My ex just texted me and I am SO shaken up...

[LadyM]

My ex just texted me to tell me that a family friend of his who I had known has died. I told him how sorry I was and a few other caring words and he went on with some details, hopes that all is well with me and my family, thanked me for my warm words, and then I stopped responding to him. I cut off the conversation at that point.

 

I am SOOO sad now. My heart is racing. I could cry when I think of him now. I miss him so much and I hate so much that he is in love with another woman.

 

It is so painful when they reach out and it is NOT because they want you back.

 

Did I do okay?

 

When will this intensely bad feeling go away?

 

And of course, part of me thinks that he really didn't have to contact me to tell me this news. It is not like I will be going to the funeral. Was he just trying to initiate contact with me to get me to start talking with him again after numerous months of NC?

 

Any reassuring words would be so much appreciated...

[fixing]

Yes of course you did ok. I mean, when it comes to a death of someone you/he knows it would be a little cold hearted to completely ignore it!

 

No idea if he is trying to get you to talk to him again. I mean, he could be in shock and thats why he messaged you amongst many other people.

 

If he is with another woman, then the only thing you can do is continue with NC. It will get better, this is just a little setback, not your fault of course!

 

You did the right thing ending the conversation. I dont know anything about your backstory though to be able to offer anymore insight

[pickflicker]

Yes of course you did ok. I mean, when it comes to a death of someone you/he knows it would be a little cold hearted to completely ignore it!

 

No idea if he is trying to get you to talk to him again. I mean, he could be in shock and thats why he messaged you amongst many other people.

 

If he is with another woman, then the only thing you can do is continue with NC. It will get better, this is just a little setback, not your fault of course!

 

You did the right thing ending the conversation. I dont know anything about your backstory though to be able to offer anymore insight

 

Not if it will set you back and ruin your day. I'm sorry, but if responding to any text, no matter the content, make you feel like rubbish, then ignoring is always a good idea.

 

Sometimes, you need to be completely selfish.

 

LadyM, hope you feel better soon.

[LadyM]

Thanks, Fixing and pick....Whether I had responded or not, I would have felt the same reaction because of the fact that he text me at all. Just that he texted me about anything made my heart race, no matter what the subject.

 

Like you said, Fixing, I couldn't ignore the text as I had ignored some of his others because of the subject matter.

 

I hope you're right that this is just a little setback.

[fixing]

Thanks, Fixing and pick....Whether I had responded or not, I would have felt the same reaction because of the fact that he text me at all. Just that he texted me about anything made my heart race, no matter what the subject.

 

Like you said, Fixing, I couldn't ignore the text as I had ignored some of his others because of the subject matter.

 

I hope you're right that this is just a little setback.

 

Sometimes a little compassion goes along way. People dying close to you is like the biggest news one can tell. It just shows how good natured you are as a person.

Like, for example, i hate my ex gf because she humiliated me with her many affairs, i despise her. If she broke no contact to me and told me her mum died in a car crash, i would leave my anger at the door and tell her im very sorry for her loss. Then i would go back to no contact.

 

You have just had a major shock to the system, thats all, in a few days, you will be back to a better place. Dont worry. Your doing great.

[Kermit76]

Wow. If you read my thread ex texted me on my bd i kind of went thru the same thing. To be honest i am a little sad today. So a minor set back for me.

 

But to be honest when i got her e card and when we started texting i had no emotion. Definitely my heart wasn't racing. More of a wow u again. And on my bd kind of reaction.

 

I'm back to NC. Unfortunately she knows now I am willing to communicate.

[LadyM]

Sometimes a little compassion goes along way. People dying close to you is like the biggest news one can tell. It just shows how good natured you are as a person.

Like, for example, i hate my ex gf because she humiliated me with her many affairs, i despise her. If she broke no contact to me and told me her mum died in a car crash, i would leave my anger at the door and tell her im very sorry for her loss. Then i would go back to no contact.

 

You have just had a major shock to the system, thats all, in a few days, you will be back to a better place. Dont worry. Your doing great.

 

Right, I'll go back to NC now. But part of me is happy that I was able to show him that I am still, as you said, the good-natured person he remembered. Kind of like, even though you're with this new woman, here, take this and remember what a good woman you left behind.

