Eddie007 Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) I'm almost at 5 months complete NC from my fiance who dumped me after 4 years. I went NC straight away and neither side has reached out. I guess I've never really given up hope of hearing from her. When the holidays came and went without any contact I felt a little depressed. I've also been dating but haven't yet managed to get past a first date and it kind of had me down. I've not had the urge to reach out as I've had it in my mind that if she wants to reconnect she will reach out and it is her responsibility to do so since she was the dumper. Well yesterday I almost undid all my hard work. I was really down and decided what have I got to lose? So I typed up the following email: "I've wanted to reach out to you for the longest time. We spent so much time together it has taken me a while to wrap my head around things. I still haven't completely done that. I regret the way we ended things. I had so much I wanted to talk to you about but I just never could reach out until now. It's hard to grasp that after all those good years we can just part and never speak or see each other again. I've been through this before (as I'm sure you have). Getting over you has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I wanted to call or text so many times but I knew it was the wrong thing to do for both of us. We both needed to move on and heal. I had sensed you were not happy for a while. I tried to convince myself we were ok and just ignored the red flags. There were times when I was not happy as well. I was just scared to be alone. I remember a conversation we had when I told you " ill never leave you and ill be with you as long as you'll have me" (imagine that me remembering a conversation from years ago). I've always tried to be a man of my word and I stuck to it as best I could. I'm not sure why or how we grew apart, or if I will ever know. I have nothing but good memories of our time together as a family. I don't know if our paths will cross again and I've come to terms with that. What I couldn't come to terms with is leaving it the way we did." I was so close to sending it. I even had her email adress typed in and my finger on the send button. I contemplated it for several minutes. I went back and forth, send, don't send. In the end I decided to not send it to her. Instead I sent it to myself. I felt much better after I made the correct although tough decision. Gotta keep moving forward. Edited January 9, 2014 by Eddie007 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 good for you to write this letter. keep adding to it as thoughts and cravings surface. share it here, share it with a close friend, bury it/burn it if need be. Link to post Share on other sites
mantlefan Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Stay strong, friend, you did the right thing. For 4 months, I confessed my love for my ex every two weeks through poems, chocolate, flowers, photo collage walks through good memories, letters, cd's with heartfelt songs, you name it. All I did was tarnish her view of me, tarnish my own self respect, waste hundreds of dollars, and delay my healing. Keep up that no contact. I am still in the prison of why. But I am praying a lot more than I ever did and trying to improve myself more than I ever have, and trusting that something more right is on the way. Whether doing it all for you, all for her, all for principles or duty or some mix of any or all of those, keep no contact. Your past relationship is now nothing but an opportunity for you to learn and grow. It hurts to realize that, because it seems to minimize what you had. But realize that it will make you even better for yourself and for the next person, and it's not minimal at all. Link to post Share on other sites
fixing Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Wow, well done for being so strong man! Keep posting here, but never undo all of that hard work. You know that if you messaged her that letter you would be destroyed right now and back to square one! Stay strong mate 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mantlefan Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 It's probably not good to obsess about it, but I almost look at NC the same as I would being an alcoholic who is counting the days since the last drink. I really think I was addicted to my ex. She was what I wanted out of life. Career, faith, family, my health, all were a distant second. At the same time, this made me so scared to lose her that I did things to avoid risking losing her, and to try to avoid getting to attached to her. It was messed up. I avoided being my best self for her and for me because I was afraid so much to lose her. But each day I go NC, I am breaking that addiction. I know in the back of my mind there will be days where I want her back more than ever. But each day is one day closer to being over her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 I am still in the prison of why. a friend of mine told me that "you do not get to know why". in otherwords what she would tell you, reasons for "why" would change from one moment to the next. she probably does not even know for sure. closure does not come from why. it comes from you, from with in. in the end, it does not matter why. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mantlefan Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 a friend of mine told me that "you do not get to know why". in otherwords what she would tell you, reasons for "why" would change from one moment to the next. she probably does not even know for sure. closure does not come from why. it comes from you, from with in. in the end, it does not matter why. I am starting to learn that. It's probably against forum rules to preach on here, but the book of Job from the Bible has really been helping me get perspective on the futility and further suffering that come from feeling entitled to an explanation. Link to post Share on other sites
John83 Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 You did the right thing mate. You have shown remarkable strength to make it 4 months with no contact, well done stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 I had a weak moment yesterday as well. I have not felt like that in such a long time. I was missing the memories and everything and anything reminded me of those moments. I kept reminded myself that it was just a bad moment and was ready to write off the entire day. All we can do is move forward with our lives. You've made a substantial amount of progress. Compare yourself where you were month one to where you stand today. You have come a long way friend, continue to power through these moments. Link to post Share on other sites
Fufu Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 You did a right thing to type out all your feelings.. It is a good way to relieving that tension. And you did the next right thing by not sending that e-mail to her. The process of healing is not an easy path. No worries, you are on the right track. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eddie007 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 Thanks for all the support. I know I did the right thing and am happy about that. The hardest part is how we left it. She said she wasn't happy and asked me to leave. We never talked about why or anything. I just packed my stuff and about 2 hours later we were gone from each others lives forever. Not another word from either side. It's a tough pill to swallow after 4 years of being right by each others side. Link to post Share on other sites
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