Jump to content

"write a letter or not, pros and cons" Need Advice


Recommended Posts

Hey everybody out there, I got a question and just need some input. For those who dont know my situation you can read my post under Second Chances, "Ex called, need some advice". I would greatly appreciate if you get the chance to read it so you can better help me with the question im about to ask.

 

Anyways you see my ex broke up with me about two months ago. There has never been any NC for longer than two weeks. She is the one that calls. Anyways thats not the point however i failed because I would call her back. So I figured that if our second chance is out there for us and its meant to be it will happen, but not know or it probably would have already occured. You Know? The good part is that we left things on great terms and we still care for each other deeply. My question is this. Our relationship was a LDR so she broke up with me over the phone. When we talk I dont bring stuff up about us or what went. However there is so much that I want to tell her. I was thinking about writting a letter to her explaining all my thoughts about things. Is this a good idea or not? What are the pros and cons of writting a letter. Has anyone done that and if any, what kind of results did they get. I just have to get this stuff of my chest or i will have a tough time moving one. Please give me some advice. Thanks.......Kodiak

Link to post
Share on other sites

I, too, was cut loose from an LDR exactly 2 months ago, today, Kodiak. Which, I suppose, is the reason that I was given my walking papers so disrespectfully via phone. That's another issue, which happens to get me hot under the collar, but let's stick to whether you should write a letter.

 

I, too, have often felt that I have so much to tell him (and not necessarily just the bad stuff) that I need to do it to get it off my mind and be able to move on. Unlike you, however, we have had ZERO contact in those 2 months. After he hung up on me, we have not communicated in any way since.

 

I am trying to swallow all the things that would benefit me greatly to be able to say to him, but as he hasn't given me a chance by contacting me, I'll have to keep struggling with it because I refuse to play the whining, harping dumpee calling him up to get some "closure." But since she has been contacting you and worse, making you believe that there's a chance for reconciliation even while she's dating a dud, you are MORE than justified in making all your feelings known to her and getting them off your chest.

 

Just so long as you realize that it may not help to effect a reconciliation, but will free you of all this baggage so that you can live your life.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

hey everybody-

 

I wrote earlier about writting a letter to my ex just so that I can tell her all the stuff that I need to. There is so much that I need to tell her, that i never got that chance too. I feel that if i can tell her these things that I will be able to move on. The thing is that I dont want her to send me a letter back or reply to me. I know that it will be too hard to read something from her. I started writting her a letter the other night and I broke down and lost it. It wasnt that it was a sad, sappy letter but it was just so hard to write. I dont know? I mean should I write her this letter or not? I have no hopes that her reading my letter will make her come running back.

 

Also I have another question. My ex has called me the last three times since we broke up. Usually the calls come about every other week or so. Last time we talked for like a hour or so and it was aewsome. Most situations I read about on this site, it seems that the exes are not kind to the dumpees. My situation is totally different. We broke up under the best terms possible, unless my ex lied to me when she told me all the stuff she did.( Always possible). Anyways do you think that I should try giving her a call this time. Or since I think she knows that i still love her, just let her do the calling. I figure that if she wanst to call me, she will. What does everybody think?

 

I just hope that all this will be over soon. Its been two months and it stil hurts. Either i just want to forget about her and fall out of love with her or get my second chance. Need some advice, please!!!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hey Everybody-

 

 

So I have been debating writting a letter to tell my ex all the stuff that I wanted to tell her that i never could. By no means Im going to ask her for another chance or tell her that she made a mistake, nothing like that.

I know that i might never speak to her again or see her, but for some reason im afraid that im trowing away my pride if I send her some letter. I know that I need to tell her these things though. So my questiuon is this ladies... If you got a letter from a ex that you broke up would you take the time to read it. I dont want her to show all her friends and family and become the laughing stock of the day. I mean i really want to pour my heart out to her in this letter. They always talk about no-contact. If you received a letter from a ex would this just push you away farther from him and be more of a turn-off. I just really dont know what to do. Please help...Kodiak

Link to post
Share on other sites

If this is really what you want to do and you feel you need to do this then you should. Some people need closure in their lives and your writing a letter may give you that. Don't worry about opening your heart up and not receiving the type of response you hope for. Don't think about how it will make you look or what people will think of you for doing it.