 

Not that he cares at all.

 

Thank you for your kind words...it helps so much!!

[LadyM]

Wow. If you read my thread ex texted me on my bd i kind of went thru the same thing. To be honest i am a little sad today. So a minor set back for me.

 

But to be honest when i got her e card and when we started texting i had no emotion. Definitely my heart wasn't racing. More of a wow u again. And on my bd kind of reaction.

 

I'm back to NC. Unfortunately she knows now I am willing to communicate.

 

I read your thread, Kermit. It's ironic how we have similar stories with death being part of our contact with our exes.

 

Just because you had extended contact with her this one time does not mean you need to do it next time.

[headinthecloud]

LadyM, I'm sorry about the loss of his friend.

 

I think you were very gracious and acted with integrity. You should be proud of the way you handled it. My only advice is try to control the mind spin that is taking place. This is definitely a setback as it will rehash memories which may take up to a week to overcome. The emotions will subside in time, just stay NC whatever you do. He does not want you back, and you can't trust him even if he does because he's not honest with himself.

 

Always be true to who you are, just as long as you don't give others too much of yourself.

[Lizzay03]

I know how much it sucks when they come back for another reason other than not to get back with you

 

I honestly think you did good and give it time, I guarantee you you are going to move on. It might take months or maybe years because you know once you love someone the feeling never really goes away but you have to forget how things were and just focus on yourself.

[Kermit76]

Good advice for me too.

 

She doesn't want me back that's for sure.

 

Probably helped her to get rid of guilt or like others say validate she is still wanted.

 

She hit me on my most vulnerable day. My bd... But weather conditions kept everyone inside. And the passing of my friend. Most likely I was home and sad. She couldn't pick a better time.

[LadyM]

Thank you, headinthecloud....Yes, it does feel like this will be about a week setback. Of course, that little tiny part of my head wonders if he thinks about me and wishes he would want me back. But like you said, I must remind myself he does not want me back. He is with another woman now and he chose her over me.

[LadyM]

I know how much it sucks when they come back for another reason other than not to get back with you

 

I honestly think you did good and give it time, I guarantee you you are going to move on. It might take months or maybe years because you know once you love someone the feeling never really goes away but you have to forget how things were and just focus on yourself.

 

I know! That's why it's best to hear nothing from them at all. The minute we hear from them we are just reminded, once again, that they do NOT want to be with us!!

 

This particular love seems impossible to get over. So different from any other. It's been over a year since the BU and I'm doing a little better, but not great. I honestly don't think the strong feeling for him will ever go away. But I wish so much that it would.

[BN1990]

hope you are feeling a bit better LadyM,

I dont think it was nice to text like that, i dont know him but maybe if you found out about this family member he might think you would be annoyed... my ex is looking for a career and if she found one and didnt tell me i would be a bit pee'd off, but thats me, I'm not sure if that is a thing with you...

 

But i feel if he didnt show any positive signs when you text him its best to walk away with your pride and find someone who wants you as much as you want them

 

Just know that if you do feel down we are here

[LadyM]

hope you are feeling a bit better LadyM,

I dont think it was nice to text like that, i dont know him but maybe if you found out about this family member he might think you would be annoyed... my ex is looking for a career and if she found one and didnt tell me i would be a bit pee'd off, but thats me, I'm not sure if that is a thing with you...

 

But i feel if he didnt show any positive signs when you text him its best to walk away with your pride and find someone who wants you as much as you want them

 

Just know that if you do feel down we are here

 

Thanks, BN1990. That's an interesting perspective I had not thought of -- I surely would have found out about the death so maybe it was the right thing of him to do to contact me to tell me about it.

 

The funny thing is, if there was a death of any of my friends or family, I would not let him know because it is still too painful to have any contact with him and all he would do is say he's sorry about the loss, anyway.

 

I've been having terrible dreams of him nightly since his contact almost a week ago. Now I dread falling asleep each night. Like it's not enough to be thinking about him so much during the day -- he's got to invade my nights too.

 

I keep spinning on this hamster wheel and just wanna get off already.

