Can No Contact undo damage done by contact we did have for two months after split?

[Panther]

First time here posting, but I have been readign a lot of the posts regardign no contact. My ex and I broke up at the beginning of June. There were signs that she was drifting, but I didn't want to see them I guess. I am 39, and she is 29, and she has a 5 year old child who I adore with all my heart. We have been dating for a year and a half, when she decided to end things a week after my birthday. I had started a new business a year ago, and have been working like crazy so I was unable to spend as much time with her as I could. When she would complaign about that, I would get defensive and angry. I was stupid in not realizing that she was tryign to fix things. It is durign this time that she "fell out of love" with me. The first week after the break up had very little contact until I got the drunk after bar call saying she was confused. A few days later I had to pick up some stuff from her house and we got into a nice conversation and hung out during the evening. I decided to give her space the next day and not call, and while I was at work that night, she called. I didn't notice till later. She texted me the next day to tell me she had tried to call. I called her back and we spoke and everything was friendly between us. The next day a mutual friend of our who lives out of town called and asked me why she couldn't get ahold of my ex. I told her I didn't know why, and that we had split up. Her friedn was shocked, as I had spoken to her amonth earlier on helping me find out the ring size as I was going to propose to her before all this blew up. Our conversation lasted 3 minutes at the most as I was on my way out the door. Our mutual friend emailed and offered her condolances to my ex and asked of there was anythign she needed. Well that pisse dmy ex off, cause she thought we were talking, and saying things behind her back. We were not, as I said our conversation lasted just a few minutes. The next night I started gettign nasty text messages saying that we had betrayed her, and she was mad. I tried to text back what happened, but by this time I was informed that she was drunk and mad.

 

 

A couple hours later she texts me and asks if I am up. (Drunk after bar call) and then shows up at my house drunk and angry. I get her calmed down, and rell her she needs to crash. She walks intio my room, and sees that I took our picture down. It was too painfull to look at, so I put it face down. On a side not, she had texted em earlier that night from a friends phone, and I responded with a "who's this?" and got a "What other girl is texting U, forget U?" text from her. then of course she shows up at house. She gets mad that picture is down, and starts getign angry and saying that I am allowed to keep picture down cause we are split, but is really angry. She crashes at house, then leaves in morning. She emails me that night saying that it willb e best of we have no contact. I get mad, and we get into an argument. A few days go by, and she calls and leaves a new message beratign me, and telling me "Hope you are happy with New Girlfriend". First of all, I haven't even looked at another woman since I met her, and am too in love with her to look at any now. She ahd heard through meddling friends that I was already dating. I was not. Less than a week later, I had a death in my family. I tried to text her, and call her, etc, to no avail. I never did tell her about the deathj in my family over the enmssages. I was trying to prove to her that I wasn't dating anybody. I went out of town, and came back, and while I was gone the meddling"friends" added to the drama to the point where she was tellign em she hated me. I called her up, left a long letter with roses, and apologised for all the drama, but I was out of town and had nothign to do with it, and she realised that th etwo people spreadign rumours like to have fun with toher peoples lives cause they have nothign better to do. We had seen these two individuals do this before, and always commented that we hope we don't get victimised byt hem. Well, with our emotions running high, we did.

 

She send me an email in response to my letter,a nd says she is confused, and hurt, and maybe would like to be friends someday, and maybe even "start over" but right now she needs to be alone. adn thank you for the letter. A few days later she invitres me over to rent a movie, and I do, and a few days after that she invites me to her daughters fiftyh birthday party. I go to both. Everythign is going fine. I am playing it cool, and being real nice to her, and the just friends thing for now is killing me. But I suck it up, cause I love her AND I love her little girl as if she was my own. But as you know... this is not good... cause sooner or later.. I screwed up and startign amping up the pressure. Helped her with rent, bought her a TV, baby sat her daughter, hung out with both of them, and pretty much became a "doormat". She said Jump and I said How High. We eneded up gettign into a huge argument two weeks ago, after a great few days together, and the next night, she told me she had falen out of love with me a while ago, adn tried to get it back and can't. She still loves me, but not the way I love her. We were talking marriage at one point, but she told me she never beleived I was serious. When I heard that, I tried to prove it to her, and I amped up the pressure.... flowers, letters, text messages, etc. all to no avail. She got mad, said I was pressuruing her and wrote me an email that said she WANTS us to be friends, and wants to hang out, but right now we cannot be friends. Says she still loves me, but lost the passion, and sis not even sure about anythign else in her life right now. I dropped off a dozen yellow roses on Sunday, and have ehard nothign from her. I understand No Contact rule now more than ever. All my friends tell me that she knows she ahs me under her thumb and wrapped around her finger,a nd that is why she can be so distant. the day after we agreed to have seperation, she called me and asked for help with her a daughter and stuff. and we hung out one more time. She says whebnever we hang out, it fels too much like we are back together,a nd she can't handle being friends with me. Teh next mornign she cut oof all contact with me saying we can't be friends, and doesn't know what the future holds for us, but rightniow.. it is over, and she sincerely hopes for friendship in the future, cause she can't imagine life without me. But right now, does not want me around. Yet she gets jealous for no reason. Confusing...