 

If you're filled with an abundance of emotions and they're pure and honest then I see no reason not to put them on paper. Regardless of how she responds, if she responds at all, you will know that you told her exactly how you felt and that there can never be any question how much you cared for her.

 

Write it.

 

Anyone that laughs at you for loving is the fool, not you. Anyone that mocks you for sharing your emotions is the idiot, not you. Don't let cynicism and cruelty suffocate your good intentions. Write the letter and don't listen to all of the sad-lonely-people on here that have been burned by love and therefore would prefer to let their heart shrivel up and die before taking a chance again.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Pocky-

 

 

Thanks for the reply. I think im going to do it, I think im going to swallow my pride and just send her the letter. You are right, who the hell cares what people think of me or what they might say. She might laugh at me and show it to all her girlfriends. I dunno know? However atleast i will be able to get all this stuff of my chest. I need to do it. I dont know if it is for closure or just so I can tell her what she needs to know. Probably a little of both i guess. Its so hard for me to write this. I started the other night and I started to cry and the fact is that its wasnt that sad. I just started thinking about all the goodtimes. My relatiuonship was like all the others. Not more than a week before she was telling me how much she loved me and how happy she was with me being her boyfriend. Then "WHAM" out of the blue its over. I feel like I dont exist to her anymore. I think about her everyday still and its been two months. I lay in bed at night and wonder if she ever thinks of me anymore or if she has someone new and she doesnt care. It kills me inside. I hope that every once in awhile i come across her thoughts and maybe she smiles. Our relationship ended on good terms. There was no hatred or mean things said. No cheating (atleast as far as I know). Anyways thanks again for the advice. I can use all that i canm get.......Kodiak

Link to post
Share on other sites

Kodiak,

 

I agree with Pocky, write the letter, its comming from the heart...how gives a rats @ss what anyone thinks....if she cant see that you are pouring your heart to her and that should be a private thing between the two you regardless that you are not together....if she shows it to others then she did not care for you or value the relationship you guys had....good luck....

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

drjones-

 

 

Thanks for my reply my friend. You are absolutely right and I never thought of it that way. If she makes fun of it then she really did not care for me in the long run. Even if she does show it to her friends and they get a laugh out of it, atleast i knowo that I was sincere and told her what my heart had to say. I think that is important. Have you had any experience writting letters and if so what was the outcome. ( that question is open to anyone) Thanks again for the reply..........Kodiak

Link to post
Share on other sites

Kodiak,

 

I wrote a letter (e-mail about a month ago) to my ex telling how i felt about her and that I am trying to get my life in order career wise (we broke up due to distance and her time schedule and my uncertainty in where my career is going)...she also told me that during out break up time she was helping a old ex deal with his fathers passing away...she said she started to feel a "connection" with him and he convinced her to try "us" again and she said ok(think it was just pity..but i could not tell her that she its not my place to do so) and that she wanted to get back with him. So I guess we just broke up due to bad timeing or whatever...I know we could work things out if my life was inorder.....anyway I told her how i felt about her and that I am "chasing a rainbow now to get back my self that I had lost a longtime ago (self esteen, i am hard on mysefl, just angry of not getting where i want to be...this all well before I met her....I guess she got me when i reached rock bottom)....and that you would like the newme/Old me before i lost my confidence and that when i reach the end of the rainbow I want her to be there with me....I told her that I cant stop you from seeing that guy its your choice but i wish i could....I told her if she still has feelings for me let me know, not know I need to be alone for a while and told her after a certain day (I amstudinyg for an board exam and I did not wnat to know what ever way she decides unitll i am finsihed) and that was that...we has not conacted each other since so I dont know how she is doing or if she will tell me....i have a few more weeks unitll my test...so I dont know what will happen....I still miss her lots I am getting better with myself...I still dont know where my life is going but i have a direction...I just wish she would be with me....I know we are borken up so I dont think that will change then but I still keep a candle lit in my heart that she will...but if that does not happen I guess I will know for sure its over.....I hate feeling this way, this heartbreak has done a toll on me and I odnt know if she feels the same for me....sorry for being so long...today was one of my low days and i needed to vent....