[Trimmer]

Right, I'll go back to NC now. But part of me is happy that I was able to show him that I am still, as you said, the good-natured person he remembered. Kind of like, even though you're with this new woman, here, take this and remember what a good woman you left behind.

You know what I think is important for you to take away from this? Let's take him somewhat out of the equation, and say separate from that, it's important and affirming for you to know that you are a kind, good-natured person, even when it may be difficult or stressful to do so.

 

 

Separate him out of the situation, and see it as a positive that you responded to a difficult situation with grace (I assume! ) and kindness. Forget him, that says something about you, and I think that's a good thing to take away here. You were tested, and it was difficult, but you proved something. You don't necessarily want to poke that and do it again, but having been through it, you did well.

 

 

 

The other thing - it seems you are struggling a bit with "what does it mean that he contacted me...", and I think you probably realize - at least intellectually - that it's best if you can move on past that struggle. In which case, I think the most neutral inference you can draw is that he probably felt that contacting you about the family friend's death was an obligation - like BN1990 suggested - to let you know, and he did that simply, with a bit of social finesse but without any other agenda, and you responded in kind, and now you can both go back to what you were doing.

 

 

If you must consider it, just try to see it as a very normal and unspectacular thing - the meeting of a social obligation that he felt, like writing a thank you note; Seeing it that way may help you to normalize it, and take both the mystery and the significance out of it, to help you get back to your baseline, off the hamster wheel, and to start really moving forward again.

[LadyM]

My goodness, Trimmer, you are 100% right about everything. You are right that it was simply an obligation he felt to text me about the death. It was just that simple.

 

He was cordial, so was I and then it was done. He is not dwelling on me. To put it in the best possible light, I suppose I feel good that we left on pleasant enough terms so he knows he can contact me if something dire should take place. He probably has no idea how overwhelmingly painful this break-up was for me and how much I still think of him.

 

As far as being good-natured and kind, I am and will continue to be, but it does me no good. I must have heard from him at least 100 times that he never met anyone like me and he's met tens of thousands of people because of the type of work he does.

 

But he still didn't want me.

 

Thank you so much for responding with such insight and eloquence. I so much appreciate your uplifting words.

[BN1990]

Yeah well usually you dream about what you think about the most or have seen in the last few hours of the day, I'm not sure what to do with that one other than keep yourself occupied and put away pictures and avoid social media site or at least the parts of it that will show you what he is up too... Im terrible for Facebook and sometimes i wonder why i go on her page, but went off it for a few months and it was working, kind of... Im far from out of the woods and i hope everyday that she calls to give it another go but i cant wait while shes out there doing whatever, its tough but we got to keep moving on! It still confuses me that i could be with someone everyday and super close for 3 years and then bam, they dont care and walk away and not look back???

Just keep distracted.. Sometimes when you try to NOT think of someone they are always on your mind, so don't fight it and maybe it will fade away slowly:)

[Never Again]

I know! That's why it's best to hear nothing from them at all. The minute we hear from them we are just reminded, once again, that they do NOT want to be with us!!

 

This particular love seems impossible to get over. So different from any other. It's been over a year since the BU and I'm doing a little better, but not great. I honestly don't think the strong feeling for him will ever go away. But I wish so much that it would.

 

A dumper who remains silent or who respects the dumpee's silence, is truly ideal.

 

I can empathize with how you feel. I think we all have a person whom we'll love unconditionally. No matter how long they've been gone or what's happened, if they said "I love you", you'd want to say it back.

 

I've been trying to shake that for the last 7 months. I'm not pining by any means, and my ex is now a stranger to me in many regards, but my feelings for her haven't faded completely. The last thread is the most resilient.

[herself]

I think you did good and heres how to do better.

The hope is what hurts and helps really slow down healing cause your asking even if in the tiny back corner of your brain, will he text again, maybe he loves me if he wanted my comfort.

Heres how to stop with the hope....and its hard...

BLOCK his number or change yours.

It seems dramatic but you will stop looking at your phone and you wont even know if he wrote and left a bread crumb or not.

The only way to get your life back to ONLY you and true healing is to cut the path to incoming communication. It hurts when they write, hurts when they dont, so make it so its not an option.

You have the power there. You were polite and gracious so u know you left on a good note, now its time to buckle down and be in charge. NC means blocking, its magical when u stop checking texts and emails.

