Won't commit and says six month of dating is too soon

[cworr]

I am 33 years old, and separated from my husband who I am getting divorced from. We have been separated for over a year and a half. It took me a while to file for divorce as I suffered a death in the family which also gave me the motivation to end a marriage that I know would never work out due to my husband being an alcoholic.

 

During the last six month I met a guy who is 35 and similar educated like me who seemed really into me, he would call me everyday after he left work and we would talk everynight and text me in the morning just to say good morning and we would spend weekends together and also one day during the week and buy me flowers go on dates to the movies and also clubbing as he likes dancing a lot. Our relationship got sexually after a month and he was aware of me being separated from my husband. He also told me that he was coming out of a nine year relationship where he made arrangements to move in with his ex-gf which didnt work out and resulted in him having to pay the lease for the apartment which ended three months before he met me.

 

After dating for three months I asked him what did he think of being exclusive to which he replied he can't discuss that with me as I am still married and I need to work on my divorce. I said ok and agreed with his points and left it at that and we still continued dating. Withing the next three months I filed for divorce and at the six month of our dating which fell around new years which we spent together. After sex, I told him I wanted to talk to which he replied no why do we have to talk how conversations should not be before or after sex, to which I said I wasn't aware there were rules, then he said ok what is it. I asked if his views had changed about being committed to which he replied that he had been through a really bad relationship and that he saw relationships between his friends and also his relationships that changed after you labeled a relationship with a title. He asked me wasn't I happy and what would change and why am I rushing things since I also just out of something and he still doesn't know me enough to be committed. He asked me what was my timeline for getting married and I said 3-5 years as I had already been married and didnt want to make the same mistake twice and rush into something to which he said he doesnt believe that and that once you commit to a woman he feels that they try to control him. I said I wanted a relationship where I could build with someone and celebrate anniversaries, introduce them to my mom and also build an emotional connection and know that that person had my back as to which he said don't we have that already and said he wasn't ready to commit and it seems like we both want different things, and we should move on. Then he said give him some time to think about it

 

The next day he completely did not text or call me until later in the day and neither did I text him. He sent me a text asking me how was my day to which I responded good and asked him the same to which he said ok. I responded thats good then that was it. An hour later I sent him a text saying we should move on cause I don't like forcing someone to do something they dont like and it seems we want different things, to which he replied ok I agreed. I sent him a text cause I felt like he was trying to fade out of my life by communicating less.

 

I felt pretty hurt and spend the next day in bed crying then I wondered if I had moved to rash by texting him that and not called him and try to discuss so I send him a text telling him that I really liked him and it hurt me that he was not interested in claiming me as his gf and what would change if he gave me that title, I also said how could he compare me to his past relationships without giving me a chance and seeing how things developed in the future and it hurt that he said that he didn't know me which meant that he had been basically having sex with someone he knew as a stranger. To which he replied he knew women and people change once they are tied down. I then asked if he was interested in seeing other people to which he replied that isn't the point and six months was too soon. I then texted if he was seeing me exclusively or if he saw me in his future to which he didn't respond and I then texted him I guess not. I have not heard from him since that or reached out to him. Its been a day.

 

I wonder if I made the right decision as he seemed into me and it did feel like he was exclusive with me as I talked to him everynight and spent the weekends with him. I really like this guy and we are also similar in many aspects which made it easy to get along with him. Its only been six months but I did feel a connection to him which has me torn up and I felt like he felt it too but yet it was so easy for him to walk away. Did I make the right decision, I have tried since my marriage to take time out for myself and not rush into anything. He is the first person I have dated. I also make it a point not to try to cause stressful situations or nitpick over things as I experienced this during my marriage. Things were going to well. I feel like I could compromise if he would confirm he was at least exclusive with me. I also want kids soon which I did not disclose to him. He does not have kids stating that he isn't financially ready for them but there were times his ex got pregnant and had miscarriages so I feel he may be open to this if it happens

[CarrieT]

You aren't going to like this, but I think in many ways he is right about you rushing into the idea of another marriage too soon.

 

Although you have been legally separated, you are still legally bound to someone and the mindset of being 100% completely single and alone for a while is important. You haven't been fully alone and single yet and it looks like your currently relationship is a rebound relationship.

 

You said you were sexual after one month so you bonded with him early and was still attached to your husband. I don't think this all bodes well with you and I can understand why he is pulling back. You are pushing hard for something that may not be the best thing for you.