Link to post
Share on other sites

Kodiak,

 

I would say go for it. I wrote a letter to my EX---I took my time with it and made sure I wasn't putting blame on her...or trying to make her feel guilty (she broke the relationship off). I basically told her what I was learning from this---or what the relationship/breakup has taught me. I think your letter will be quite different from mine, just use your words wisely.

 

I wish I could tell you that I got a response from it, but I didn't. The good thing is I told her how I felt when we brokeup--that I still loved her, would do whatever it takes...etc. Then I sent the letter about 2 weeks after with what I know I've learned and what I need to do for myself. Maybe I did the wrong thing, but at least I feel like everything I wanted to say is out there for her. Now I can do the NC thing a little easier---well I guess its never really easy! Anyway, I feel that I've done all I can do now, and that somewhat eases the pain.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

drjones-

 

Thanks again for your reply my brother. I was reading your post and it seems so similiar to ho my ex and I ended things. We too were doing the long distance thing and our lives got so confusing. You see I am 24 and already have my career till I retire. I am a fireman with a huge dept, make great money, buying a house soon, etc... She on the otherhand is still trying to fugure out what she wants to do and she knows that the only way our relationship could work is if she moved to be with me. That is a big step for a 23 year old to make. Would u agree? Anyways it just got too much for her so she broke up with me and broke my heart. She is an amazing girl and I never loved like this before. Do you think that when two people are in different levels in their lives in can make a relationship tough to work out? I mean most guys my age are in the same boat she is in, you know? It sucks either way. I to hold onto some hope but I know that right now it wont happen. I do beleive that if we are meant to be then it will happen in the end though. thanks for your reply.

 

echo19-

 

Thanks for your response my friend. I think im just going to do it, write this darn letter. Youu are right i need to take time to write it though. Being that I might never talk to her agin, I dont want her to interpret anything the wrong way. As far as a response goes, I really hope I dont get one, unless its a positive one ofcourse. I just feel that I am not able to deal with reading a letter from her, you know? She might call and say thank you, who knows? Either way I will be able to get things off my chest that I need to. Thats important!! If you dont mind me asking, why did you two break up? Do you guys talk anymore or no? Thanks again for the advice....kOdiak

Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by kodiak

drjones-

 

Do you think that when two people are in different levels in their lives in can make a relationship tough to work out? I mean most guys my age are in the same boat she is in, you know? It sucks either way. I to hold onto some hope but I know that right now it wont happen. I do beleive that if we are meant to be then it will happen in the end though. thanks for your reply.

 

Kodiak,

 

You ask me a question I have been trying to figure out my self...I dont know....we have very similar situations....my ex has her life in order she's 26 her life is stable whereas mine is not I am Doctor...still trying to pass may boards to get a residency (i am 30)....I dont know I hold on to hope just like you and people tell me the same thing "if it was meant to be then it will" I dont know what to believe anymore...I care for her very much...but are we "soul mates" I dont know....can you meet your soul mate and then she goes away and then you find her? Has this happen to anyone?

 

Kodiak I am lost just like you....I hate feeling like this I am angry with my self b/c I bleam myself to be in this positon, if my life was in order I would not be in this mess and be heartbroken over a woman I care for....if she is the one wouldnt she stick by me..or is that too much to ask, or did she do this to me so that I can get my life in order???? I dont now....I wish God would just send me a message

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

drjones-

 

Hey my brother I firmly beleive that you can meet your soulmate, she can leave, then you two can meet up again. It has happened to people I know. Under Secind Chances, there was a thread someone started called "second chances" (I think that was it). Anyways I wrote a reply there about a guy I work with, read it and still tell me if you feel the same. Let me know? Kodiak

