Responded to my Ex's attempts to contact me - BIG MISTAKE - don't do it!

[Hoosfoos]

I am writing this in attempt to save anyone else from making the same mistakes as me. I am utterly ashamed of my lack of discipline and the only good that can come out of this is that I can help others by not repeating the mistakes i have made. My biggest problem is that I care too much what my ex thinks of me.

 

I am also not interested in anyone overly criticizing me for my mistakes and bad judgment. I already feel bad enough as it is. I am writing this thread to help others. Go easy on me.

 

My exgf dumped me late November. I was crushed. We were having problems, but I wanted to work on the relationship but she didn't feel the same way. Besides arranging to have some of her stuff returned to her, and congratulating her for her Masters' convocation i pretty much went NC. She reached out again at Christmas with guilt assuaging breadcrumbs to which I gave a completely neutral response.

 

I decided at that point that I was going to challenge myself from Christmas day to go hardcore NC. No calls, no texts, no FB stalking, nothing. I wanted to see what 2 months would do in terms of my healing. It was pure hell, but I stuck to it. I made minor improvements, but not much. But I was almost ready to give myself a pat on the back for my efforts.

 

Entirely by coincidence, last week, she called me on the two month mark to the day. I was driving in my car and did not pick up. I checked the voicemail she left - "Hi (Pet name), just calling to see how you're doing, it's been a long time...(laughs), give me a call, bye."

 

I did not call her back but instead texted her back, "Missed your call. Still need time and space. But I wish you well. Take Care." I hope that would be enough for her to leave me alone, and I was being polite and respectful.

 

She texts me back, "Hope things are going well for you too! I heard there was an incident with your car and a tree! Bummer! Hope you get a better car! :)"

 

(A tree fell on my car last Monday and somehow she found out).

 

I ignored this text.

 

The next day, another text: "Hope things are going well for you Axxx! :)"

 

This was the point where I should have continued to ignore. Instead I responded with, "Hope things are going well for you too. Please respect my wishes for time and space. That includes texts. Keep well!" My response was my attempt to be the "good guy" by not ignoring her.

 

That did not sit well with her. She fires back, "Whoa, don't text to me in that tone. If you don't want me to text you anymore, fine. No more texting. Goodbye."

 

At this point I found it impossible to not engage further. I reply, 'I don't need any drama, we should talk to clear things up."

 

Her, "Then don't tell me what I can and cannot do."

 

She calls and we talk for about half an hour. I explain to her due to the dynamic of the breakup that there is an emotional imbalance - with her being the dumper and me being the dumpee and that my request for time and space is what I need to heal and find myself. She tells me that I'm not really lost and that I "sound fine". I told her I'm having a tough time dealing with the breakup. I told her what I missed as a couple. She said she did too and it was a difficult decision to make.

 

She also told me she had one foot out the door the whole time (2 years) we were together. She reaffirmed the inventory of why we're not a good fit, yet she still "loves and cares about me." I called her on her sh it, which she didn't really deny. Generally when I spoke to her on the phone i was calm. I made her laugh a couple of times. In general I was far too generous with her with my sentiments. We ended the call amicably (well as amicably as possible under the circumstances).

 

This is what I didn't do:

 

I didn't say I still loved her

I didn't say I wanted her back

I didn't reveal the extent of how badly I was dealing with the breakup

(Thank god I wasn't completely pathetic)

 

Anyway, after the call ended I realized that I made a bunch of mistakes. She was fishing for me to accept contact, I resisted, resisted, and then bit. Then a whole can of worms was opened. The floodgates opened.

 

She is aggressive and she will probably try to contact me again. She believes she has the right to have contact with me and that I'm not really feeling as as bad as she thinks. I will not initiate any contact with her. I will have to be much stronger if she tries again, but I doubt my resolve now.

 

This whole experience has left me feeling ashamed, weak, and that I have been brought right back to square 1.

 

For any dumpees who have had their exes attempt to contact you, don't engage. Let this be a lesson to you.

 

Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it! It will only bring on more pain and frustration. Take it from someone who's been there and is now paying the price.

[VeronicaRoss]

You didn't do what you ultimately hoped of yourself but really I think you did amazingly well. I don't think I could have done it.

 

Don't be so tough on yourself, you're showing signs of progress and that's the important thing. You didn't grovel or humiliate yourself, and if you had been gruff or attacked her you'd feel bad for other reasons. If you goofed, it was on the side that you'll be able to live better with much longer.

 

You have more clarity about who she is and what the relationship was. This might help enormously in the months to come.

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

She sounds like a self-absorbed t-w-a-t.

 

Hugs to you!!~!!

[LostConfused123]

I'm really sorry you're feeling so horrible. I'm sure your emotions are all over the place.

 

BUT, LISTEN TO ME!!! I wouldn't lie to you. . . . as an outsider looking in, I can be somewhat objective from the little I know but I think you handled it really well.

 

Of course the contact should have stopped after the first text but you're only human!!!

From what you said, you came across as calm, in control and genuinely putting all your efforts into moving forward.

 

I know you didn't post to get advice and just wanted to share the dangers of breaking NC and I'm sure many will be heed your advice and be grateful but PLEASE give yourself a break!!!

 

She kinda came across as a little silly and nutty (just from what you said)

You weren't begging her back or giving any indication you're still pining for her. It sounded like you meant business and wanted to make that clear.

 

Of course it would have been better to stay hardcore NC but we've all broken it. It's absolutely crazy difficult to adhere to 100 percent. Don't be too hard on yourself.

