My ongoing story

[goldfighter3]

Here's my story. I'll try and keep it short, but its been going on for a while and for some reason I really feel the need to share it. It all started in October last year...

 

October:

In October my then girlfriend of three years announced that she and her male acrobatics partner (she took up acrobatics a year ago, started working with only one partner 5 months before breakup) were going to audition for a touring circus. She couldn't tell me how long it would be for at that point, or where it would be going, but she insisted she 'didn't have to accept it' if she got in. I was a bit upset that I hadn't really been consulted and that she hadn't talked to me about it. I had felt like we were starting to drift apart the last few months, especially with her spending more and more time doing her acrobatics (I would estimate she and her partner were spending 10 - 20 hours a week training alone together). I felt like she was drawing away, like there was something wrong that she wasn't talking about. I had dismissed these feelings at the time because I was struggling with a boring job and flatmate issues. She was also flat out with final semester of uni and training for a show that had just been, but with summer coming up I knew we'd have holidays together and be able to reconnect. The circus idea upset me because it meant we wouldn't get that.

 

A week later she was telling me how joining the circus was her childhood dream, how if she got it she would probably have to go because she didn't want to upset her partner. Then they went away for the weekend for the audition, and came back to tell me it had gone well, but that the trip would be for 7+ months working six days a week, with only Mondays off. It was immediately obvious that this would make even long distance very difficult, and we talked about it a little, but I didn't feel like I could stand in the way of her because it was her 'childhood dream'. We didn't talk about it like we should have. I'll admit a large part of me was thinking it was just too much to trust her to go away with this guy. My trust was already wearing thin with all the time they were spending together, when she never seemed to be able to spend any time out with me (we lived together, so I still saw her a lot, but quality time had become watching tv in bed together).

 

By the time she got into the circus the tension between us had grown, and when she asked me how I felt I said I wasn't a big fan, and that I didn't see how I could fit into this new life she was planning. She came to bed very late (working on an assignment) and got up very early. I was upset the next morning after spending the night thinking about it, and asked her to decide by the time I got home from work what she was doing.

 

By the time I had finished work I had decided it was worth giving things a try, whether it meant I went with them or if we tried long distance. She at first said it just wouldn't work. I asked if there was more to it than just the circus, and after an hour of talking she admitted to a whole lot of problems she felt our relationship was suffering (weren't spending time out together, I don't get out and do things enough, I didn't know her new acro friends very well, we were growing apart, etc). The circus wasn't for two months, and I said I wanted to work on those things. After a lot of talking we finally decided to try and make it work, and try hard to work on our relationship. Or at least I decided to try hard on the relationship.

 

The next two weeks were a nightmare. She wouldn't reply to the odd text I sent her during the days. I started trying really hard to make sure I got out and do things - I started up touch rugby, made sure I went to my taekwondo, even came along to her acro class like she always wanted (i'd actually started doing this occasionally a few weeks earlier). I organised card games with friends and so on. But it didn't feel like she was trying. The entire time she felt really distant. She wouldn't sit with me on the couch, or cuddle in bed. (the only time she cuddled me was once in the middle of the night when the cat woke us up. when she came back she snuggled up to me). We were meant to be going away for a long weekend, and I started talking about what we could do that she would enjoy - bike riding etc - but she just wasn't interested.

Then the thurdsay before we were going away she told me she needed space to decide if we should stay together. Told me she was only staying for me and not for her. after a lot of talking I agreed that she should go home for the weekend instead of away with me. I was sad that we weren't going away, but wanted to give her space. Her mood changed completely and suddenly she was my Natalie again, happy and smiling and cuddling up with me. We watched tv, made out for half an hour like we used to when first dating, had sex, talked and then went to sleep. She told me she really did love me, and I could feel it was from the bottom of her heart. She said the same thing in the morning when I went to work.

 

I barely heard from her that weekend, and she came back a day later than me. When she came back she told me she didn't want to try anymore, and that was that. I begged and pleaded and tried to bargain with her, but it meant nothing. In the end I hugged her, told her I loved her, but hated her, and she left. Later on I texted her telling her I didn't hate her, and she said thank you.

That was October...

 

November coming up...

[goldfighter3]

November was a difficult month. I was devastated that I had lost the wonderful girl that had brought so much joy to my life for the last three years. I went to my nana's for the day after she broke up with me, and then came home and proceeded to get the most drunk I have ever been in my life with my flatmates. This was followed by the worst hangover of my life the following morning. I ended up taking two and a half days off work (I explained immediately to my boss what had happened, and he was very understanding, and remains an outstanding support for me).

 

Then I got off my ass and decided I would try and be the person she wanted me to be anyway. I started going rock climbing (something we used to do together occasionally, and which I enjoy), going to the beach, hanging out with friends, I took up ceroc dancing - basically I was spending most weeknights out of the house because I couldn't stand being alone. In the weekends I started going free diving for scallops with my cousin, and went on a few fishing trips with my flatmates. A friend of mine and I decided to enter the Amazing Race Australia, so we started working on a video for that. I signed up to be a volunteer at the Auckland Zoo, and got an interview not long after that. During this time my ex and I had limited contact, as she was still using the house to study occasionally during the day, and she needed to collect her things from the house etc.

 

The next time I saw her was two weeks after we had broken up when she came to collect some things. I asked her if she wanted to see me, she said I don't know, I did too, and we ended up seeing each other. We went for a walk around the block together. I told her I realised I hadn't been living my life, and that she had snapped me out of it, that I was going to live my life properly now. She was very supportive, I was a little emotional, but held it together well. She told me she and her acro partner were going to do a benefit show for a friend who had qualified for a world juggling contest (or something). It was hard but nice, and then of course the next week was excruciating because I had been reminded of everything I was now missing. We agreed to stay in touch and catch up again when she was in town.

 

We caught up over a coffee again two weeks later and talked for an hour about things. It was really nice, and it reminded me of how easy we've always been together, how we have always just been able to talk about anything comfortably for hours. I told her about my zoo volunteering interview coming up, and the strangest look came into her eyes. I still don't know what it was, a mix of happiness and something else? Anyway, she was doing her show that weekend so I wished her good luck.

 

After that meeting I started really researching how to 'get her back' for lack of a better word. Despite a mixture of advice from difference websites, I settled on trying to just be supportive where I hadn't been before, to work on communicating effectively without smothering or pressuring her, and so on. I also started seeing a councillor, and she suggested I write a letter about everything I regretted, and telling her what I would do differently. This was incredibly helpful for me, I suddenly felt all that weight lift off my shoulders. Only problem is, I don't think she's ever read it.

 

On the 28th November it would have been our anniversary. I thought I was ready for it, but it overwhelmed me anyway. I had the worst day at work, ended up going home at lunch because I just couldn't concentrate and almost broke down in front of the whole office. I went to my nana's again, and that night I rang Natalie and told her I needed some space (we were meant to be meeting again in a few days for coffee), and that I wouldn't be going to our mutual friends wedding in a weeks time. I told her that I would be going to the one following a week later, and that she shouldn't feel like she couldn't go because they were both our good friends.