you tried to maintain contant and remain "friends" after our breakup out of a sense of guilt. That is no longer necessary.

 

If you decide that you want to be a part of my life, you are going to have to try and make some effort to be a decent friend. That doesn't mean jumping thru hoops and twisting flips, but it does mean that you have to think about someone other than yourself. I realize that you can't commit to much more than what it is that you want, specifically, at that moment in time, but maybe someday you will be mature enough to realize that you've alienated a valuable person. I never thought that I would ever see the day that I was truly disappointed with who you are. It's disconcerting to realize that I fell in love with someone that I never even knew.

 

------------------------------- so that's it. let me know what you think. thanks! ~N

[DerangedAngel]

He asked me out to lunch & never called. Send him an email & tell him he's a jerk??

 

Nope. Don't do a damn thing.

 

He was inconsiderate, rude, whatever you want to call it. I agree.

 

Sending him the letter will only do more harm than good, I would imagine. Just let it go. He was being a jerk, but don't be one back. It isn't necessary, and he really doesn't deserve to hear from you.

 

On a side note: I think it was good for you to write the e-mail. Write all of them that you want. Get it all out. But don't send him anything.

 

Cheers.

 

-Deranged

[pixie2004]

I think it is a damn good letter and well said, but I agree with DerangedAngel that you should not send him the letter. He won't appreciate that.

 

Give him credit, at least he did think of you and he did ask his sister to give you a message. He could have walked away and not say anything!

 

I think you should just act as if you don't care!

 

And you should not care!

 

You knew that everyone was going to say that you are not supposed to send the letter, and you knew that you don't really want to send the letter that is why you asked for help and did not send the letter in the first place. Go with your instinct!

 

 

If you do change the letter and take out all the hatred (not that there is much left then) - yeah then you can send the letter.

[sami]

I always prefer a nice and friendly ( face to face) conversation to e-mailing and sending letters.

[She's Come Undone]

Better to leave 'em wondering what you're thinking, than to give them the pleasure of knowing they got to you, and you're still thinking of them. It's good you got it out, but keep that letter for yourself. Reflect back on it when you're feeling better, and know how much better you are without this jerk. And if he dares call again...be prepared to tell him you haven't got time to talk and good day.

 

I SAID GOOD DAY! (I LOVE That 70's Show!!!!)

 

does too!

[Leikela]

The letter was a great way to vent your feelings. It's one of those letters that you write but never really send. The obvious issue here isn't him not calling you for lunch. That was just the catalyst to get your emotions rolling. He'll think you're a little "off your rocker" if he doesn't call you for lunch and then you write him this long letter expressing your discontent. Look at it from his point of view.

 

Also, recognize that the issue here isn't him not calling you. You're bitter towards him for the break up. You don't seem to understand it and are hurt. You expected more from him and were let down. Just move on and forget about him.

[faux]

I think you're making this into a huge issue when it is, in fact, nothing at all to bug out over. He is your ex. You phoned him after a long while, and he asked you to go hang out with him for lunch. No doubt he has other things going on in his life than to sit around and worry over you, and he forgot. He did apologize through his sister, and most likely asked if his sister would do so as not to completely, and rudely, interrupt the telephone conversation the both of you were having.

 

You know, you COULD have called HIM and asked what was going on.

 

As for the letter, to me it sounds a little obsessive. One does not normally, I think, get so worked up over a friendship that has not even truly begun.

[tiki]

He does not dignify a response. Don't go on telling him what he did and how great you are. If he's got a memory, he knows what he did. If you're that decent of a gal, he knows that too. No need for reminders. Words from a favorite song: Let it go, let it go, let it go! Good luck. Find a man that's WORTH your time.

[nikkicam71]

Hey guys...I want to thank all of you for listening to me vent, and I want to especially thank those of you who were helpful and not critical. Of course I didn't send the letter, I was just heated at that moment, REALLY pissed at how immature he is...truth is, until he did what he did by asking his seventeen-year-old sister to apologize for him, I really hadn't given it much thought, I was far too busy getting ready for law school. Anyway, what's done is done, I was just really angry about how inconsiderate he's become, especially in light of how supportive I was in our friendship, even after our breakup.

 

Speaking of friendship, for the individual who said that I'd become obsessive about a friendship that hadn't even begun, I think you presume a little much. Since you don't know what our friendship was like before, during or after our relationship, you really can't make generic value judgments. It's cool that you think what you like, but last I checked, this was supposed to be a support forum. That's why I came here instead of sending the email. I'm entitled to be angry, there are alot of mitigating circumstances, and alot of exceptional situations in which my friendship went above and beyond the call of duty for this individual...ex-boyfriend or not. His lack of consideration was ridiculous. Further, I ignored his inconsiderate behavior until he made it worse by asking someone else to apologize for him. Could I have called him to find out what was up? Sure...but you know what, why should I have to? I've honestly done enough for this person; the least he could have done was pick up a phone. That's not called obsessive or unreasonable...it's called self-respect.

 

Once again, for the rest of the forum, thanks for being there and thanks for listening! The letter was therapeutic, and I'm feeling much better. You all are great!

 

~N