Link to post
Share on other sites

Kodiak,

 

I found your post....Hhehe sounds like it should be a movie!! Timing is everything!! thanks I feel better now, if that happens to me and this girl that would be fantastic, I dont know if it will but, you make me feel a bit happer knowing that the saying "if it was meant to be it will be. or if she is the one she will come back" ...thanks I know I am going through the same heartbreak as you all on this forum, its nice to see that some second chances work....Take care....Hey Kodiak, what keeps you going? do you have the feeling that if it will happen it will happen?...but in the meantime how do you deal with the heartbreak or do you just keep busy...i know i have lots of things to keep me busy but I have been trying to get those in order with unsucess, that i thought a realtionship would be good for me, and this is what happened to me (got dumped) sorry if I am rambling I am tired right now...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

drjones-

 

Hey my brother I would lying if I told you that Im doing fine. The heartache is still sometimes unbearable and its been two and half months. I still wake up every morning and fall asleep everynight with her in my thoughts. I see happy couples,hear "our" songs, eat at a place we once ate at, etcc.. and i still get teary eyed. Its hard. However the pain isn't as bad as it was the first weeks, if you know what i mean. I have to run out right now but i will write alot more about this and try to help you..Hang in there....Kodiak

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

drjones-

 

 

hey brother I wanted to keep my word and write back to you. I just got back from a poker night with the boys and had a greatime. Its late and I sleep as hell so I hope this all makes sense. Anyways like I wrote earlier the pain is still there, bigtime. In fact just tonight I was driving home and our song came on. I wanted to change the station but instead I listened to the song and it hurt like hell. To answer some of your questions......................

 

Sure im trying my best to saty busy but it is hard. I find myself thinking of my ex when im trying to do the stuff I enjoyed before her, ie...surfing, riding my dirtbike. You see i screwed up bigtime in my relationship and with the way I handled stuff. Although my relationship was long distance, my ex totally consumed me. She was my everything and I based all my actions, thoughts, feelings on her. Big Mistake!!! I stopped doing the things i enjoyed. I used to surf every morning after work with my buddy. After a couple months of dating her i stopped. why? Because I didnt want to be gone when she called me. I know so dumb. This goes along with all the stuff i did. She consumed me and I became co-dependent, thats another story. Anyways this was a big reason for the break-up. I depended on her to make me happy and thats not right. In fact i dont blame her for ending things. Now here I am without her and I lost interest in all my hobbies. I feel so empty and lonely and bored and there is nobody to blame except for myself

 

I cry alot. Not as much anymore but at first I did. Sure im a guy but I still cry. It made me feel better. I wrote letters to her that I tore up when I was done, that helped to. One of the biggest things that has helped was talking to my friends and family. They have been so good to me and have listened nomatter what time it was or what they were doing. This helps alot, dont keep stuff bottled up inside. Talk about it!!!

I started to work alot and focused more on my job. You said that you were trying to finish the doctor stuff, thats great. Beleive down the road if you and yoru ex dont get back she will be banging her head against the wall, regretting what she did. Just try to stay busy, focus on work, cry when you need too, scream when you need too, and talk to your family and friends. We will get through this. Remember brother, things happen for a reason, they really do.

 

I wanna leave you with a quote that i once read. I cut it out and put it in my wallet. Whenever i get sad and depressed I try to pull it out and read it. "the sweetest revnge is bumbing into your ex and her looser ass boyfriend a year down the road, after you dropped twenty pounds, sporting a rock hard six pack, rolling in the dough, not to mention your model of a wife standing by yoru side" GET IT ON. Goood Luck buddy and hang in there........Kodiak

Link to post
Share on other sites

Kodiak,

 