[HokeyReligions]

I agree with CarrieT. You keep talking about taking your time and not rushing but that is exactly what you are doing. Rushing. You may have just rushed him right out of your life.

[MidwestUSA]

You did the right thing by breaking up with him. He was wise enough to know he isn't ready, you are not. First guy. Not yet divorced. Slept together early. having 'the talk', more than once.

 

You'll get there, in time.

 

(We have that rule in our house - no serious talk just before/during/after sex. It's called trying to manipulate someone during an emotional vulnerable moment)

[dreamingoftigers]

You did the right thing by breaking up with him. He was wise enough to know he isn't ready, you are not. First guy. Not yet divorced. Slept together early. having 'the talk', more than once.

 

You'll get there, in time.

 

(We have that rule in our house - no serious talk just before/during/after sex. It's called trying to manipulate someone during an emotional vulnerable moment)

 

One flag that raised for me was that he said "once he commits to women they try to control him."

Any time I hear a guy talk about how "women are controlling" it's usually followed by "that's part of the reason they can't maintain monogamy."

 

He's not giving you any sense of a timeframe of what would be reasonable innhis impression. He's just pushing it down the line further and further. It smells like commitment issues.

 

And really, being exclusive doesnt mean that you have to move in together and have a bunch of kids. By now he should be figuring out whether its a yes or no. Six months yeesh.

 

But it seems that you are pushing to be back into a committed relationship pretty quickly as well. Slow down. Or you'll end up with dudes like this who give you the runaround.

[rosedl]

As someone who hates not being in a relationship (which is really the best reason for me not to be in one until I can't work out what that is about and honestly feel comfortable without one), I feel for you.

 

The responses are right. It takes time to heal after a break up and it is very tempting to cover up all that pain and fear with just jumping right back in.

 

Six months actually is not unreasonable to start thinking about making the relationship exclusive and not dating other people. It is clear that this man is not interested in that, and it may be that the very fact of your still married status was a draw to you in the first place. Commitment phobic men tend to seek out not fully available women. My ex did it, he would specifically pick women who weren't suitable for a committed partnership (married) or easily put off (too young and stupid to know the game). With me, I was too available, it became about how I made it impossible to stay. Believe me, you don't want to go further and waste anymore energy with a man not open to a relationship. And, you want to be in a place when you do enter your next relationship, you will be truly healed and not dealing with all the unresolved stuff you never dealt with from the last time (and it WILL come up again).

 

I am sorry you are in this place. It is certainly not easy.

[cworr]

Thanks for the replies. Hmm the general thought is that I am rushing into something still getting over my husband, but we were separated for a year when I met the new guy and we were married for a short time around 3 years. He developed an alcoholic problem and the last year of our marriage while we were together I dealt with him being in and out of the hospital multiple times and a nasty attitude. By the time I asked him to leave I was fully over him. Then I stayed alone for a year over that. I didn't date anyone in between and focused on myself. Maybe I did rush an answer for him being that I am still married but what rosedl wrote also crossed my mind, that he was drawn to me cause I was married.

 

Honestly I do not care if I get married again, but do want to have kids and be in a stable relationship. I only gave him a time period cause he asked for one and the last thing I want to do is tell a guy I don't care if I get married again. This guy has a very similar background to me, we are both licensed professionals in the same field and can easily talk about work, we also have the same cultural background, being that he was the first guy I dated it wasn't seen as a rebound to me but something that could develop seeing we were very similar. I think that would have made it easier to have a lasting relationship. Also what dreamingoftigers said is my case, I wanted to know that he sees me as his gf and wasn't dating anyone else. I am not the kind of person that likes to casually date and now that I am older, I basically want someone loyal and committed to me as I will be to them.

 

I don't know maybe it is best to move on but would have hated for it to end if from his end his points are valid.

Edited January 4, 2014 by cworr

[Eggplant]

I recommend not having sex with anybody until you're a couple.

[cworr]

That's true, it would have avoided this situation

[eachcomingnight]

I agree with most of what others have said; I also had the thought that your status as "separated" may have made him more comfortable with you, as this would enable him to avoid thinking about a bigger commitment any time soon.

 

One suggestion that I do have is that whether or not you perceive someone as trying to "fade out," avoid making major declarations/decisions over text. It's much easier to make a big dramatic statement in writing than it is in an actual conversation. If someone's difficult to contact, you can put the ball in their court and say you'd like them to give you a call when they're ready to discuss.