[Trimmer]

I think you did good and heres how to do better.

The hope is what hurts and helps really slow down healing cause your asking even if in the tiny back corner of your brain, will he text again, maybe he loves me if he wanted my comfort.

Heres how to stop with the hope....and its hard...

BLOCK his number or change yours.

It seems dramatic but you will stop looking at your phone and you wont even know if he wrote and left a bread crumb or not.

The only way to get your life back to ONLY you and true healing is to cut the path to incoming communication. It hurts when they write, hurts when they dont, so make it so its not an option.

You have the power there. You were polite and gracious so u know you left on a good note, now its time to buckle down and be in charge. NC means blocking, its magical when u stop checking texts and emails.

This is a fair point. It also represents you affirmatively taking control of the situation, instead of feeling like you have no option but to sit back and passively be affected by it. Big difference there.

[LadyM]

hope you are feeling a bit better LadyM,

I dont think it was nice to text like that, i dont know him but maybe if you found out about this family member he might think you would be annoyed... my ex is looking for a career and if she found one and didnt tell me i would be a bit pee'd off, but thats me, I'm not sure if that is a thing with you...

 

But i feel if he didnt show any positive signs when you text him its best to walk away with your pride and find someone who wants you as much as you want them

 

Just know that if you do feel down we are here

 

You're right, BN1990. My ex did do the right thing by letting me know about the family friend's death. I would have found out anyway so it was probably actually considerate of him to tell me before I found out in another way. Thanks...

[LadyM]

Yeah well usually you dream about what you think about the most or have seen in the last few hours of the day, I'm not sure what to do with that one other than keep yourself occupied and put away pictures and avoid social media site or at least the parts of it that will show you what he is up too... Im terrible for Facebook and sometimes i wonder why i go on her page, but went off it for a few months and it was working, kind of... Im far from out of the woods and i hope everyday that she calls to give it another go but i cant wait while shes out there doing whatever, its tough but we got to keep moving on! It still confuses me that i could be with someone everyday and super close for 3 years and then bam, they dont care and walk away and not look back???

Just keep distracted.. Sometimes when you try to NOT think of someone they are always on your mind, so don't fight it and maybe it will fade away slowly:)

 

I know what you mean -- it is inexplicable how someone can be your best friend, knowing everything going on in their life and they know about your life and suddenly, the rug is pulled right from under us. And like you said, never even look back. But maybe it isn't ever for us to completely understand, but to move forward anyway.

[LadyM]

A dumper who remains silent or who respects the dumpee's silence, is truly ideal.

 

I can empathize with how you feel. I think we all have a person whom we'll love unconditionally. No matter how long they've been gone or what's happened, if they said "I love you", you'd want to say it back.

 

I've been trying to shake that for the last 7 months. I'm not pining by any means, and my ex is now a stranger to me in many regards, but my feelings for her haven't faded completely. The last thread is the most resilient.

 

Actually, my dumper did not remain silent with me. Even after I told him I can't have contact with him because I need to try to move forward, he would still try to message me on FB every few weeks. I never responded to his messages and he finally unfriended me, which was shattering in itself.

 

I really get what you're saying about having a person we love unconditionally no matter what the history or how much time has gone by. I wish it weren't so. I am so tired, so worn down of thinking about him.

 

It's like a malignancy in my brain.

[LadyM]

I think you did good and heres how to do better.

The hope is what hurts and helps really slow down healing cause your asking even if in the tiny back corner of your brain, will he text again, maybe he loves me if he wanted my comfort.

Heres how to stop with the hope....and its hard...

BLOCK his number or change yours.

It seems dramatic but you will stop looking at your phone and you wont even know if he wrote and left a bread crumb or not.

The only way to get your life back to ONLY you and true healing is to cut the path to incoming communication. It hurts when they write, hurts when they dont, so make it so its not an option.

You have the power there. You were polite and gracious so u know you left on a good note, now its time to buckle down and be in charge. NC means blocking, its magical when u stop checking texts and emails.

 

That really is the smartest thing to do, herself. Wise words. It really would put me in control. How true that it hurts when they write and when they don't. We can't win! Except to block them from everything. I've really got to try to do that.