Thanks for your replies It helps me, I to feel the same way you do about your ex, she still the first thought in my head in the morning and the last at night. I have been feeling better the hurt is not as much as it was in the begining...I do talk to my family and friends about the breakup and this forum has helped me a lot too. As for hobbies I dont have any to be honest most of my life was with med school and just trying to get in...so I did not pay too much to hobbies, I said to my self once I getin I would take up a hobbie and start going back to the Gym. Well I guess I should consider doing something like that to keep me busy. I will think about doing something after this exam i have in 10 days..after that I am going just going to take a huge break from all this and live life no matter what happens....I too still still miss my ex and like you said if it was meant to be it will be....take care and thanks....p/s did you send the letter yet?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Kodiak, well to answer your question my girl broke up with me because she didn't feel the same for me anymore. I guess she fell out of love with me. I think you can click the little icon next to my name and search/find my other posts....? Anyway, she had all these little reasons and I guess over time they added up. I realize my problems and the breakup made me want to work at and change those things for ME. So my letter was basically telling her that I know what I have to do for myself. I said that I didn't get a responce...well I sort of got one. I'm guessing it was about 4-5 days after she got the letter. I think I expected it to change her mind, and I was having a really bad day---so I called her....I told her I still cared about her and all that (this was probably like week 3 after the break). She came back with "You have to move on...life is too short." It hurt like hell and I almost started to loose it, then she followed it up with "remember your letter...." I don't really know what the hell that means, but she brought it up so I guess it meant something.

 

She actually came to my (was our) apt. last Sat. to pick up some of her things she still had there. I was nervous, but played it really cool when she was there. I didn't bring up anything about US, I made small talk, and helped her carry stuff to her car. At one point when we were talking I thought I could see saddness or pain in her eyes.........was weird.

 

OK, enough of my story LOL.

 

I will say I'm in the same boat as far as dealing with all of this. I try to stay busy, but its really almost a distraction. Sometimes you just got to sit down and let it go---cry as long as you want, cuse the hell outta them for doing this (hehe, feels kinda good sometimes!), and then try and forgive them---and forgive yourself if you think you made a mistake. I'm with you guys in that "if it was meant to be, it will be" I try and not worry so much as to what they are up to, who they are with---Its hard, but what good does that do? Guys we gotta learn from this, we have to grow and become better people. If we can do this, our next relationships will be all that much better/stronger. Maybe our EXs come back, maybe not.

 

sorry for the length, being off topic, rambling....lol

Link to post
Share on other sites

Kodiak - I am in the same situation as you - I want to write my ex gf a letter to let her know all my feelings, and then i can move on with my life. I know she will probably never get back with me because she is already with another man. So actually, what could it hurt?

 

i just want to send her a letter so I will not regret someday that I should of told her this, or that, etc. i'm not going to be mean in anyway. In fact, i will probably be TOO NICE in the letter, but that is better than being mean and cold (like she is to me).

 

I just hope she takes the time to read the letter. I would call her, but I know she would never let me say all I have to say, and I know she definitely will not see me in person. So again, I have nothing to lose by sending her a letter.

 

I'm prepared for the worst, but hope for the best.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hey everybody-

 

Thanks for replying. No i havnt sent the letter yet nor have i even wrote it . I can tell myself in my head what I want it to say but when it comes to putting it on paper i go blank. I start writting things that do not make much sense so I stop writting. I guess one of these days it will all be clear to me and i will be able to put it down on paper. Im in no rush right now to send it off but eventually I wanna get it done. I had a really sad night. Earlier today I sent my ex a text message just saying hello. Nothing else. I havnt sent her a text message since she called me a couple weeks ago. Well tonight she sent me a picture of her with her baby cousin and it broke my heart. I thought it was just a text reply and I didnt notice the picture icon with it on my phone. If i did i would have never opened it. God it hurt to see that. She is so beautifull. I got so sad and just began to cry in my car. I drove around for like an hour because I didnt want all my roomates to see my sad red eyes. Anyways talk about hurt all over again. That is worse than a phone call. Oh well i guess tonight will be another sad one......Hang in there everyone...Kodiak

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guys, I sometimes say this to myself---seems to help :)

 

 

"One day she will realize what she had, and come back for me. It will be her loss if I've moved on by then."

 

However you want to think of it, this just kinda helps me. Helps me to stay positive and get some confidence back.

 

 

Have a great weekend!

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...