No one is perfect and you're no exception. It just sucks you feel bad and it probably set you back some but something tells me you'll get right back to the fight and come out stronger on the other side.

 

Take care!!! ((hugs!!))

[LostConfused123]

She sounds like a self-absorbed t-w-a-t.

 

Hugs to you!!~!!

LOL!!! That's exactly what I was thinking reading this post but didn't know if I should say it.

 

Thanks Big girl for saying what I didn't have the "nuts" (I'm a girl) to say.

 

I'm so lucky I never got a bread crumb because I seriously don't think I would have handled it near as well as he did.

[reknown29]

Its been a while since I have been on the this board so Im not sure what is going around here anymore. I recall it being ok to return contact as long as you are not the one initiating it. Two months is a safe zone IMO. Your emotions should be subsided enough to talk things out. When is the last time you talked with her face to face?

 

Again, I dont know what sort of good advice, or crap advice is going around these days. Truth is there is no right way to do things. The only hard rule IMO is that you should have no contact for at least two weeks in the beginning. There is just too much shock at that point. 2 months should be enough time as your emotions are now at a much more sober level. If not, you need to not put so much of your self and happiness on another person. That's a different forum.

 

Good luck! Dont get to caught up on this person, it sounds like she is dealing with her own issues that only she can solve. Find someone good for you at this point in your life.

Edited March 1, 2014 by reknown29

[Simon Phoenix]

Meh, you made a mistake. No harm done. Just get back on the horse and trudge forward with NC. It wasn't great that you broke it, but you could have acted a lot worse than you did. Now you know that she's selfish and doesn't give a sh*t about your healing, because she basically told you as such. That should give you the energy to resist next time.

[CaliGypsy]

Shame on her for not respecting your wishes.

 

No one has the right to tell you how you're doing or feeling either. I know I can be a complete mess on the inside..but when I get to work... No one has any idea.

[lolablue17]

You are too hard with your self.

 

If you kept NC it was fine.

But also this small contact is also fine. you proved yourself that you can talk to her and make a good healthy impression.

EVERYTHING IS FINE!!

 

Just next time if she calls and you happen to reply, never tell any information about yourself. nothing about your feelings, your healing. NOTHING! just finish the Conversation and tell her you are in a hurry, or busy, or that you are just not interested. She just not so interesting for you. and that all. expose nothing.

[eachcomingnight]

I think it's worth noting that not only is she selfish, her "offense" at your comment was just a part of this whole power grab.

 

You were in charge of the situation when you were NC, and I'm sure she didn't like that feeling. As soon as she had the chance, she took that control back from you by getting upset and saying she was done texting you.

 

Take your power back!

[cavalier99]

Youll be be fine...just a few month set back.

 

NEVER break NC until 100 percent healed...if then. They dont exist remeber??? Cav

[4everalones]

I think you handled the situation amazingly well, and I think that it's mature of you to take the time to explain why you need space and distance from her. I have tried to do the same last time I met my ex, and he was so cold and distant that I ended up coming across as needy/clingy. Don't beat yourself up, some of us are admiring that you lasted 2 months is stick NC and that you handled contact with your ex very well.

 

Still, lesson learned, never ever break NC unless they tell you explicitly that they want to work things out, and both parties are ready to work on the relationship.

[shakenbake9]

OH man!! I fully sympathize with you! Once you give them any sort of response--they will bite and know they are able to engage in conversation. Trust me, it has been a YEAR after my break up and my ex STILL continues to contact. I had to block facebook, phone, text, everything. At one point, he fb messaged me, texted, emailed, and left a voicemail that he wanted to "talk." I caved in after about 3 weeks and had what I thought was an adult conversation--felt like there was FINALLY some closure and I felt great.....but then he continued to keep texting the next days after. Then was getting ******* texts by my no responses. You can't please the person who did the heart-breaking. Just no contact always!

[BC1980]

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure my ex will try to contact me again at some point. I'm sorry this happened, but know that your story helps others. I promise it does because it helps me to see exactly what I know will happen if I respond to my ex.

 

She was cold in saying that she had one foot out the door for 2 years. I think that speaks more to her character than anything you did. What a cold-hearted biotch.

[BC1980]

OH man!! I fully sympathize with you! Once you give them any sort of response--they will bite and know they are able to engage in conversation. Trust me, it has been a YEAR after my break up and my ex STILL continues to contact. I had to block facebook, phone, text, everything. At one point, he fb messaged me, texted, emailed, and left a voicemail that he wanted to "talk." I caved in after about 3 weeks and had what I thought was an adult conversation--felt like there was FINALLY some closure and I felt great.....but then he continued to keep texting the next days after. Then was getting ******* texts by my no responses. You can't please the person who did the heart-breaking. Just no contact always!

 

My ex contacted me all the time after our breakup. He would say he missed me and send me sentimental things. He actually sent me a card on what would have been our anniversary. How f*cked up is that. He had a birthday present delivered to my house with no note, nothing. I knew it was from him because it was something I had told him I wanted ages ago (a d*mn garden gnome of all things ). Anyway, I texted him thanks, and he replied "you're welcome." I never heard anything else from him. WTF?

[SammySammy]

I agree, don't do it.

 

People who feel that they can impose on your life whenever they want are bullies. They won't respect you until you set firm boundaries and stick to them.

[EuTuBrute]

I agree with you man, if an ex tries to contact you (which mine did and wanted to get coffee!) stay NC! I was so excited to meet up with my ex, and the night before the meet up she cancelled at 1 am saying she was upset with me for something i liked on Facebook and that i should have defended her (is this a joke?)

 

Really really lame. It set me back