 

I have not contacted her for three days now. I have left her alone, and ran into some of her friends where I work, and acted cool and happy. I guess my question is this.. Can No Contact give you back your self respect after basically kissing butt and being there for her too much. Durign the relationship I wasn't there enough because iof work (my fault), and now I was tryign too hard. Can she regain those "in love" feeligns possibly if I totally do leave her alone? I realize that she really nevetr got any space or time from me, cause after th ebreak up, we were either fightign or hanging out as friends. I miss her and her daughter teribly, but I feel as if i blew it. Can No Contact undo damage done by the contact we did have for two months after the break up? Or shoudl I walk away and forget her? My friend seem to think she will call as soon as she realises I am not under her thumb anymore.... I dunno... any advice.

[LexiB]

From my experience, your friend seems to be right about No Contact--only if you are mostly after getting your "self-respect" back, though. If youre using it as an attempt to change her heart or even as a way to get back at your ex, youll prob. just end up making yourself more miserable than anything.

 

Excruciating as its gonna be at times (esp. since you also have deep feelings for the little girl ), this actually is the perfect opportunity to take control back of your own life.

 

The worst thing you could do is to spend all your time away from her thinking that shes suffering as a result of your absence or realizing what shes missing. I allowed myself to be entertained with thoughts like these and it just led to double misery 4 ME when I spoke to him again and he barely even seemed to notice that we had been apart...

 

Besides since youve kinda proven that its harder for you to stay away than it is for her, she probably wont feel any remorse the first week or so, anyway. As you said, she prob. thinks she can say "jump" whenever she has the urge for your presence and you'll come runnin, whereas you could leave a a dozen yellow roses at her door and...

 

The best thing you could do during this NC period is live your life the way you would have b4 you met your ex. Hang out w friends, stay involved with activities you love or find new ones...basically dont skimp out on your happiness.

 

And when she does contact you again, wait a respectable period b4 you call her back (maybe a day or two...?). Dont jump at the phone on the first ring, at least not for the initial contact. Again this isnt to be spiteful, just to demonstrate what you havent been showing her lately: that you are capeable of having a life that doesnt revolve around her.

 

Im still tryin to figure all this stuff out myself, so I hope this helped at least a little. Pray for strength and trust me youre not going through this alone!

 

Best Wishes!!!!

[robsvobs]

First of all, you must take one day at a time. Do not try to figure out the plan that is already been made for the future of you two.

 

It seems to me that is what you are doing. And you need to STOP!!. By reading this message, we know you suffer, hurt, and are still in love. And if we know this, guess what so does she.

 

And let me be the first to tell u. If the fire has been blown out of this candle, u can one, try to relight a burned out candle, or two get a knew one. But only u know what u really need to do, and what u really want to do.

 

But also u already know what is the correct choice. But if u choose to light something that has no flame in there. then U will continue to stay at the level u are, and be unhappy for a while.

 

For one thing i don't think u could even choose the correct answer at this time. So why are u trying to plan out the entire future or even attempt to fix things that u have not once stopped to look, find, and fix the problem.

 

And let me tell u, if u think your the problem, well obviously u have not taken these steps. And at this point u should not be asking for advise, because u are going to waste peoples time.

 

But i feel for u, and i will end it on this note. NO CONTACT for one whole month. Do WHATEVER it takes, to avoid contact.

 

first two weeks, u need to take time and study for your best interest is this the way u want this relationship for the entire longivity.

 

Number two, u may be in denial, but if u play with babies, u must her the crying. So wise up, there is a price of maturity when u deal with someone of an age difference.

 

number three, she is not a single mother because she was the perfect mother, wife, and or person.

 

She dosent care for something she already has. This is only human nature. if we have it, we want something better. and to her u may be fine, but u already meet her needs, and she may want something greater.

 

this of course cannot be u, but thats not to say latere she may relize that u were right for her. but even when she does come to this relization. I think if u have moved on in life, u will have won back what u wanted "self-respect".

[unclejo23]

Up to this point.... my No Contact with the ex was almost impossible... only because of financial ties that need to be separated, and personal property...

 

During the last month we spoke off and on quite frequently, and it seemed to be soooo much easier for her. After she comes and gets the rest of her stuff tonight... the NO CONTACT will be in full affect for me.

 

I can tell you this... by limiting my communication with the ex thus far, I have made things much better for myself. I also see that leaving our relationship is bothering her more as I start move forward with my life... Don't get me wrong! I'm not doing the NC thing to win her back... I'm simply respecting her space AND more importantly respecting myself by pulling it together and moving forward!

 

As far as the constant roses and letters.... I think that is making things harder on yourself... you obviously still love this woman(like i do my ex)... so try NC until you feel that YOU can hand a plutonic relationship with her... My ex wants to remain best friends, but thats impossible for me to handle, until my feelings for her change.

 

Good luck man... I do hope that she helps her child through this as well...

[Panther]

Thanks to all 3 of you. It is hard though. I miss her immensly, and think of her everythime I wake up. She is frist thought. I miss her daughter like crazy too. The last time I saw her daughter and her, the little girl chased out after me crying that I was leaving. She did not want me to go. I kneeled down to ay goodbye to her, and she put her little arms around me and begged me not to go. I had no idea that it was the last time I would see her. I promised I would be back the next day to read her a story and be there. Of course, that can never happen now, because My ex (he mom) told me that we can't be friends "right now". It breaks my heart to think that I will never see that child grow up. It hurts doubly bad, cause I feel like I am losing NOt just one special person (my ex), but her daughter as well.

 

They live within 3 minutes of my house, and one of the hardest parts is havign to drive by it everyday. The urge to call is so powerful, especially in morning. The urge to drop by is huge because they live so close to me. I have not contacted them in five days. I want to do the "drive by her apartment" thing, but I don't. I want to text her, but I don't. I want to call and leave a message, but I don't. I want to drop off flowers, but I don't. During out last conversation a week ago, she asked me if I could still be the emrgency number for her daughter at school, and I said "of course". She texted em in MOnday to let me know she ahd a check for soem money she owed me, and asked if I wanted to drop by to pick it up, or she could drop it off the next day. I was in a meeting when she texted me. Two hours laster, she sent same text with additional words, saying "if I don't hear from U, I will drop off under your matt by front door in morning". I didn't reply to either. I don't know why. I feel as if I blew my last chance to see her or her little girl. The next morning... I left my house and went to Gym earlier than usual so I wouldn't be tempted to open up door and chat with her. Whebn I got back, check was there. It has been five days since I left yellow roses. and four since her text messages. I don't know if I am doing the right thing. But yesterday i was fine, today my heart is aching again. Maybe it is because she goes out clubbing with the girls every other Friday night, and I am afraid she will meet someone better. I don't know why I should care. I will be at a club tonight as well hanging out with my friends as well, but I have no interest in datign or gettign involved with anyone else at this time.

 

I have to defend her on one point. She is a good mother, even though she is single. The child came out of a long term relationship that was abusive to her, and she had the guts to leave the relationaship for her and her daughters sake. The father pays no child support, and decides to see his little girl only once or twice a year. I don't understand how soemoen could not want to see there flesh and blood that little amounto ftime. I am not even her father (wanted to be her Step Dad), and she had stolen my heart. I know there was an age difference between the mother and me. I understand the maturity difference. Trust me in alot of cases, I thought she was more mature than I, cause my Job puts me in clubs 2 to 3 nights a week. She made me realise a lot of things I want in life. I guess I blew it. This no contact thing is so hard. She is so close.. yet so far away. This hurts. I have been through this pain before, and I know I will eventually get through it. But is there a chance that I will hear from again. I treated her better thananybody else ever has (according to her) and she is afraid she is making a mistake, and can't imagaine me not in her life or her daughters, but feels as if she depends on me to much. How can somene not want to talk to you or know how you are doing if they loved you? I think about her everyday, and I think that she doesn't even care that I exist anymore......

[unclejo23]

You definitely have alot going on man...

 

I can tell you what helped me with the waking up alone thing....

 

I changed things around in my bedroom... furniture, pictures, anything.... Just to make my attention notice THOSE changes and not the PERSON missing, in the same ole room...

 

just a thought... Good luck man... no question its a B*!@h of a road to travel!